Thank you, everyone, for your opinions and advice. I'm pretty settled on what I'm going to do now. 
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I wouldn't have a problem in general (although the first time I was nervous).
BUT I wouldn't let anyone who smoked pot drive my kid.
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i'm not very comfortable with others (except dh) driving lo without me, but it has happened on occasion.
could you possibly drop them off early and they could either stay the night or you could pick them up when you get off work?
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Would it be possible for you to drive them over there a little early, before you go to work and the uncles shindig starts?
The pot thing and driving would definitely concern me. -
Hypothetically, I could drive them over and drop them off, then pick them up, but I would work an 3-11 shift and I'm certain DH will not want to stay there until 11pm. They would not be able to stay the night for several reasons. The driving and smoking thing very much concerns me.
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I don't think you're nutso even though I don't share your feelings. Ultimately he's your child and you have to do what's right for you and your family. Does your DH agree with you on this? Is it at all feasible for you to drive them to the uncle's before you go to work?
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I would really prefer to go and visit and drop off presents and everything for his father's side of the family on Christmas Eve. We have the whole day off, so it would be the easiest. Then Christmas day we could do Christmas morning just us three, then in the afternoon visit with his mother and her side of the family
(DHs parents are divorced) since they live on the same street as us and it would be much less hectic. -
Although I hate it, I'm sort of thankful MY family lives hundreds of miles away at this time of they ear - I don't know how we'd survive trying to divide a holiday between four separate families like this @_@
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Guess I was a little late in responding. And I didn't see the pot thing. In that case, I definitely am with you!!
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I say do Christmas how it works out best for you. If that means his dad's on Christmas eve and his mom's on Christmas day, then do that, and everyone can get go along with it.
What does your DH say about it?
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@NurseMommy: DH thinks I'm being unreasonable, but says he will stand by me. We had a pretty big discussion about it and he made me *feel* unreasonable. Ultimately, his biggest concern is being alone on Christmas, just him and baby, but I spoke with MIL and he can come visiting with them that evening. And I know how he feels, he worked Thanksgiving and after uncle's dinner, I was alone for that shift he worked with baby and it sucked, so I don't want him to feel like that.
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I don't mind trusted family members driving my LO, however the pot thing is an absolute NO go for me. I do not trust my child's life to a chance someone is under the influence. I would do what you see fit!
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I feel like there are two issues at play. FIL smoking pot and then driving with your family in the car- very reasonable to be uncomfortable with this. And I know a lot of pot smokers say they are fine to drive after smoking, but I disagree.
But, if your Dh cannot drive and you both work irregular hours, it seems like this will come up a lot and some compromise will have to be made. He won't want to be stuck in the house any time you aren't there. Is there anyone you would trust in the future?
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@Foodnerd81: To be perfectly honest, that's pretty much exactly what he would want, lol. He is crazy introverted. But in times like these, you're right. I feel like once LO is older I won't be so intense about it, but he just seems so little yet...
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I would have an issue with an active drug user being around my child. I would have an even bigger issue with the drug user DRIVING my child in a car. No offense but you're worried about deer?
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I would be okay as long as they used a child seat, those things are built like a tank. Especially with a grandparent, but none of LO's grandparents or family smokes pot so I am not sure how I would feel about that that.
That being said I can understand your worry, you just don't want the time your LO gets into troubles that you are not there to protect your baby. Most people will say that 99.9% of the time everything works out but you just don't want to chance this being the 0.1% that it's bad news bears.
I think that's great your DH will support your choice and you have to make a choice you are comfortable with so you don't have any regrets in the future. So if I were you I would follow my gut and not let my FIL drive them.
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: Eh, to be honest, I don't much consider pot to be a hard drug to be concerned about. If he was doing crack or something, yeah, but not pot. I pretty much consider it the same in terms of drug use as alcohol. I'm only concerned with him driving while under the influence, whether that would be alcohol or pot.
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That said, I also wouldn't be comfortable with anyone smoking around LO. That also wouldn't fly.
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@Raindrop: Yeah, I think that's exactly how I'm thinking
Spot on. I just have a lot of anxiety regarding leaving LO to begin with, so I think the leaving him and putting him other situations is just exaggerating it. I absolutely love my FIL and think he's responsible and trustworthy in a good number of ways. In the past, I have felt perfectly safe driving with him and he is a safe driver. But with LO everything is different, you know?
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@ZombieBullfrogHoller: marijuana may not be a hard drug by your definition, but it's a drug nonetheless and one that can alter/impair your mind.
I wouldn't let a known drug user around my child. Letting them drive wouldn't even be an option.
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I don't mind trusted people but the pot thing is a huge no.
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: just curious, but do you not allow people who drink alcohol to be around your children?
@ZombieBullfrogHoller: I don't share your concerns about someone driving my child without me (although I would be clear that smoking first wasn't okay), but I don't think you're crazy. Find a compromise this year and hopefully circumstances will change before the next holiday season.
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: I can respect that
But, for me, as long as he's not operating heavy machinery, I'm okay. I would consider him a "responsible smoker" by all means. As a smoker for well over 30+ years, I trust him. But driving my LO after smoking is where I draw the line. He may even understand if I'm frank with him about it, to be honest. If he promised me that he would not be smoking or drinking that day, that wouldn't weigh on my mind. But then we're back to the "others driving my LO" and we're back to me being unreasonable but still feeling uneasy.
