Christmas Decisions: What would you do?

By owlteach Dec 3, 2014

I was hoping for some advice, because I simply don't know what to do I'm warning you, its a novel....

I grew up in a very close family, I've always cherished holidays with them. We lost my dad about two years ago. This will be our third Christmas without him. Christmas was his favorite holiday. He always made sure it was special for us. Him and I would always shop for a child off of the giving tree, and he'd take me with him to buy my mom's presents.

The first year was just horrible. The second Christmas, we were in the thick of IF, but none of my family knew about it then. It was still hard without him, and I just felt so alone.

This year, we are pregnant, and it could be a better holiday for us. However, my mom has a new boyfriend. She is so in love and happy, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but his presence breaks my heart. I tried explaining this to her, and have simply been keeping my distance from her and him, because as much as I try I just can't bring myself to accept him. I don't want him, I want my dad. I realize how horrible and childish this is, and I'm doing what I can to prevent my mom from dealing with the burden of my heartbreak.

Over Thanksgiving, my mom left me a voicemail telling me that it really hurt her feelings that I don't acknowledge him appropriately when he arrives or leaves. Just to clarify, I'm not a hugger. I hug her and my grandma, and I used to hug my dad. That's really it. I don't really hug my in-laws or my brothers, its just not my thing. I say hello and good bye to him, but apparently they expect me to hug him. I got the VM on Thanksgiving morning, on the way to their house. I had to drop DH and the dogs off there, and drive for awhile because I just couldn't stop crying. I felt like that was her way of telling me that my best attempts just weren't enough and that his feelings were more important and valid than mine.

Our Thanksgiving was so different this year. A lot of the things that we've always done were replaced with her new boyfriends traditions. I also realized that our home has been cleansed of my dad. Any family pictures, pictures from my wedding, etc. with my dad have been taken down. I left to shop right after dinner, because I just couldn't stand to be there.

I'm terrified that Christmas will be more of the same, but worse, because it has always been such a big deal in our family. We're thinking about going away for Christmas, just somewhere local, but not home. We really shouldn't spend the money, there is a baby on the way, and I really want to get CC's paid off! I've never been away from family on a major holiday, so I have to admit that I am worried that I will just miss family. The thought of another holiday, choking back the tears, with my mom and her boyfriend just about breaks me though. I want to look forward to, not dread, Christmas.,

I just don't know what to do. What would you do?

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poll: What would you do?
Stay home and try to grin and bear it. : (18 votes)

31 %

Escape and plan some fun things to look forward to. : (30 votes)

52 %

I have another idea! : (10 votes)

17 %

58 votes

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27 comments

wonderstruck
pomegranate / 3791 posts

Dec 3, 2014

I'm really sorry about your dad - I feel for both you and your mom here. I dread the day I will lose my dad and don't know how I'll go on...but even more, I can't imagine losing my DH, and then years later when I get to the point where I find love again, feeling terrible about my kid's reactions. Both of your sides are pretty tough.

It sounds like the big thing that is hard is just being at your parent's house without your dad and with traditions changing. Would it be possible for you to have people over to your home for Christmas instead of going to your mom's house? It might be easier to deal with the changes and different traditions in a new place - although you'll be having more new traditions soon because you have a LO on the way, and next year I'm sure you'll want to start your own traditions with your child.
lady grey
pear / 1696 posts

Dec 3, 2014

@owlteach: Ugh, this sounds so hard! Your mom is moving on and you are still healing. You can't really change her behavior or how she decorates her house, but you can set limits to protect yourself. Like make it clear you can only come over on Christmas day for set number of hours, or something like that. Maybe make up a new tradition that you and DH do alone even if it isn't something out of town.
owlteach
apricot / 390 posts

Dec 3, 2014

@wonderstruck: Thank you. Objectively, I totally understand her point of view. My dad was such a self-less man. I have no doubt that her happiness is what he'd want. We've always been close, and I know that she senses things are different between us. But, at the end of the day she chose to do what was best for her, and I need to learn to do the same! I just don't now what that is. We've talked about having Christmas morning here at our place this year, that would make next year so much easier with a baby

@Seattlemom: You're probably right....maybe we could do the morning here, and go there for dinner for a couple of hours that evening. I just suck at being confrontational about any of it, so directly saying I can't spend the whole day there, would be hard for me. I just need to grow up a little bit
lady grey
pear / 1696 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@owlteach: yeah being confrontational is really hard, expecially if its not your or your family's style. But thats what email and texting are for! haha
loveisstrange
pineapple / 12526 posts

Dec 4, 2014

I'd probably sit down and have a heart to heart with my mom. That's honestly exactly what I would do.
owlteach
apricot / 390 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@Seattlemom: hahaha

@loveisstrange: I tried that earlier this year, telling her how happy I was for her, but that I just couldn't be around them. How I wished that I felt differently, but it was just too much and how her comparing the new guy to my dad all the time was very uncomfortable for me. Since then, she has just laid more pressure on me to spend time with him, so that I can get to know him.

