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Un this sounds terrible. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. If you are willing to consider seeing a therapist I think that may be a good first step.

We are expecting our first next year and M is estranged from his Dad who is borderline abusive. Through lots of talks with my therapist and later talking it out with M I am ok with our plan for dealing with him. It may seem harsh but to me being a biological grandparent does not give a person the automatic right to have contact with their grandchild. My "FIL" has to get right with M before I will even consider allowing him to meet our child.

So from my perspective you are being downright generous. Does she ever have down days around your son?

If it were me, i wouldn't continue putting up with it so my child could maintain a relationship with his grandmother, because I wouldn't want my child involved with someone like that, grandma or not. Bottom line.

If he wants to pursue a relationship when he's older, great. But right now, it's your job to protect him. She sounds toxic.

@Ra: But if B sees her treating you that way....it sends him mixed messages.

I feel for you =\. Such a shitty situation

@.twist.: great advice!! I agree, time to limit contact in the ways she is abusive to you.

@Ra: I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Sounds awful, and sad.

So sorry youve got to deal with this shit, sweetheart. Youre so lovely and you don't deserve it.

As far as Brady not understanding why mummy and Grandma don't hang out together..... Its OK, surely, for people not to get on "but we both love you, darling"? Growing up, most of my family hated each other and I just understood that adults were weird but it didn't affect me!!

My father, he was always liked to yell, and when he was really upset, swear a lot and yell even louder. He was a grouchy cantankerous guy, but it was my normal, but when my older brother got married and had young kids, I didn’t always understand why he wouldn’t come over to the house that often, but I understand now (now that I’m older and have kids of my own), that he just didn’t want his kids surrounded with someone like that, as my father would also yell and swear at my brother and sister-in-law (who is like the sweetest lady I love her to death) when he was in a surly mood and didn’t like something they said or did, which in my opinion, wasn’t anything big at all, he was just a grumpy guy. My brother didn’t want to cut my parents off from the kids, especially my mom who was always sweet, as cutting dad out would mean cutting mom out too, and that wouldn’t have been fair to her, but my brother’s workaround was that he would rarely bring my sister-in-law around and he didn’t come around that often, or my mom and I had to drive to my brother’s house ourselves and leave dad at home. My parents are now both passed away, but I wonder how I would have dealt with my father’s grouchiness with my kids as well if they were still around, if he ranted and yelled at my husband, it would be painful but I think I wouldn’t stand for it. If your MIL is not willing to go to therapy or treatment, then you do have the right to determine whether your MIL can see your children; it’s not right that she can be verbally abusive to you yet still enjoy the privilege of seeing her grandchildren. Children will understand for the most part I do believe, if you can explain without anger, why it is that they don’t see your MIL.

Not to say that this is necessarily the same, but I wanted to share that I've been in a similar situation, but actually in Brady's position. I can remember being very young (5, 6 years old?) and being confused about the way my grandma (who was very mentally ill) treated my mom. I cried all the way home from Chrustmas one year because my grandma included in the prayer before dinner that we should pray for my mom, her parents and us kids because we would all go to hell unless we went to her church to be saved. At various points my grandma had cut off each of her children in turn, pitted them against each other, etc. we oscillated wildly between being close to my dad's family and have zero contact with them my entire childhood. It was confusing and hurtful as a child to hear that our grandma didn't want to see us this year. It's hurtful now as an adult to know my grandma has ignored my existence for 8 years and the DAY I had my kids she Facebook messaged my mom, begging to see pictures, to come see us in the hospital. And when my mom said no, she emailed my dad a nasty, spiteful letter about what a terrible son and father he is. It's hard knowing that my kids have a living great-grandparent but they'll never know her. I will never put my kids through the emotional roller coaster my siblings and I went through. Again, I know things are not necessarily the same in our situations, but I thought I should share because it's something I feel strongly about!

As hard as it must be, I think I would endure it so I could supervise my child in her presence. If it was causing damage to my own health and well being though I would remove myself. Your son will be fine if your husband is aroun and you aren't but not if the abuse is affecting you in such a way that interrupts your happiness.

