Hellobee Boards

I only read about it online. IRL everyone is very supportive with advice and cordial to one another at the birthday parties, church functions, or get togethers. I have never felt out of place or rude vibes. I am sure it exists since it's being blogged about time and time again though.

I need to add that yes I do get unsolicited parenting advice from family members but I don't count that as a "mommy war" issue since it's family.

I have stayed as far away from mommy wars as I can in real life and online. But they always flare up... SAH vs WOH, breast vs formula, vaccinations, discipline, eating, BLW, screen time, how much you spend on clothes, organic vs non, how much time you spend outdoors, sleep training, CO sleeping, teaching a second language, baby wearing, baby signing, going to play spaces... I've heard opposition on every single thing. But my attitude makes a difference for me. I honestly don't care what other people think I should do. Unless they're family and willing to step up and make an effort or pay for something, they don't have a say.

@scg00387: Honestly, I think the root of it is insecurity and defensiveness.
I had a mom make a comment to me about how you should never let your baby cry, because you will teach them that they can't trust you. If I felt insecure about my decision to sleep train, or I felt defensive about it- that would certainly feel like a personal attack. But I know I made the right call so I can just kind of ignore it, I guess?

This is why I say that parenting requires bullet proof self esteem. Everyone wants to tell you how they did it, and believes that the way they did it is THE way. Parenting is deeply personal, so it makes sense that we sometimes feel fragile about our choices. But I don't really think that there is this huge group of moms judging other moms for whatever choices they make (there are some, sure- but the majority? I don't think so).

I've never felt judged for staying home, or for wanting to go back to work, or for breastfeeding in public, etc. (granted those are pretty "normal" choices in my community) I generally don't surround myself with assholes, though- and to be honest I think that in person I give off a bit of a "confidence" vibe so maybe people just don't say these things to me?

@mrs. wagon: SO I will say this (and I don't mean to derail this conversation)- vaccines are the one area where I get "judgey" but I"m not sure they belong in the category with other parenting choices. In my opinion I get worked up about the political/public health issue. Ultimately I guess when its one individual family I don't care what they do- but I do get upset when people spread false information about vaccine safety, because I think then it becomes a public health and political issue at that point, not just a parenting choice.

@Silva: I couldn't agree more. I have many doctor friends and my husband is studying for his masters in public health so I hear about this topic a lot. Plus there is a measles outbreak about 15 miles from our town. It terrifies me to think people and babies right around me could suffer and die from measles...! And very soon.

I haven't experienced any real-life mommy wars. I know that I've judged a few parenting choices made by friends, but I'd never say anything to them and I don't think they're worse parents than me for their choices. I'm positive that those same friends probably have a few things they judge me about, but I think everyone knows we're all just doing the best we can with what cards we've been dealt. Now if some random stranger stopped to make a comment about my parenting, I'm pretty sure I'd turn the bitch switch on, but there's been none of that in my son's 2 years so far.

IRL I think all of the moms I know are polite and respectful. I think we have all used different methods in a variety of areas, but since there are many ways of getting to the same end, I don't think that has caused any type of conflict. I have had people make rude comments about parenting style (especially my mom and MIL) but I think it's defensiveness and justification of their own choices, not really "mommy wars". I also don't give a crap if my friends SAH or work or BLW or puree or co-sleep or sleep train, etc. and I don't even feel like the way I do things is the best way.

That said, I do have one friend I am judgey of, but I think it's because I find her parenting cruel, and not in a mommy wars kind of way - like in an - she spends time with her kid literally twice a month and posts about how awful it is the entire time she's doing it.

I think it's normal to discuss differences in parenting choices, especially with your co-parent, as a way of figuring out what you like and what works for you, but I don't think that that needs to be mean or disrespectful either!

I was just discussing with Dh the other day how there is such a "mommy wars" thing but irl I haven't experienced it. One of my best friends just had her second and it's funny, we are pretty much on the opposite side of most issues- I love bfing, she hated it with her first and went to formula and went straight to formula with her second; I had a med free birth, she had a planned c section; and it goes on. We both can understand how and why the other made their choices and that's all- no judgments!

I will say sometimes I do feel funny saying I'm a sahm. Not like people are judging me but like I think they will, which is stupid and all on me, not them.

@mrs. wagon: that measles outbreak/ exposure scares the sh!t out of me, since C is too young to be fully vaccinated and it hits way too close to home.

