http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5916064?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592
Do you prioritize parenting or your marriage/relationship with SO? Why?
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I agree with this article!
My priorities are
-Myself
-Marriage
-LOIt's not as selfish as it sounds, but it's what is necessary for me and our family to run smoothly. If I don't take care of myself I don't have any motivation to take care of others. If i'm frustrated and tired then everyone gets affected by that. So I take care of my needs first. (Important things though, I'm not prioritizing going to get a mani/pedi over LO!)
In order for me to be a good wife, I have to prioritize DH/our relationship/friendship next. If I ignore him/his needs/us then the whole dynamic of the house suffers. If DH and I are in a fight then the whole tension of the house is uncomfortable and it gets taken out on LO. So happy wife = happy life in our house haha
Last, but not least is LO. By me being happy and DH and I getting along we are both at our best selves and able to properly care for LO and give him the attention that he needs. By prioritizing him "last" we ensure that he's actually getting taken care of the best. It sounds weird, but it makes sense and works for us. If I put LO first then I would be a mess, DH and I wouldn't get along or be wanting to work together as a team so then LO would suffer.
Ok, that was a lot more rambly than I meant it to be but you get it.
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Although baby isn't here yet, I do think about this very topic. I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in providing for your LO to the detriment of everything else, but I want to remember that after she is grown and gone it will still be me and DH so that relationship needs to be fostered as well.
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@MrsTiz: I'm curious if you have any examples of what your prioritizing means in day to day life? I feel like for me the squeaky wheel get the grease so I'm constantly putting DS first, then DH, and then myself at the bottom.
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@MrsTiz: @ShootingStar: I wonder about this too. I want to prioritize my marriage, but don't think I'm doing a good job. How do you practically put marriage first with a demanding baby to care for??
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I agree with the article, but I've found it difficult to put into practice. LO is 14 months old and a lot of the time she does come before DH because, well, she's a baby and can't take care of herself whereas DH is a grown man. We've been trying to do more "us" stuff, but in the daily grind it's hard to make time for that. Definitely something we need to work on. That being said, this is one of the reasons we're not having anymore children. I'm already spread thin enough and I think our marriage would suffer if we added anymore LOs to the mix.
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@MrsTiz: I love what you wrote, our little one isn't here yet so it's hard to know how things will work out in practice but I think you're sentiment makes a lot of sense. I have worked with a lot of families and it's amazing how much the whole family suffers when things aren't in balance between individual parents needs, the parents' relationship and the kids needs. I am sure there is an element of things coming in seasons too- I would think the bigger fish is to have a balance over time.
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I think it depends on the day. Day to day, LO needs more attention since she can't cook her own meals, change her diaper, bath herself, etc. But there are days where DH and I make it a priority to do things for ourselves and our marriage (date nights, getting together with friends, resulting in a later bedtime, etc.).
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Marriage then child. My parents did the opposite and I am very sure that is why they are divorced.
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@ShootingStar: Priorities for me are probably a lot less maintenance than others may have, but "taking care of me" means (for me) that I remember to take my medicines, basic grooming things like showers and whatnot. If I need a minute, I take it. I'll put LO in his crib and step outside to breathe, I know my limits with patience and I make sure I don't push them to my breaking point. If I need to let LO watch a few minutes of a movie so I can do whatever I need to, I don't feel guilty about it. If I am about to snap, I'll call up my mom or send LO with DH so I can have a few hours of me-time to decompress.
@Leah: Putting DH first doesn't come first in order of our day necessarily. For example, LO goes to bed at 7. From 7-10 is DH and I time..we watch a movie, talk, cook dinner together, play a game, whatever. No phones after 8, and then we make sure to have a little "alone" time every day if you catch my drift. Sure, when LO's awake I have to focus on him because he needs me.. but that doesn't mean that I have to ignore DH. I can still talk to DH like he's my husband/friend and joke around with him while LO's on my hip..it's not always about LO being the center of attention. We play with him together and flirt and try and be relatively decent to each other all while taking care of LO. We're not only Mom/Dad when he's awake. We're still husband and wife. I've noticed a lot of parents are strictly parents around LO. It's all business, where mom is taking care of LO while dad does XYZ or dad's watching LO so mom can clean and they only talk to/about LO and upcoming LO things. We don't let LO interfere with our daily lives, we let him add to it. We go out to lunch, go on walks, do things we used to do..we just have someone else coming along with us now.
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@MrsTiz: Agreed completely. I think that this is healthy and not even close to selfish.
