I thought this was water under the bridge for DH and me, but every now and then he brings it up that he's still hurt that I got angry/upset with him for not saying something along these lines after I gave birth to our first child. I had been in labor for 36 hrs and pushed for an hour, and for some reason, I really expected/wanted to hear something like this (like maybe, you're amazing, I'm proud of you, good job, etc.). My husband did ask if I was okay and if I wanted him to stay with me or with the baby (who was getting suctioned), but I guess I wanted some kind of praise? I feel like I am mostly over it (esp. because the whole birth experience with DD#2 was better), but he says he still feels badly about it and that I should have let him know in advance if there was a certain thing he needed to say. So just looking for feedback about my original expectations.
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My husband after our first (long labor that ended up in C-section) gave me a kiss on my cheek and said he thought I was so strong and was proud of me. He then left and went with DD who was getting taken to NICU.
DD2 I don't' remember, it was a RCS so it didn't have the same "feel" as being in labor. We were both excited but I don't think he said good job/ect. but it didn't seem to affect me because I don't' remember for sure! ha
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I don't really remember but I do know he said, "You're doing great" during labor. I don't remember anything anyone said afterwards.
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I had a long/difficult 43 hour labor too. Honestly I don't remember much. I was just happy we both survived. I remember telling M to go be with the baby when they took her to the other side of the room. So I voted other.
Sounds like you guys might want to talk to a therapist once or twice to resolve it once and for all.
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Honestly I can't remember at all with either of my births. I was more focused on the baby than me at that point. I do remember he was very encouraging through the process though, mostly with pushing.
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Yes. Once we were settled in the postpartum room he basically told me that was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen anyone do. I doubt he'll be as impressed this time around since he knows what to expect!
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He was very proud of me but I can't remember exactly what he said. For our first, it was slightly traumatic because the baby was being born at 34 weeks and rushed to NICU. For my 2nd, born at 36 weeks and change he was very encouraging and supportive.
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@Truth Bombs: You never know my 2nd delivery was sooo different from my first. My husband was freaked out when I went through one of the transitions and kept asking the nurse if that was normal.
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I have no idea; but whenever I exclaimed I couldn't believe I just gave birth, pushed a human out, etc he would always reply with praise. I give him lots of props though b/c I was so mean to him during labor! I had been induced so I hadn't had any food/water for 24 hrs by the time I was pushing. So finally they let me have ice chips so in between every push (2 hrs!) I yelled at him to get me ice chips and that's all he did lol.
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Not those words, exactly, but he said something along the lines of how strong I was and how he had a hard time handling watching me go through it. He also kept telling everyone he couldn't believe how hard I worked for so long. For him, that's saying a lot.
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@BandDmommy: When I was in labor with my first my husband was begging the nurses to call for the epidural more than I was. "Can't you see how much pain she's in?!?!"
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@youboots: yeah, that's a good idea. I'm pretty sure we have actually talked about it in therapy, but it's probably something we need to revisit. I have told him a number of times that I'm sorry that I got upset with him, that I understand he thought he was saying the "right" things, but maybe he still senses that I was disappointed and thought he should have said more. He is super sensitive about upsetting me, even if I acknowledge that I know he didn't upset me on purpose.
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I don't think he did, and it didn't bother me--he's not very good at expressing appreciation, although honestly it bothers me more in every day things!
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i can't recall what or if he said anything specific, but i never doubted or worried that he wasn't proud of me. I think he made statements along the lines of "what you went through" or something and it was evident in his behavior that he thought i had been through so much and he wanted to do all he could to take care of me and baby after.
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I don't think there was any praise, but I wasn't needing it necessarily either. I remember just being really scared and relieved all at the same time. My first was an emergency C-section. I remember telling him to go be with the baby. And I could tell he was really conflicted about leaving me for our baby.
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He gave encouragement and praise through the process but I don't recall him saying anything along those lines after DD was born. I had a 36 hour induction that ended in a C-section so by the time it was over we were just exhausted and happy that our little girl was here.
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No, not with any of my 3 births. That would be totally out of character for him though.
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Not that I remember? It's not the kind of feedback I would really care about, though. I *do* remember shaking violently after both births and having a hard time focusing on anything other than forcing my body to relax and not fight it, so I wasn't exactly paying attention! (PS, i also don't really find that, for me, giving birth is OMG AMAZING. It's more like....relief that the baby is out and ok)
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Maybe my issue stems more from the fact that he wasn't especially encouraging/supportive during the whole labor. He was at certain points, but he also tried things like leaving the hospital to buy eye drops for himself after I was given the go ahead to push (my mom intercepted him in the lobby and told him to go back).
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@Truth Bombs: Pretty much what my husband said. He was in awe of what I went through.
