If you have friends who don't have a spouse or kids, do they really understand how much things change?
How do you deal when they don't?
-
Nope. My sister is currently not speaking to me because I couldn't speak to her over the phone while trying to get Chloe down for a nap.
-
No. The few friends I did have when I got married and move away have basically disappeared since I had kids. They truly do not understand. =/
-
No, but I don't hold it against them. I feel like a lot of parents expect childfree people to put their kids up on the same pedastal, or that their priorities aren't as important.
-
My friends who don't have kids have NO idea and they often get annoyed with us especially when it came to DD's strict nap/sleep schedule.
I deal just by ignoring them. One day, if they have kids, they'll understand. If they never have kids then *shrug*, oh well!
-
Personally, I don't think marriage changes much, but having kids sure does! There's no way to truly and fully understand the demands and joys of parenthood until you're in the thick of it, so I try to cut them some slack. I used to *hate* the, "Just wait until you're a ________" comments, so I try to steer clear of any of that.
-
@HabesBabe: I'm the same. They don't understand and I understand that. I never did before getting married/trying to have kids/getting pregnant. Our priorities are just different for now.
-
My best friends really try to understand. And when they don't, that's okay! They don't have to.
@HabesBabe: Well said. We all have a right to set our own priorities...and before DD was born, I could not have even anticipated how mine would change.
-
@HabesBabe: I definitely don't expect these friends to put my kid up on a pedestal, but i find that some friends just don't understand if plans have to be cancelled at the last minute. Even though i never really "got it" pre-kids, i definitely cut my mom friends a lot of slack.
@Mrs. Jump Rope: Oh dear lord...
-
They try, but they really have no idea. At a BBQ last week my friend scoffed that she can't believe I "actually sit there and cut N's blueberries in half". Dude, that's like 1/100,000 of the things I do for my kid!!
-
nope, not at all. i'd like to think "oh she'll see..." but she'll never admit it when does eventually have kids.
-
I don't have any children yet. I don't think marriage changes much.
-
Nope. My one friend thinks it's just super easy for me to make plans at the spur of the moment, or be able to go on weekend getaways like its nothing. I need time! And no, it's not just as easy as dropping the kids off at the grandparents for the weekend because I feel like I need to get away
-
No!
I absolutely love this blog post on that topic though: http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/06/11/public-service-announcement-to-the-childless-people-wondering-why-were-such-losers/
-
I am a family-free friend and I admit that I have no idea how much kids change things. But I am prepared for things to be completely changed. I think - based upon my own observations - that some people handle the changes better than others. That's all I'm saying on that.
-
Not always in the beginning but better now. And honestly I have very few friends who dont' have kids (the ones I did have before marriage kind of grew apart since they were still into partying and bar scene and we were over it) so on the rare occasion we do hangout with them we always have to get a babysitter since they don't go out until way after LO is in bed (and we usually are too!)
-
We don't have kids yet, and while I can't empathize - I think I do a good job of understanding. (I am, after all, on this blog, right?)
Most of my friends and family have kids, and I see them/hang out with them to varying degrees because of the flexibility they choose for their family - which is totally fine.
I think it helps to remember that you (general you - not anyone in particular) are the one that changed by having kids. Your friends should definitely try to be accommodating, but because their daily life is the same, they can't truly understand.
Also, I know you didn't mean it to be insulting, but you don't need kids to have a family! I think you meant child-free friends.
-
I don't think non-parents (i sure didn't!) can ever truly understand, but most of my friends are very accommodating and considerate about our schedules and limitations. They always offer to drive to us when they want to hangout, ask what best fits our schedule, and try their best to entertain the kids when they come over. We're very fortunate to have wonderful friends.
There are one or two that don't get it at all, and have made some hurtful passive aggressive comments... but I try to brush it aside, or I do the slow fade out with the friendship. My time is precious and limited, I have no time for nonsense like that. If you can't support someone regardless of their stage in life, I don't really see them as a true friend anyway. True friends are those who support and love you no matter what, and try their best to see all perspectives even if they can't fully relate.
