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Be honest with him!

And also, maybe comprise and split! Like x days I'll drive you, and x days you take the bus?

@Chuckles: I find that sometimes with men you really just have to be blunt and straight with them. Trust me; I'm a 'stewer' too haha and I find that if we just honestly communicate our expectations, we are able to work something out.

girl, i would stand up for yourself! i agree it would be nice if he recognized what a burden this was on you, but it's probably hard to internalize if you don't draw the boundaries yourself. i would just tell him, on mornings like this if not all mornings, that he needs to be responsible for getting himself to work. in your shoes, i would not feel any obligation to ever give him a ride, except maybe on special occasions or if he's really not feeling well, etc.

i say this also because sometimes i can be the oblivious one, and my DH and i sometimes have trouble on weekends where one or the other of us has work that we need to get done. if i know there is work i have to get done, i am like, ok, i need to work from x hour to y hour, what is our plan for taking care of DS for that time? can you agree to be solely responsible for him for this time, and then at y hour i'll emerge and take over and you can have a break? by contrast, DH will just say something like "i have a lot of work to do this weekend" and then i never hear anything about it after that. obviously my preference is to have DH around and participating in weekend activities, so i just assume that if he really NEEDED to work, he'd do what i do and communicate what time he needs. we've had to have a few conversations where i explain this to him, because without knowing exactly what's going on with him at work, it's tough to know how much time to carve out for him to get work done or when. (he also feels like he SHOULD work most weekends, but doesn't NEED to, and it's really hard to tell which is which.) i'd (mostly) happily do it though if he set the boundaries himself!

Totally agree w @badgermom. My husband is very smart and has a PhD but he wouldn't "get it" if I was saying to him what you're saying you your husband. Like it wouldn't click. I would need to say "I'm so sorry, but mornings at work are really hectic and starting this week I have to bee there by x tone, so I can't drive you to the train in the morning, you'll have to take the bus. Sorry honey!" It's aggravating though, I know.

I also hate the bus (it’s crowded, the stop and go makes me feel lousy, it takes longer because of the stops, it’s always too hot in the winter, etc) so I would probably let you drive me too. Is there any way you could take the bus some days? Or could you adjust your schedule so you leave 15 minutes earlier so you can drive him and have your prep time? Because I get your point, but I also get his, and it seems like you’re dismissing his feelings.

@MrsADS: ugh, yeah. totally reminds me of the Emma "you didn't ask" comic from last year--that thing really hit the nail on the head.

@Chuckles: I don't see any of the pp's saying this, but I think "hinting" is a completely invalid form of communication--especially if you know that the person you're hinting to isn't trying to read your mind. being direct and saying when asked, "sorry sweetie, I just can't do it" in a kind voice is not being rude, unloving, or ungenerous.

but if I understand correctly and you actually offered to give him a ride, I don't think the conclusion is that "men are silly"--why is it silly that he took you up on your offer, and what ground is there to stand on getting upset with him? it's a real mixed message. this is a matter of standing up to *yourself*, not to him, and taking what you need, which is a tiny thing that's more than reasonable.

@MrsADS: I know, I think I was almost in tears by the end it was so reaffirming! I sent it to my husband immediately at our house it's pretty much like that for running the household matters, "hey are we out of toilet paper" kind of stuff, but for the parenting and childcare, we're mostly on equal footing, which I am glad for. it's gotten better (not great though) over the past year. my solution has been a combination of telling him that he is just as responsible as I am for the toilet paper 1000x, telling him that he is now responsible for xyz thing that I don't care that much when it doesn't get done (presents for his side of the family etc), and lowering my standards to try and care less when things don't happen so now we don't have a working smoke detector in our living room anymore, and also appreciating the stuff that he does that is "invisible work" to me--dealing with finances, all bill paying, dealing with the car, heavy lifting on house hunting. I don't think there really is a great solution that works
ETA sorry for the thread jack !

@Chuckles: sorry if I sounded brash before, I really have a lot of empathy for this as we have *very* similar mornings at my house with pretty much every aspect you mentioned. I also recognize that (especially? exclusively?) as women, our default is often to carry the load and fix everything, so maybe you're offering to do more than you can out of force of habit.

I wonder if it would be empowering to reframe it not as "I need you to take the bus once a week" but as "I am available to help you by giving you a ride x days, but not y days" ?? because then you're not saying, please do this thing *for me*--but you're saying, "here is what I can give you". I don't know, it seems as if it makes you less of the bad guy, if that makes sense. because you're not the bad guy by not being available 1000% of the time, especially if he's enjoying coffee and reading the news in his jammies while you're trying to fix your hair and do a million other things at high speed.

@Chuckles: one way I survive being a working mom is by setting clear boundaries about what I will and won't do. For instance, I NEVER vacuum, and I do not apologize for ordering takeout regularly when I get home too late to make dinner. I spend a lot of time managing my son's schedule, and I usually do both dropoff and pickup because it's easier for me to manage with my work schedule. But I basically refuse to do housework and make my husband do it since he refuses to hire someone.

I have had to get really blunt in my marriage about some of that stuff. Time is a zero sum game, and my career is one of my family's biggest assets. So I prioritize my son, my career, and maintaining my relationships and self care. Everything else is secondary, and I refuse to apologize for being only human and not killing myself to meet other people's expectations.

In other words, I agree with everyone else that you need to be more blunt and direct, and simply refuse to do it.

ETA: Is it worth getting him a cheap beater car to drive himself to the train?

In our house, mental health and self-care is essential to a happy marriage, calm/present parent, and productive work life. That means we basically prioritize our money and time to ensure those needs are met.

I'm the public transportation hater in our family so I get where your husband is coming from, but if it created a problem for my husband to drive me to the train station in the morning, I am not kidding in the least when I say that our solution would be to have an Uber pick me up every single morning and drive me to the train station. Or we'd get a beater second car and I'd drive to work, damn the expense. Like, we don't put a price tag on minor things that in the long run eat away at our relationship.

My husband has literally never ever in his life cleaned a toilet. His toilet in his bachelor pad was atrocious and he was fine with it because he didn't want to clean it. I got resentful about always having to clean our toilet after we got married, so we eventually got a housecleaner. Worth it not to carry that baggage of resentment.

I would just tell him that driving him to work every day is making you resentful and its not good for your mental health or your relationship. So either he can take the bus or you can sit and find money in the budget for another car or an Uber every day, because its not going to work any more.

@Chuckles: I think that driving him to the train station instead of getting him to take the bus is in the long run going to cause you to build up a lot of bitterness. For the health of your relationship its important to say no to things. As long as you continue to do it he will think it is no big deal.