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Do you actively give each other "space" time?

  1. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @blackbird: His mum is exactly the same. She "faints" when she is tired and "needs a lie down" every time she gets a little stressed. His dad is Mr-Fix-It who makes everything better while she lies in a darkened room. She's a lovely woman but jeez its annoying!! FIL is the nicest, calmest, most capable person I know.... but I'm not like him and I can't pick up the pieces when DH gets "ill from stress".

  2. blackbird

    wonderful grape / 20453 posts

    @Cherrybee: girl I hear you. I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed lately

  3. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @blackbird: Thanks Its really since starting my new job. My old job was so easy and so flexible.... now I'm stressed all day every day so I'm less able to cope with home stress.

  4. Dandelion

    watermelon / 14206 posts

    @Cherrybee: THAT would bother me. It's unfair of him to demand "me" time but then complain the whole time he's giving you "me" time. He should chin up and act like a grown up.

  5. Applesandbananas

    pomegranate / 3845 posts

    @Cherrybee: what would happen if you didn't jump in immediately? I'm guilty of doing this too and I think, in my case, it exacerbated the situation. DH definitely felt like he could game the system. He certainly needs more me time but we fell into a pattern of him giving me next to none and coming across as entitled... Not a pleasant situation at all. Maybe when it's your turn for me time, you leave the house? What would he do then? Does he have any totally solo time with E?

  6. catomd00

    grapefruit / 4418 posts

    @Cherrybee: no wonder you snap at him! Sorry but he sounds like an immature ass! What ex ty did he expect having a child would be like?! He needs to learn to man up and deal (without snapping) and figure it out. Have you guys considered couples counseling? Something's got to change and judging by how your try went, it doesn't sound like it's going to happen without outside help. I cannot believe he didn't appreciate time to relax because he could hear LO screaming. I have no words.

  7. Sapphiresun

    nectarine / 2220 posts

    This is a major point of contention in our house as well. Essentially DH works 4 on, 4 off 12 hour shifts. I work M-F 8 hour days, and LO goes to daycare reflecting my hours. So, he essentially has the option to have 1-4 days a week completely by himself while she goes to daycare, and often sends her 3/4 of his days off, to just have time to himself if he's off midweek, and does nothing, and then bitches endlessly about all our weekends that we have days off together being occupied by family time, or if I ask him to do anything on days that he "worked all day", or his "only days to himself". Whereas the only places I ever go occasionally by myself is work or the grocery store, and even that's rare.

  8. MaisyMay

    GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts

    @Cherrybee: He doesn't get resentful about it. He's very hands-on with LO. Plus, he tends to get longer breaks than me. I may take an hour here or there, but he'll get 3-4 hours away with friends, plus, he's had several times where he's traveled for work for a week at a time, leaving me as a solo parent.

  9. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    OMG of course we do! Otherwise I would probably have exploded by now!

    On weekends when we have no plans, usually we do this:

    1. Baby wakes up, I bring him to our bed and we nurse/snooze for awhile then hang out in bed as a family.
    2. I go to yoga and my husband watches the baby. He often wears the baby while he vacuums!
    3. I come home from yoga. We hang out a bit, I shower, we have brunch.
    4. Often, my husband leaves to do stuff by himself. I take the baby to the park and we hang out on a picnic blanket and play.
    5. My husband comes home just before the baby's bedtime. He works on dinner while I put the baby to bed.

    We missed this two weekends in a row because we were away on a family vacation and never split up with the baby. I nearly lost it by the end of the week because I had no time to myself.

  10. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @ElbieKay: That's so interesting - you felt stressed out after one week. Since she was born, save for a few lie-ins, neither of us has had time during the day without the baby... apart from when we are working of course. We have both been out with out friends a few times in the evening (but it backfires because then you are even more tired the following day when you have to get up at 6am). DH works two jobs and I have a long daily commute so there's lots of baby-juggling, taking it in turns to look after her, but never any free time for anyone.

