I know alot of people disagree and believe that your marriage comes first before kids but *i* have to disagree. I grew up hearing kids come first from my mom ( not in a overbearing or thatwe were her only priority/ interest. Mu mom was very well rounded person with ouside intrests). and I've always really valued that sentiment. To me my kids will always be my top priority before anything or anyone. Luckily, my hubby agrees wholeheartedly. Don't get me wrong I love my husband beyond words and I know he feels the same but I feel like the love and sacrifice we have for our son should come first or at least be equal to the love we have for each other. Ofcoarse a healthy marriage is good for everyone involved and I do think there needs to be a lot of focus on that outside of your children!
I know this is an unpopular belief though and I see both sides of the coin 
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No, my son does not come first. I come first. Then my marriage, then my son. It may seem "harsh" to lay it out like that, but it is the only combination that works for my family. When I am not 100%, I can not take care of my family.
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My marriage is top priority... Together our ultimate goal is to provide our kids with what they need & both of us in their life, together under one roof, showing what it means to love (the action word) is at the top of that list so we are highly protective of that.
ETA: My perspective comes from our biblical belief and having grown up seeing how many of my friends homes functioned as children focused homes.
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As a Christian, I'd say God comes first, then my children and then my marriage.
In reality though I'd say children and husband are equally important. I only say children come first because in some sort of hypothetical situation where one has to be chosen over the other, I'd definitely do what is right for the kids first. I'm sure my husband would agree with me there. We would BOTH to what is best for the children, we're a team in that.
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I am trying to make them completely equal
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@looch: thank you for answering truthfully and doesn't sound harsh, sounds what works for your family! Truth be told I was kinda afroad of posting my thoughts on it BC I know how unpopular me and.my hubbys views are. But.it works for *our * family
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Is this really an unpopular belief? I would have thought it went without saying! Of course the kids come first. Don't get me wrong, we will continue to work on our relationship and aim to spend some time together just the two of us on a regular basis to facilitate that but the little one will always be number one!
Edit: Crikey! I've just read the other responses! It seems like me and you are in the minority after all! Some good points raised.
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@Cherrybee: in real life a lot of ppl judge me for this belief.
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@looch: Good for you. I regularly put myself last, though I really want to work on that. And my husband comes first 90% of the time. I think there's always going to be some wiggle room between him, my son, myself and just life in general that has to take place. Big picture, though, the hubs comes first.
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I feel like it's equal, cause they have different needs.
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Although I understand the different viewpoints (and I don't think yours is unpopular! I know lots of families that are very much children-first, and it works for them!), I have to say that my marriage and my children are equal, but I come first. It's the reason I will continue to work & go to grad school, and the reason I plan on taking a vacation with just DH. I know that when I don't feel fulfilled, I put that frustration onto other relationships.
I also grew up in a family where my mother's entire existence revolved around her children, and she ended up very bitter and had no interests of her own. I know that I, personally, have enough of my mother in me that I would end up the same way. -
@stargal: I've actually found your belief to be more popular among other parenting communities. With divorce rates as high as they are alot of moms take the stance that "my kids will always be with me" whereas a spouse may not be. I think many having grown up in single parent homes themselves may attribute to the growth in this feel too.
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@Bookworm: I can see how the role of mother can be so engrained in you and lose other aspects of your life. Luckily my mom showed us kids a healthy balance between her kids needs and her other needs.
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@stargal: That's awesome that you had a good role model on being a mommy! I think I would definitely have a different view point had I had a different woman as a mom! I think it's great you are charging full ahead focusing on your kiddos
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After we get past the newborn stage, mine and DH's needs will come before our LO's. Of course I'm talking about non-basic or non life threatening needs. That is the type of household I grew up in and I wholeheartedly agree it's the right way to go for us. I was never allowed in my parents room and our schedules revolved around our parents lives instead of our kid needs/activities. I think it provided me a sense of stability and comfort as a child to know that my family wasn't dependant on me being happy and having all my needs met. And it was nice to see my parents put each other first to maintain a strong union above all else.
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@runsyellowlites: good points! I also think the feminist mentality plays a role too
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I (we) try very hard to find balance. I can't be a good wife or mother if I don't take care of myself and put myself first sometimes. And we feel E can only benefit from having parents who put their marriage first sometimes. I don't want to neglect it for him because eventually he'll move out and live his own life and it'll just be me and DH again and I don't want us to feel like strangers because we've spent so many years putting our child(ren) before our marriage.
Of course, E's immediate needs come first, especially now when he's still dependent on us for pretty much everything, but as he starts to develop independence I hope to be able to put myself first more often (because right now that's the one I struggle with the most).