For us in terms of implementing our priorities, it means boundaries more than anything - we prioritize date nights, strict bedtimes to we can have some adult time we also 'take over' for one another now and again so that we can each have alone time to run or go out and do something for ourselves. If we don't do these things, we have nothing left to give each other or ourselves and everyone suffers - including LO who gets sane parents because of these things!My parents 'parented' like this and their marriage always felt so secure to me, the idea of divorce or anything like that was akin to moving to Pluto, I want LO to feel that same security so it benefits him too.
From another perspective though, I think that my Mom didn't put herself first (it was marriage and then us adn then herself - way down the list!) and I grew up with a sometimes depressed mom - as kids do, I often thought it was my fault - it also made me value myself less as she valued herself less, I was well into adulthood before I was able to get past that thought process. So for me I am very careful what I model for my LO and I want to teach him to value himself above all, and I can only do that by modeling that, and that, to me, is not selfish.
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@Aimed: Your last paragraph is exactly why I take care of myself first. I have a long history of depression and when LO was first born my priorities were LO and LO only. That meant I was ignoring what I knew was going on, I was depressed and anxious and I was seriously losing my mind. I had to take a step back, get the help (& drugs!) I knew I needed and make sure to keep up with it. Just that alone has been a game changer for all of us. Love your last sentence!
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@ShootingStar: @lawbee11: hahaha this! I tried to put DH first, but it's not working very well because DS still can't do a lot for himself. And even when he can, he'll be a "squeaky wheel". We can eat dinner together as long as B is eating, but when he decides he's done, I can't sit at the table any more
Going out together is getting easier, but you still have to keep both eyes and a hand on the kid so he doesn't get in trouble... not much opportunity to relax and just talk.The bit about "we think we can press pause on the soulmate narrative" really struck me. No, I don't think you can! It's just so hard to figure out how to make everyone feel loved and noticed at the same time. Maybe it was easier when lots of people lived with grandparents... don't know.
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@MrsTiz: That's funny, we actually do a lot of the same things and I never really thought about it that way.
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Parenting has been my priority to our marriages determent. We are now working on it to make our marriage a priority again.
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I think what some people might not get is that putting your spouse first does not equal ignoring your children. As an example, I'm not going to not feed DS and leave him at home so that DH and I can go out to dinner alone. I'm going to get a babysitter and get him all set up so that DH and I can have a night out. It's the same with putting myself first. If going to a work out class means that I miss bedtime one night a week, that's ok.
My MIL always put her kids first above everything. And I think that deteriorated her marriage and her health. But that's a whole discussion for another day.
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@ShootingStar:
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I think right now LO's needs come first because she's so little and she's had some issues and thats just sort of how its had to be. But I think that overall I prioritize my marriage. We definitely make decisions based on what is good for us as a family and a huge part of that is happy parents (and parents aren't happy unless our marriage is good).
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@MrsTiz: Agree with everything you wrote! It's so refreshing to see someone (else) put themselves first. Too often women especially end up putting themselves last (and a far down last), I think in part because that's what we're often told we need to do in order to be "good mothers" and "good wives". I think it's really healthy and unselfish to put yourself first in the sense you're talking about. I put myself first too because I can't properly care for anyone else at 100% of my ability unless I am 100% first.
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@MrsTiz: Good for you, that is a great, responsible decision that your LO would thank you for!
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Whether rightly or wrongly, LO comes first every time and always will.
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In theory yes, I agree, but at this exact moment in time, once I've taken care of everyone's absolute neccessities (making dinner, for example), the only thing I have time (and energy) for is sleep.
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I believe the biggest gift i can give my children is the opportunity to grow up with parents who have a strong relationship. To me this means making our marriage the bigger priority.
I think this is much much harder to do when kids are very young and very dependent. But for us, this means lo sleeps in his own room and never our bed, and that we make a point to spend time together without him when we can. And when we do we dont have to always talk about him...we talk about other interests and spend time doing things we enjoy that are not parenting related.
I think mostly it just requires being a united team (no, "ok, but dont tell your dad" nonsense) as parents, and making time for each other to the greatest extent possible.
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DH and I both agree that our kids come first. It doesn't mean that we neglect our relationship, but at this point in time, their needs come before ours. And we are completely ok with that.
We have the rare date night, but we enjoy spending most of our time together as a family. DH works a shift schedule, so the time we are all together is precious.