I think I'll ultimately say we can visit them Christmas Eve, but have plans on Christmas day. Just matter of fact.
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I did think that you were overreacting, until you got to the pot smoking part. No matter what you think about drugs, they impair you, and disqualify you from driving. Not a choice.
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@JoyfulKiwi: it depends on the amount. Do I personally drink around her? No. I know it impairs my judgement and would never feel comfortable being her caregiver at the same time.
I think there is a difference between a social glass of wine and being outright belligerent and drunk; I would be okay with Chloe in a setting where alcohol is served, but not an unruly crowd.
I would also never let anyone under the influence be allowed to drive with my child in the car.
My sisters best friend was killed a year ago last Saturday by a drunk driver.
Sobriety is a deal breaker for me when it comes to being in charge of my child.
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I think that if he abstains from smoking there isn't a problem. It is not like they are going hours away. I personally would be fine with him driving them, especially if you have ridden with him before and he was a safe driver.
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While I would honestly prefer to be a 24/7 parrot on DD's shoulder, I don't mind her being driven by trusted, responsible family members. With DH not being a licensed driver, you might find yourself in this situation more than once.
With that being said, I wouldn't be cool with someone driving her if they were a known, habitual pot smoker. While it's not akin to, say, crack, it can and does impair motor function and judgement.
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I wouldn't love someone driving my LO, but I think I'd put it in the "not a reasonable fear to enforce" category myself. I'd be more concerned about the pot thing.
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I agree with seperating the two issues. FIL driving while possibly impaired no. But others driving I think will need to happen.
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@sarac: "No matter what you think about drugs, they impair you, and disqualify you from driving. Not a choice."
That's my stance on it. If he's going to smoke, there's not even a debate.
Like I've said, I'm not going to let anyone under the influence drive my child or, like @Mrs. Jump Rope: has said, be in charge of being a caregiver to my child.
I'm going to propose this Christmas Eve idea and see how that goes. If that doesn't work, I'll be frank with FIL. OF course, FIL hasn't even offered to pick anyone up yet, so I MAY be worrying for nothing! Which I'm want to do...
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@deerylou: A parrot on his shoulder, yes!
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I didn't read any comments, but I don't think you're nuts. I was not comfortable with anyone driving - even DH - for a long time. Just one of those, if anything ever happened I'd rather blame myself - not necessarily that I thought I was a perfect driver, or anything.
I'm comfortable with my parents driving her - and DH - because I know that they are *almost* as obsessive about her safety as I am
she's 14 months old, now, though. at 4 months - I didn't even leave her with anyone aside from myself, never mind let anyone drive her!the pot also would give me massive pause.
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@mrsmenow: I agree with you! If he agrees not to smoke before/during the time he's driving them (and after, once he gets to the uncle's house, since he'll prob have to drop them off), then I think it's fine. I would actually be ok with FIL having a glass of wine at dinner and then dropping them off later, too.
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@HabesBabe: I would more comfortable if he gave me his word about that, for sure.
Like @sorrycharlie: I'm just immensely protective and insane about his safety and just leaving him with DH while I'm at work, I'm a mess. I think if he was older, I might be different, but I never thought I'd be *that* sort of mom, to begin with, either -
@ZombieBullfrogHoller: I am the same way! I thought I'd be back to work FT by 3 months..totally didn't happen
i'm a helicopter. I didn't ease up til 12 months!
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@sorrycharlie: DH laughs at me - I was staunchly "I will NOT be a helicopter!" ever since we even thought of having kids, all through pregnancy, then the day he was born, I just could not stop myself
haha
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@Mrs. Jump Rope: same here. This person wouldn't have a chance to drive my LO because they wouldn't be around him to begin with!
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@cmomma17: I never knew people had such staunch attitudes in regards to smokers.
No disrespect, we just have different attitudes For what it's worth, FIL is a great guy and I do trust him around my LO. Would I let him babysit if he was going to get high? No. But he's raised 4 kids and is a respectable, productive member of society. It's not as though he would ever give LO a joint or even smoke around him or in the same vicinity of him. He's all around responsible guy. I really didn't mean to paint him in such a negative light. I don't know for *certain* he even would smoke while driving him, it's just in the back of my mind and is something I need to bring up with him if he ever does have to drive him somewhere.
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I dont think ur nuts. I've nvr had anyone drive lo aside from me ot dh until last month when my mom (his primary caretaker) drove him from.her house to ours (5 miles). She's done it twice total. Ds is 12.5 mths.
I would bot feel comfortable w ur fil driving lo either esp w his habit.
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Thanks again, everyone! I'm pretty decided on what I think I'm going to do at this point. I appreciate all your advice and suggestions!
I'm going to delete the OP, however. Thanks!
Spot on. I just have a lot of anxiety regarding leaving LO to begin with, so I think the leaving him and putting him other situations is just exaggerating it. 
she's 14 months old, now, though. at 4 months - I didn't even leave her with anyone aside from myself, never mind let anyone drive her!
haha
No disrespect, we just have different attitudes 
I'm going to delete the OP, however. Thanks!
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44 comments