I tend to think more highly of parents of 3+. As we've settled into having 2 and being happy with 2 I've had to accept that I won't be the "big family" mom with the big brood. In the rural south big families are a cultural ideal. But for many reasons I I just don't envision us with three (unless we adopt when our other two are older) so I've started trying to see the big family thing as more of a choice and less like a mandate/ideal scenario.
-
Not really. It takes more work/organization but I think all parents are equal on this front. There are benefits to every family size. But I think you are right about it being cultural. Most families have 1-2 kids in the NW. 3 is big and 4+ is unusual. But my cousin has 5 and she rocks it.
-
I live in the rural south too, and it's never crossed my mind! Almost everyone I know has two.
-
No. we're sticking with one and I don't think of any parents differently.
-
@babypugs: yay a rural south person! I live in a pretty conservative town in in GA. In my hometown it isn't as much of a cultural ideal though I think.
-
Uh, absolutely not.
-
@Mrs. Sketchbook: I'm from right outside Augusta, GA, and never thought about it this way actually. Growing up, most families were 2, maybe 3. So, if I knew anyone with 4+ kids it was like wow! The lady who owns the pure barre studio where I live has 5 boys and a 6th on the way. I am in awe, but I don't think more "highly" of her I don't think!
-
I think highly of parents who love their children and actively try to be good parents. Number of children has nothing to do with it.
-
No.
-
I don't know that I think more highly of them, but I'm certainly in awe of them. I find two challenging!
-
When I see parents managing a large family with ease, I'm always blown away!
-
Definitely no. I'm amazed by them but don't think more highly. It's my common here at all.
-
I think I do, I just think, all else being equal, if I got differing advice from a Mom of 5 vs a Mom of 1, I would weigh the advice of the bigger family more more highly, if that makes sense. Like I would value their opinion a bit more, which means I must think more highly of them.
-
No.
-
No- I think there is something mentally wrong with them :). I have 2 and that's enough chaos for me!
-
No. if anything I find the opposite. I often see parents who don't seem to be able to emotionally or financially provide for the number of kids they have.
-
Eh...maybe because I grew up as the 5th of 6 kids, in an extended family where having a lot of kids is fairly normal...but no, I don't hold families with more kids in higher regard. I think my parents were really good parents, but I definitely think it was at the expense of a lot of things I would like to have in my own life/marriage.
-
Not even a little bit. Parents of multiple children can suck as much as a parent of one child can suck. In my opinion, the number of kids doesn't make you a better parent. At all. Ha.
-
Not really, but it warms my heart when I see families that have a mix of biological and adopted children.
-
I'm going to be the minority vote and say yes. It's not that I think that someone with one or two children is less of a parent, but I appreciate that parents of larger families have more experience. They've spent three or four times as long in each stage, and they're more likely to have addressed a wider range of challenges and personalities. I would give more weight to their advice.
-
No, I came from a family of 6 and my parents came from even larger families. Big families are just normal to me.
I think I would ask any veteran parent for advice, regardless of the number of kids they have!
-
@dc yoga bee: I want to know where you're from. I'm from the same area!
No, I don't.
-
I think I tend to go the opposite... feeling like smaller families are less taxing on our planet. But it's a vague feeling, if it's there at all. I'm mostly too focused on my own pair of rambunctious littles to think too much about other families!
-
I know it takes a lot of work so I'm always impressed with their ability to handle it all. But I have no interest in more than 2!
-
No, I think they've lost their mind.
-
Yes and no... We don't have many friends with kids. We are fairly close with three families: one is one and done, one has three boys and they're done, one has 3 kids and fourth on the way. The mom of just one is the most neurotic and overly worried mom. They do a lot of stuff that I disagree with, but I didn't know how we would be when we had kids, so I don't judge. But the other two families are so much more relaxing and easy to be around because they're much more laid back parents. I think having more than one makes you less likely to sweat the small stuff and I really appreciate parents like that.
-
Yes, but more in awe, not as an ideal. Some days I can barely manage my one
-
I don't at all but sometimes I perceive parents look down on me that I only have one. The word 'only' or 'just one' implies it is somehow lesser. That may be in my head but it is a general vibe I get often. I don't agree with that thinking that more is better.
-
No. I look for parents that have children past the age of mine, those are the ones that give the best advice, no matter how many of then. I mean, sure, you can have 3 kids under the age of 5, but if none of them is in kindergarten, what are you going to tell me about that?
I think it's all relative to age of kids, more so that number of them.
-
@808love: yes, I agree with this. I have heard someone say IRL that if you only have one you're not even a "real" parent because one is so easy 🙄
-
@SweetiePie: @808love: it's all about perspective. I often feel that people with just one kid are looking at me like "wow, you really messed up having that second child."
