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@Mrsbells: This! My brother is my absolute best friend. Along with my husband of course. But growing up, we have SO many stories, experiences, and more that an only child wouldn't really know what they're missing out on, so of course it's great from their perspective. And we were a military family. People always remarked that we were like toy soldiers in public, as we were expected to act like adults and NEVER romped around being crazy in public. Teachers would remark we were way too mature for our classmates lol. But, you have to do what's right for you. For us, DH wants one, but he knows how important it is to me to at least *try* for two, so we can help cultivate a pleasurable sibling experience for our kids. I am by no means saying all sibling relationships are great. DH and his sister hate each other. But, then a lot of that competitiveness and hatred towards one another goes towards parenting imo, but that's a different topic lol.
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@LazyLightning: ha ha ha - I have been on the receiving end of that look!!!
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It doesn't inspire horror or shock when someone says they only want one, and I have plenty of well-adjusted, happy friends that were only children. That said, I do sort of feel sorry for only children because I think sibling relationships are such an amazing and unique thing. Don't get me wrong, they can get me madder than anyone in the world, but they are also the only people in the world that can truly identify with everything from my childhood, our parents quirks and funny parenting moments, our childhood adventures and mishaps, etc. I love the relationship I have with my brothers, and I guess I just think it would be sad if I didn't have that (even though I wouldn't know that I was missing anything).
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@mediagirl: It's worse for them in adulthood! Growing up they say they were kind of bored, but it wasn't too bad since they had their parents attention. But now that we're adults and celebrating big life events like weddings, graduations, babies, etc. they definitely feel a little left out. Both of them worried a lot about their future wedding parties, to the extent that it was the main reason they both joined sororites, but it didn't end up working out. So they stress out a lot over that along with a lot of other events where family is involved!
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I guess I do, because all of the only children I know wish they had siblings. I have never actually met an only child in person who has told me they preferred it that way.
Maybe it is because me and my sisters are awesome (LOL), and seem to have "ideal sibling relationships". The 3 of us have always gotten along so well, and were like "surrogate siblings" for some of our/each others only child friends. As close as our friends are to us, they are no where near as close as we are to each other.
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I am not an only child and I would never in a million years be one-and-done. I feel very strongly about this, which i'm sure has something to do with the fact that I cannot stand any of the only children I know. It's bad to stereotype but I think children with no siblings are very different than children with siblings. I cherish my memories of my sister and I, and we are still best friends to this day.
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With 3 younger sisters, I can't imagine being an only child. Sure - we fought growing up, but now the 4 of us are best friends. One of my sisters and I are especially close - roommates in college, work for the same organization....
I love how loud and fun our home is at holidays or when we are all hanging out. No one knows me like my sisters do and no one shares the same memories. Seeing my mom and HER sisters take care of my grandma, I feel better knowing that my sisters and I will help each other out when my parents get older.
So that being said - I don't feel BAD for only children, but I do feel kind of sad that they miss out on the opportunity of a sibling bond (though as others have mentioned, just having a sibling is no guarnatee you'll be close). I hope that if I have a daughter, she has a sister. My ideal world would be a boy and two girls
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Growing up I sort of felt bad for myself that I only had one sibling, whereas all my cousins were 3 or 4 siblings...they seemed to have more fun. I never really thought about only children and don't know enough to really have a solid opinion.
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@char54: oh gosh I can't stand loud homes! I always have to step outside or in to another room for some breathing room. Environmental hazard of being an only kid? It's ALWAYS quiet.
@Modern Daisy: I solved that problem by not having a wedding party. It was the right choice, easy peasy!
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I don't feel bad for only children or really think of them as any different than people with siblings. I guess I never really thought it was a big deal. My husband thinks only children are weirdos and really wanted multiple children (despite the fact that he's not really close with his siblings.)
I think it would be great for financial purposes to just have one kid, but I love having kids, so I definitely wanted more than one. I also have a huge fear of my children dying. I think the only way I would be able to go on if one of my children died would be because I had to support my other children. If I only had one and she was gone I don't even know what I would do.
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Great thread topic! I've never felt sorry for only children. I will probably only have one kid, but LO will have 6 cousins already within a 2 hour drive, so I doubt they will lack for playmates! I hope that I don't get horrified looks when I tell people we are done after this one! It's nobody's business!
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Another only here! I loved being an only and have never really wanted siblings. I think I understood from a very early age that not having siblings meant I had a lot of great opportunities (travel, attention, and eventually bigger stuff like college without loans). Our LO will probably be an only as well.
A lot of people say things like, "I never would have guessed you were an only child! You don't seem like it!" when they find out, which I think is pretty obnoxious. It's such a backhanded compliment. Like they have this idea about only children being horrible selfish people, but I must be the exception to the rule!
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Interesting thread! I've said before and I'll say again, I'm in the minority with still wishing I was not an only child. But at the same time, I appreciate how much time I was able to have with my parents and the things we were able to enjoy because there was only one of me. DH is also an only child, and he's always loved it.
However, I feel really sad about the idea of two only children having an only child. I really want 2, but I also recognize that this might not be possible with the lifestyle we want to have and the things we want to provide LO. I think it makes me sad because I grew up with a really large family, even though I was by far the youngest and an only child. DH did also. And we both feel sad about the fact that our families are now much smaller, after deaths and various family rifts. We both grew up with huge family holidays and trips to see people and everybody was really close. And I hate the idea that as LO grows up, if we only have him, it'll be just the three of us pretty much (my dad lives here, but I'm not close with any of my other family, and DH's family all lives up in New York). I have this vision of a little precocious boy who grew up too fast in a quiet house with us two weirdos and no aunts or uncles and it makes me want to cry lol.
