Hellobee Boards

I don't know if this would work with your son, but these are the things I have done with my 6 year old that have resulted in way less nagging, and way more independent completion of tasks.

Using music to cue when things need to happen. I have my sonos speaker set to start playing a "leaving the house" playlist 10 minutes before we need to leave. I call the first song the "clean up" song. The second song "putting on your shoes/jacket" song. And the third song "leaving the house" song. My kids are now trained to respond to these cues and I rarely have to nag (especially the 6 year old - the 3 year old needs more prompting). They want me to create a going to bed playlist, but I have been dragging my feet. I should, though, because there are a lot more pain points in that routine and I'm sure it would help.

Creating checklists of what needs to get done and then leaving her to do the items at her own pace. She has a checklist for her morning routine, which I laminated so she can use a dry erase marker to check them off as she completes them. But she does them at her own pace. I prompt her to check the time, so she knows how much time she has to complete the list, but I have pretty much stopped nagging her to do the items on the list. For the most part they get done.

I just created another checklist for one of her chores - setting the table. It wasn't getting done, and I am hoping the checklist will help. This is the item we are really working on right now.

I also think you may need to tackle one pain point at a time to work up to a full independent routine.

Tell me about the morning wakeup time on a typical day and your general expectations. Is the expectation that he wake up on his own via alarm, and then start completing all the tasks independently without parental help? Or are these expectations only for Fridays?

@irene: yeah, I can see how it can get to be too much.

Have you read Gretchen Rubin's work on the 4 tendencies? It might help you to think about which one your son is and target how you talk to him. Like, I'm a questioner, so if you want me to do something you have to give me some high quality evidence or I'm going to blow you off!

@irene: I think your expectations for what a 7-year-old can do are a bit too high. I think any one of these tasks may be appropriate, age-wise, but the combination of all of them feels excessive and is probably confusing to him.

for example, I think doing his own breakfasts on Fridays only is probably confusing because he has to remember several things (which day is it, is it a day I make my own breakfast) vs. one (I make my own breakfast on school days). if that's an important skill to you that he should be learning, I'd probably start on a less harried day like a weekend, and then once he's had practice, transfer into a more complicated situation like a school day. or, consider having him set out the bowl, spoon, and cereal box on Thursday nights as a reminder to himself that it's his responsibility the next morning.

I personally wouldn't trust a 7-year-old to put on their own sunscreen because I'd worry they would miss spots and get sunburned, so if it were me I'd remove that expectation.

for clothes, I think laying them out the night before is the way to go. It seems like if y'all have busy mornings, some of these chores/tasks in general could be moved to evenings instead.

overall, I think you can't expect a 7-year-old to intuit the strategies and processes for managing these things on their own. I think the purpose of chores is for kids to learn these strategies and responsibility -- the actual "chore" part is almost secondary if that makes sense. I don't think you need to micromanage, but maybe a conversation about "when I have to remember to do a lot of things in the morning, I find it helpful to set things out the night before" or whatever would help.

How would you feel about not reminding him, and letting him experience some natural consequences? He doesn't make his own breakfast, he waits until lunch. He doesn't wear his yellow shirt, he stands out from his class. He doesn't do his reading homework, he gets in trouble at school.

It sounds like he likes the responsibility to an extent but since he is still young he is just getting side tracked and forgets. I can understand the un-needed frustration that comes up when you remind him and he gets annoyed or upset. DD is like this she gets so upset when I remind her. But I still do. I try to do it in a more joking way. Like “man I already got my whole bag packed and you haven’t yet? Geez lol. I must be faster”. It is much more well recieved. DD started wanting to have an alarm for school wake ups when she was 5, she loved it and still does, we just use her iPad. It really helps cause when I wake her up she complains and tried to go back to sleep and I have to keep going back in. It doesn’t make for a happy mom or happy daughter :).