I do have to say that my personal needs are probably last on the list with a 2 year old and 4 month old. But I know that won't always be the case. I was single and kidless for a long time, so I had plenty of "me" time. I'll get there again, but for now I'm happy if I get sleep!
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@Mamasig: this is exactly what it's like for us. They won't be small forever and family time is going to. come first until our circumstances change (diff hours for DH or moving near family etc).
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DD is 7 months old so she is definitely the priority. I try to be an attentive wife, but I'm not doing the greatest job at the moment. It's hard to find time for everything as a working mom. I'm sure it will get easier as DD gets older and we all get some more sleep. I wholeheartedly agree that making marriage a priority is important for the happiness of the entire family.
I get what the article is saying but the scenarios it laid out didn't really ring true for me/the people in my circle. For one, none of us really talk bad about our spouses and no one has an issue talking honestly about their kids. As for the love thing. I can't even compare the two, they are such different loves. I love my husband in a way that is much different than the way I love my child or my parents, etc. It's like comparing apples to oranges so I couldn't rank who I love most.
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I would say overall, my marriage comes first, however LO's immediate needs come before pretty much anything. If the baby needs something, her needs come first. However, the needs of my entire family unit take center stage in the overall arch of things. (Does this make sense?) I think in the grand scheme of everything, this will bring the best for my marriage and my daughter.
This will also evolve as LO gets older and becomes more and more self-sufficient, but right now she is only a month old and obviously needs me an awful lot. I would say currently she even comes before my own needs, as I forgo showering, sleep and end up eating only bits and pieces here and there because of her lol.
Everything is working together for the good of our family. Both DH and I have goals that mesh together and include the future of our child. It all just working together towards the greatest good.
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I don't think anything has to come first. I think there should be a balance between taking care of myself, my marriage, and my son. Do I always find the perfect balance? No way. And that's ok. But I try to nurture each part and that's what is important. I also think that relationships are meant to change and develop over time.
Also, the who do I love more thing is tricky. The love I have for my son is completely different than any other love. He is part of me.
Curious: if there was a catastrophic event and you could only save your spouse or your child(ren) which would you pick?
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Love this thread and the article even though we are not TTC yet. Thank you for sharing everyone!
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@mrs. tictactoe: oh! Almost felt nauseas reading that question! That's far from an easy decision for me. Either choice would be utterly heartbreaking! So nauseas!
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@Leah: I know. The more I think, the more I keep switching my answer.
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@mrs. tictactoe: me too. I almost typed that I'd pick my husband, then deleted, chose my son, then deleted. I pray I'm never in that situation. My husband said he'd pick me, no debate about it.
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@mrs. tictactoe: I love my spouse and my family. But if I had to choose, I would pick my children without a doubt. And I'm pretty positive he would do the same. Now, there is no way I could pick between my sons. I would die trying to save both!
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@mrs. tictactoe: I would chose my child. It wouldn't be easy, but my rationale is my husband is an adult who has a better chance of being able to save himself in a situation. My child does not. Also, my responsibilities to my husband are much different than my responsibilities to my child. It is my primary responsibility to protect and keep my baby safe and healthy. That isn't necessarily my primary responsibility to my husband.
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@catomd00: I like your reasoning. I'd kill my husband myself if he'd save me instead of our boys!
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At first I also thought I would pick my son - actually, I think my instinct as a mother would make me do it without thinking - but when I think more, if I saved my husband, we could have more children. Not that my son is replaceable, but... I don't know. I'd pick my son, I'm sure.
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DH and I just had a discussion about this last weekend. Basically, we both thought that most of our intimate life has been put on the back burner. It was kind of like we were best friends raising two children. We both love each other of course, but somewhere we just kind went through the motions. We have now made it a conscious effort to make time for each other and prioritize our marriage. Kids will always be a priority because they HAVE to be, where as a marriage is so easy to assume all is good until it's too late.
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I have long said I come first. Without a healthy self, there is nothing else. Granted, I have let some things slide, but I am working on getting back on track.
I don't choose between my son or my husband, we all help each other take care of each other. My son is now beginning to contribute to the family in a meaningful way, like setting the table, and we talk about how that helps the family, not just me.
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Didn't read the article. But it totally depends. Like right now we have a newborn so the needs of her and big sister take precedent!
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@mrs. tictactoe: Definitely my daughter. I hope DH would say the same, and I'm pretty sure he would.
Going out together is getting easier, but you still have to keep both eyes and a hand on the kid so he doesn't get in trouble... not much opportunity to relax and just talk.Subscribe to our newsletter
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