I had a conversation with a married friend, and she said that if she was unhappy and her husband didn't do anything to address it... she'd be gone. She wasn't kidding either, I was surprised by her resolve! They have two kids, and so she'd go for primary custody and he would have them on weekends.
Would you stay in your relationship if you weren't happy?
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
I would try to make it work with counseling but I would probably leave if that didn't work.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
Honestly, I don't think I could leave. I don't know how I'd get over the guilt of being the person who ended it (even if my husband had already checked out). I'd try a whole ton of conselling first.
pineapple / 12802 posts
I would do anything I could to make it work, but if, for whatever reason, it didn't work I would leave.
papaya / 10560 posts
Right after I got married, we had a really hard time and neither one of us was happy. Everyone kept saying the first year is the hardest! I think it would be stupid if we had divorced or separated instead of working things out. Things did get better and our marriage is so much easier now even with a baby! We just found our married life groove. And I say this and we had been dating for 7 years before we got married.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22276 posts
I would give it my all. There was obviously a reason I married my DH, so I would try and find that again, even if it meant counseling. We have a LO together and I would hate for us to be a broken family. I think a lot of issues can be solved. If cheating were involved, maybe not...but I would definitely give it my all to fix the issues.
nectarine / 2127 posts
I think id seek counseling for myself first. I believe that you can't depend on others for your happiness, so I'd want to figure out why I was unhappy. Building from that, id work with my counselor to figure out how I could become happier.
If my husband was a factor in my unhappiness, I'd try marriage counseling and other strategies to try to strengthen our relationship (stuff like date nights, taking up a new hobby together, or just doing more stuff together).
It'd take more than just unhappiness to leave. Infidelity is probably the only immediate gtfo of my house deal breaker. And domestic violence but I'd be shocked if either of those ever happened!
coconut / 8305 posts
I would stay in an unhappy marriage.... With or without kids. It's been awhile since I read up on it but there have been several studies that showed children in a home of a complacent marriage, so long as it wasn't volatile, were better off than those with divorced parents.
honeydew / 7589 posts
I would do my best to make it work, and seek help in making it work, before considering splitting. I don't believe in giving up on something as important as a marriage without working to save it first.
In all reality though, I don't think I would ever divorce. I would just separate and keep a friendly relationship with my husband long-distance.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
Divorce isn't an option for us. If our relationship hit the point where we were both miserable, we'd be in counseling, individually and joint as needed.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
I'd only consider divorce if there was abuse or cheating... but I waited a long time to get married so that I'd be really sure that I was in the right relationship.
pineapple / 12526 posts
In the event of abuse or cheating, I'd be gone. No questions.
In the absence of either of those things, I'd do the best to make it work.
grapefruit / 4582 posts
I think I'm going to be the odd one out. I think I'd go! Assuming, like your friend, I just wasn't happy I think I'd subscribe to my motto "a happy mom is a happy baby". I think my children would know how unhappy I was and suffer as a result. I would still be very friendly and co-parent with DH but I have to do what's best for me first.
I grew up in a home where I knew my mom was unhappy. My dad was a great father and provider but didn't know how to love her and was out of town a lot. I wish she would have left. She would have been a much more satisfied woman and better mom
Eta: of course this would be after counseling and doing my best to make it work.
pear / 1787 posts
Like many people have said, I would try my hardest with both individual and couples counseling. But if that didn't help even after a lot of time and effort, I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage. My mother's parents did the whole "stay married for the sake of the kids" thing and it really damaged their whole family; my mom and her siblings grew up in a really tense, miserable household. My grandmother spent so many years unhappy--it's not worth it. When my grandparents finally got divorced (I was about five) everyone in the family was relieved.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
Yes. I don't think that DH is responsible for my happiness. It's too high of an expectation to put on infallible human brings. He contributes to it of course and there are times he does things to make me unhappy of course, but as a whole I determine my happiness.
