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My whole thought process is caught up in risk analysis. If we never have another I have zero risk of
*more PPD
*another traumatic birth
*a mind numbing lack of sleep
*a colicky, screaming newborn
*figuring out our marriage with 2 kids

I am cautious to a fault, and I run risk type scenarios in my head constantly, obsessively.
I don't really have any concerns for NOT having another besides the fact that I'm 90% sure my husband will resent me. He has huge issues with being an only child (which are related to the type of parenting he had. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an only) so....yeah. This is hard.

@heartonastring: make sure to report back tomorrow!

@MsLipGloss: what's on your mind, friend?

@MsLipGloss: I think it's completely normal to second-guess/have doubts or to feel like you have to justify it no matter what your decision... If you decide you only want one child, you have to scream at everyone that your child will be well-adjusted and just fine, thank-you-very-much. If you decide you want more than one child, you have to think about what you are giving up to do that (in my case, money, the ability to travel, time and attention, the ability to stay in the city...). Every decision has pros and cons and *all* decisions are okay as long as you are doing what you know is right for your family.

@septca: it seems like all decisions come down to money and time, doesn't it?

@MsLipGloss:

I've been enjoying this thread so much. @looch I am In love with my mother in law, seriously, she is such a wonderful person and the 3 of us have so much fun together. It has not always been this good but I have always loved and respected her, we are very different, but in her I have found a friend. She is going through a divorce right now, and is going to be living with us after her house sells and while she is house hunting and I'm really looking forward to having more time with her.

Being here on HB has been a really good fit for me because I feel that people are so accepting of each other and their differences. I love that there are people who live in big cities, small towns (like me) and out of the country. Within reason anything goes and I'm thankful to have such a diverse and wonderful group to share my journey into parenthood with. That said, this post reminded me of a lot of my feeling when we were really trying to decide if we even wanted children. We would have been so happy the way we were going, choosing to start a family is the way I felt about the way many have expressed having seconds. I have had some guilt over that and been in a place where I have needed to defend why we had been married for 8 years without children. My point is there is no right way to be/have a family and this thread represents that so well. Thanks for sharing y'all.

For me I think it's self pressure to a large extent. A number of ladies that I was pregnant at the same time with are now pregnant again and for some reason this makes me feel like we 'should' be going for a second, even though I know its not the right decision for me, our family or anyone else at the moment or maybe ever. Yet, I too find myself reading about child spacing etc. It's crazy, I think I am too easily influcenced by others! Maybe I need to take an internets break!

As someone who is currently pregnant with #2 I just wanted to say that I have absolutely ZERO judgment or negative thoughts about those who are one and done. In some ways I am very jealous as we thought about being one and done before ultimately deciding on adding one more baby. I have several friends who are one and done - I feel like it's so much more common now. Our world is so much more connected now that the "worry" of having a spoiled and isolated only child is laughable now. And I've seen plenty of spoiled children with siblings so there's that.

I'm one of six and my husband is one of two. It was never a question whether we would have two or not (currently pregnant). Three is our questionable. I couldn't imagine not having my siblings and I seriously love it now that we're older. We have a bigger age spread and when we're all together at my parents' house there is something or someone for everyone and I love how busy it is.

Maybe give yourselves a time limit for it to happen with whatever help and interventions you need/want and if it doesn't during that time then just have your family as is.

@FliegepilzHut: we were on the fence with #2. We struggled to conceive DS, he had bad reflux issues and we didn't really know if we had the means to support a second. I am one of three and DH is one of 4 but grew up as an only child so he was more content then I was with the idea of only having one. We knew that we did not want a large age gap between kids if we did want a second, so it was something we had serious talks about. When it came down to it, when I thought about my life 20, 30+ years from now am I going to be happy with a choice of only having one. The answer was no. We made financial adjustments to accommodate a second and had an easier time conceiving (currently pregnant). DS brings so much joy to our family that we wanted another. No way in help am I having more than 2 though.

@Mrs. Goose: I think that sounds like a reasonable approach...only both my husband and I are not averse to possibly pursuing adoption to grow our family. The biggest question right now is whether we (jointly) want more than one...and whether we will go through the biological route again, pregnancy, tiny baby stage, etc.

