Hellobee Boards

I think love has different faces. I guess I can't see how love is missing from what you've outlined here? There's friendship love, respect love, sexual love and you even say "affection". I would consider all that still a relationship worth being in, personally.

So, in your scenario, you're not in love with your partner, but you still like to sleep with them?

I guess I don't understand what's so bad about this arrangement.

If there was mutual respect and consideration and genuine affection and friendship and regular good sex…. that sort of sounds like love to me?

I feel like love changes over time. I don't think the passionate "I'll die if I don't see you tomorrow" type love generally lasts forever, nor should it (god how exhausting… lol).

I guess love is hard to quantify and if I felt I really wasn't in love anymore then it would be a hard decision because I do think marriage is forever and if you have all of the above you're doing pretty well. But also I'd rather be happily divorced than unhappily married. I think maybe you just need to make room in your life for a different kind of love, a more comfortable slow-burning love. Best friends with benefits sounds like a sort of nice kind of love for a couple that has been married a long time. But maybe I don't fully understand your question.

I think that I could, although I don't know if I'd want to? However, what you've described sounds like a loving relationship. When I picture a in-loveless marriage I imagine myself not wanting to have sex with/show affection to the other person. Desiring, feeling affection for, and being best friends with someone sounds like being in love to me.

I agree with @pui. If you're still having sex, I would assume there's at least some passion/attraction there, and this situation sounds like there is a form of love in it.

@lovehoneybee: I think that kind of "crazy about you love" is the quickest love to fade. Honestly I don't expect it to last as long as the mutual respect, admiration and the trust in our relationship. I don't think that means love isn't there, it's just a more mature kind of love.

I ascribe to the idea that love is an action word and if you show love, then you will feel love. I think the kind of marriage that you describe is the type that could become a loving marriage again because there is that mutual respect, friendship, affection, and even the physical attraction (would have to be there to have good sex). I think with work you could stay in this kind of marriage, be happy, and get back to loving your partner again.

@lovehoneybee: I understand where you are going with this. I think love changes over time. I'm in love with husband more now than ever, time has grows that, but it's definetely a different kind of love. I love him for the man he's grown to be, the father he's become, and the never ending support he gives me.

It's not a stay up all night because we can't get enough of each other kind of love anymore? I don't think that means the love is gone, I think it means we have to bring passion in other ways, I think it's two different things. I guess maybe the "lust" is gone but the love is there. (and now I'm rambling)

I think what you described still sounds like there would be love there for me, so of course I would stay.
But if I felt like my husband and I didn't love each other anymore (not sure what events would lead to that) and were still "best friends" but not romantic, I think we would divorce - but it would be a pretty "successful" and amicable divorce. If it was one-sided fall out of love type thing, the divorce would probably not be as smooth.

@lovehoneybee: Maybe it's just me or maybe I'm jaded but I think that the love you are describing "passionate, in-love, crazy about the person" isn't sustainable. I feel like relationships go through phases. And that doesn't mean it's a bad thing.

For me, "in-love" means romantic love. After 8+ years of marriage, I can honestly say there have definitely been times when I did not feel like I was in-love with my husband anymore. It's become a regular, normal thing and whenever I start to feel that way, we go on a date night or something drastic, and once we even planned a weekend away. I used to think it was sad, but now I know it's just a reality that for me, I get way too caught up in our daily lives and I lose focus of keeping my romantic feelings alive for my husband. So then I need something to kick-start my heart (hehe) and it always, always works. It sometimes scares me, but after a good date night of reconnecting and focusing on each other, usually reminiscing about the past and talking about the new things we love about each other, I always go right back to feeling just as in-love with my husband as when we were dating.

That being said, I always feel love in our relationship even when I'm not feeling like I'm in-love with him.

I've asked him and he never has a problem with not feeling like he's in-love with me. He's much more emotional, sensitive, idealistic and romantic than me so I don't doubt it. He's also a lot less detail-oriented so he doesn't get as distracted as I do when life gets in the way.

I think love comes in different forms. I feel like in order to marry someone, you had to love them right? Well that feeling doesn't go away- perhaps the intensity changes over time- but you still have that overall feeling. There are ups and downs of marriage- and I think that getting through them can make the love bond stronger...

@mrs. bird: I think in this time in my life love would be very important to sex. My younger days maybe not so much, but I was never a one night stand kind of girl, it was usually a FWB who I had feelings for at one time.

I agree with pp that what you describe sounds like a loving marriage so I'm confused what is loveless about it. That sounds like a great marriage to be in...

I guess I'll go against the grain of most pp. you can definitely have a relationship with mutual respect, civility and friendship WITHOUT love.

Some people can also have great sex without love (maybe some can't).

Would I stay if I knew my husband didn't love me? For a time - if we were both working towards getting back to love. But imagining spending 10 years, 20 years with someone who doesn't really love me makes me sad - for me and for him. Respect, admiration, civility, etc. should be in any relationship, but I also deserve someone who really loves me, on top of those things.

I would also worry that fidelity without love would be really hard. It might not be hard not to have a "random screw", but I would worry more about him (or me) trying to find that emotional connection that was missing in our marriage.