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Do you know anyone who is single and intentionally got pregnant?

  1. runsyellowlites

    coconut / 8305 posts

    @meganmp: Since that's a pretty different topic than the op I walled you.

  2. MamaMoose

    GOLD / squash / 13464 posts

    I don't think that someone's lack of relationship success should mean they don't get to be a parent. That being said I don't think ANYONE (no matter relationship status) should have a child before really truly considering everything that comes with that decision.

  3. IRunForFun

    pomelo / 5509 posts

    I'm not sure if I personally know anyone who chose to be a. single mother ahead of time. I do know several single mom's where the father is not in the picture, though.

    I see absolutely nothing wrong with a single woman, who is financially stable and emotionally mature, becoming a single mother if she feels a strong calling to have children. Why should anyone be deprived of the opportunity to be a mother just because she hasn't met the right man?

    Certainly there are many ways to go about it, and being responsible and honest with all parties involved is important.

    She's giving herself 2 years to work things out, and hopefully she will!

  4. IRunForFun

    pomelo / 5509 posts

    @runsyellowlites: What about same sex couples?

    ETA: I see someone already asked that!

  5. mrsjazz

    coconut / 8234 posts

    @runsyellowlites: Both DH and I were raised by single moms. We both missed out on having our dads around and that shaped us as adults and in our thoughts on parenting.

    I wouldn't choose to raise a child on my own solely because of my childhood. But I also believe that families come in all shapes & sizes and as long as the child is loved and supported, everything will be fine. People grow up and have issues whether or not they have one parent or two.

  6. yoursilverlining

    eggplant / 11824 posts

    One of the fastest growing groups of "unwed mothers" are financially stable women over the age of 30, so I imagine if you don't know a woman who chose to have a child without being married/father present, most of us will in a few years.

    I don't think someone needs to wait until they are married, or with someone they think they will be with forever, to have a child. Would all the people on this thread who think it's uber- irresponsible also think it would be equally irresponsible for a single woman to adopt children in foster care?

    I do think your friend needs to go into whatever option she makes with totally open eyes and no rose-colored baby-goggles on. If you guys talk about her feelings, have you been totally upfront about the logistical/financial side of a baby? Does she know how much daycare *actually* costs (vs. guessing). Does she know how much her health insurance premium will go up every month? Would she need to get a bigger home/apartment? Does she know how much formula costs, if she needed to use formula?

    I don't think a mother-father home is the necessarily most ideal - the most ideal is the healthiest, most loving and most stable home, which comes in all sizes, colors and genders.

  7. PurpleUnicorn

    persimmon / 1035 posts

    i don't think I know anyone that intentionally got pregnant while single, but I have a couple of friends that "accidentally" got pregnant while they were with a boyfriend who probably otherwise did not want kids and their relationship was rocky. but that is completely different. I also have a friend who has had her "life plan" for a while and now that she is older and her life didn't go according to plan, I would not be surprised if she went the route of single mom-hood. and I would support her. I also HIGHLY doubt that she would choose to be a single mother with her best male friend's sperm. she would likely do it with an anonymous donor.

  8. sunny

    coconut / 8430 posts

    Option 3 with the friend being a sperm donor just sounds like it could end so badly (and is from the plot of a 90210 storyline). As others have mentioned, there are custody issues to contend with. Even if the friend waives all rights now, since they parents would know each other, the father could later want a relationship or seek out the child. It just sounds so messy. I would definitely do anonymous donation instead of using the friend.

  9. luckypenny

    grapefruit / 4582 posts

    I really don't think it's a bad idea. If she wants to e a mom, she should be a mom no matter what! I personally wouldn't with someone I know but everyone is different.

    And I don't like other people's kids either. I mean, my best friends and I all had babies within weeks of each other and I love them because who their moms are, but I wouldn't want to spend alone time with them or deal with them. Or change their diapers. I don't think that's any indication of how "motherly" someone is.

