For those of you that have sons.....when reading threads about in-laws and how(generally) unwelcome the guy's parents are anytime at/right after the birth, do you think you'll remember that when you're the grandparent?
Or do you think you'll assume you're exempt from this phenomenon?
coconut / 8305 posts
Well, I know my own qualms with my MIL coming over comes directly from the issues we had early on in our relationship.... she didn't really accept DH dating much less getting married. lol On the flip side DH loves my mom & hasn't had any issues with her.
I hope that by me being more like my mom when it comes to DS's future SO that I'll be exempt! lol
bananas / 9118 posts
I think about it a lot- my dad's mom was really mean to all of her DIL's. The end result was that she was estranged from much of our family. It's hard to be nice to someone who makes your mom cry.
Marrying someone with a family I got along with was a very big deal to me. I am so blessed to have gained an additional family that I love. I hope to remember how it felt marrying into a new family when our kid(s) marry one day!
pomelo / 5321 posts
I hope I'll be a better MIL than what I ended up with. Also, I'd like to be friends with my future DIL. Either way, I completely understand not wanting people around right after the baby comes. I hope I'll remember that too!
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
I will give a lot of space, but if it gets pushed to even more then I think it will probably harm my relationship with Charlie and his partner. I don like feeling unwelcome, and would just emotionally detach.
eggplant / 11716 posts
I ask because my in-laws have been really sweet. They told my husband to ask when I would want them to come (instead of assuming), and since my DH is SUPER close to his parents, I'm guessing he said something alone the lines of they are welcome anytime--and his mom told him to check with me first because I might prefer just my mom.
I have great in-laws. I *am* having my mom come first, but she has to go back to work and lives in another state, so she won't be able to stay long. Then we're asking the in-laws to come for a short visit (just to meet the baby)--maybe a week long.
Then, 3 months later when I go back to work, they are coming for 2 months, just because they'll be retired and we want to try to make it to 6 months before our LO has to go to daycare (less exposure to germs) if possible.
In DH's culture, 1-2 month visits are super common, but in American culture it seems to be really uncommon and unwanted.
coconut / 8305 posts
@Anagram: I can say the #1 reason I didn't want my MIL to come AT ALL (sad I know) is b/c if my mom or even grandma came I didn't have to worry about what the house looked like & my mom would even help me fold laundry or other things that would give me time to just nurse and care for DD. My MIL on the other hand would wake DD when she was sleeping, hold her while she fussed despite me saying she was hungry, and I really felt like I needed to be a good "host" rather than a mom of a new baby. Had she been helpful and not made me feel bad for having a messy house I'd be more apt to her coming over.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@runsyellowlites: I get that. I'm still not *so* comfortable with my in-laws that I wouldn't worry about a messy house or the other issues people talk about like feeling isolated while figuring out breastfeeding.
But I'm just going to try it this way and see what happens, because my husband is SO close to his parents, and they sacrificed so much for him and his sister (long story, but the short version is they lived in a civil-war torn country, and had to leave all their possessions behind, not once but twice, to find a safer place to live for their kids.)
So I feel like I need to suck it up and deal with that if it makes them and DH happy, you know? But, as I said before, they make it easy for me to feel that way by being really nice people. I'm sure I would feel differently if they were difficult, and I know lots of people have difficult in-laws.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@mrbee: that breaks my heart! After all the time and effort to raise him well.
Seriously, I guess I already have a fear that one day, I'll have a son with a wife that pulls him away from us. Ridiculous fear at this point, as we don't even know the gender of our LO. I think I'm just hormonal?
coconut / 8305 posts
@Anagram: I'm sure by the way they sound they'll be helpful and considering how your MIL wanted to be sure you were okay with it that she'll probably respect your boundaries. =)
I hadn't really thought about it was much but I definitely hope DD's SO likes me as well.... I know the norm is that the DH doesn't get along with the MIL as well but seeing how my mom loves DH I hope I'll get to have the same with all our kids SOs.
pineapple / 12234 posts
I think I would want to help but I'll also know my boundaries. Like I'll stay in a hotel, I'll be there if they need me, I'll make meals and call before bringing them over type of thing.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
This is why I work so hard to make Mr Jacks' family feel very welcome. They are wonderful people and I want them to have a great relationship with their son and grand kids. We even moved to a house where they would feel comfortable and we could have longer stays without feeling like it was too close of quarters. I will never be the MIL (unless one of my daughters is in a same sex relationship), but it's just the right thing for the family.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
Id def keep my boundaries. Im SUPER close w ILs but still need my mom thru preg/motherhood. Id respect that of future dil as we'll. Id def let her draw her boundaries and comfort levels. Woildnt be my place to intrude on such things as pregnancy etc.
cherry / 178 posts
I do think about this a lot... MIL is not very family oriented. She's basically alienated her entire family (very nearly alienated SO) and had a reason why every single one of them is no longer in her life (and let's just say that in her point of view she was never part of the problem in any of the cases). I am very family oriented - family is super important to me and I realize that if I expect my son to grow up family oriented like me, SO's parents will have to be a real part of our lives whether I like it or not (plus, they only live 5 minutes away whereas my family lives 2500 miles away). It will certainly be a challenge because MIL is not the easiest of people to get along with. I don't really believe in karma but I do hope my efforts and acts of kindness towards her will get me some good karma once I become a MIL myself.
nectarine / 2085 posts
I think the feeling that some MILs are unwelcome has less to do with the fact that they're a MIL, and more to do with how they've behaved before the birth. I will be very cognizant of how I talk to/treat any future DIL.
