We went to a wedding this weekend, and I found out our friend's wife is about 5 months pregnant- yay! Except, apparently she was drinking most of the night. I personally only saw her have 1, maybe 2, drinks (I saw her throwing a bottle away, so cannot say for sure whether she drank it or what) but people at her table at the wedding say she had at least 4 drinks (wine, vodka, champagne).
People were pretty upset, but everyone else had been drinking much more so emotions were high. Some people wanted to say something to the husband, I thought everyone was too drunk to have that kind of conversation at that moment. I've been thinking about it since and I don't really know what the right thing to do would have been. I'm not close enough to the couple to ever say something, but if your good friend's wife was drinking at least 4 drinks in a night while pregnant, what would you do?
Note-- I have no problem with pregnant women having a drink while pregnant, it's their choice. But 4 seems excessive even by the most lenient recommendations. Thoughts?
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If the pregnant woman was my friend, I would say something to her about it. If the pregnant woman's husband was my friend, I would strike up a conversation about drinking during pregnancy and see how he feels about it.
If I saw her drinking more than 2 drinks, though and I had had some myself, I might go beyond myself and say something to her.
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I wouldn't do it myself and I would think it was odd, but I wouldn't say anything. I am sure she knows the possible effects it can have on the baby, so it's just a risk she's assuming.
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If it were a good friend, I would have said something, maybe in a half joking way, like "wow, baby must be getting buzzed! What is that, your fourth drink?" Or I would have said something to her husband. But only if I witnessed her drinking myself, and knew that the drinks had alcohol in them. Especially if other people were drunk, they might have thought that she was drinking more than she was; or maybe she was drinking like club soda, and people thought it was vodka. And I guess to each their own...although 4 drinks seems WAY excessive to me while pregnant (that's how many I would have if I WEREN"T pregnant, if that many).
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@lawbee11: Yeah-- my view was that she knows what the doctor's recommend so it's not like we have some new insight, like, oh, hey, actually you AREN'T supposed to get drunk! So if it seems like it's between her and her husband.
@mediagirl: She actually doesn't seem to like DH and me that much anyway, so we are definitely staying out of it. Our other friends might say something.
And yeah, I never personally saw her drinking more than 1 full glass of wine. And the people at her table were drunk. So I don't really know what happened, though I do know her husband was very drunk. -
If everyone else was so drunk, isn't it possible they were exaggerating, or got their facts wrong? I wouldn't say anything unless I saw her drinking something that was definitely alcoholic, and it was definitely in excess.
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That would be so tough to address. Good call on not doing it that night while people were drinking. Maybe your husband (if he's the one close to the friend) could says something like, "Oh great time at the wedding blah blah...I was surprised to see your wife drinking, our OB definitely said no to Foodnerd drinking while she was pregnant."
Or maybe more like "How are y'all adjusting to the news of the pregnancy?" and if they don't get the hint "it's just that your wife seemed a little on edge at the wedding...I noticed she was drinking a lot."
I"m sure they already know drinking is bad, but it might be an issue behind that causing the problem.
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I don't know what I would do. It if was my best friend/sister having 4 drinks, I'd for sure say something, because we have that type of relationship. Probably something like "heyyy, you're pregnant, let me drink that for you" to keep things light.
My cousin drank while pregnant, not TOOO much, but enough that I was kind of surprised (at the point I saw her, I didn't realize it was okay to have wine occasionally). I never said anything, and neither did anyone else. I figure she must have had permission from her doctor or was aware of the risks. She usually had 1-1.5 glasses of wine at family events throughout her whole pregnancy.
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I'm in the camp of a glass of wine is fine here and there during pregnancy, but a pregnant person drinking as if she is NOT pregnant is definitely disturbing.
I'm surprised that her husband "let" her have this much, as I feel that most husbands get super nervous about this. My husband "lets" me have a glass of wine, but I know in his heart of hearts he'd rather I just skip it because he hasn't read everything I've read or heard my doc say it's ok like I did.
Unfortunately, saying something to her or to her husband probably won't matter. There's no way that she is unaware that having 3 or 4 drinks at a time while pregnant isn't a good idea. She HAS to already know that. She is either not concerned, doesn't believe it, etc...So honestly, there's probably not a lot that anyone could say that would be productive or "get through" to her, because she already knows the risks, and she just chose to do it anyway.
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In this case it definitely is tough because you didn't see it face to face. Only if I saw her drink 4 glasses of something would I say something. Sounds like you did the right thing at the time.
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Oh and I will say that I drank St. Pauli Girl NA beer on our babymoon in a bar/grill place while we were on our babymoon. DH wanted to watch some game so we sat at the bar and I had 2 NA beers while we ate and sat there. It made me feel more fun:)
I noticed when I got up to go to the bathroom and my bump was on full display, that I got some Side Eye from a couple of tables. I'm sure they saw me sitting there drinking beer and thought nothing of it bc they couldn't see my belly behind the bar, and then when I got up they were like "Woah!" So there's also the possibility that she appeared to be drinking but maybe she had some NA alternative just to make herself feel "fun" and celebratory. Sometimes NA drinks can do that a lot better than water when the people you're with are drinking!Oh and I also had a NA frozen margarita in a huge margarita glass! I'm sure that looked pretty scandalous too, to all the other people drinking margaritas in the restaurant we were at!
