Ok, so I'm 4 weeks PP and my mother in law is in town just for the weekend (she lives across the country from us). She got in last night, fairly late, so we didn't do too much talking last night about M or her routines or anything. M is a very loud sleeper (grunts, cries, etc), she sounds like she's fussing but she's really sleeping. So this morning, she was noisy around 7 and I knew she wasn't up yet bc she had been up at 6 as usual and then she usually sleeps until 9ish. So I checked the monitor, saw that she was asleep and went back to sleep. So when I woke up again a little while later (about 7:30) bc M was crying, MIL had picked her up and was shushing her and now she was awake and wanted to eat... Would it bug you? I'm trying to separate my feelings about 1) waking up and my baby not being in her crib/someone else taking my baby out of her crib; 2) losing 2ish hours of sleep bc MIL woke up M; and 3) my general not great relationship with my MIL. Not sure if I should make an issue of it or discuss it with DH (who slept through the whole thing).
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I would have been annoyed. But I probably wouldn't say anything if her visit was short. It wouldn't be worth the additional stress.
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Yes this would bother me. Giving her the benefit of doubt, she probably thought she was helping by picking up the baby before she woke you up, only obviously it backfires. But really yeah, I'd be pissed.
I would just say only you or dh will pick up the baby because a lot of the time it sounds like she is awake when she's just being loud in her sleep. Then if she is awake and fed and you want more rest, maybe you can hand her to mil at that point and go lay back down?
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Yes, I would be upset. Heck, my mom changed LO's diaper while I took a nap and thought to myself, why didn't you wake me?
Your MIL probably thought she was being helpful. She doesn't know your routine and doesn't know your baby girl. Just talk to her as calmly as you can at this point about why her actions were unnecessary and that you and DH will handle all night time slumber stirring/ wake ups.
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My dad used to do this and it would drive me crazy, and I have a great relationship with him! So commiseration. I'd try to calmly talk to her about boundaries, that you are sure she was trying to be helpful but to please let you handle wake ups
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I would be upset, something similar happened when lo1 was a newborn and my in laws came to visit except it was my father in law. He knew I wasn't happy without me explicitly saying so.
If I were you, I'd casually mention how she is a noisy sleeper and that you have learned to tune it out in lieu of real cries. Addressing it directly with her might create more drama than a weekend visit is worth....
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To be honest, I think it's probably fair for her to assume that 7:30 is an appropriate waking time. I don't know anyone whose baby sleeps until 9, so you are crazy lucky. I would imagine your MIL just expected her to be an earlier waker like most.
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At 4 weeks pp, yes, it would bother me. Right now? I would probably just be annoyed, but it wouldn't bother me. Can you just casually explain how she's a noisy sleeper? I don't think it's worth making a big deal over it. It's hard having someone stay with you this early. Deep breathes and it's remember that it's only temporary!
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She was probably just trying to be helpful and let you sleep more so I wouldn't say anything.
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It sounds like she was probably just trying to help by picking the baby up so you can sleep. I would just tell her "I really appreciate you trying to help, but we've learned she often makes a lot of noise in her sleep so even though it sounds like she's waking up, she isn't."
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It would bother me BUT if she's just here for the weekend just let it go and let her love on your baby. You can mention that she eats and sleeps on a 3 hour cycle and that she usually fusses but wakes for the day at 9am just so she will know but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
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It wouldn't bother me, it sounds like she was getting the baby so you could sleep longer. I wouldn't say anything for such a short visit
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Yes it would bother me, but I would also assume she did it to give you a break and be helpful so I would try to let it go and I wouldn't say anything.
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It would definitely bother me. Unless you think she'll be visiting often, Id just casually mention at some point "she's such a noisy sleeper! Sometimes I think she's up but then I wait and realize she's asleep just making noise". Or maybe mention that she's up for the day at 9am, mention you love schedules and want to keep her on one, etc. Like literally as a part of conversation, not in a confrontational way.
If you think she'll be coming often (ex: once a month) then I might be more direct. Not confronting about what she did, but more like "hey since you'll be visiting a lot and helping out, each visit Id like to sit for a minute and go over the schedule/routine we're in at that moment and what our guidelines are". And that's when you can say things about wake up, when to pick up and when to leave her, feeding, etc. Then it's more of a "we're on the same team so here is our strategy" thing.
I'm super guilty of letting something bother me but being afraid to say anything so when it happens again and again I harbor major resentment and frustration with them and with myself. That's why I would find some way to say something so that if it happens again you can point to a previous conversation.
My sons sleep is the ONE thing I was never afraid to take a stand on and put my foot down on. I'm really glad for that. -
I would be bummed about less sleep but it sounds like she was just trying to help, and maybe trying to allow you more sleep, not knowing her schedule.
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No, she's only in town for a short while and probably was just trying to help and spend time with her grandchild. If you didn't communicate your plans to her, I don't think it's fair to be upset with her.
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I'd be mad because I take my sleep very seriously! But it really does sound like she was just trying to be helpful. I would just mention that LO is a really noisy sleeper and it's hard to tell if she is awake or sleeping. Then just say that you will get her in the morning when she's up.
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Annoyed for sure but I wouldn't say anything probably. I went through this with my MIL a lot.
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I'd be really irritated but would assume she was trying to help (although, at 4 weeks PP, maybe I actually would have assumed that she was downright evil).
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No it wouldn't bother me. It sounds like she was trying to help you out and she didn't know any better. If she was going to be staying for an extended period, I might mention it to her but a weekend? Nope wouldn't say a word.
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I'm the minority here. I think she was just trying to help and let you sleep. I wouldn't say anything, especially since you didn't have a chance to communicate letter her "fuss" in her sleep.
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I'd be what I call 'irrationally annoyed' - annoyed because I lost precious sleep time, but also aware that I am being irrational for being annoyed because she was most likely just trying to help, and how was she to know otherwise? I'd also chalk it up to PP hormones contributing to the irrationality.... I'd let it go and wouldn't even mention it.
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Considering you hadn't told your MIL differently I am surprised at all these responses. It seems like a good intentioned mistake by someone who didn't know better.
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Yes, it would/did bother me but I tried my best to be patient. Both my mom and MIL did this to me with LO1 for a year. She would cry in the very early morning (2:30AM) for about 10 minutes. I would tell them explicitly the night before that they were not to get her or else she wouldn't go back to sleep. Neither one could resist every time they visited. Both of them thought they'd be able to get her back down. Nope. So we would always end up waking for the day at 2:30. Yes, I was annoyed but they really just couldn't seem to help themselves. They want to help and use their mommy skills. I'm sure I'll be the same as a grandma.
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Thanks for all the advice!!! I definitely agree with everyone that she had the best of intentions and was trying to let us sleep longer. I think my hormones were contributing a lot too, I still get a little antsy when extended family holds her for "too long". Based on all the responses, I definitely think I was being mostly irrational about it, especially for such a short visit... I didn't say anything to her, I did mention it to DH and he managed the wake ups this morning and didn't think it was worth getting into it with her. We did come to the agreement that it's too stressful for all of us to have people stay with us, so we had a great conversation about that. Thanks again everyone!
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