I know there have been threads on this, but I can't seem to find any of them.
So I am 11 weeks and on the verge of being "out" about it, but I"m struggling on how to tell my nextdoor neighbor who lost a baby in September. Our boys play together afterschool a lot and she told me super early when she was expecting. I"ve been avoiding telling her bc I just don't know how to do it sensitively without being oversensitive and be weird--if that makes sense.
Suggestions?
pear / 1852 posts
Tell her you want to tell her quietly and privately before it becomes widely known so she isn't hurt by the knowledge?
kiwi / 739 posts
Can you text her so she can react the way she wants/needs to?
I would guess she will struggle bc lo are same and and the babies would have been too.
Tough situation. Good luck.
honeydew / 7463 posts
I've had 2 losses, both D&Cs. I'd also suggest telling her privately and soon, so that she doesn't hear through the grapevine. And even saying you wanted her to hear it from you and you understand it might bring mixed feelings for her. Even a simple "you ok?" After you tell her could be nice. She'll be happy for you, but still sad.
And as crappy as it sounds, I wouldn't be too gushy about it. Not saying you should be ashamed, but if you are all bubbly and excited when you tell her, it could be viewed as insensitive.
You know what though, everyone is different and will handle things differently. My suggestions are just what I would want to hear, and I'm only one person, so take it with a grain of salt. It's nice that you're even considering her feelings, not everyone does!
nectarine / 2987 posts
Advice I've gotten was to say something like "I understand if you have mixed feelings about this, but I wanted to let you know privately that we are expecting." Then allow her time to react but be prepared with another conversation topic like have you tried that new playground on Oak street .. or whatever.
apricot / 334 posts
i agree to tell her sooner rather than later so she doesn't find out from someone else. i think whether you tell her in person or text/phone depends on your relationship and how comfortable you feel. it's really considerate that you care enough to give this thought, just acknowledging her feelings and that this is a hard situation should hopefully give her some comfort.
persimmon / 1045 posts
This is so nice of you! I would definitely appreciate it if I was to hear from the person themselves, in private and before hearing it from others. I still would love to hear how the pregnancy is going despite it touching a nerve at first. I've (sadly) seemingly lost a friendship over something like this...she's pregnant on my miscarriage due date and we don't talk anymore 
but not for lack of me asking. So as long as you keep communication open I think you're good! 
nectarine / 2641 posts
Right after I miscarried, a friend told me she was pregnant. She knew about the miscarriage and had been a great support (she'd miscarried before her first). We saw each other in person, but she told me via e-mail. She asked for my forgiveness for telling me via e-mail, and explained why. It was very sweet, and I appreciated being able to digest it on my own. I was totally thrilled for her. It was easier for me because I had actually just (like, 2 days before) found out I was pregnant as well, but I would have been thrilled for her even if I hadn't been.
One thing I will say is that a couple other of my friends were nearing the end of their pregnancies at the time, and their (totally normal) pregnancy complaints were really hard for me to hear. Oh, your back hurts? Well, I just lost a baby, so I don't really care... That made me pull away a little. Just something to keep in mind.
If you think it'd help you, I'd be happy to PM you her e-mail to me.
clementine / 811 posts
@Mrs. D: @LibbyLou:@Nutella: thank you
@SweetiePie: @MrsSRS: @Jellyfish: this is exactly what I meant, I want to be sensitive and give her some room, I like the idea of telling her it may bring mixed feelings, this is a hard situation and trying to change the topic if it seems to catch her off guard.
@Jess1483: I was leaning toward telling her in person, it feels a little more personal than a text, but an email might be a good medium... and I'm reeeeally hoping she's pregnant now too! I know they are trying again and selfishly I think that's why I've been waiting to tell her.
grapefruit / 4187 posts
As someone who has had a miscarriage I can say that as long as you previously acknowledged the sadness of the m/c it is completely unnecessary to dwell on it or tie it in to your joyous announcement. I've had three friends announce pregnancies to me who knew about my m/c and I'm so happy that none of them felt the need to apologize for being pregnant or happy about it!
cantaloupe / 6687 posts
Everyone is different. For me, I was happy for all of my friends who were pregnant and went on to have healthy babies that they were able to bring home. I agree with @Modern Daisy, if you've grieved with her and acknowledged her loss and sadness and pain then there's no need to tie it into your announcement necessarily, but again, everyone is different. It's hard no matter what. For me, it was more awkward to be around people who seemed to go out of their way to be like "I know it will be hard to be around me." So for me, I would send a text letting her know your happy news. And acknowledge her pain and loss separately. Act normal as you always have with her but be understanding of however she responds to your news
pomelo / 5660 posts
@HazelEyes: Personally, I think it would be awkward to do in person. I'd prefer to do over email/text so she can process.
grapefruit / 4545 posts
@HazelEyes: When I found out I was pregnant this time my three closest local friends were all struggling with infertility. I was ill over how to tell them to protect them as best I could. I sent them each a personal email - explaining that I was not trying to be impersonal but rather offer them the opportunity to react however they needed. Each of the girls called or came by shortly after and we chatted - of course they were all thrilled for me as I knew they would be but 2 of the 3 mentioned that they appreciated the heads up allowing them to be how they needed to be privately.
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