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I would definitely notice and be bothered by it but I would never say anything to her or her DH. The most I might ever do would be to ask her what kind of wine she's drinking and if it's any good just to get her talking about it then make a comment like "Wow you don't see too many pregnant women drinking nowadays, seems like back in our parents era it was much more common!"
Because what am I going to do, report her? Maybe public shaming would discourage her from doing it around others but once she's in the privacy of her own home she'll drink whatever she wants.
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@jholler25: I agree with you on all of this. I'm not pregnant yet, but in the car the next day, DH was like, yeah, YOU are not drinking when you're pregnant. I was like, yes, I know, I will not be having 4 drinks, don't worry.
It was just so weird and I kept thinking about it all the next day. And yeah, like people said, there is still plenty of doubt in my mind that maybe someone was exaggerating and got their stories wrong. More reason that I'm staying out of it. -
I wold notice and probably look sideways at her but I would not say anything. It's not my business. I hate when people think they can tell pregnant women what they can do with their bodies.
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Like previous posters, I'd' have to personally see that she drank that many and verified it was indeed alcohol, then strike up a conversation in relation to in a half joking matter to see what she says. I am also baffled that her husband let her consume that much, if those drinks were indeed alcoholic! *shaking my head*
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I wouldn't say anything to either the woman or her husband. They both know she is pregnant and the effects of alcohol on the baby and chose to drink...I don't think talking to them about it is going to make them change their minds. I would just stay out of it.
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I'm glad so many people agree with me on staying out of it (besides talking about it to internet peeps!). I started second guessing myself but now I feel reassured that I was right to discourage people from saying something that night.
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Who really knows what she had, ya know? It's heresay. Maybe she just had a sip of her husband's wine and champagne, and that suddenly turned into "OMG SHE HAD 4 GLASSES".
I've already had people comment to my husband on what I should and should not be doing (turkey sandwiches! Running! O'douls! The horrors). Really, people need to mind their own business. If she and her husband are ok with the behavior, there's nothing to do about it.
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I wouldn't say anything. It isn't like my statements would suddenly give her any new information. I'm sure she knows drinking while.pregnant isn't awesome. I had a friend who had an unplanned pregnancy and she was not living a pregnancy friendly lifestyle at the time. It was extremely stressful to cut out all of the different things at one time, so she (and I guess her doctor) decided to cut out certain things and not others. Not necessarily thd same choice I would have made, but it was none of my business and I'd never give her a hard time for it.
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I wouldn't say anything. She's well aware of the risk associated with drinking while pregnant. You would have to live under a rock not to be. It's not my place to tell her what to do with her body. It would certainly make me uncomfortable, but I would keep my mouth shut.
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I personally believe in zero alcohol whilst pregnant but I still wouldnt say anything, if they are both adults over 21 then I assume they know whats best for them and their baby
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@zippylef: I am with you.
although I think she was making a bad choice, it isn't my place to comment on her personal decisions regarding her body.
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I wouldn't say anything... I figure everyone knows at this point the effects of alcohol on the unborn baby so it's her choice if she wants to take such a risk. Really sad though....
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She might have just had a sip of her husbands drinks and it got blown out of proportion.
I wouldnt accuse someone of something if I hadn't seen it myself, especially since the people who saw it were drunk.
What I might do is give her a heads up that she was being gossiped about and tell her that the drunky mcdrunnkersons have decided that she's been throwing them back.
It would give her a chance to set the record straight and if she did say she had been drinking heavily then it might be a time I'd chime in and say oh, I've heard one is OK but there can be problems with more and maybe say something to her husband. But I bet it was that the drunky's just needed something to gossip about.
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I wouldn't say anything.
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I think you probably did the right thing - when everyone is drunk, it's hard to have a productive conversation!
I'm a little weirded-out by people saying that they would say something to her husband though... she's a grown woman. I would be pissed if someone made a comment to my husband about their perception of my behavior. I think past posters are probably right in that she could have just had a sip, or something NA, and people gossiped about it to a bigger deal. Who knows.
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I think if you want to say something, you need to be very darn sure she was actually drinking. For eg: I will often have a cranberry and soda in a wine glass and it looks like red wine. If everyone else was as drunk as you say, I wouldn't necessarily take their word for it. I wouldn't say anything.
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I wouldn't say anything either. But it would drive me nuts to stay quiet. DH's friends wife is due a few weeks after me and has refused to quit smoking and I've literally woken up worrying about the health of her baby.
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@bpaig: I think people are saying to talk to the husband because he is the one in our group of friends-- like he has been friends with everyone for years, and we know his wife because she is his wife, if that makes sense.
I can only imagine the drama if I told her people were gossiping about her! We aren't close (another reason I wouldn't say something myself). If it was my BFF I would have flat out asked her about it there, no problem (not lectured, asked).
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