Background: I typically do not keep secrets from my DH. However, my dad recently shared something with me that he did not want me to share with my husband. The secret has nothing to do with my husband, so for right now I don't see any harm in respecting my dad's wishes.
In my opinion, if you tell one spouse something, you should expect him/her to share it with the SO...
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
A gift, yes. Something else? I would have a hard time with that.
cantaloupe / 6397 posts
Not typically. When someone tells me not to tell someone, I automatically assume they know I'll tell my husband... Maybe that's wrong of me haha. If someone told me something and said not to tell my husband, I'd probably let them know I have an issue with that!
pomelo / 5093 posts
Only if knowing it would put him in an uncomfortable position. Like, last year two of our good friends were going through a divorce. The wife told me that she'd had an affair, and it was literally killing me not to tell my husband because I was so sad and stressed out about it. I didn't want to tell him and put him in the position of having to keep it from the husband, who he is close to. Thankfully it came out soon that the husband already knew and had told my husband, so I didn't have to suffer for long.
Beside situations like that, I don't keep secrets from my husband.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I guess it would depend on the content. There are some things that my husband just doesn't need to know, for example, the amount of my father's pension and how much my mother will get when he passes. All he needs to know is that there will be money and he doesn't have to provide for her. The actual monthly amount wouldn't need to be shared IMO.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I don't keep secrets from him. At the same time, I don't tell him everything under the sun that I was told, esp if it's just personal girl talk that doesn't really "matter".
I think you know best what this secret is and whether your SO would understand later on why you didn't tell him and he will understand your dad's intentions to keep it a secret..
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts
Hmmm, honestly most things I share with my DH, however I would probably respect my dad's wishes as long as it wasn't something that affect me/my husband/my kids. If it was just a family thing he wanted me to keep quiet (say something to do with my grandparents or my mom) I would do as he asked. I will say my dad would never put me in this position, we've had some family drama since the passing of my grandma this summer and he knows that what i know DH will know too, however if he asked me to keep quiet on the sell amount of something i would do so.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
If someone explicitly askes me not to share then I do not. Typically, it's my mom and she just doesn't want my husband knowing every little thing about her life. Some things I don't share no matter how mundane or sensational it is. What's shared between me and friends or family doesn't always need to be discussed or worked through with DH although I don't consider it secret keeping.
pomelo / 5678 posts
I tell him everything. Even in a court of law, it is expected that spouses share, that you don't have to testify against one's spouse...
grapefruit / 4817 posts
If the person asks me not to tell my husband, then I don't. If they don't specifically tell me not to, I assume they know I will. But my word is my word. I'd expect the same from my husband.
grapefruit / 4321 posts
If someone specifically asked me not to share something with my husband I would absolutely respect that unless it was something that was detrimental to my husband in which case I would tell the person straight up that I have to share with my husband. When I tell a married person something I assume they will tell their spouse unless I ask them not to, in which case I would expect them to respect that.
pomelo / 5129 posts
I would agree that I don't keep secrets on purpose, but also don't feel the need to tell him everything.
I don't think I could purposefully keep something from him though. And if someone asked me to keep something from him, I'd probably suggest that they rethink if they really wanted me to know because we're pretty open with each other.
grapefruit / 4187 posts
I would tell DH anything as long as he asked. If someone shares a secret that does not affect him I just won't bring it up. But if he happens to ask about it then I would tell him.
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
If it has something to do with him or I feel like he would be hurt in some way by my not telling him, I tell the person I feel like I need to tell DH. (And this has happened.) But there have been times where I've been asked not to share something with him, and it has nothing to do with him, and I respect that. I wouldn't outright lie if for some reason it came up - I would just tell him the truth that I was asked not to share.
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
@erinpye: Just curious - does this mean after coffee with a girlfriend, you always tell the entire conversation to your husband, even if she shared personal stuff? Or is it just that you would tell him if he ever asked?
pomegranate / 3706 posts
@daniellemybelle: no, that would be ridiculous. I don't feel the need to recount every conversation to my husband, but I would also tell him something if he asked. I am also upfront with anyone who asks me to keep something from him, and tell them I don't do that. (I also tell my children we don't keep secrets in our family, because at their ages, no one should be asking them to keep secrets from their parents.)
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
@erinpye: Got it. That make sense. 
I guess I just wondered if your friend telling you something personal, and choosing not to bring it up with your husband, would be considered "keeping secrets" in your book. But I follow you now.
pomelo / 5573 posts
I pretty much assume that if I tell somebody something, they'll tell their husband (at least if it's interesting/juicy/etc). That being said if somebody asked me NOT to tell him something, and it didn't affect him, I wouldn't tell him, although I'd have a hard time because I'm really really bad with secrets.
honeydew / 7444 posts
If someone told me not to tell DH, I wouldn't tell him. I think it is important to respect your friendships. There is this secret pact DH made with three friends in high school and he still won't tell me!
honeydew / 7444 posts
@erinpye: we tell that to our kids too. We instead use the word "surprise" because surprises are eventually revealed!
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts
I think there is really no reason to expect a spouse to keep things secret. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my dad putting me in that position and probably would have told him so.
ETA: there are times when a friend has shared something private, and it's not like I run right to dh and share her business. I just dont feel comfortable with someone ever saying "don't tell dh" and would not commit to secrecy like that.
grapefruit / 4418 posts
Yes assuming it doesn't involve my husband. My husband and I are very big on privacy and don't believe we should be privvy to everything the other is unless it affects us in some way. I rarelh tell my husband things other people tell me unless they specifically say I can tell him or if I need his advice on how to handle something. I don't really see this as keeping a secret from my husband when it has nothing to do with him. It's simply not sharing other people's news or gossiping. Example - my best friend is pregnant. He has no idea yet. She didn't ask me not to tell him, but it's not my news to share either. If she wanted him to know, she would have told me when we were all together not in private is my thoughts...
nectarine / 2765 posts
@Truth Bombs: you summed up pretty much exactly what I was going to say.
There are things over the years that I have chosen not to share with DH. Personal things about friends/family that I feel may color his opinion of that person and then much bigger things that have been shared in confidence that I will take to my grave.
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
Nope! Everyone knows DH and I share/tell everything to one another, and I do mean EVERYTHING. But they know it doesn't go beyond us two. Plus, DH and I see things differently so hashing it out between us two gives us more insight on things.
hostess / papaya / 10219 posts
No, he knows everything. I would have to tell someone that upfront, if they asked me to keep something from him.
apricot / 343 posts
I don't keep secrets from him and pretty much tell him everything. My good friend is married to his good friend, so those girl convos stay private, so I guess that is the exception!
ETA... I guess it depends on what they wanted me to keep from him. I can't really picture a situation where this would happen besides private girl convos (which I respect!)
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
I don't keep secrets from my husband. I would find it very strange if someone asked me to and I'd let them know that I wasn't comfortable with that.
That said, I obviously don't share every little detail of every little thing that someone has told me. I go out with my girlfriends and we'll talk about whatever and I don't feel like I have to share all those conversations with Hubs. But if he asks, I'll tell him, and my girlfriends know that!
apricot / 363 posts
It's interesting and enlightening to read everyone's responses. Thank you for your point of view!
Right now, I don't feel any obligation to share this with my husband and trust my dad will eventually share it with him once he's ready. Then again, I think I would be annoyed if my DH didn't share everything with me, but I am much better at keeping secrets!
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