Hellobee Boards

So I definitely have this issue at times with DD but I have found a few things that help.

First, I found I was asking her to do things that weren't optional. SO I would say "DD would you please go get your shoes on" and she would say no or ignore. I found if I say "DD it's time to put your shoes on" it seems to work better. (At least for now )

Second, I make sure she has eye contact with me (whenever possible), because I know that she is focused on what I am saying.

Third, I will only say things three times at most. The first time is nice, the second is nice but firm, the third comes with a consequence (or item taken away) if she does not listen. The consequence is generally based on what I am asking her - will have a book taken away at bedtime if she doesn't clean up before bed when asked, will not go somewhere if she isn't listening about getting ready, will go home if she isn't listening while out, etc.

Third, and definitely the hardest, is to always follow through. So if I give her a warning that has a consequence we always follow through. So if I say "you need to get your shoes on now, if you don't we aren't going to the playground" and she doesn't put her shoes on, we don't go. I make sure to only say a consequence I CAN follow through on and then I always do if that's what is needed. So I would never say we can't go to a birthday party or something like that. Or if we are grocery shopping and can't leave, I won't use that. It always has to be something I will do if necessary. Sometimes it sucks for me too, but it's made a big difference.

And if she still hasn't done what I have asked, I walk to her and help her do whatever the task is hand over hand, even if it pisses her off.

Also, anything safety related is only said once, no repeats. Early last month we got to the park to meet a group of her friends. I let her out of the car and she took off running through the parking lot to a friend. While she was running I yelled "DD stop and move to the sidewalk," she didn't. SO I loaded her up in the car (kicking and screaming) and we went home. We have gone every week since and she has waited at the car and held my hand through the parking lot every time.

I do a lot of what @catgirl says. I start with their name.

“Jane.”
Wait for her to look up at me. If she doesn’t, I say, “I need eyes.”
If she still doesn’t look at me, I go over and lean down and repeat that I need her to look at me when I call her name (usually don’t have to do this anymore but it’s part of the process).
Then, calmly and in a low voice (this is important—my voice drops when I give an instruction, in part so that they associate it with that and in part to keep me from subconsciously raising my voice), I say, “Go put your plate in the sink.”
If she doesn’t, I physically lead her over there, explaining that since she is acting like a baby who doesn’t glisten, I’ll have to treat her as one and be by her side every second.
If I’m still getting a defiant attitude or a tantrum, there are consequences, both natural like @catgitl said, and in general (time out, etc.). .

I try not to ask, but tell. I know asking seems nicer, but it sends a mixed message, and carries less weight than telling.

I would start but choosing the one thing that frustrates you most and work your way up from there. So if getting out the door in the morning is a yelling fest, choose to practice thrat on a weekend. I choose a short song associated with leaving and tell my kids that when they hear that song, they should know that it’s time to get ready to go. So the song plays over the Bluetooth speakers, I calmly remind them what it means, and remind them that if they’re not ready by the time the song ends, we aren’t going. No nagging, no repeating, just get ready yourself and wait by the door. When the song ends, inform them that because they didn’t do as they were instructed, the trip to the park is cancelled. We can try again tomorrow.

Or if your kid won’t stay by your side in stores, choose a weekend where you tell them you have several errands to run at Target, the grocery store, hardware store, etc. Have three or four lined up where you don’t actually need anything and can leave on a whim. Explain that they must stay by your side close enough to reach out and touch you at all times, and if they don’t obey, you will leave the store. Immediately leave Target when they wander away. Explain why. Say you hope they’ll do better at the grocery store. Do the same thing. Repeat as many times as necessary, giving praise for how proud you are of them if they manage to stay by your side the whole time.

Just make a long list of problem areas and go through them one by one when you have time to totally focus on habit training instead of trying to train their behaviors while getting stuff done. You and your kids have fallen into a deeply grooved habit, and it takes time to establish new habits so that their default isn’t to push and push until you’re about to lose your shit.

I mean, not that this works 100% of the time. Kids are like velociraptors from Jurassic Park, always testing the fences for weaknesses. But it does seem to work well enough that I’m not going insane having to repeat myself all the time.

EDIT: I would also try to focus on one kid at a time, ideally alone. If your husband or wife can take the other kid, that would be best. I would start with the six year old, because he’ll ick up on it faster and will influence the younger one. You CAN train both at the same time, just be prepared for it to go a little slower because they might feed into each other.