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My priorities are my relationship with God, my relationship with DH, then our kids, then everyone/thing else. We believe the best way to love our kids is to love each other and give them a stable home. And the best way to preserve our individual peace and sanity is to be in a loving supportive relationship with each other, rooted in God. I mean, I still have to do life with DH for several decades after the kids are gone so it just makes sense.
It shapes our parenting decisions in interesting ways. For instance LO is almost 4 weeks old. The first 2 weeks my milk wasn't totally in and he was clusterfeeding and had weight issues and I didn't want to introduce a bottle for 3 weeks and etc etc. I wasn't sleeping bc I was nursing around the clock and I wasn't seeing my husband because he had no paternity leave and he had to sleep because he has a 150 mile commute and it was miserable. I was crying all the time. Then I sat and prayed about it and talked to DH and we decided that EBFing at the expense of my sleep and sanity and time spent together ( if nothing other than sleeping in the same bed for 2 hours) was not what was best for our marriage. EBFing may be arguably best for my child but not for our family as a unit and our relationship. So I introduced bottles early, used pumped milk or formula for one or two night feeds or to take a break from 5 hour clusterfeed sessions and it has made my life and our marriage better. I get some snuggle time with DH and catch up on our day and most nights get to fall asleep together.
We are working on what caring for our marriage means in the context of a newborn everyday but right now it's mostly trying to be more proactively thoughtful and anticipatory of each other's needs. I pack a weeks worth of sandwiches for DHs lunches and keep up with laundry and he takes out the trash and unloads the dishwasher or replaces the water jug on our water machine before he leaves in the morning so I don't have to worry about it. It's little things like that to show that we still prioritize each other in the middle of this chaos.
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I wish I could say I put myself and my marriage first. We try very hard, have date nights, check in during the day, etc., but toddler twins are fun and exhausting. And loud. They tend to come first because it's hard to figure out how they wouldn't...
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I think it's refreshing to be reminded that your marriage is important especially when you are in the trenches with your kids needing you so much when they are young.
I read a lot of relationship / marriage books and one the key points is never let your marriage slide in favor your job or kids. Jobs and Kids will come and go (aka kids will move out and have their own lives eventually). Your marriage is the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with and you need remember that.
In saying this... everyone does let their marriage slide once in a while... you just need to remember that you need to crave out time for your SO when possible.
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I try my best to balance it all out. LO's immediate needs will always come first (hurt, scared, hungry, etc) but I still try to carve out time for myself on the weekends and me and DH try to have a date night every few months, but every weekend we do something special at home after LO goes to sleep. Some areas lack more than others sometimes, but when I feel that either DH or my needs are being neglected, then I try to make more of an effort to get things back on track.
@mrs. tictactoe: without hesitation I would save my daughter. I can't even fathom not saving my child over my husband. Not that I don't love him, because I do with all my heart, but the fact of the matter is I physically would be able to live without him, even though it would rip me to shreds. I could not live without my LO. My DH would save her over me as well and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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I have had such a weird reaction to this article. I remember when this lady was on Oprah and even as a teen thinking she was right and I would definitely be that way. Fast forward to having a 5 month old daughter and I'm shocked by the physical intensity of my feelings for her. My husband is a full-time student who isn't always super available, so maybe it's temporary? It's frightening how easy it could be to become what I never thought I would be.
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My DH, my LO, my home, me. This is what I have printed out and posted on my fridge:
My Husband
I want to be a supportive, life-giving wife who brings help, comfort, and companionship to [my DH]; I want to be his biggest fan and his best friend. I need to be a soft place where he can land when his long day is over. My words and actions need to illustrate that our marriage comes first before anything else, even our child (which in turn will be the greatest gift we can give to [my LO], as she will grow up knowing that her parents have a strong, loving relationship).My work-in-progress goal: Respond to him lovingly and intimately. Make an effort to serve him so that I may in turn be served. Be careful not to nag or complain about things outside my control. Show respect.
My Child
I want to raise an adult who is compassionate, self-disciplined and independent. These are qualities I can foster even during infancy. I want to nurture LO as a beloved member of our close-knit family, without making the mistake of making her the center of our family. I must remind myself of the difference between love and sentiment; love requires doing things that may be difficult in the short-term for the other person’s overall benefit, while sentimentality only fulfills an emotional void in myself without putting LO’s needs first. My motto is “freedom within boundaries” and I want to say yes as often as I can, while at the same time challenging her intellectually and developmentally so as to teach her self-control.My work-in-progress goal: Work hard at getting our home in order so that I can provide the time and space to spend time with LO without worrying about other things. Gain control of my schedule so that I have time to plan activities with her that go beyond the daily routine. Embrace each season of life fully without rushing ahead.
