Are there any other step-mom's on the bee? Let's chat!
Children:
Step children:
Step-child for how long:
Lives with:
Relationship with step-child:
Relationship with step-child's mom:
Other thoughts:
Are there any other step-mom's on the bee? Let's chat!
Children:
Step children:
Step-child for how long:
Lives with:
Relationship with step-child:
Relationship with step-child's mom:
Other thoughts:
pomegranate / 3973 posts
Children: DS: 14 months
Step children: Step-Daughter, 13 years
For how long? She was 3 when I began really dating her dad, although held her at 6 weeks(!). She's officially been my step daughter for 3 years.
Lives with: DH and I since she was 8, her mom lives in Florida, we are in Iowa. She goes to Florida for a couple months in the Summer.
Relationship with step-child: Great, although more like sisters maybe? She is very close to her mom, and I don't want to take her place. In the past she's always had issues saying 'I love you' because "you're not my mom" so I never pushed it, and since I didn't grow up hearing it from my parents it wasn't ever an issue, although I do say it to DS now. We get along very well though.
Relationship with step-child's mom: Better than it was and that's only because we don't have to deal with her often. She is definitely in a better place in her life now, than she was when SD (step daughter) first came to live with us. She does NOT pay any child-support though which really bugs me because if the situation was reversed we would be paying. SD has her own cell phone so we don't talk to her mom often other than arranging summer visits. SD is flying to Florida at the end of the month for her mom's wedding.
Other: I think it was hard for me being a step-mom before being a mom. Its tough skirting the balance between being a mom and step mom. She is a GREAT girl though so we haven't had any big issues. I always struggled with the fact that I didn't want to treat her differently than my own children, but I find that love for my DS is totally different. It's sooo hard and I can beat myself up about it at times.
pineapple / 12802 posts
Children: 1
Step children: 2 (8 & 11)
Step-child for how long: 7 years
Lives with: Primarily mother, us part time.
Relationship with step-child: rocky.
Relationship with step-child's mom: non-existant because she refuses to meet me because I am a "cheerleader slut"? Whatever that means.
Other thoughts: Being a step parent is one of the hardest things ever. I admire biomoms who make an effort to be civil and supportive of another women loving their children when they're not around. Balancing two families is so hard and mama instincts are so strong. I can imagine how tough it is to share that love, but it is so admirable when it happens.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@.twist.: I totally agree that step parenting is so hard! Luckily SD's mom would like to have a civil relationship which I can agree with, we just don't have to interact often since she lives 1500 miles away. And I have to commend her for knowing that SD is better with us.
That is crazy that you haven't even been able to meet their mom after 7 years. I think she needs to acknowledge you're not going anywhere! I hope that she's not condescending around the kids, esp. with the 'cheerleader slut' comment.
olive / 67 posts
Children: DS (10.5 months)
Step children: 2 step daughters, 17 and 19 yrs
Step-child for how long: 2 years
Lives with: their mom in Denmark
Relationship with step-child: It's friendly, but we've never spent more than a week or two at a time together, so it's kind of hard to get close. The younger (17 yr old) may come live with us to finish her last year of high school next year. I hope she does although it will be a big adjustment for all of us.
Relationship with step-child's mom: Pretty non-existent. We've met a few times, but she lives in Denmark and I'm in North Carolina, so we don't have much contact.
Other thoughts They were 13 and 15 when I came into their lives and I kind of wish they had been younger so that we could have formed a better bond. Living on separate continents hasn't helped either. A lot of times I sort of feel like the outsider when we're all together and I hope that changes now that we have DS and as we can spend more time together.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@MelisMc: And I thought 1500 miles was a long distance, I can't imagine being in different continents and trying to have a good relationship... I hope that you can get there!
I do love seeing DS with his big sister so I hope you get to see that as well if the younger daughter comes to live with you! (and big sisters are soooo helpful!)
nectarine / 2530 posts
Thanks for the tag!
Children: 1, 2 1/2 YO
Step children: 2, 14 (DSS) and 17 (DSD)
Step-children for how long: 7 years if you include when we started dating. I saw them pretty much right away (prob not a good idea on DH's part, but it worked out)
Lives with: Their mom and step dad. We're supposed to have them every other weekend but that's pretty much gone non existent now unless there are presents (birthday, Christmas) involved. Can't force them to spend time with us. It's rough on DH.
Relationship with step-children: Okay, they like me quite a bit. DSS has been having severe behavioral issues lately that I debated bringing up on the bee and then chose not to for confidentiality reasons. But suffice it to say the last few weeks have been emotionally draining.
Relationship with step-children's mom: Too much to get into in one post . But she's a saint to your face and a snake behind your back. She (and her entire family) have posted nasty things on Facebook about my DH (that her children read). She won't tell us about things she signs the kids up for unless money is due for it, and then when we can't come up with it spur of the moment she tells the kids that we don't want them to do things. Her husband won't say a single word to us. She has left me, DH, and our then infant daughter standing out on her porch in the middle of winter while waiting on picking up the kids that were supposed to be ready to go. The crisis with DSS could have possibly been avoided if she had listened to us years ago when we tried to address the issue and have him seek help. Honestly, at the time I think it was worth more to her to see DH suffer with his son than to admit there was a problem.
Other thoughts: step-parenting is *ROUGH*. I love those kids so much, I'm a "fixer", and there's nothing I can do to fix this situation. All the control is out of our hands. I remind DH that the kids are teens now and want to have their own lives, but does that really mean we never get to see them? How is that right? I feel bad for the kids most, as what their mom is doing is so damaging. All I can do is look to the future and try to figure out where this will lead us.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@StrawberryBee: Thats so tough that they don't want to visit.