@skipra: Thank you! It's fascinating to me that the same logic (or at least worry) still applies even with more than one kid...

@Eko: Those are my thoughts as well. I love thinking about our future (vacations in the short term, holidays in the long term) with more than one child. And our experience so far as parents has brought us both so much joy. What is really hard is trying to make an emotional appeal (usually I'm the "rational" one!) while my husband is thinking of the nuts and bolts, day-to-day experience of 2 kids under the age of 5....

@wrkbrk: Thanks for updating! Yes, the newborn stage (I loved it) is one of the points on which my husband and I most disagree.

@Mrs. Goose: We've actually talked about adopting an older child...but later, obviously, since DS is still little and we would want to respect birth order.

I did not want children at all until about a year after we got married(I was 28), we decided to try for one and just take it as it came. It was hard at first but by the time my first was a year old we were having so much fun with him we decided to have another! I will admit I think we may have been better off just sticking to one child. I go back and forth and at times I am so happy we had another and I love seeing there relationship as brothers grow but I have many days where I see how different things would be if we just had only my 5 year old son. My second child is also the more difficult child and has had some minor illnesses that made the first year of life really tough on us. That said we decided to have 2 mostly because we were enjoying our first so much and liked the idea of him having a sibling to play and forever have a special bond with. I think as we get out of the "terrible twos" I may feel that it was the right choice but right now there are days I still struggle with the decision(We love my second son dearly but these are my honest thoughts!).

@FliegepilzHut: I'm in a slightly different boat but I'll share anyway fwiw. I have one 26 mo and my husband is ready for the second to be born like yesterday (I am not pregnant). Actually he is already talking about adoption after we have our third. (!!) I feel a bit more ambivalent. I love my son deeply, but my husband is way better at the toddler stage than I am. He is also better at rolling with whatever comes than I am. I'm afraid of rolling the dice on another child's personality, being able to do things, being able to take care of more kids. But, like others have said- I always wanted more kids, I picture a larger family long term, and the spiritual part of me believes that whatever hard parts come (and I know there will be many) will help me become a better person. I also do want to give my son the gift of a sibling/siblings. So, we are trying, and I'm trying to focus on being open to whatever comes and let go of control. I will also add that my son was in a traumatic accident recently (he is miraculously fine thank goodness) and it has made me more afraid of having more kids because of fear of being less able to keep him/them safe. Thank goodness for therapy to help me work through that.

I am really struggling with this right now. We've been trying for #2 for around 10 months with three losses and now are dealing with unsuccessful fertility treatments.
I think after this month I will be at the point of being done. I fear having a second child who is really difficult (my daughter has been a dream) and regretting the decision to add to our family.
This thread has really helped a lot. @FliegepilzHut: Thank you for reviving it!

Hah, I wasn't even pregnant with my first when this thread started, and now I have two!

I was never not gonna have a 2nd if I have a 1st. We both have siblings so to me it was just never even a question. Timing was the only question but DD2 came early as a surprise!

@JENNZMT: Wow, thanks for being honest. I feel like you almost never hear anyone express any doubts about having had a kid or more kids, although statistically, some people have to feel this way. Refreshing.

@FliegepilzHut: Sounds like we have similar situations My daughter has half-siblings who are older and live out of state. I will say that considering the distance they are pretty close with her (we FaceTime with them every day and they visit us/she visits them on a regular basis).

We will not be having anymore children (and have taken permanent measures). My DH got a vasectomy right before my LO turned 3 (she'll be 4 in a couple of months). It's such a personal choice and obviously depends very much on your family. For us we just felt complete after LO was born and realized shortly after her birth that we were on the same page. It helped that she was a horrid sleeper for the first year of her life and I have no desire to repeat that.

Being able to focus my energy and attention on just one LO has been great for me and I think fits my personality best. I don't have to worry about juggling sick days for two kids (DH and I both work full-time and can take turns taking days off for this stuff). I don't have to worry about trying to fit activities in for multiple kids (I've found this challenging enough with just one!). Travel is a huge priority for us and now that she's older it has become so enjoyable for us to travel as a family....and it's dare I say...easy (especially when her older siblings are there to help out!). There are obviously pros to having more than one, but seeing some of the challenges my friends with multiple children face makes me thankful for some of these pros of only having one

I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make!