(I don't mean to suggest that putting your kids first will eventually ruin your marriage. I know families that have worked that way, and worked well. Unfortunately I also know families that have broken up because someone went outside the marriage for attention they weren't getting at home. I firmly believe that it's much more likely to be the former if both spouses are on the same page, and that goes for all whoever is put first.)
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I have a really hard time thinking about this question--in the abstract sense, I don't think love is a zero-sum game, so prioritizing doesn't make sense to me. And in everyday life, this seems like it would mainly manifest in terms of logistics, when we'd prioritize on a case by case basis. like, when we have a lo, if they're sick on a night that we'd planned to go on a date, we'd cancel the babysitter--in that case, kid before marriage bc the kid's needs are more pressing. but if the kid had a soccer game the same night as a big work event for either of us, we'd skip the game, so marriage before kid since the game is one of many. or, if the kid had a soccer game but I was on a deadline for my work, I'd skip the game, so myself before the kid. So I just think it depends, and is more of a balance than a hard and fast rule.
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@nana87: I really like your approach. Logistically speaking I think most regardless of our viewpoints would agree with you
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In one sense, my DD absolutely comes first bc she has so many needs at just 5 months! But I don't necessarily hold her needs in higher regard than my husband, I just do my damnedest to please everyone. At this point, it just so happens to not take nearly as much to please my husband. If that means that while baby is asleep, I'm DTD with Daddy, that is all it takes to please him for the day! And in the mix of it all, I am always taking care of myself bc if I don't feel good about myself or the way that I look, then it affects everything and everyone in our household! So I guess my answer is that once you have kids, life is absolutely bonkers and I just try to stay happy and keep everyone happy! It just doesn't take as much to keep DH happy- we are lucky that we have a pretty easy marriage and are very supportive of one another. I just have to "give it up" here and there and as far as he's concerned, that's putting our marriage first, lol!
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This is an interesting thread!
I am still pregnant, so my views on the subject are limited at this point. However, I have several friends and family members whose world became "baby/child" once they became a parent. Their child is the center of their universe and everything else comes second. From an outside perspective, it seems like they have completely lost their sense of self. I find myself unable to relate to them anymore because ALL they talk about is their child and rarely can I get them to even leave the house without their child.
Before we even TTC, DH and I had a long talk about this issue and agreed that we would never let parenthood define us. We plan on maintaining our interests, our social lives, and our relationship. I will not lose my sense of self for the sake of my child. In my opinion, that would end up hurting our son in the long run as I/DH would most likely grow resentful.
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@runsyellowlites: @pui: This is true for us too.
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LO comes first. We take a lot of time for our marriage so sometimes LO might kinda want something and we prioritize us instead. But a 1 year old has higher needs on a regular basis than 30 year olds so usually she comes first. If my husband had as high of needs as my daughter I'd give him a swift kick to the butt to get his act together.
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@rahlyrah: " . . . it seems like they have completely lost their sense of self." I thought this was an interesting comment--I used to feel the same! For me, my sense of self was re-defined once I became a mother. It's really hard to describe. In so many ways I feel transformed - the old me is still there, but my perspective has completely changed.
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@rahlyrah: I've heardn this happen to people and its very sad to see. You def NEED to have time away from your child and other interests. When I'm away from my son, yes I miss him of coarse but it feels rejuvenating and makes me more excited to spend time with him when I see him. Date nights are critical to, IMHO!
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I agree with various parts and the sentiments of what @looch:, @nana87 and @rahlyrah said. I come first, period. That doesn't mean I always get what I want, or do what I want or "win" arguments. It means that unless I enrich myself and take care of myself, I'm not going to be very good at taking care of others. But like I said, it's not like I always "win", so the choices I make are on a case by case basis. I agree with all of @nana87's examples. I also don't want to let parenthood define me, like @rahlyrah said; just like I don't let my marriage define me. I'm still my own person with my own interests outside of DH and LO.
I guess I can't really say I love LO more than DH, or DH more than LO because those types of love are completely different and DH and LO have completely different things they need from me. But at the end of the day, in order to give to either DH or LO 100%, I have to take care of ME first.
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@pui: I 100% agree with this.
I am a Christian as well so yes, my faith comes first...
But in terms of family, my son/future children will always be first. Even if I tried to put my husband/marriage first, I wouldn't be able to. It's so incredibly primal for me to love, protect, and nurture my son while it's not as second-nature to love and respect my husband. That is a relationship I really have to work hard at, but at this point at least I don't have to work to love my child. It comes so naturally.
I vary between putting myself after my kid, and sometimes after my husband. I do take care of myself and DH is great about letting me have me-time and doing whatever I need to do. But I hope that I have a healthy balance of also meeting HIS needs. So I guess that part of the equation varies.
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@Bookworm: I desperately want to take a vacation without LO before we have a second child. Who will you have watch your LO(s)? I'm not too positive my mom will be up for it, and my sister will be having her first child soon so I'm afraid to ask. I cannot even fathom what a week-long babysitter might cost.