@irene: To be fair, kids many decades ago, who were expected to help out on farms and raise siblings, were not also expected to go sit in a structured school environment for 7/8 hours per day and participate in multiple structured extracurricular activities per week.

I think the chores (and the level of execution you're expecting for them) combined with school AND baseball AND piano is a LOT for a 7-year-old. It's one thing to have the suggested chore list, but another to nag and guilt if he doesn't follow it perfectly. For example, it sounds like this morning he did get his act together and make his own breakfast and clean up after himself, but he left his empty cup on the table. I'd view that as a success, really, I mean he did everything else and just forgot his cup. And it's no wonder he forgets small steps - he's got a lot to remember for early in the morning! How many of us hit snooze on our alarms once in a while and have to rush to get ready? How many of us, as adults, walk out the door and forget to do something small like turn off the coffee pot or put a dish into the dishwasher or put some important piece of paper into our bag? It's human and doesn't mean we aren't independent and responsible.

It sounds like you have good opportunities for positive reinforcement when he completes tasks almost entirely but not quite to your high expectations. Maybe he'd react better to something like, "Hey you did a great job with your breakfast this morning, I'm so proud you're really getting the hang of it. Next we can practice getting all of our dishes off the table!" Rather than nagging him and telling him he did something wrong, which will just make him resentful. Maybe you could also scale back a little bit on his responsibilities so he feels less pressure and like he has more time. And definitely don't compare him to other people's kids.

Personally I don't believe we should be expecting our kids to behave like miniature adults. Age appropriate chores and behavior? Absolutely. And we can model the behavior we'd like to see. But giving a kid more than he can reasonably handle seems like setting him up for failure and setting yourself up for frustration.

@irene: I think you need to stop making this about you and your disappointments and focus on your son’s development. Sure you want to raise a responsible person but if he is 80% of the way there as a 7yo then he is doing pretty well. I find with my 5yo that if I push an agenda that he is not ready for, everything turns into a battle. I have to think about his perspective and priorities and frame things carefully.

For instance he was getting really difficult about turning off the iPad so we took it away for two weeks. Last night he got it back for the first time, and we reminded him why he lost it. When it came time to turn it off, he complied immediately!

I am a 42yo working mom of three, and I still have a hard time remembering special shirt days at school. The consequence of forgetting is really minor so who cares if he doesn’t do it?

@irene: it sounds like he is manipulating you with all the whys. I would stop belaboring the reason and just give him a consequence for not complying. Obviously the explanations are not accomplishing anything, and anyway you are his mom. You do not owe him an explanation for why he needs to take a shower. By explaining you are probably just leaving the door open for a debate.

My oldest is 3.5, so I won't pretend to know anything about 7yos. But I tend to agree w/ @kemma.

My son is extremely strong willed and challenging and it is HARD some days. 2 things make a huge difference for him:
(1) ATTENTION and hands-on affection, and
(2) adequate sleep/not being overscheduled or overstressed.

I don't see any of these changing when he's school aged, really. If my son isn't getting positive attention, he will seek it negatively by screaming, crying, refusing to listen, I wonder if your son might respond better if instead of immediately starting with the reminders and tasks, just spend some time connecting with him? Like can you read a book or two together? How about fix breakfast and sit and eat together and talk about your days? Start the day with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you, how did you sleep?" I feel like I read somewhere that kids need a minimum of like 10-15 affectionate touches a day from their parents to feel "connected".

Also it sounds like your son has a ton on his plate and is pretty overscheduled, IMO. It may be the "norm" for kids to have school, a sport, and a musical instrument but IMO it's way too much for a 7yo. I would try really hard to prioritize some unscheduled "down time"/playtime with mom and dad where you can connect and also let him blow off some steam. Neighborhood walk, throwing a frisbee, going to collect rocks, building trains, whatever. Even like going to the store together and having a chance to talk and spend time together.

Again, I don't have a school age child, so maybe I am off base!