I really don't think you should keep a relationship with her for your son's sake. It's taking a toll on you and your husband, and if your son isn't aware yet how badly his grandmother treats you, he will be soon. Kids pick up on this stuff a lot faster than you think. Besides, your mother in law probably can't always be all Jekyll and Hyde like that... at some point, she might decide that being mean to your son is fair game too.

@Ra: I have had countless final straws with my mum but when she tried to pit LO against me (yes, a 5 month old baby) I felt it was too far. My mum is really sick though and refuses therapy. Is your MIL in therapy? Is there more to the story as far as her refusing her meds? Is she willing to try them again? Is she improved when she is on them? It sounds like you are willing to work with her if she can be willing to take some steps too...

With my mum, I still gave her another chance to be in our lives when my dad passed. Her true colors really shined when she called him a failure, among other unspeakable things right after his passing. I don't want to be involved with someone that has no compassion. I think you will know when enough is enough and it may be gradual and may not be black and white. Bottom line, my mum is incapable and unwilling to change. Is MIL? I think that might be the key for me in your situation.

For lack of better words, I am using this quote from the beloved Maya Angelou. Your character can be influenced by those that surrounds you.

“The sisters and brothers that you meet give you the materials which your character uses to build itself. It is said that some people are born great, others achieve it, some have it thrust upon them. In truth, the ways in which your character is built have to do with all three of those. Those around you, those you choose, and those who choose you.”

― Maya Angelou

We cut a family member (my uncle) out of our lives recently for very similar abusive behavior. Unfortunately, we didn't do it until I was in my 20s and My family and I had endured a brunt of the abuse for many years. We (my parents, sibling, DH and I) had tried to cut him out many times but were always guilted in to re-allowing him into our lives.

It took a terrible holiday gathering that almost ended in a physical altercation to convince everyone else (grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins) that he needed to be out of our (my immediate family's) lives and that my family would not see him again.

It's hard, and awkward at times, but I do not regret the decision at all. Now that he is not in my life, I seriously wonder how we got through family events all those years. It's so much happier and relaxing now. I don't have to worry about my every move possibly setting him off and causing a ranting/screaming/storming out scene. It's so much better. My child will never meet him, and DH and I are totally fine with that. I don't want them to have to worry how I did.

@Ra: my MIL is the same - ill (aspergers/dementia), refuses treatment and is verbally abusive, mostly directed at my husband.
My husband was raised in a very abusive household where his mother was the only was who wasn't criminally abusive because she "doesn't know any better". DH has cut ties with his other family (father died, stopped all communication w/brother years ago). We still see his mother from time to time, but it's hard. I'm glad we're on the same page though - and it sounds like your DH is there for you as well.
I've made it clear that I will not tolerate any BS when it comes to my son. Sometimes her actions are disappointing (forgetting J's birthday... he's her only grandchild...) at least she's civil.

@Ra: hugs! That sounds awful!

@Ra: My dad's mom was always super mean and rude to my mom. After a while my mom refused to be around her. My dad was cool with it and he would just take me and my sister to visit her once in a while. She was pretty nice to to us. I never thought it was that weird that my mom never came over to grandma's house (3 hours away), I just thought it was a fun adventure I got to do with dad. Maybe you guys can eventually get into a routine like that.

Honestly? Id probably tell her to go fuck herself and keep my kid away from her until such time as she gets treatment and gets her shit together (and proves she can continue to do so).

That's me though....

Im really sorry you're going through this. My MIL was an addict and had some bad mental issues too. Thankfully, she liked me but I saw how she treated my BILs girlfriend, who she didn't. Not cool.

I'm with @loveisstrange:. If it was me, nobody gets to disrespect me and still have a relationship with my son. I'd have DH tell her that she needs to get on meds and stop the abusiveness or she won't have a relationship with her grandson.

@Ra: Sounds like you've got a good plan! Especially since most occasions are at your house! I wouldn't want that either.