@runsyellowlites: you know I generally agree with you because we base a lot of our ideaologies on our mutual faith
but I do think that the reason my child is first is different than the reason you stated (relating to "my child will always be mine. my husband may not be")... I mentioned it in my post above and I actually think it's because it's simply more primal for me! It comes so naturally for me to put J first.
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@Mrs. Pen: I couldn't have explained it better myself. I agree 100% with what you said! God, children, husband, me. But I do try to find a good balance between children and husband. We do date nights quite often to ensure that our relationship stays strong. My mama bear instincts are just naturally stronger than my wifey instincts.
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@Mrs. Pen: We are very lucky in that we have a lot of family who have expressed interest in babysitting her. We have my BIL & SIL in town who would definitely take her for a couple days (she'll be in day care, so they really only have to watch her overnight, which SIL has said she'd love to do)
I also have my Dad and step-mom a few hours away, and they have also said they'd like to. For a shorter trip, I could use either (I hope, hopefully they follow up on these promises!) For a longer trip, I'm not sure. We want to go to Europe for a week when LO is about 2, and I wouldn't want my BIL/SIL to have to drive her 4 hrs to my dad halfway through! So we are lucky, but who knows if it will work out!
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@Mrs. Pen: beautifully said! I agree with you wholeheartedly about it being such a natural and primal feeling to love your child. You put in words part of what I was trying to express.
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I hate to put these things in order, so to speak, but if I'm really being honest, my son is #1.
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No. I have such a different love for my husband than I do for my baby. As a Christian, my marriage covenant is sacred to me. We're one flesh, if you will. I love him so intimately that I could never even explain it. We're together until the end. No matter what. At the same time, I have a primal and instinctual love for my daughter that is crazy huge. I'd do anything for her. There are things that I will never share with Sadie, though. It's my job in this season of life to teach & nurture her, but one day she will leave us & find her own husband and partner. My role in being unified with and honoring my husband is not seasonal. I will always love Sadie deeply, but our relationship will change so drastically over the course of her life.
I think that by always striving and working for a successful marriage, we're loving Sadie better. Our relationship is a model of spiritual love. Seeing my father sacrifice for and adore my mother has helped me to understand God's love for his church. My parents' dedication to their marriage created a peaceful, loving, and warm place for me & my brothers to grow up. Their marriage was the foundation of our happy family.
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Is there a specific situation involving the kids where "kids come first" parents would prioritize things one way, while "marriage comes first" parents prioritize things another way?
The main one I've seen is where marriages start to crumble because one parent focuses almost exclusively on the kids... that's why I'm wary of the "kids come first" approach.
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This is an interesting question. I have not read all the responses yet but I am going to go back and do so.
My husband comes first in the sense that I need to make sure that my marriage is a happy one. There may be times where the needs of the baby need to be met first but my priority is my marriage. There is nothing to say that my husband will be my husband in 20 years if I don't do the work to maintain that relationship. As much as I love my son, he will always be my son.
That said, when I am away from my LO for an extended time my hear aches I miss him so much! It is hard for me to choose my marriage sometimes but I know it is important.
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@rahlyrah: I think you can choose how you parent. I'm lucky to have friends/siblings/parents as good role models for the type of parent you want to be.
For example: I have a close friend (also career mentor!) who has two children, one of whom is special needs. And she totally manages their schedulres really well---they are both in activities, do well in school, her special needs child has a lot of extra therapy and programs in the summer she attends. BUT she is also extremely good in her career, has always worked full time AND just finished her PHd, AND she gets a lot of little side jobs, just because she's well known in her field--those side jobs involve a lot of traveling to conferences (sans kids) to speak. She must go ot 4-5 conferences a year.
I would love to be a parent like that. She's a great parent, also great at her job, and spends time away from her kids and husband without it being a problem. Heck, she still came to my out-of-town bachlorette party--and I told her she didn't need to feel like she had to!
Obviously, she has an extremely supportive husband--and that helps. He does all the cooking, and does all the ferrying-of-kids when she is gone. But it's not like he's been neglected--he also works full time, has finished his master's degree in the last 5 years, etc.
Somehow they manage to be good parents and fulfill their own goals, and I think that's amazing. So it's possible!
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@photojane: exactly this. you explained so beautifully what I was thinking and wanting to say.
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@Anagram: This is my goal exactly!
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I'm not pregnant yet, nor do I have any children. But I was always raised and taught that a marriage comes first, and then children. (after God that is). I believe that you marriage is the foundation of your family. Before you had children, you had your marriage, and it was the love that created the family to begin with!!
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Like a PP said, mine are God, my children then my marriage.
ETA: my husband agrees!
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