    @catomd00: I really think we need counselling..... but he wasn't into the idea when I raised it previously. To be fair to him, on the other points, we are as bad as each other. I need to ask myself what *I* expected having a baby would be like, too. The answer, for me, is I expected that there would be more relaxing snuggles (DD is not a cuddly child and freaks out if you try to confine her to cuddles in bed when she wants to be off playing), a bit of watching cartoons together with hot milk and biscuits (the TV frustrates her because she can't interact with it - so she screams and hits it ) and lots of giggles (the only way to make her laugh is to swing her upside down and that gets tiring pretty quick). i guess I thought that spending time with my adorable child would *be* my downtime....I didn't realise how full-on it would be all.the.time.

    I think the reason he made a big deal about not being able to go back to sleep because LO was shouting was because he didn't want his "lie-in" to mean that I had more right to be tired than him..... The way we currently work is on a tit-for-tat system. Whoever has it "less hard" should do more. So we go to great lengths to make sure the other person knows how tired we are.

    The real problem is we are both exhausted. We are BOTH at capacity. I work full time, managing a difficult team and I have a 55 mile round trip daily. DH has two jobs - a full time job and a second job. We share the morning duties, we share drops offs/pick ups (I do 3 and DH does 2), we share bedtime duties and we do fairly equal amounts of housework/cooking etc. I do more night-wakings but that's the only inconsistency. We are both completely exhausted and neither of us has any more to give to support the other person.... because to take over for the other person is to do more yourself. I pointed out to him last night how much I had done to try to make his life easier this weekend and he said he knew. I just hope that he decides to repay the favour and we can start supporting each other more.

    Thank you to everyone for your advice and words of wisdom.

  11. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    @Cherrybee: I read your comment about "tit for tat". Please don't take this the wrong way because I am trying to be constructive, but I think that is a very damaging dynamic to have in a relationship, especially one that is stressed. It is hard, but my husband and I both try to have a good faith attitude that we are both doing as much as we can. We ask each other for help when we need it, and we look for opportunities to relieve each other's burden (e.g., by volunteering for diaper changes).

    It's not always perfect, and to be honest I was really a pain in the neck last week because I was very stressed out for various reasons. But we usually feel like we are working together on the same team. If we were constantly keeping score on a micro basis about whose turn it was to do what in the interest of "fairness", I don't think we would get along at all.

  12. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    @Cherrybee: It also sounds like you need help. Can your husband afford to quit his second job? Can you hire a sitter for a few hours over the weekend to give you both a break? Can you hire someone to help with chores at home? I would look hard to see how you can add some breathing room because it doesn't sound like your current setup is sustainable.

  13. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @ElbieKay: I agree with you! It's not a deliberate tit-for-tat system it's just the pattern we seem to have fallen into and it's really, really damaging. We're at the point now where I don't think we really like each other all that much. Only this morning, DD woke up only 10 minutes before the alarm was due to go off and then set about wailing for someone to come and get her. I lay there thinking "Is he going to go? Is he hell. I always go..." and when he didn't get up after a few minutes of me waiting (getting angrier and angrier) I flung the duvet back and yelled "Fine. I give up!" as I stomped out of the room. DH shouted "What???" furiously after me. We then ignored each other - save for giving each other instructions/info about Elliott - for the rest of the morning, until DH left for work and said goodbye as if nothing had happened.... the majority of our interactions are like this these days.

  14. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @ElbieKay: His second job is really important to him. IMO we don't really need the money but he says that if he turns gigs down he won't get offered them any more and it's unfair of me to ask him to. I feel like we do need some help, mostly so that we can work on our relationship (which is what I wanted to talk to DH about in the first place).... but DH wants to add even more tasks to our list like fixing the garage roof and doing home improvements. Ugh.

    I feel like his ideal would be for me to be default baby-carer and for him to be able to dip in and out as he pleases, doing home improvements, fixing things, going out to gigs and generally "being the man"..... (no doubt he would say that this isn't true and it's "very unfair" of me to say this. But it's how I feel sometimes).

  15. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    @Cherrybee: I just want to give you a big HUG. The situation with your husband and caring for your child sounds really stressful and it sounds like you BOTH need a break, but it's hard to get one when you're both overtaxed and someone would need to step up even more in order to allow the other the break they need.