My mom was such a good mom when I was growing up. She lived for us kids! I think, she is just living for herself right now, and either can't or doesn't want to think about us. I'm trying really hard to accept and forgive that. "Forgiveness and Peace" was the mantra that got me through Thanksgiving.
youboots
honeydew / 7622 posts

Dec 4, 2014

I'm sorry for your loss, I wish I had grown up with a man like that as my father, while I certainly don't relate your growing up and traditions sound idyllic, and I sympathise with your plight.

It sounds like you tried to have a heart to heart with your Mom, but you need another. I know you may not have the time, but y'all may even need a little counseling. You at least need to cover that hugging makes you uncomfortable, you would love to see a family photo from your wedding in her home, you would like to bring back a couple tradations, whatever it is bring 2-3 points to discuss about Christmas specifically. If you are comfortable tell about the driving and the tears and feeling uncomfortable in a place you once felt at home. You are going through a big life change and your hormones made you a different person, she needs to respect that and support you, IMO. If you think it will not be good for you to go ultimately, don't go.
owlteach
apricot / 390 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@youboots: thanks for the thoughtful advice. It wasn't idyllic, every family has their crap that they experience and we were no different. However, we stuck together and got through it as a family. As cheesy as it sounds, we had each other, and that was what mattered.
Mrs. Lemon-Lime
wonderful pea / 17279 posts

Dec 4, 2014

This is tough. You are still actively grieving and missing your dad while your mom is rebuilding her life with a new love. Things are not the same with your family and that's hurtful to you. She's hurt too.

I would try to meet my mom where she is in this stage of her life as uncomfortable as it is for me. Accept that her home is no longer the home you remember filled with your dad. Put those pictures up at your house instead. If you don't want to hug her boyfriend don't. Period. He can't replace your dad, but he is making your mom happy. If anything try to be grateful for that.

I'd try to come to peace with how things are now before talking with my mom. In that conversation, I'd likely have a game plan for what Christmas & holidays will be like moving forward. Perhaps this will be a catalyst for more time spent with your own immediate family. Or maybe you will set expectations for physical contact & the type of relationship you will have with the BF.

Your goal is not to ruin her holidays, but you also want your holidays to be enjoyable too.
youboots
honeydew / 7622 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@owlteach. I just realized I made my post too much about me and I'm sorry. I'm pregnant also and I can totally sympathize. We are going through some major family changes and considered going out of town this Christmas and decided not to. But my MIL's birthday is also Christmas so it was not something I ultimately felt good about.
ChitownRo
clementine / 948 posts

Dec 4, 2014

I'm sorry for your loss. But, to address your question- I would go for at least a portion of the day. How are your brothers w the new guy? Can you commiserate with them?

Not the same situation, but both my parents and ILs separated recently. And my mom is sick. Holidays just aren't the same... I think it is part of growing older. But DH and I were just complaining, when did we become the stereotype about stressful family holidays?

Im hoping that having our own little nuclear family and creating new traditions will help that stress. So your next holiday season with a LO may be much better!
owlteach
apricot / 390 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@ChitownRo: One brother lives out of town..and him and the new guy are basically the same person. They can drink beer and be the life of the party together, so I think they have some common ground. He can hide his true feelings and say the right things...I suck at that! The other lives in an apartment on my parents property. I think he has reservations about the new guy, and misses my dad too. But is dependent on my mom for so much, that I don't think he feels like he has much right to complain.