@Anagram: It sounds like you've got a great set-up! Your in-laws sound exemplary. In most cases like this I would expect that past performance is an indication of future results.
coconut / 8279 posts
I would hope to be warm, loving, respectful, helpful to a future DIL. All the things my MIL is not. Even to her son (DH).
honeydew / 7687 posts
@Anagram: why only sons?? At any rate I get along with our Inlaws well and hope our son will stay close with us while respecting the wishes of his future wife or husband. My Inlaws set a good example of being present balanced with giving us space.
watermelon / 14206 posts
I'd like to think that I'll be a great in-law. My dad's family hasn't been great to my mother, even though they've almost been married 40 years. My ex-MIL was evil, so she shows me exactly what not to do. However, my current MIL is wonderful, and even though I sometimes have a few issues with her, it's easy to tell her and she fixes herself, lol.
My dad had a wonderful mother in law...my mom's mom had 4 sons, and all of her daughters in law and sons in law have nothing but sweet things to say about her. I wanna be like her.
My mom tries really hard with my SIL. A little too hard, though, which is lucky for them they live an 8 hour drive away, lol. She just wants to be way nicer to my brother's wife than my gramma was to her...and she tries really hard with my dh, and he kinda gets a little repelled by it, lol. She's nice, but she's...needy I guess is the best word.
grapefruit / 4817 posts
I started dating my husband in high school which I think lead to a very close relationship with my MIL because we were so young. I'm just another daughter to her and she was (almost) as welcome as my own mother to the birth and afterwards. The reason I say "almost", is that I felt like there was something so special about sharing the really intimate parts of that time with my own mother. It's not something that could be replicated with anyone else.
If I hadn't had to have a c section, I could have only had two people present in the delivery room, and it would have been my mom and husband. I would have had my mom switch out with my MIL and sister during labor, but for the actual birth, I would have wanted my mommy. Sometimes you just need your own mom. It's nothing against my MIL at all. I would hope to understand that if/when my own son has a child.
coconut / 8861 posts
@honeybear: I agree with this so much. My MIL has behaved badly throughout the course of mine and DH's relationship. Her visit during my maternity leave sealed it and made things worse. I also felt like a hostess not a new mom as well.
After everything I've been through I'm determined not to be like her to my son's partner. It's tough enough that my MIL has continued the same MIL experience that my mom had with my grandma. I grew up knowing how she treated my mom. I won't do that to my son and future sibling.
hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts
I welcomed MIL as soon after the birth as she wanted to be there and I hope if my son ever has a baby his significant other would do the same.
pomelo / 5789 posts
Wow. This thread just made me realize I will be a mother in law aome day and I'm crying.
persimmon / 1436 posts
I am incredibly lucky to have married a man whose parents I absolutely adore! I have an extremely difficult relationship with my own mom, and MIL also went through a very similar situation with hers, so we are very close because neither of us really got to experience the mother-daughter bond with our own moms. Plus, she's just really awesome
Since we moved across the country, we decided that when LO is due, she will come out for two weeks to help out and spend some good time with the baby. I hope my FIL will stay that long, too!
I hope that whoever my child/children marry, they are interested in having a relationship and want me around, but I know not everyone has as close a bond with their MIL so I will try to respect it if that just doesn't happen.
clementine / 961 posts
I love my MIL. She is so sweet and I am very lucky to have her as my MIL. I actually invited her to the birth but she ended up having to watch our other kids so wasn't able to be there. She did come soon after though. On the flip side my mother is a crazy lady and we do not speak to her much. If I can be anything like my MIL I hope that I have a good relationship with my future DIL.
bananas / 9357 posts
@Anagram: I think about this sometimes too. You know the saying: A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life.
I hope my future DIL will be like a daughter to me. I don't want to be a crazy MIL. lol I try not to worry about it right now and enjoy my baby while he's a baby.
nectarine / 2127 posts
I think about this all the time. I try so hard to put myself in MIL's shoes and treat her how I would want to be treated. I am very thankful that MIL is kind and loving and has welcomed me into the family with open arms. I struggle, though, with being close to her because of the geographic distance. Even though there's Facebook, it's not the same as if MIL and I got to hang out once a month or something. And at times, I feel really awkward because I know things about her son that she doesn't (he hates eggs, for example) and while I'd never throw that in her face, it does come up and she will sometimes pump me for information (DH is a typical man, he never calls to just chitchat).
But as it pertains to her grandson/our son, I want to make sure she is a part of his life by sharing pictures, I bought recordable story books so she can "read" to him, and we plan to make more trips than we have been.
That being said, if she were to try to step on my toes, I wouldn't be very happy. She raised her children, and while I truly believe she did an amazing job, I want to raise my child. And that's sonething I hope I remember when I'm the grandma.
ETA: the plan is for MIL to come when he's a few weeks old. It'll give us a chance to get home and get settled before having a long-term guest (my mom lives 3 hours away and will drive in for a weekend but not stay 2 weeks). I would feel very self-conscious about a dirty house and not preparing meals for MIL and want to feel as though I have a handle on breastfeeding before she comes to visit. She will stay probably 2 weeks. That's a lot for me to take on (DH already said he will be at work while she's here) and I don't feel bad for asking her to wait a couple of weeks when it's going to be such a long visit.