    For us, we currently both get "me" time fairly regularly. Hubs usually goes out every other Friday night with his friends and I stay home with Xander. And occasionally he'll spend a whole Saturday with his friends. As for me, I get every other Friday off, so I send Xander to daycare so that I can have a day to myself. And if there's anything ever going on on weekends or evenings that I want to do, Hubs is very accommodating. This Friday I'm going to dinner and a movie with a girlfriend while Hubs is on toddler duty.

    During the week, Hubs gets up with Xander and brings him to daycare. I pick him up and usually feed him dinner. Then we share the evenings, though I usually do a little more than Hubs, and Hubs handles bed-time routine. And then weekends are pretty split. I get up with Xander on Saturdays so Hubs can sleep in and we split the rest of the day, though I generally do a bit more. But then on Sunday, Hubs gets up while I sleep in and he also spends most of the day with Xander while I go grocery shopping and whatever other kind of shopping I feel like doing.

    I hope you guys are able to figure this out.

  16. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @Adira: Thank you. Your first paragraph just sums the whole situation up. I hate that I'm moaning about my husband again because he really is a good guy and a great dad, honestly. We're just both so overworked and on'y have each other to "blame" because you can't "blame" a 1 year old for needing her parents, can you?

  17. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    @Cherrybee: Would it be possible for one of you to use some vacation time (if you have it) to take some time off during the day while your LO is in daycare? Then maybe they can get a break and recharge a little bit, which would allow them to step up a bit more on the weekend to give the other person a break and then hopefully that person would feel a little more recharged and you could come up with a schedule for the week where you each get some time off??

  18. blackbird

    wonderful grape / 20453 posts

    I agree, at least take a vacation day and use it to recharge your batteries. And think very seriously about seeing someone. Even if it's not together and it's just you. You can go after E is in bed. You are on an unsustainable path

  19. catomd00

    grapefruit / 4418 posts

    It definitely sounds like more of a competition between you instead of a team effort. Do you guys go on date nights? Maybe you need to just bring it back to the basics and reconnect with each other, even if it's just once a month. Since DH and I started doing this, our relationship and ability to parent as a team again has gotten so much better!!!

  20. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    @Cherrybee: If he doesn't need the second job, then I suggest that you use the extra income to hire a babysitter so that you can get some time to yourself, either with your husband or on your own.

  21. Maysprout

    grapefruit / 4800 posts

    If he doesn't need the money maybe put it towards making home life a little easier. Have a house keeper come every week or two and have a babysitter come for date night. whoops didn't hit submit. Just repeating what elbiekay said now

  22. NovBaby1112

    grapefruit / 4066 posts

    I'm really sorry- what a stressful situation to be in. My DH works very long hours but I do not, so I do most of the home/baby care, but both of us really do need a break every once and awhile to "recharge". I usually go shopping or to the gropcery store for an hour or so on the weekends, and have girls nights out every once and awhile, while DH does some of his hobbies and see's his friends too. It sounds like both of you are at your breaking point-and like @blackbird said, it's unsustainable. Taking care of a child shouldnt be about keeping score, tit for tat games, who is more tired, who got up last, who is doing more work, etc. It's detrimental to your relationship and well being for your entire family. The only way I see it is SOMETHING has to give. It really sounds like you need a better work/life balance. Can you talk to your work about leaving earlier? Perhaps doing some work from home after E goes to bed to make up for it? Could your DH quit his second job? Could you even work from home 1 day per week due to your commute? If your work is not willing to budge to accomodate your role as both an employee and mother- perhaps look to find something with a better commute and more flexibility.

  23. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    Also: Even if you are uncomfortable hiring a sitter, you can always hire someone to watch your child while you are home. Even that is a huge help. The first (half) day our nanny started, I stayed home the entire time. The second day, I went out for just an hour. Etc.

  24. yoursilverlining

    eggplant / 11824 posts

    I hope this isn’t out of line to say, but I really think you should push for couples counseling. If you are working with a “tit for tat” dynamic, you are working against either other, not with each other and that just can’t work long term.