@youboots: @ChitownRo: It's days like today where i want to be five, in my fort, coloring
owlteach
apricot / 390 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I think we're on the same page about a lot of it. He is a good person, just not my cup of tea. I want this LO to have a grandpa, and I think he will be a great one, but that doesn't have to make him my dad. He makes my mom happy and I am thankful for that. I'm trying to figure out how to ask for the collage frame from my wedding back without making her feel guilty about hiding it. I guess I wish she would have thought to just ask if I wanted it. It has a picture of them together on it, holding hands and kissing, so I get why she didn't want to keep it.
Grace
cantaloupe / 6730 posts

Dec 4, 2014

I think you need to talk to her. And try to come up with a plan. It won't be enough to explain to her how you feel. I think the two of you need to come to a compromise, like "I won't hug your BF, but I will make sure I ask about xyz". And hopefully, she can make some compromises too. Maybe rather than a wedding photo of the two of them, there could be a nice family photo. Things like that.
rachiecakes
coconut / 8279 posts

Dec 4, 2014

I understand. Growing up down the street from my grandparents, I saw them every day. My Gram drove me to school, lessons, etc. My Gramps had breakfast with us.
Christmas was huge for my Gram, her house was forest green & cranberry year-round. We sang together, had huge meals together, did crafts.
When she passed my grandfather soon after had a girlfriend. And I was crushed. It was very hard for me to accept and I kind of kept my distance for a while.
As the years went on I grew to appreciate her. She was there for him, kept him laughing.
She passed away a few years ago.
Last year my Gramps passed away at 91 years old. At the end of his service his girlfriends granddaughter stood up to say a few words. She expressed how grateful she was for my grandfather because he had been there for her after her grandfather passed and made her happy again. They took care of each other.
I still miss my grandmother so much this time of year. I don't think that will ever change. I wish she could see my J. But I try to make new traditions and love the family I have with me.
I would talk to your mom and just tell her that you need some time to heal.
Shutterbug
grapefruit / 4703 posts

Dec 4, 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a parent, but I can only imagine how much harder it must be during the holidays Have you ever considered talking to someone (like a therapist) about your feelings? I agree that it's probably hard to relay how you're feeling to your mom because she's in a different place, emotionally, at this point. Maybe it would help for you to talk it all out with someone neutral who could help you work through your grief and maybe also give you some tips on how to deal with the situation with your mom's boyfriend. I hope that it gets easier with time, and I'm sorry I don't have better advice
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@owlteach: I'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my dad about 6 years ago and those first holidays after that were really hard. I can't imagine how much harder they would have been had my mom tried to change things.

I agree with the others about trying to start your own new traditions. Do the things at your house that you loved doing with your dad so much. And see if you can have your family there.

I also agree with the advice for counseling. I went for quite awhile when my dad was dying and after he died. It helped me realize which things were things that *I* needed to deal with, and which ones were things I really needed to approach with my family.
prettylizy
GOLD / papaya / 10206 posts

Dec 4, 2014

My suggestion is to see a greif councillor asap!! Your feelings of missing your dad are totally valid, but it seems to me that you never really greived his loss. I can't begin to understand the immense pain of losing a parent my heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for your mom too though. She has found happiness and I'm guessing she really wants to share it with you but you're not there yet. It's only going to get harder when your LO comes around and she wants to he there but her presence hurts your heart. Talking with a pro can hopefully give you the tools to cope with your pain andaybe heal a little
cait
apricot / 268 posts

Dec 4, 2014

First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult navigating this time in your life must be, especially with a little one on the way.

I do think it's important to remember that everybody grieves in their own way. It must be hard for your mom to figure out how to honor both her late husband and her new relationship. I imagine attempting to find happiness with another person while having reminders of what you've lost all around your home would be very painful, so I understand her decisions, although of course it must hurt you.

I agree with the suggestion to have part of the day at your home. You can choose which traditions you loved most and keep them alive in your home with your LO. I really think that time and sympathy is what this situation needs.
Greentea
pomelo / 5678 posts

Dec 4, 2014

I am sorry for your loss. I don't know your answer. It is complicated. Life is too short to put off time with family and friends but at the same time you have to look out for you. But which choice IS looking out for you? A counselor might be able to help you with the grief and sorting through it and adjusting.

Holidays are really hard for grief. Holidays are just SO hard. I lost dad two months ago and thanksgiving was a nightmare. I tried to avoid it and still felt terrible so for Christmas I might see his family again (we spent every thanksgiving and Christmas with him and his siblings)... I was reading that stress can be a good thing and releases oxytocin that makes you crave contact with loved ones. Anyhow, I am going to try to remember my stress is preparing me to face my family and trust myself to have the courage and to be able to handle the stress when I arrive. Or I might just skip it altogether. But grief is not a straight line. If it has been years I would probably see a counselor.

You have every right to feel how you feel, it is valid, but your mom has a right to grieve and live on in her way as well. Have you talked about it? Can you find a compromise?
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Dec 4, 2014

And just to help you feel somewhat normal (or at least not alone)...I think the third Christmas after my dad died was the WORST for me.

I'd done my grieving and all that. But it was also our first Christmas as a married couple and I do NOT deal well with change! lol.