My Home
I want a home that is warm, comforting and peaceful. I want a place where my child feels secure and mentally stimulated, where my husband has a haven, where people can show up unexpectedly and make themselves at home. I want to take pride in running a simple, clean, and functional household.My work-in-progress goal: Work hard, put off laziness, and put my family before myself. When I’m feeling listless or agitated, clean something. Stick to my schedule until it becomes habit. Practice minimalism. If something isn’t truly functional or making my home beautiful, get rid of it.
Myself
I want to carve out time to sharpen my skills and enjoy my hobbies. I’m putting this last not because I don’t think it’s important to develop myself as a person, but because I believe the other things come first (and it’s so easy to put yourself first subconsciously in day-to-day life). Plus, I will be able to enjoy “my time” more if everything else in my life is in order.My work-in-progress goal: Take time for the things I enjoy. Always be listening to an audiobook. Read a book before bed. Take up piano or knitting again. Write. Take more pictures. Don’t fall into the trap of saying, “I don’t have time” or “I’m too busy,” because in truth, we make time for the things that are important to us. Spend less time online and limit television to a maximum of one hour per day.
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@MrsTiz: 100% agree!!
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@TheReelDeal: I'm in the same boat, baby isn't here yet but I will are it a priority to make my marriage (and myself) a priority. Of course her needs will be taken care of but when she moves on with her life I don't want to be a shell of a person/couple that I see so many parents become as they age. My parents are included in this, unfortunately.
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This is just me thinking out loud but do you think that guys think about this stuff?
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I loved that article and I'm the first person to say that my LO can be a massive PITA at times!! But as far as prioritising goes, in practice my priorities look like this:
- work
- LO
- house
- myself
- DHI certainly don't think this is the right way to be and it isn't doing us any favours but I just serve he who shouts loudest.
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@Skadi: this is awesome! I love it and I think I really need something like this to help me focus. I have been working on getting my home streamlined too. I need things to work like a well oiled machine. We decluttered and I got rid off almost half of all my clothes. Still a lot to do!
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I didn't really understand the article. Or maybe it's for parents of older kids. But my husband and I are adults so we deal a bit better at hungry, tired, hyper than babies do. He doesn't have as many needs as my kids and I love him for that. We make time for each other and ourselves but I'd feel like I was babying him if I said he was my priority over my children. We support each other and try to work with what's best for our family, no one person has first priority.
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Since I've become a mom, I've really started to dislike these articles.
No one HAS to choose between their spouse in their children. The premise that everyone has to make this choice is a lie, but one that our society spends a lot of time perpetuating. Being a parent, and a spouse, and a worker just means that you are constantly juggling all of those things.
Almost everyone on this board is saying the exact same thing---they take care of their children's needs and still have date nights and still make sure to eat, and shower, exercise, and what not. But some people are saying this is prioritizing their children while others are saying this is prioritizing themselves, and the rest are saying this is prioritizing their relationships.
In reality, all of these are prioritized, along with work and keeping house. It's just that the percentages change in different stages of life and parenting.
It's all okay. As long as you don't spend months/years putting the same people at the bottom of the list (your spouse, your self, your child) then it's likely your relationship with them will be fine. I mean, I just personally think that if someone spends the first 18 years of their child's life putting their child's wants and needs last on the list, they probably aren't going to have a great relationship with their kid. I've seen parents like that--they are downright neglectful. I also think putting your spouse last, or your self last for 18 years is going to have pretty disastrous consequences.
For me personally, I would never say I have a particular order of priorities that I constantly stick to, 100 % always. My priorities flex depending on the time of day and day of the week, and year. I suspect most people are the same.
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@Skadi: I love this. My biggest hardship is I want so so desperately to serve my DH with gentleness & a happy heart but no matter how many times I try I have yet to find a way to explain to him that I need the same thing in return from him for it to work. I end up getting resentful & I don't want to do nice things for him anymore & it makes me sad. Definitely something I should show him/we should discuss & work on!
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It ebbs and flows in our house. Sometimes E's needs are higher and sometimes we step back and take time for ourselves. Everyone is fed and clothed so the basics are taken care of. I'm really good about taking care of myself, though, because it has the most profound impact on my husband, my daughter, and our house. It's painfully obvious while I'm pregnant and not on top of my game....sometimes I can't help but feel like the main cog in the wheel.
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