As some of you know, my husband experienced some serious issues immediately after my daughter was born ( Well, now, 9 months later, I'm on the verge of tears because of a botched dinner and dishes overflowing in the kitchen. One HB mom mentioned that PPD symptoms can occur any time within the first year of birth, and I did bottle up a lot over the past year in my efforts to support him.

I love my daughter SO MUCH. I never knew you could love another being to this extent.

That being said, I've come to the point that I want to burst into tears when she won't sleep properly (@ 9 months--I feel like I have failed at sleep training)

I want to burst into tears when my in-laws want to come over (they are HYPER CRITICAL and their anxiety (of EVERYTHING) affects my husbands thoughts whether he is aware of it or not--I don't even have the energy to debate it with him anymore, because he makes the same vague defense every time.) They basically cannot visit or see Luna without making several critical anxious remarks in another language which makes DH the middle man and sometimes he doesn't even tell me, but it comes out later from him.

We had a tumultuous journey with them over the past 9 months and I feel like I have worn my mommy friends out with my struggles--I don't even have words or energy to fight it anymore. Not-to-mention most of my mommy friends are going through things right now and don't have time or energy for my vague, heavy cloud of emotions that there is really no solution for (except a time machine, so I could go back and brace myself for the hurricane of emotions that hit me)

I want to burst into tears because every time I think about opening to someone, I can't for all of the reasons mentioned above.

I have been so transparent with my husband, but he just doesn't get it. Finally, last week he asked if I had anyone I could talk to about this--so, now, I feel like I can't even talk to him.

He is so supportive--he doesn't mind GrubHub or frozen meals on days that I can't get it together and even though he leaves for work around the time DD wakes up and gets home around the time she goes to sleep, when he can, he helps with the cleaning. Last weekend was the FIRST time he has expressed a less panic-stricken reaction at the idea of me leaving the house without my daughter (he actually suggested I take her with me to get my flu shot about a month ago) & even then it was like, one pilates class, but he seemed stressed when I suggested I go to Sprouts later that day without her--so, I'm still very limited.

My fear is that I am being ruled by my own anxieties and have become hyper-sensitive to criticism. I have even distanced myself from certain mom friends because they have a different parenting style than I do and I feel judged by them--so, that issues in further isolation.

Some remedies I am looking into from

-Take care of your body (The new Pilates class and scheduled walks outdoors)

-Take time for yourself (This is hard, because the only people my husband trusts with Luna are me and his mom and I don't fully trust his mom, not-to-mention the added stress of dealing with her criticism is not helpful)

-Set realistic goals (luckily for me, my husband understands and appreciates everything I am able to do--I'm the one who can't comprehend my lack of productivity at this stage of motherhood... so, I need to reflect and adjust my own expectations...)

-Talk about it (That's what this is--thanks for listening, lol)