DH agree to go to midnight Mass with me (like I always did with my parents) and to go to my mom's day after Christmas celebration, but it was SO HARD to not see my family Christmas day.

And then it snowed. And mom's celebration was postponed by a day. Just a day.

And I lost it and started bawling like a baby. Looking back, I can laugh at that reaction...but in that moment I felt like nothing would ever be the same again!

But now that I'm used to our new traditions, I don't get as emotional over it. Change is just freaking hard!
My Only Sunshine
persimmon / 1129 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@owlteach: I'm so sorry you lost your dad.

We do a big Christmas morning brunch at our house and love it. You don't even have to make it about "I don't want to be at your house because it makes me sad." It can just be "Hey, we have little kids and want to be home with them in their PJs enjoying Christmas morning. Please join us!"

Can you start a new Christmas tradition to honor your dad? It sounds like it was a holiday that meant a lot to the two of you. Maybe you and your kids can pick out gifts for a child from the giving tree and then visit the cemetery? My mom lost her mom before I was born. To help keep her memory alive, we display some of my grandma's Christmas decorations and we always make her secret recipe Christmas cookies.
owlteach
apricot / 390 posts

Dec 4, 2014

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. Many of you are right when you say I'm still grieving. I bottled a lot up right after because I started a new job, and I was so focused on getting everyone else through: my mom, my brother and DH who did CPR on my dad for 15 minutes before the ambulance got there. I think that is what makes it so hard with her now. When things got really hard for DH and I last year, she was oblivious because she had found new love. Then, these past few months as I've been puking my guts out and miserably sick, all she's done is pester us about coming to parties with her and her bf, not offer any kind of real support.

Last night, I went ahead and texted her (I know, I know...but I knew I'd never be able to get it all out like I wanted to in person...and she's been bugging me about christmas plans all week).

Anyways, I let her know that I love her, and I'm glad that she has found such joy. I told her that I was sorry because I knew that what I was going to say would hurt her, and that was never my intention. I just said that we would need to leave for the holidays because we just aren't in the same place, and we both deserve to enjoy Christmas.

I also asked her to please respect the space that I need, to please not stop trying to include us in things, but don't keep pestering us to commit to things either. I will never skip someone's birthday, etc. because her bf will be there. But, that doesn't mean I need to go to every social engagement that they plan either. I let her know that I am trying to be comfortable with things, for her sake and that the vm that she left over christmas was very hurtful. I left out anything about pictures, etc. because I do believe that is something that I just need to figure out how to deal with on my own.

We will head to the coast on Christmas Eve, spend two nights there, just the two of us, and then meet DH's family about an hour away, as we had planned on doing anyways for the weekend to celebrate with his extended family, before returning home. DH and I will use this time to really figure out what we want Christmas to be like going forward for our family. It's not a perfect solution, and a decision I wish that I never had to make. But it was time that I made a choice for myself and DH.
youboots
honeydew / 7622 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@owlteach sounds like you came up with a short term resolution that is going to work for you this year.

Since I got my positive pregnancy test I've been seeing a therapist 1x a week (almost 20 times) if you can swing it or are interested at all, I would highly encourage you to talk to a professional. I opted to see a councelor to be proactive in finding a plan for some difficult family dynamics I will be dealing with when baby comes. It has also helped me resolve a lot of the fear I have. No pressure, but I see several people have mentioned it and I just wanted to offer some additional encouragement. Even though my life is not perfect and lacks a lot of certainty in how things will be when baby comes, I feel like I have the tools I need to live my best life and I have truly never been happier.

Big hugs!
cait
apricot / 268 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@owlteach: You should be proud of your decision. It seems like you've spent a lot of time taking care of others and now you need to take care of yourself, especially in this time before the baby arrives.

I hope this is a healing break for you, and you and DH spend lots of time dreaming about the the new magic of the holidays when you're a family of 3.
Greentea
pomelo / 5678 posts

Dec 4, 2014

@owlteach: I also started a Christmas tradition of our own. We went to a Christmas tree farm with LO and got a handmade wreath and decorated my dad's grave. LO had SO much fun at the farm and I know dad would approve of family time spent outdoors supporting local farmers and would love the tradition of bringing him a wreath. Maybe you can start a similar tradition (okay, I cried a lot and it was really hard for me, but I plan to do it every year with my kids. Dad will never be forgotten. Hugs.)
blackbird
wonderful grape / 20453 posts

Dec 4, 2014

Please see a grief counselor-it is so so helpful. You and your mom are in different stages and it will help you understand so much. I'm so sorry for your loss

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