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@ladyfingers: I know how you feel! Our LO will likely not have any close cousins, which kind of bums me out because I loved my cousins growing up. We are trying hard to maintain a "tribe" of friends who are like family to us. We call our close friends aunt and uncle to our LO and while we don't always spend holidays together, they will be there for birthdays and special days and hopefully fill that role for her.
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I don't feel bad for only children, but I also have made many observations of my own as well, and it's quite easy to see/guess who was an "only" or raised like an only with a huge age gap from sibling(s).
Personally, I was supposed to be the only child and it wasn't until I was 8 1/2 and 10 1/2 y/o that my siblings came along. I suppose at some points I had "asked" for a sister and by the time that came along, I really was more of an "only" that suddenly had to be like an additional parent helping out with the siblings. I think my experience as an only/much-older made me more mature, adult-like, and independent person and relatives had ALWAYS treated me like an adult.
Now, I love my siblings and I know that having them keeps me much more attached and interactive with my parents. I think w/out any siblings, it would be much easier to just be completely in my own world and life, and I'd see my parents a LOT less.
Same with DH. I think his sister and nephews help keep the family more united and interactive because everyone wants to see each other.
DH thinks about us only having one child, and I think about that in the future. I don't feel sorry for the only for all the love and extra opportunities she/he would get, but maybe sorry for our future old-selves! -
@pointybird: I was just going to chime in and say the same thing, but you've already said it. I get the same back handed compliment. Haha, it is amusing how so many people have such terrible opinions of onlies.
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A little. But I know lots of normal, healthy, happy, successful onlies. I only plan to have one so I can give her the life I want to give her. We aren't 100% but I'm planning on just the one and hopefully getting her to make lifelong friends. We'll see though.
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I do, only because my sister is one of my absolute favorite people in the world and we were always close. I had a couple best friends growing up who were only children, and both were more demanding of their parents, I guess a bit more spoiled, and weirdly competitive with me--perhaps because they had no siblings to be competitive with. I don't know if they were lonely, because when I was around they weren't alone!
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My husband is an only child and I do feel sorry for him, though I would never tell him that. He's not very close with anyone in his family and really hates family gatherings, holidays, etc. I honestly think it's because his family "smothers" him since he's the only child so all the attention is always on him. He's not spoiled whatsoever and doesn't act like the stereotypical only child...but seeing his relationship with his parents and other family members has always made me want two kids in our own family.
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I'm an only child and hate the idea that someone would feel bad for me because of that. My husband is not an only, but I feel bad for him because his extended family isn't close at all, he isn't close with his brother...
I don't know, I think that no matter what someone's family situation, you could find some reason to feel bad for them.
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@DigAPony: Amen!!
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Well, I always wanted a sibling. I was lonely, and bored. I had a sad childhood, and I wondered often if a sibling would have helped. When my parents repartnered and I got a step sister and a step brother, I was envious of the bond that they had. My sister and I are very close now, and I wish we had grown up together our entire lives. I also see how close my husband and his brother are. I want B to have that kind of bond.
To be honest, though, I see now why people stop. B has just started sleeping through the night, and I see what an enormous difference that makes for my life. She's getting so interesting and has such personality at 13 months, and I'm less and less eager to go back to the newborn stage. If my husband wasn't so gung ho about more babies, and if I didn't love pregnancy so much, I'd probably be happy to call it good with just the one.
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@Mrs. Jacks: "Cousins are great, but brothers and sisters are bonded whether they want to be or not!" That's the reason why DH is concerned about having only one.
But I still don't get it completely. Maybe because I was "kind of" the only child - my bro and I are 8 years apart. I credit my imagination and independence, partly to my being the only child during during those first few years. Still now, I never get bored. I have no worries about her finding friends that she can bond with, and you can never guarantee that siblings get along. Buuut, I only feel this way because I don't have a strong bond with my brother. 8 years is a long time, it's really difficult to relate to each other - I'm more like a parental extension =/
I find this discussion so interesting because DH and I was just talking about this the other day. Right now we're both on the "one and done" camp, but know our opinions might change in a year or two. FYI: we were certain we wanted 2 before we had DD.
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@Crumbs: I get what you are saying too. I have a sister who is 11 years younger than me. I literally moved out of the house when she was 2. (I went to boarding school). I worked really hard to forge a bond with her, but she was a teen when I was in my 20s and it was just a hard gap to bridge.
We've had our times of closeness over a shared like or activity, but mostly have lived separate lives. It wasn't until the last couple of years (she's 30 now), where I've felt that we really get each other and meet on the same level. It's been so neat to discover this amazing person as an adult and I'm so proud of everything she's achieved... But it really took looking at the long road to see the bond in our relationship.
But really, I don't see anything wrong with being an only. I don't believe the generalizations about onlies, by and large. .. And I love my only family members so much. My only point is that the relationships with sibs do evolve over time...
I'm actually really proud of anyone who knows that having one child is right for them, especially in the face of pressure from others. It's ecoconscious and studies have actually shown equal or better outcomes for only children on a variety of measures
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@Mrs. Jacks: I really appreciated your refreshing view on this topic. But then again, I do on all topics.
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@808love: You are too sweet
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@Mrs. Jacks: I always love your thoughtful responses! You sure you don't want to be president one day?
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@Boogs: I could never work that hard... and that's just to get elected :)! But I do know a couple people who threatened to write me in (at least on Facebook...)
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@Mrs. Jacks: Ha well I should have joined them!
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