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I think it sounds like SIL is a PITA. So no real suggestion, I suppose. I have a child and I would not expect anyone to forgo an event they are interested in because my son can't attend. It's also at night.. the kids should be asleep - Santa can't come if they stay up to late... duh!

In terms of the dogs, can they last that long at the hotel? Do they tend to be bark-y (not a word, I realize)? I would just worry about complaints if they are - hotels can be noisy and not well insulated. Is it an option to change the dinner back to closer? I would personally explain that you can't find dog care over the holidays and so you plan to bring them, but because of the locale change you are going to have to politely bow out of Christmas dinner.

@alohaorchid: Just read your other post... it sounds like she has unrealistic expectations of normal family interactions. I apologize for my bluntness.

I think you are completely right about the dogs. We have two dogs and I would feel uncomfortable with that. I have definitely told people that when I made the decision to get our dogs that we were prepared for the responsibility - sometimes that responsibility means missing things in order to be a good dog mommy / owner. Just tell the kids that the werewolves get crazy and eat little kids if they don't get let out.

It might be best if you get your husband to address this issue with your SIL head-on. I think it will be an ongoing problem and will just get worse. Your holiday is still your holiday and she needs to accept that. I am annoyed with her (if you can't tell) on your behalf. I just hate family members like that!

By the way, I think you're being pretty damn respectful with your dogs. My in-laws have dogs and I'm allergic to them and Xander is scared of them, and they've brought them to my house before without even warning me ahead of time! And when we do family get-togethers, ALL the dogs are there, scaring the crap out of Xander and causing my allergies to go crazy. The fact that you're staying at a pet friendly hotel so that your dogs have somewhere out of their space to be AND you're willing to leave them there while you visit with them... I think that by itself is amazing of you!

How often do you see your inlaws? We see my inlaws maybe once a year, and maybe every 2nd or 3rd Christmas. So, I let my DH and his family dictate what we will do. I figure that in comparison to how much I see my family, we never see them, and if they want us to be there 24/7, I figure it's the least I can do. So, if there push-back on the wine-tasting, I'd let it go.

As for the dogs...that's tough. You had a great arrangement in the beginning and I can see how annoying it is to get it thrown out. I think if DH is ok with it, I'd probably go with the plan of leaving when they all go for dinner. Or maybe plan to have a cosy family Christmas dinner in the hotel with your DH and the dogs. It could be your break from all the togetherness. And then you are still around to spend time with the family after Christmas. Only other thing I can think is checking with the host of the big dinner and seeing if they have any suggestions.

@alohaorchid: your SIL is ridiculous. No one needs to spend every waking minute with the entire family, that's unrealistic and sounds exhausting- not even considering the dogs.

And I think you are being very considerate with staying at the hotel with the dogs and are totally fine bowing out of the big dinner. Or, go over in the morning, go back to the hotel for a few hours, then go to the giant dinner.

And definitely do the wine tasting! It sounds like you're going to need a few drinks to get through the holidays.

I have a migraine from rolling my eyes too hard. Christmas isn't all about your SIL. Your pets are your family, too.

I dunno, some kids in the family are scared of my cats and you know what my response is? "eh, keep your kid away from my cats then". Exposure to them can only lessen fear.

Your SIL seems pretty unreasonable. I would have a talk with her or have your husband talk to her. It actually seems like this is a big communication problem. It almost feels like you guys are just different people that need to take some time to understand each other and maybe then you guys can reach a good compromise that works for both of you.

I would absolutely not leave the dogs at the hotel the entire time. If they make any noise the hotel will expect you be back immediately we just ran into this with a family gathering.

I'd compromise do 1/2 of what you want and 1/2 of what SIL wants

@alohaorchid: This is tough. Can you use your in-laws than as a go-between? I think if you don't talk to her... the situations are only going to get worst. She's definitely a guiltier and will make you feel guilty till she gets what she wants and it's sad that she seems to shamelessly use her kids emotions to get what she wants.

I find that most people are very understanding that if you just sit down and talk to them and say your side and what you understand of their side (this shows you have considered them and tried to understand them) and ask for a compromise because you want them to be happy but you need to be happy too.

Good luck... dealing with family is tough.

@alohaorchid: for the love of god. My brother & SIL come in town (they live out of state) and I jump for joy if we get to see them for an hour. There's this thing called "the world doesn't revolve around you" and it turns out I'm not the center of the universe. It must be because your SIL is.

She's being ridiculous.

No one is going to spontaneously combust if you go to a wine tasting for a few hours. Wait, maybe you can cross your fingers and hope that actually happens.

It's unrealistic for her to think that your entire trip needs to revolve around seeing her children.how old are they? Do they not nap? I'm kind of baffled by this togetherness crap. I'm the kind of person who needs space.

How cold is it where you are? Can the dogs go with to the dinner, but stay outside?

@alohaorchid: with that logic, you guys must be vampires. I've seen twilight. I know how this works.

Guess you can't go. Vampires are more dangerous than warewolves.

PROBLEM SOLVED.