@erinbaderin: I think this is spot on because it actually doesn’t matter if it’s age appropriate or not if what you’re doing isn’t working you have to change it. So @irene: I would try something radically different, whatever that is or means for you. Baby him so he wants some independence, don’t explain things, take him out for a date alone to connect, skip baseball and piano idk just change things up for a minute and see what it brings to the surface so you guys can figure things out. Radical candor and fearless feedback

There's a lot of comments here so forgive me if I missed it, but your comment about work before play struck me - I would definitely let him have 1-2 hours of downtime after school before trying to push chores, hw, etc. Google "after school restraint collapse " - it's so real. Even as an adult I need decompression (play) time after work.

@irene: you and I have very different parenting styles and beliefs about parenting/kids, so I don’t have advice but I wanted you to know that I have so much respect for your willingness to explore the way that you do things and how you are always trying to find new and improved ways to parent your son. It’s really admirable. And you inspired me to become more consistent about getting my 6 year old to do some chores around the house- we are super laid back and haven’t really pushed it, but your son is capable of doing so much at age 7 and I realized that not expecting some help from my 6 year old sends her the message that I don’t think she can do it.
Anyway- I just wanted to say you are doing a really good job, and it’s hard to be a mom.

I agree with you that work should come before play (ideally), but this might not work for every child. Maybe they will get into this habit when they are older, but it may not be realistic to expect that now. I can say this because my DD1 is perfectly happy coming home and doing her homework, but DD2 needs the downtime, especially now that it's heading towards the end of the school year. She is definitely burnt out! I always ask if she will do her homework upon getting home, especially since her older sister is doing it anyway, but she doesn't usually comply and I have to respect that.

Perhaps it has been easier to get "your way" since you only have 1 child and you haven't had to parent another one with a completely different personality and needs. However, your son is obviously growing up and starting to assert his independence. So I can only suggest that you adapt to this change and not fight it, which I think you are trying to do since you are posting here.

I may have lost this somewhere up there, but have you basically tried the cry it out approach? So basically seeing if you let him get upset for a few days in a row but you don't change the rules, will he continue to throw this huge tantrum every single day, or will he eventually cave in?

I don't make my DD do homework when she comes home. She's been at school all day, and needs to have a snack and go play. She doesn't get to watch a show when she comes home--that's just asking for trouble (and they never get iPads anymore because the behavior issues were outrageous). She doesn't get homework often (she's in K) and it only takes her a few minutes, so she usually does it on the school bus. If she doesn't do it on the bus, she usually chooses to do it when she has her snack and whoever is with her will sit down with her or at least be in the same room and chat about her day as she goes through it. So she's getting a snack and some quality time while doing something she has to do. If the homework doesn't get done in the evening, she does it in the morning. If she doesn't get the homework done at all I don't really care because she's in K, but she DOES care (same kind of thing goes for wear a yellow shirt day type things).

What time does he get home? If you're getting home at 3:30-4pm, you could let him take 30 minutes-an hour to relax or play before homework and then baseball. And what's your morning routine start to finish? My DD usually gets up about 6:30, gets dressed, comes down and watches a show while eating, goes up and does her checklist (teeth, hair, face, socks, make the bed), and we still have time to spare even on days we have to leave at 7:45 and I also have to get her sister ready. I'll let them watch an extra show many days because I have a 3 year old and I need to get myself ready for work, but I fully reserve the right to turn the TV off when I say it's time (I give a warning), and they can cry all they want. But honestly they usually play or read for a good while in the morning--way longer than the 15 minutes it would take him to do homework or practice piano. Are there any consequences for his attitude though? Like has he lost the privileged of going to a practice or a play date for being nasty to you?

Also (so long sorry!) physically helping or being with my DD if she's not getting something done makes a huge difference. If I say it's time to get your shoes on and she's grumbling or crying, I know it's probably because she's sad it's time to leave so I'll take the 30 seconds to squat down to her level and help her.