I can commiserate about the evil mom (although so shitty that she posts stuff on facebook!) .. when we were actually living in the same state, although still 4 hours apart, and met for drop off/pick up, one day we waited for FOUR hours for her while she kept saying she was 'almost there'. It was 100 degrees in Florida, as we sat in the car the entire time. Had she bothered to mention she hadn't actually left yet we could've done something! Ugh.
Another time she was supposed to be meeting us half-way in TN, and called the night before to say she wasn't coming, so we ended up driving 48 hours in one weekend to pick up DSD.
Its not so bad anymore, but that may be because we really only have to deal with her twice a year.
pineapple / 12802 posts
@StrawberryBee: You know if you ever need to talk about ex-crazies or behavioural issues I am always here!!! I relate so much to all your worries. You're definitely not alone.
@josina: Unfortunately, she is not that reserved and she makes it very difficult for us to have a healthy relationship with the boys. Always telling them nasty stuff about us. Telling them that our son is not their brother and they aren't allowed to love him. Stuff like that.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@.twist.: OMG, that is sooo awful and not beneficial to the children at all. Sorry you and esp. the kids have to deal with her! How does your DH deal with it?
nectarine / 2530 posts
@josina: Yeah, I don't know if it gets harder or easier as they get older. Easier in some ways because they can facilitate the communication. Harder because you're relying on a teenager to be reliable We're an hour away from them; I can't imagine being as far away as some of you are!
Question for all the step-parents: what do you do about family vacations? I have always planned vacations to include every child, bio or step. Since their mom doesn't really help with scheduling and we're not allowed to take them out of school (but she is), we are very limited in when we can do things, but I've made it work.
This last trip we went on my DSS threatened to run away, and DSD afterwards accused us of using our money for vacations instead of paying for her things (this is a line fed to her by her mother. I planned this particular vacation for two years, saved up the money from my bonuses, bought theme park tickets over time to defray the lump sum cost, and the thanks I got was "how come when my mother asks you last minute for stuff you say you don't have money".) I told DH that I will no longer be planning family vacations as a group. He is welcome to (but he won't), but I can't stand the heart ache any more.
This leaves us with our daughter, who still deserves to go on trips. I feel terrible planning things for just the three of us because I HATE to exclude my step kids and I know it's going to be just another thing against us, but I just can't do this any more for the misery it causes.
nectarine / 2530 posts
@.twist.: thanks hon I almost did, but work has been so crazy the last few weeks I haven't had a chance to properly think it through. You may be getting a novel from me soon
pineapple / 12802 posts
@StrawberryBee: Anytime! To answer your question, I don't. We aren't allowed to take them anywhere because we are questioned about if I will be there (duh!?) or if it has anything to do with my family, or how can we afford that, etc. So, I don't. I don't feel guilty about it because if they ask why they didn't get to go I just tell them the truth "your mom said no". I know it isn't quite the same, but you could work something similar with your situation. Especially since they are teenagers, "I tried, but you're ungrateful". Or something? haha That sounds harsh, but I just don't have the energy to fight her with these types of things.
She makes a big deal about it. Tells the boys "see, they took your brother (she uses brother when convenient to her), but they didn't take you. They give him more than they give you". Which isn't true. The boys get literally anything they want from her, grandparents, and usually us. How do I compete with that?
@josina: With a lot of patience and tongue biting. We don't have the money to take her to court. The boys are getting older now and flip flop about whether or not they even like us. It is an uphill battle every step of the way.
nectarine / 2530 posts
@.twist.: How dare you go on your own vacation!
Yeah, I hate the questioning of my finances. No, I didn't realize DH would lose his job when I planned that vacation, but since it was already set and paid for, there was no changing it. That does not mean that I have scads of leftover money for you, so please don't assume.
This year we're going to DC (cheap trip, I have access to nice accommodations that we're splitting with a friend and her family), and I got season passes to a local very young children's theme park. I do want to plan a long range Disney trip (2-3 years out), and I want to be able to go in the off season when it's more comfortable and cheaper. I won't necessarily exclude them, but I'm not going to plan around their schedules any more. Especially since DSD will be in college then, and who knows what the future will hold.
It would be nice to have a vacation without all the drama.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@StrawberryBee: We haven't really taken any family vacations so I can't be much help on that (and since DSD lives with us less of an issue). But I guess I would continue to plan it so they 'can' make it (giving them the dates 2-3 years out would constitute that), but then leave it up to them. If they opt out than you can have your drama-free vacation, and also NOT be the bad guy.
Maybe next time DSD questions your finances you can actually give her the run down. Either she'll get so bored with it she'll never ask again , or she'll understand that you don't have the extra money she thinks you do. She's old enough now to understand it.
nectarine / 2530 posts
@josina: I actually planned to show her my spreadsheet (I'm in a financial job, so you'd better believe I excel the heck out of it ;)), but DH just talked with her about it instead. "Yes, I have a job now, but because I have a job E has to go to daycare, so that's half of my pay. Another 25% goes to you guys/CS." She was amazed at how much daycare costs. I would like her to have a better sense of income vs. cost, just for her own future so she knows how to manage her personal finances.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
@StrawberryBee: Glad she understands it better now, hopefully you won't get so much flack in the future, especially since some of the money you spent was for SD and SS anyways!
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