  10. CupQuakeWalk

    coconut / 8475 posts

    I don't think what she's doing is insane or anything...but, if it were me:

    I don't think I could live with *myself* if I brought a child into this world purposely without a father and with no intent to ever introduce him to his father. I just think that is hurtful on so many levels (emotional, developmental..)

  11. kml636

    pomegranate / 3225 posts

    I see this all the time with girls I work with... they just "stop taking" their pills and "see what happens". I don't get it at all and the sad thing is they don't even think about the poor baby which won't have two stable parents.

  12. runsyellowlites

    coconut / 8305 posts

    @yoursilverlining: Since I'm the only one who strongly voiced thinking it irresponsible I'll give my thoughts on the scenario of a single women adopting or fostering a child.... I think it would be wonderful !

    1. The woman did not purposely *create* the child knowing the environment would be less than ideal (lacking a mother/father).

    and

    2. A child in the home of someone who chose them & loves them, even if not perfect (in this scenario being a mother/father home), is far better than being in the system where ultimately they are just another face/number & in many cases endure even more abuse.

    Since you brought the option up, I wonder if the woman the OP is talking about would ever consider such avenue.... I mean she wants to be a mother, how about take a child out of the lesser ideal situation rather than create one in it?

  13. yellowbird

    honeydew / 7303 posts

    Hmmm.. if I were in her shoes and I didn't think I was going to find the right life partner, I would hope I wouldn't be denied the possibilty of becoming a mom. What a lonely life!

  14. yellowbird

    honeydew / 7303 posts

    @runsyellowlites: I don't really see why this is a less than ideal situation. I would venture to say a large margin of two parent households are less than ideal. Why deny a woman her own biological child because it isn't ideal in someone else's eyes!?

  15. MsLipGloss

    GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts

    The only thing that I really have an issue with is the woman not telling someone she was having sex with that she was not on the pill, i.e., if she deceived someone into becoming a donor (if that makes sense).

    Otherwise, I don't see this as an *irresponsible* choice at all . . . We all know that being a parent is harder than we ever imagined, but also so much better than we ever imagined, and that it is something she would have to discover regardless of her relationship status. But she deserves the chance to be a parent.

  16. MsLipGloss

    GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts

    @runsyellowlites: Your logic doesn't track . . . why would it be any different to take a child from, say, a foster environment, instead of her having her own child? By your analysis, it should only be possible for a couple to adopt the child . . . if her circumstances don't make for a good parent, then she shouldn't *be* a parent in either situation, i.e, it would be the same environment for both children (the adoptee or the bio kid).

    I just can't get behind that . . . it's moral relativism.

  17. runsyellowlites

    coconut / 8305 posts

    @yellowbird: Well, I don't think it's possible for a mother to provide the aspects that a father brings to a parenting situation so I don't think it could be considered "ideal" to create a child in such a situation.

    As for 2 parent households that also don't provide the best situation for a child, I would hope that both parents would take the opportunity to grow & be the best mother/father combo they could be.

    And really she can do whatever she wants, having been a damn good single mom myself though I think it's absurd, irresponsible, & selfish for someone to choose to do that... and I really don't think there are many here in this community that have the experience to comment on the behalf of parenting in said situation. I just feel very strongly that a child deserves both a loving mother & loving father in their life more than *I* deserve to be a mother.

    @MsLipGloss: I guess because I'm looking at it still being better for the child in the foster system having a better environment in a single parent home than where they are... and that there aren't enough mother/father couples adopting to be able to provide that for the children already there. If we're talking about children staying in the foster system or being adopted into 1 parent homes I think it's obvious what the better choice would be... creating a child for that home situation is so much different than taking one already here & giving them a better life than they could have otherwise. As DH said it's like comparing the MLB to the minors.. same sport, different ball game.

    Of course people do as they please & I'm sure if I knew a mom that chose such path I would ultimately come to see her as the great mom she becomes just like I do with my other single mom friends... I'd also still think it's sad they don't have their father in their life too though.