-
I don't think more highly of parents due to their number of kids. I base it more on how they parent the kids they have. My sister and BIL have three and I think very highly of them, but it's because I know they are excellent parents. They are raising three nice, polite kids, and a lot of that has to do with how they parent. I try to emulate them in my own parenting.
-
@Mrs. Sunshine: I think they are very different statements. I was really trying to figure out why I felt that they are so different than each other and I realized it's exactly what you said - perspective. Except that the parent of two should also have the perspective of the parent of one. Whereas the parent of one doesn't have the perspective of the parent of two.
Also any time I say "you" below I mean in general. Not YOU.
I don't know, I think telling someone they aren't a real parent is pretty rude regardless of perspective. And if someone has a 2nd (or 3rd etc) that means they have (most likely) been a parent to just one before and they should be familiar with the perspective of the parent with just one. Meaning "when I had just one it was still plenty challenging and I would have been upset had someone told me I wasn't a real parent or it's just easy". You can say it's EASIER to have just one. I mean, of course it is! But not that it is easy (meaning it's not at all hard) and you're not a real parent. I don't think someone is more of a parent or a better parent because they have more kids. So I also don't think someone is less of a parent because they have one kid.
Also, not everyone has one kid by choice. So it's a pretty mean thing to say to anyone that "only" one kid makes you less of a parent.If I ever have another and someone said I was crazy for having another, I personally wouldn't find it to be rude. Because I would understand that it means they just aren't in the headspace to have another and they just can't comprehend it. Because I have been a parent to just one and know what it's like to have that "omg how do you do this with more than one kid and why would you want to??!" feeling. I still have it sometimes and we're doing IVF for a 2nd. Haha. So maybe I am crazy?
So again, that's why I wouldn't find that statement offensive. Because I know that it's often (but not always) a feeling that parents of one go through. Sometimes it's temporary but sometimes they always feel that way and I think it's ok to feel like you don't want more kids.
I hope I explained this ok. And fwiw I'm not trying to debate and I'm not mad.
I just wanted to explain my POV and it's ok to disagree on it. I mean, really, all of this is feelings and opinion and those will never be universal.
-
@SweetiePie: Yah! I have heard that a lot. I don't think I get that kind of credit because alas 'it is easy with one.' My struggle is real (darnit)!
I secretly want to hear-How wonderful- you have one!! But I have to remember that other parents have made a choice to have more so that is just not their journey. Also I have to think about how the parents who say things are just connecting and not really saying or intending to say something about me as a parent:person even though the thought crosses my mind. So basically, let it roll off. And yes I do say Wow when I hear someone has four or more kids because it is so rare.
-
@Mrs. Sunshine: Thanks for that! Admittedly, I do sometimes think-that's crazy when someone has three or four and wants another. Then I see them a few years later and know that all turned out well and I was wrong again!
-
Bit of an odd question... if you turn it on its head, that means you would think less highly of parents with fewer kids?
Seriously though, I've yet to see parenting ability correlate in any way to the number of children.
-
It's not common here at all. I wouldn't say I thought "more highly" of them but I am always really impressed when I see parents juggling large families and acing it. I would have loved to have been that mummy but I'm just not cut from that cloth, alas.
-
@LemonJack: I agree, 100%. If you're raising 1 kind and polite child, I will think highly of you. If you're raising 4 rude kids? I'll give you the side-eye.
-
Just looking back at this now. I sort of worded my response neutrally in order to give the widest possible range of responses. My experience is that in my area people typically have 2 or 3. 3 is the "hot" number. Everyone either has three or says stuff like "oh I wanted three but I just couldn't handle it." People with 4+ are regarded as saints and people always comment on how awesome they are for having that many kiddos. I think I used to fall into this trap myself. That's because I wanted three and saw myself as a "big family mom" in the making. Now I have two and a laundry list of reasons why I'm not having another bio baby or even adopting any time soon. And I think I have had to do some soul searching to not get my feelings hurt when people say things like "just imagine three!" or "oh if you had four you wouldn't care about xyz anymore." I think I actually want to care about some of the stuff that having two allows me to care about! And I have personal and career wants that would be impeded by more kids. I think I have had to give myself permission not to feel guilty for not wanting more kids, and part of that has been to take parents with 3+ off the pedestal and think of them just as people who made different choices from me.
-
@Cherrybee: honest question but do you feel like you are sort of throwing yourself under the bus by adopting the feeling that you "can't do" a big family? I often give myself a hard time for not reaching our "big family" goal but in retrospect that's a lot of shame to swallow. I think it is just another form of mommy guilt. If something happened and you or I had another by accident we would be ok. It may require us to change the 5/10/20 year plan in ways though. It really is just a choice and not a character flaw!
Subscribe to our newsletter
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
46 comments