Hellobee Boards

I'd be upset too and would need some trust to be built back.

Did he explain why he chose yesterday, a random Thursday, to play hooky?

@belleoftheballe: Boo...I'm really sorry! I guess the good part about this time is that he was alone, but the whole keeping it from you is just not cool. When you do cool off enough to talk to him about it, just explain that you aren't some kind of monster who is going to fly off the handle if he tells you that he needs a mental health day. Everyone needs one every once in a while. But he can't be sneaking around like he was. Like you said...what if, God forbid, something happened to him while he was at the beach. Or...what if something happened to you/LO while he was there and you couldn't get in touch with him??

I totally get this! Something similar happened between my DH and I a couple weeks ago! He went out after work for a couple drinks, but wasn't going I tell me he went out- was going to make me think he was at work the whole time. I was pissed, I felt like it was a lie by omission! I think I was more upset because I don't get the opportunity to have those time outs!! I am over it now, but I was pretty mad at the time!

Oh, I would be mad but as someone who does not have children yet, I don't think I can understand how stressful it is to have a kid. I'm not condoning his actions at all, though.

But for him to not give you the chance to do the same thing really upsets me.

The right thing to do was to tell you about it beforehand (or confess afterwards) and also give you the ability to take the day off, too. You both need breaks from parenthood.

I'm so sorry.

@belleoftheballe: Do you think your DH might be depressed? I think you are TOTALLY justified in being upset, but this seems like such a random thing to do on just a typical Thursday, it strikes me as odd, and not just like being shady odd. For him to want/ need to go do all those things by himself on a whim makes me wonder if he is struggling with life and just needed to get away? While that does not in any way justify not telling you, it would explain a little bit more of his frame of mind.

I really think you guys need to have a talk, once you have had time to sort things out in your head. Why did he feel the need to do this, why truly did he not tell you when he did it, why did he not tell you after, why does he not think you could use the same type of day away from your "office"? I would also make it clear to him that while you two have worked through the issues of the past this just brings up those past hurts and lies. I would try and be understanding and gentle, because I really do think it seems like maybe he is have some struggles right now, I might even ask if he is depressed.

I'm so sorry your dealing with this! Its really hard having to deal with both this new issue, and having the past brought back into your mind, its like you have to deal with both things at once, and then you have to forgive the past all over again, while still trying to forgive the present. I hope you guys can have an honest talk about what is really going on. Big big big hugs!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I don't think it is a monumentally huge deal. DH does this sometimes. Part of us being in a trusting relationship is that he doesn't have to tell me every single thing he does. It took a while for me to get here, but we're here now and things are just fine.

If he wants to take a day off from work, he's a grown man and can do what he wants. If he doesn't want to tell me about it, that's okay. He didn't do anything bad that day, just enjoyed himself and did some fun things. If it bothers you that he got to take a day off and do fun things and you don't, then come up with a day that you can do the same. He can take a scheduled day off work, hang with the baby, and you can go off and do whatever you want without question.

Sometimes I'll post things online and people will be offended on my behalf and fan my flame more than if I just kept it to myself and dealt with it on my own. Just my two cents!

@highwire: I see where you are coming from but I think there is an additional issue where @belleoftheballe: has caught him in a previous deceitful situation.

DH and I are very independent and trusting people but it takes no time at all to say "I took a mental health day today and ran around doing my own thing to relax" It doesn't need to be a big discussion or anything but it keeps everyone on the same page with open communication. It also tells your partner that you felt the need to have a mental health day. I guess I just think it takes the same amount of effort to be open and honest than to not say anything at all.

No advice... hugs

@belleoftheballe: I would feel the same way as you.

@belleoftheballe: I don't like it. Mr. T doesn't wear his ring most of the time, but it's because it is an amputation hazard for most parts of his work. And he is alone or with just his dad in the middle of a field, or in our yard, or somewhere else where there aren't other people around. I think what sits the worst with me was how matter of fact he was about the deception. It sounded from what you wrote that he had no feelings of guilt at all regarding keeping this from you. Almost like he was frustrated with YOU for finding out (and wrecking it for him?). I think in relationships where there has been a breech of trust in the past the most respectful thing the person who breeched that trust can do is to be an open book until the wronged party feels comfortable to change that again. It doesn't sound like you were or are feeling trusting enough to do that yet. I hope that he will decide to be more open with you until you feel you are able to trust him. And some reciprocity would be nice. Maybe when you talk to him you can mention ways he could help you have a break in the near future.

@belleoftheballe: Keep us posted on how the chat goes! Lots of luck!

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: ETA: I wish my DH would share in that kind of thinking...but he doesn't, so that is why I wanted to share my experiences as an alternative viewpoint.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be miffed, I would! And I've been there countless times. I just wouldn't go so far as some of the suggestions of having to have a big, giant, intense talk about it/seek therapy/question his morals/whatnot. It sounds like the biggest issue OP has is the fact that she doesn't get a day off herself, so that would be where I focus my advice and attention.

I would be really hurt to. I'm sorry

@belleoftheballe: I agree with what @MrsStormy was getting at . . . the departure from his normal routine strikes me as *distress* behavior . . . , i.e., stress from work/ parenting demands/ relationship stress etc. Instead of approaching it from a *where's my day off* standpoint, what about just talking to him about what made him feel the need to get away. I also wouldn't start in about how angry you feel, I would tell him that his behavior hurt your feelings because he didn't trust you enough to tell you and that that is both sad and disappointing.

ETA: Not that your anger is not justified . . . it just may not be productive to approach the situation from that angle.

I hope you are feeling better. I don't understand all the talk about the ring - unless that's been an issue before? Dh never ever wears his ring, i have gotten out of the habit too (scratching LO). When I am wearing it - and he does this too - we leave it somewhere safe if we are going swimming or like, theme park, etc. he's a ring twiddler so I'm afraid he will lose it!

I am so sorry. Betrayal or perception of betrayal is such an awful thing to go through. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said, except for the ring. I think I might go a little against the grain here.
Unless your DH never takes off his ring, I wouldn't be too worried about that. My DH always wears his but my Dad and brother never wear theirs (for the same reason as @Mrs.Twine, amputation risk) so I can totally understand someone not wearing theirs or taking theirs off. I guess it just depends on your personal situation. I don't think he should be vilified for it if it is common behavior for him!
I hope you can have a meaningful conversation with him and that he is receptive towards your feelings. I'll be thinking of you! Maybe you can schedule a day off when he isn't working (schedule spa services or lunch and shopping with a friend, something that can't be cancelled) and just leave him to fend for himself and the kids for a day.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. {{{Hugs}}} I can understand wanting a day off for yourself, but the fact that he's had a breech of trust in the past makes any sort of action like this questionable. There should be no reason to keep such a thing a secret. I hope it was really just a day for himself and that it was just a poor choice on his part for not telling you.