  18. mamimami

    grapefruit / 4120 posts

    @MsLipGloss: totally not moral relativism... It's creating a child vs. helping a child who's already on this earth but has need. But I'll let @runsyellowlites answer instead of butting in further

    @Mediagirl I don't think it's an ideal situation but the one person I knew who did this was a very stable, mature person. For some reason when you describe how your friend described her "life plan," something made me feel she may not have both feet on the ground. Maybe the hopes for the ex? I don't know. Anyway I don't know her, just basing it on what you say.

  19. MsLipGloss

    GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts

    @runsyellowlites: But that's my point. Under your reasoning, the better choice would be a two parent home (of any type) instead of a single parent home. That's a HUGE assumption to make, notwithstanding layering your own set of morals on top of that . . . A good home is a good home. Period. You have to own your logic, and realize that it produces inconsistent results through its application, i.e., a good enough home for a foster kiddo is not a good enough home for a bio kiddo . . .

    The only thing that is absurd, irresponsible, and selfish is imposing a set of personal moral values (that are NOT universally shared) that would eliminate someone's chance to be a mother (ETA: or to only be a mother under terms you deem appropriate, i.e., she can be a mother to a foster kiddo, but not to a bio kiddo). You certainly don't have to concede that it is an ideal situation, that's your prerogative, but using words like irresponsible, absurd, and selfish is just downright narrow-minded and completely void of any compassion.

  20. MsLipGloss

    GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts

    @mamimami: Yeah, it really is.

  21. yellowbird

    honeydew / 7303 posts

    I guess I see it as the difference between existing and not existing. That's the situation that created the child and just because the father figure would not be a part of the picture, my opinion is existing is better than nothing! I guess I just see it as a mom who has unending love for her bio child. Ive never thought of an adoption so maybe I am incapable of imagining that love, too.

  22. yellowbird

    honeydew / 7303 posts

    @MsLipGloss:

  23. mrbee

    admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

    Charlie has a bunch of friends with two moms, and the kids are doing great and are really thriving!

    If you're a kid and you have parents that love you... that's pretty lucky in my book.

  24. Mrs. Train

    blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts

    "She obviously doesn't have a true love for children." I could not disagree with you more. Maybe she wants a child so badly that being around other people's kids is a painful reminder of what she doesn't have?

    The only thing I think that would be irresponsible would be to trick her boyfriend by stopping birth control. That is irresponsible because then the father was not in on the planning of the pregnancy.

    I think if she wanted to get pregnant by a friend or a donor its perfectly fine. There are not custody issues if she takes the proper precautions. My best friend and her wife are using a close friend as the donor. They had a lawyer write up a contract that takes away all parental rights and obligations just the same way that donors at a sperm bank sign away their rights.

    I have also known some single moms who have adopted (our kids pediatrician was a single adoptive mama) and they are awesome!!!!

  25. MamaG

    pomelo / 5298 posts

    I was in these shoes once. In my 30s and confident in my singledom. I looked at adoption somewhat casually as none of the three options listed were ones I'd consider. In my casual research at the time, adoption as a single woman was going to be tough. Sperm bank also crossed my mind. I didn't want to be deprived a child just because of lacking a spouse.

    My life changed and I'm thankful to have a DH and LO. I applaud this woman and hope she has been rational in her plans

  26. yoursilverlining

    eggplant / 11824 posts

    @runsyellowlites: Thank you for answering my question honestly!

    I do think (if I'm being honest) its incredibly hurtful, and showing, for your DH to refer to only-theoretical, but biological children as "the MLB" while referring to ACTUAL children as "the minors". It puts the importance of personhood on conception versus actuality. The only difference between getting pregnant and having a child out of wedlock versus adopting one is carrying that child to term.

    If parental creation deems one deserving of a "better" standard of parent than another, which is exactly what your husband, and you, have suggested - well, that isn't an opinion I can agree with.

    So, I agree with @MsLipGloss; it totally is moral relativism.

  27. runsyellowlites

    coconut / 8305 posts

    @yoursilverlining: Your welcome.