I think that unless there was a dangerous situation, abuse or infidelity, I wouldn'teace my husband... Especially now with a baby
pineapple / 12234 posts
Yes. I would do whatever it takes to make my marriage work. DH and I go through ups and downs and we come out stronger from them.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
It takes two people to make a relationship work and if my husband had checked out, I wouldn't stay. Why would I, if he doesn't care enough to work for it, either? That's assuming this was a long-time issue and not just him having a bad week/couple of months.
The main issue here is, hypothetically, that the husband does *NOTHING* to resolve the issue. Actively working on it is a whole other issue. It takes two.
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
Well, not being happy could come from many different places. I would work on getting help to figure out why I am not happy before automatically jumping on the divorce wagon.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
I couldn't stay if I was that unhappy. Life is too short.
I have way to many friends that are so messed up where it comes to relationships because of their parents relationship. Kids are way smarter then people give them credit for and the pick up on it. I grew up with parents 100% heads over heels in love with each other and I want that for my kids. If I can't, then I don't want to give them the impression that it is ok to settle for 2nd best.
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
If he cheats on me, I am gone. Abuse as well, of course. Anything else, I would work on it, but life is too short to be unhappy and your kids will know so I think it would be best to part ways.
honeydew / 7909 posts
I've been unhappy in relationships before and I didn't think twice about leaving. I knew DH was the one for me when I fought for us to work things out (we rarely if ever "fight"). I'd do anything to stay together and have a happy marriage... I married him to be together for life... and because I love him. It takes work. No matter what. Fight for it.
GOLD / squash / 13464 posts
In the case of abuse I'm gone. I actually believe cheating can be worked through assuming it was a one time transgression and not like a secret second family. If hubs or I were unhappy in the marriage we would go to counseling to try as hard as possible to work through it. We both believe that us being married is what's best for our daughter. However if I told my husband I was unhappy and he was unwilling to do anything to improve things I would consider leaving.... But if he had that reaction he would be a different man than the man I married.
nectarine / 2019 posts
If I was unhappy long term I would leave. I stayed in a miserable marriage for 7 years. It destroyed my spirit and me as a person. I wouldn't ever do that again.
eggplant / 11824 posts
It would depend on the level of unhappiness, the root of the unhappiness and what we both were doing to address the issue. If it was something that wouldn’t change after we had worked to solve our issues; yes I would leave rather than spend the rest of my life unhappy.
Kids know when their parents are unhappy, and staying doesn’t do kids any favors. You model marriage behavior for your kids, and if you are unhappily married, they know it. My in-laws stayed married for a decade after they were “out of love” and had checked out of their marriage, although they remained living together and didn't cheat; and were extremely friendly and civil to each other and never fought. My husband then modeled that behavior with his first marriage, which naturally imploded as marriages in which you are just going through the motions don’t work.
GOLD / squash / 13576 posts
I think a lot of issues can be worked through with counseling. So, I would try that option first. If I was seriously unhappy and we had tried counseling, I would consider leaving rather than spending my life unhappy.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
I think it totally depends on how long it goes on. I mean, 5 days can go by and I'm upset with DH, but 5 years and I'm still unhappy? Thats a different story.
I also wonder in situations like this, how much are you really unhappy in your relationship/unhappy with SO versus just unhappy with your life in general.
coconut / 8854 posts
I wouldn't leave my marriage because of unhappiness. I would talk to our pastor, pray about it, and go to counselling if needed! We would make it work. We feel in love with each other for a reason, and we made vows to each other.
pomegranate / 3895 posts
While I would go to great lengths to make it work, if ultimately it just wasn't happening then I would leave. I think the effects of staying in an unhappy marriage are far more detrimental to ourselves and our children than leaving (although, of course, neither is a happy option).
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
My line in the sand would be if there was abuse or unfaithfulness. Those two are non-negotiable, but I'd stay in pretty much any other situation. DH and I have a divorce is not an option philosophy.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
I would only consider divorce if cheating was involved!
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