-
@TemperanceBrennan: well put! my sentiments exactly. you sound like a great friend to your parent-friends.
-
Yes, surprisingly we have great non-kid having friends. Most of them are engaged, so they're thinking about it. One of our engaged friends is babysitting this weekend just to see LO. We visited another couple during an afternoon walk. She's a music teacher and had goodies to play with. LO chilled on the floor playing with an egg shaker while we visited. We saw them last night and talked about going to a pie place in the neighborhood for a visit with LO in tow.
-
Well I didn't understand until it happened to me, so I don't expect them to understand either.
-
@Mrs. High Heels: Aw shucks! Thanks
And I agree with you - if your friends don't respect and support you when your life changes, they probably aren't great friends to begin with. -
@MrsMcD: One million internet points to you for your statement about some people handling the change better than others. @TemperanceBrennan: One million internet points to you as well for your comment about it being the parents that are the ones that change, not the child-free friends.
We do have some pretty understanding friends, and some non-understanding friends, but the non-understanding ones are the ones that don't like kids in the first place, so I never expected mine to be any different. I think that some of our friends that do understand maybe understand a bit too much- we don't get invited out as much any more, because people just assume we can't come.
-
@pui: Marriage changed for me in that i had additional family obligations to deal with. Whenever we flew back home, i had to accompany DH when he visited certain family members, which cut into my available days with friends. Some friends weren't really understanding about that...
-
@meganmp: I love internet points. Thank you!!
-
@MrsMcD: Since we can't *like* each others posts, I feel points are most appropriate.
-
Nope, and it's aggravating. I've been a little sensitive about this, but most of my friends disappeared when I had LO. Frankly though, like others have said, the ones who don't want to be in my life anymore obviously weren't good friends to begin with! There's only so many times I can initiate conversations or get togethers with my child free friends before I just give up.
-
No. I hung out in a cluster of 35-45ish year old professional women for the last 10 years and I was the first to have a baby. They struggle with all of my time constraints and I am getting invited places less and less. I understand, but it is still sad.
But, I've heard the first years of parenthood are hard in this way and as LO gets more independent the tide will turn again. -
i think i have really awesome non-parent friends! they are all really accomodating and understanding and love interacting with LO. i wish i had more time to spend with them
i think i just happen to know a lot of people who have been around kids a lot, even if they don't have their own.
-
I only have one child-free friend - my bestie since 5th grade. She had been a nanny for awhile and though it's different I think it helped her understand... and she LOVES my son- she even calls herself his auntie
When she asks me to do something, it's always implied that he joins us. I really appreciate how much she loves him, he loves her and her willingness to be a part of his life. That is a true friend! At the same time, I understand that with her being single and childless - it means I sacrifice too. So I make a point to have girls-only dates with her
-
No and I don't think they really understand. I have to say, I don't feel like I'm a great friend to them since becoming a parent.
-
@HLK208: I agree- I'm totally a crappy friend now most of the time- I don't feel all that bad about it, but it's definitely my fault when I seem to drop off the face of the earth, not theirs.
I have a few super-child-friendly friends who enjoy hanging out with all the couples with kids, and that's awesome. We see them a ton because they're up for group dinners at 5 PM and 9 AM outings to the zoo. I also have several (mainly single, or "not thinking about kids anytime remotely soon if ever") friends who are nonetheless really tolerant of LO, and I try to mix things up with them- they're really nice about hanging out with me and LO together and adjusting to LO's needs even when I know it's not their thing, so I really make an effort to also make time to see them when LO is NOT around. Then I have the friends who are really not interested in kids at all and tend to want to do activities that are not conducive to people with kids, and we only rarely hang out, but again, I feel like that's my choice, not their bad.
Reply
Subscribe to our newsletter
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
31 comments