I haven't really experienced any in person, but I was with my sister when she was bottle feeding her son in a bookstore - someone made a loud comment from across the room about breast feeding. When we looked their way, they pretty much yelled "why aren't you breast feeding? That stuff is poison"
I was completely taken aback. My sister later told me that that happens quite often to her. She's had people make similar comments when they saw she had formula in her shopping cart,

Why is it anyone else's business? It's especially upsetting for my sister because she can't BF due to medical reasons and such.

The mommy-wars definitely exist.

Every time a friend of mine posts on FB that they are going to be a SAHM, or a mom decides to quit working the FIRST comment is always either: “that’s the best choice you can make for your kids!” or “good for you! They are only little for a short period of time!”. Every.single.time.

The constant questions upon return from maternity leave about how much I miss my daughter during the day, about how I must wish I could stay home – the assumption being that every woman would stay home if only they could.

A friend of mine is really into RIE parenting (whatever that is) and is always boating about how the choices she makes respect her LO as a person, definitely implying that the rest of us are just into basically breaking our LO's spirits. Eyeroll.

@MsLipGloss: Yes; agree totally with you about the subtle remarks being the biggest fan for the flames. It’s (somewhat) easy to just dismiss the crazy, but harder when it’s a constant, subtle “attack”.

Every now and then I get shitty comments about daycare raising my kids or "oh wow I'm soooo lucky my DH let me stay home and that we could afford it" like we're broke ass hobos or something. More so while I was pregnant! But I often read it as their insecurity or just bragging.

Most of my friends are like me--working moms, etc, so we are often cut from the same cloth, which cuts down on the issues. It's just never been a problem with FRIENDS. It's strangers that are jerks and most of the time, they don't say shit to me. I think my mom was the worst about breastfeeding and I finally laid into her. Maybe people don't f*ck with you so much when you're 6 feet tall, either. It's tricky at work, though...I let it slide and silently rage when coworkers are dumb. Or my chiropractor--he would lecture women who didn't BF, talk shit about reflux meds...I finally left his practice. In the beginning, though, man. When hormones are raging, people really screw with you. I've kind of forgotten most of the shitty stuff, though.

I'm trying to find the middle ground between giving someone the benefit of the doubt for being ignorant and letting something slide and letting someone know they're being an asshole and speaking up. It's a tricky balance when you don't regularly run into situations like this

Family is the worst, @scg. They think they can say anything "Because we're family". I cannot get behind that mentality but it's like my parents' family motto or some bullshit.

Most of my friends who have kids are super supportive, even though we all do things differently. Some of us co-sleep, some CIO, some of us breastfeed and others gave formula. There's no drama. There has been one friend who has said some sly stuff against WOHM moms but I choose to ignore it. But I mostly see Mommy War stuff online not IRL.

I would say that most of the negative comments I've received are more often a War Against Mommies--these comments come from friends who have no children. I choose either not to share or to point out to them that I used to say what I would and would not do with my kid prior to having a child and that most of it went out the window once I actually had one.

I agree with the others who have said that it stems from insecurity and resulting defensiveness. I think that's key.

I haven't seen any actual "mommy wars" situations IRL. Little jabs here and there from ppl who aren't too sensitive about the feelings of others anyway are the extent of my IRL experiences with it. I have seen a lot online (and a lot that I'd categorize as mommy wars here at different times).

@Ellie: How did this person even know that it was formula, and not breast milk, in the bottle?

I think mommy wars exist more on the internet thanthey do in real life. It's easy to be an asshole on the internet. I've noticed in person the only people who judge parenting are people who are already insecure about their parenting skills.

@Mrs. Blue: hahaha. No whiskey?

I get a lot of comments about being a SAHM (some jabs, some positive). My co-workers (the one's who are moms) made a lot comments in the beginning. I went back to work temporarily (3-months) when LO was 11-weeks old to finish out the school year. It was a blessing in that I was able to experience both sides of the spectrum. Both were hard and no way in hell would I ever judge someone/make comments about their circumstance. When I announced I would be taking a leave of absence for the next two years, a ton of people asked what my husband did for a living/ made comments about what they thought his salary may be. I was also asked what I would do all day and if I would be bored. Ha!!!

@MsLipGloss: Yes, I certainly didn't intend to imply that you wouldn't get any comments if you live in a bigger place. I just always wonder if I would get less if I were in an area that it was somewhat more common. Or perhaps, really, I just wonder if I would also receive more supportive comments, which I absolutely never receive here. Maybe, I'm off base and geography doesn't play into it at all!