    I understand him not wanting to quit his second job, but (even without a child) there are only so many hours in a day/week. I doubt he would actually have all this time for home improvements even if it was just the 2 of you! Can you talk about hiring someone to come in and take care of some of the little home improvement things that are bugging your husband? Or a babysitter to give you both a break? Sometimes when we are really busy and stressed and I feel like I’m underwater with everything, my mom will come over and DH and I will just go take a nap. It sounds a little silly, but man oh man is it helpful. Just to have a couple of hours to recharge really helps my entire outlook improve a lot.

  25. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @yoursilverlining: Not out of line at all. I told him, at the end of the conversation that started all of this "space time" stuff that I felt like we would be divorced within 2 years of we didn't fix this. He was just outraged that I would even say such a thing and then got really hung up about one word I used (I said that if we were in a better place in our relationship, I would feel much more "charitable" towards him). I do think we need to discuss further but I agree we need a referee.

    @NovBaby1112: I already leave at 4pm three days per week so I can pick E up by 5pm (it's an hour commute that time of day). I make up my hours by not taking a lunch break and by doing some work at home. I do have an official work from home day (Weds) but I rarely get to take it - something always crops up. I'm new in post, managing the team from hell, trying to turn around a completely failing service and it's just really, really intense right now. It's partly why I'm so frazzled I think!

    @ElbieKay: @Maysprout: Good idea. There is a local police-checked sitting service that charges £12 an hour. That means if we went out at 8pm and were back by 1am it would only cost us £60.... which we could afford every now and again (DH worries about money and would say that this is extravagant but I think we need it).

    @Adira: @blackbird: We tend to save leave days for emergencies (E is sick etc) but I guess this is an emergency really. It sounds like a plan. The truth is that I have done this recently (and slept the entire day away) but I haven't told DH because I don't want that to mean that I'm the "less tired one" and should this do more that evening/weekend. I told you I was as bad as he is

    @catomd00: No, we don't. My inlaws are our only source of childcare and they already have her while we work - so we only ask them to have her overnight if we have an important function like a wedding to go to (3 times since she was born). They gave us a "free night" for our birthdays but DH wanted to use it to go and watch a football match (I hate football). We have never, ever been out together for a "date" since she was born. We need to start doing this.

  26. Maysprout

    grapefruit / 4800 posts

    @Cherrybee: cheaper than marriage counseling. Dh and I had a date this week while my parents came to visit and after a couple 80 hr weeks for him it was so refreshing. He spent the morning with the girls then the late afternoon/ eve with me. Unfortunately he had to be up at 430 am the next day so no late night but we were in need of some out of the house alone time. Makes you feel like you're back in the early part of dating / marriage again.

  27. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @Maysprout: It sounds wonderful!

    Well, the good news is I may have found myself a baby sitter! It's someone that we know but someone that we don't know too well to *hire*, for an hourly rate, with a contract and stuff. Which is what I wanted. I feel really positive about it.

  28. plantains

    grapefruit / 4671 posts

    @Cherrybee: I really hope the babysitter can give you both a little room to breathe so that it gets better. Do you have any mum friends? I have found that drinking wine while our kiddos tear the living room up works a treat.

  29. Cherrybee

    papaya / 10570 posts

    @plantains: Yeah, I have a fair few mum friends, including my closest friend who has a 2yo, and we do play dates often (minus the wine because someone has to drive home after, but that sounds like fun!).

    In fact, its something my BFF said that has made DH's space time request sting all the more. She and her husband spend all weekend every weekend having fun with their LO as a family. They frequently invite us on whatever day trip they are going on but DH never wants to go. I only ever join them alone, with E. My BFF told me that her and her husband feel bad for me that my DH never comes and they feel sad that we don't hang out as couples with our kids. She said that they try not to hold it against my DH but its hard. As a result I've stopped going to meet them as often. Im embarassed that they think my husband never hangs out with us (he's WORKING remember, not chilling - but now he wants actual time off too). I need to accept that they're the abnormal ones, not us (this thread proves that).

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