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@78h2o: Um, that 100% sounds like the root of the problem! Also, what in the fuck! No, dude! You do not get to have a freak out while your wife is pushing!!! Have that freak out later, privately
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I have no clue. I remember he was super supportive during labor.
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@simplyfelicity: I feel like I was looking for something like that. However, it was probably unfair of me to have an uncommunicated expectation like that.
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@78h2o: DH has gushed about how awesome I was during LO2's two hour labor & delivery. LO1's labor lasted 51 hours. He probably said something positive about my 'performance' but I don't remember. He always focuses on how tired he was and what a bad state he was in when LO was born. He and the doula slept in shifts and I haven't been able to muster any sympathy. He made the mistake of telling my parents how hard labor was for him and it got a little ugly. Know your audience.
LO2's birth was really healing for both of us. If we hadn't gone though that I would have been up for a trip to a therapist.
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@78h2o: that would bother me. Why would you leave? Baby is about to be born. My kids were born after a few minutes of pushing.
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@blackbird: yeah, I was pissed! He also would not let me turn off the tv so I could sleep after getting the epidural because HE needed the tv on in order to sleep. Nevermind that I had been up the entire previous night in labor by myself while he slept 10 hrs. And not only did he insist on having the tv on, he complained loudly that the recliner was uncomfortable. Ugh! He does now admit that all of that was uncool...
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@78h2o: It sounds like your husband was super overwhelmed and didn't know how to process it. The fact that he still feels bad about it shows that he just didn't know what to do. Your role was super defined (as the one giving birth) and his was not really. I agree with youboots that a session or two could really get this ironed out so you both have peace about it.
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No, but it doesn't mean I don't think he was proud of me. I think we were just so wrapped up in finally having the baby here, the shock of seeing/holding her, etc. that I was the last thing on his mind. To be honest, I was the last thing on my own mind-- I just wanted to hear her cry and snuggle!
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@BandDmommy: He said he thought it could take an hour or two and didn't want his itchy eyes (allergies) to distract him from the birth. It did end up taking a whole hour, but there was no way of knowing! The only reason it took awhile was because she was stuck with her hand above her head.
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@simplyfelicity: You are probably right. He does get anxious/overwhelmed easily.
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@78h2o: yeah it sounds like you have some lingering hurt about his behavior. Time to hash it out in a safe space and put it behind you.
Sounds like you just exploded after feeling unsupported and made that praise after the issue even though it was the way he acted in general?
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Thanks everyone! It does make me feel better to know that not everyone heard these things. For some reason, I had felt like it was kind of a universal thing for SOs to do/say.
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I don't remember, but he was sort of an uncharacteristic jerk during my pregnancy and so that was the least of my concerns. We are back in a good place now though. I believe he was inappropriately channeling his anxiety about becoming a dad and taking it out on me, but at this point I don't really care since we have moved on. I'm sure I wasn't a peach to deal with when I was pregnant either.
I mostly shut him out during my labor, which I think hurt his feelings, but he didn't make me feel safe and secure at the time.
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@youboots: yeah, I think that put me me over the top but it obviously wasn't the only thing. Thanks for your feedback.
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@78h2o: He complained that the recliner was uncomfortable while you were in labor, and prioritized his sleep over yours?? You are far more patient than me - I would have kicked my partner out of the room!
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I voted other as I really cannot remember! I know he has said things to that effect since then, but I couldn't even tell you who was in the room right after the birth, let alone what they said!
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I'm due with our first in a few weeks and hadn't really thought about what he'll say. I imagine he'll say something sweet like usual. I do know he bought me a push present that's a diamond necklace so I'm looking forward to getting that!
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@78h2o: Yes, he was in amazement and was very vocal about how incredible he thought I was, thanking me, and admitting he would never be able to have done it himself. He also went out of his way to tell his friends how proud of me he was and how he thinks I am the strongest woman ever (I will gladly accept that title in his mind!). I don't say this to rub it in but to let you know that you definitely do deserve that praise! Perhaps as PP have said he was in such shock he didn't even know how to react. I think the key here is moving on. You can't change the past and because he didn't say it - it doesn't mean he didn't feel it. Hopefully he takes this as a hint to praise you on your epic mothering skills
ETA: just reading about the recliner issue... umm wow.. no words. -
I don't remember what he said (he's not great with words) but he was there for me whatever I needed and like PPs said, it seems like his actions were more of the issue and his words are what you focused on. Sorry you're still feeling hurt by this.
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@Reese: Thanks. Yeah, I would have loved for him to react like that! I have friends whose husbands are like that (bragging about their wives, saying they couldn't have done it), and I think that is part of the reason why I had thought/hoped that he's react in a similar way. He is not good at praise/appreciation in general. He told our therapist that he doesn't show appreciation because he doesn't like to receive it himself. Um, ok. We're working on it.
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