    In defense of DH I can promise he didn't think of it to a point of assigning either child a lesser or more important option. It really was just simply pointing out that while we're talking about parenting, the two situations aren't really comparable.

  28. deerylou

    pomegranate / 3003 posts

    I've gotta admit, I'm with @yoursilverlining: and @MsLipGloss:

    Personally, it makes my heart hurt and my eyes roll when certain family units are described as inferior, irresponsible, or lesser than, simply based on the individual(s) that head the household. Granted, I was raised by my married mother and father, and DD is being raised by my husband and I. However, as an educator, I work so diligently conveying to my students that *every* house is a home. To assume or present otherwise, in my eyes, perpetuates prejudice, and works to make an already uneasy child even more uncertain about their non-traditional (but perfectly acceptable, and awesome) home life.

    Why is a single parent home a-okay for a foster child, but not for a biological one? To me, that makes very little sense, and presents one child as more "worthy" of a certain, more ideal type of family.

    To me, having a child out of wedlock, with someone of the same sex, or entirely on your own isn't irresponsible, on its own. What's irresponsible is knowingly bringing children into a home of instability, bitterness, and financial ruin. Many married, mother/father couples do just that, hardly making for a more ideal upbringing.

  29. skibobrown

    pomegranate / 3388 posts

    I know one woman (although not particularly well) who decided to go this route. I don't know who the sperm donor was, so he may or may not have been anonymous. She ultimately lost the baby. I'm pretty hazy on all of the details, but in the end she met a man who she fell in love with, got married, and they adopted a beautiful baby girl. I'm so happy for her that she got her take home baby in the end, and I would have been equally thrilled for her if the pregnancy as a single mom had worked out.

  30. Pink Champagne

    clementine / 943 posts

    @MsLipGloss: like x 1,000!!

    There is no reason why someone who is financially stable enough to support a child and emotionally prepared to do so should not have the chance to raise her own biological child. I won't even go into the comment about how it's ok for a single mom to adopt, but not have her own child, because that argument is just illogical and I think MsLipGloss addressed that to a "t".
    And I 100% agree that it is best for a child to be in a loving, stable home, whether that be single mom, single dad, a mom and dad, two moms or two dads. The notion that a child needs a mother and a father to have an appropriate upbringing is a rather old fashioned and one-dimensional way of looking at things. Time to look to the future, and like it or not, parents and families come in more versions than mom + dad + 2.5 kids and a golden retriever.
    And absolutely, a little boy being raised by two moms will grow and thrive and be perfectly normal once he reaches adulthood. The whole "it's not the same" argument is just so tired and a bit sad, really. Women can teach little boys to be good men, throw a baseball, drive a car and build a birdhouse just as well as any daddy.

  31. Sophia

    apricot / 432 posts

    Maybe she doesn't show interest in your kids or your friend's kids because it is too hard for her since she so badly wants one of her own? I really don't think it means she obviously does not love children.

  32. lawbee11

    GOLD / watermelon / 14076 posts

    @deerylou: I agree with you 100%.

  33. Foodnerd81

    wonderful cherry / 21504 posts

    I don't know anyone personally who has done this, but like someone else said, give it a few years. Personally, I wouldn't do it, largely because I flat out could not afford it, but also I don't think I could handle it emotionally.

    I don't think it's irresponsible though-- if someone really thinks everything out and goes into it with her eyes open and has the support that she needs (financial, emotional) good for her. That certainly seems like a better home for a baby than many that you see the 'old fashioned way'. And intentionally getting pregnant, either anon sperm donor or with her best friend, is so much better than 'forgetting to take the pill'.

  34. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    I don't understand the whole MLB/minors thing...unless it is supposed to mean that parenting your bio kid is the MLB and parenting a non bio kid is the minors? What does that even mean?

    Also, I think it's ridiculous to assign specific roles to mothers and fathers outside of their biological role when it comes to parenting. I mean, look, there are a lot more stay at home dads these days and moms that are going to work and bringing home the bacon.

  35. dc yoga bee

    grapefruit / 4770 posts

    @deerylou: This x 1000!

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