Hellobee Boards

@MUI831: Hmm, well I'll just say to begin with that this is obviously just my perspective.

I think generally speaking "normal" dating (at least in America) is seen to be an experiential process. Its not about an end result necessarily (i.e. marriage or long-term commitment) but learning about yourself and how to carry yourself in a relationship. And the thought is that through the process of trial and error, you find out what you want from a relationship (or perhaps you find you don't want a relationship at all) and make choices that are better for yourself over time. Which is why I think a lot of families allow their children to start "dating" or going to school dances or whatever as teenagers. Its natural, a growing process, etc. The downside to this can be heartache, emotional turmoil, wasted time, etc.

Courtship (at least from my very personal Christian perspective) is sort of the other way around. You have a specific end result in mind (I want to get married) and prepare for it in advance. The idea is to develop yourself and grow as a person (emotionally, spiritually, etc.) first. You work through your personal issues, you pay attention and take the counsel of married couples you respect, and you think about what qualities you would and wouldn't want your partner to have (input from friends and family is helpful here too). You think about what kind of partner you would like to be to the other person. You pray for wisdom and that God would provide you with good opportunities to meet the right kind of men. Obviously you can and will have friends of the opposite gender (assuming a heterosexual context) along the way, but the general idea is you're not open to romantic attachments until you're ready to pursue marriage.

Once you have a sense that you ARE ready for that step and you meet a potential suitor, you may do some sleuthing about that person. (In the Duggar context, this is where Jim Bob runs a background check and interviews the guy before he lets them meet his daughters). More commonly, one or both of you may ask mutual friends what they think of the person, etc. If you mutually agree (with or without your families), you enter into a period of courtship to see if you are compatible with each other for marriage. So you go on dates, talk, get to know each other, etc. just like normal dating, but you're doing it in a much more focused way to see if this person has the qualities you want in a mate. You talk about what the other person expects/wants in a partner, you talk about life goals, kids, work, etc. pretty early on. You may meet each other's friends and families who will also be eyeing the other person in a more focused way (will they be a good match?) You get input from your community. You pray.

If one or both of you agree that this isn't going to work, you very respectfully end the courtship. If both of you are honest and respectful, it probably wont take very long to see if a person is not a good match. Generally, in Christian courtships, you would probably want to refrain from a lot of physical contact (hence the Duggar sidehugs or whatever) because touching does stir up a lot of attachment and physical attraction that can cloud your judgement on a very important life decision. Without the physical attachments, ending a courtship is easier for both of you and creates less baggage to bring into the next courtship.

There IS trial and error involved in courtship. Meaning, you might get there and realize you aren't as ready for marriage as you thought. You might find more things you need in a potential mate. You may find certain things aren't as important as you once thought. Maybe you were being unreasonable about certain things. You may even decide you want to finish schooling or pursue other things first.

But overall, its arguably a more effective and respectful process (both to you and to your suitor) because you're trying to come to the table with good intentions and a common goal. I know it sounds really transactional and business-like, and I guess in many ways it is, but DH and I have never lacked in romance during our relationship, even while we were courting. In fact, I think it made our engagement and marriage incrementally sweeter - each was a new and different experience that brought us closer together one stage at a time.

Hope that makes sense in terms of how DH and I see courtship vs. marriage!

@gingerbebe: Very well said!

I am watching! Soooooo awkward!!!

@gingerbebe: it is very interesting to get a different perspective, especially when it is so well written. Thank you for sharing!

I watch occasionally - also fascinated by this courtship thing - it's so so different from anything I've ever encountered.

I wish the show was on-demand! We don't have DVR so I have to try to catch it live.

@indi: @TemperanceBrennan: I haven't watched this show in years, but now I'm googling them... yeesh! I always thought about how hard it would be if one or more of their kids were gay (for the kid, I mean). But really, with 19 of them, it's fairly likely. Having their show has really helped them open up their world view (as opposed to being in their little Arkansas bubble), but imagine realizing all that's out there and you're still not allowed to pursue most of it.

@indi: oh gosh, now I feel like I'm so deep into the Duggar rabbit hole. I'm reading something from that site you linked, and when David asked Priscilla's father if he could court/marry her, the father asked him "are you willing to be accountable to Priscilla for your Internet use?" This is just SUCH a different world than mine.

Did you guys see the pictures from Jill Duggar's wedding? I saw a few on people.com, and she looked really pretty. I think her dress was really pretty, and looked much more stylish than Anna and Erin Bates' dresses did.

@NCSUchick27: she looked beautiful! I need to see more pictures.

@indi: I feel bad for Jana. I thought she'd be the first to marry. She just looks sad and forlorn in some of her interviews.

@NCSUchick27: My parents and aunt and uncle went The Duggars are from my hometown.

@grizz: woah how cool!

I love the Duggars! Jill looked so pretty. I'm glad his mom was able to go. The article about him pushing the empty wheelchair down the aisle at the rehearsal to practise in hopes she'd make it to the wedding hurt my heart

@gingerbebe: so I'm curious -are many courtships ended? I can't quite understand how you would know what sorts of qualities you want in a partner if you've never dated? Is there a stigma attached to ending a courtship? I imagine it to be something like ending an engagement, as the courtship seems to be like a pre-engagement with everybody expecting an engagement.

@indi;@mrsmcd: I bet the littlest 3girls are the real wild cards later on.

@gingerbebe: my DH and I had a courtship:) were Muslim, but it sounds about the same as what your described above.

I'm happy for Jill and Derek! Jessa is probably my favorite:)

@JennyD: Well, as I said before, DH and I didn't go through courtship the traditional route (i.e. had that Duggar-style relationship with our parents as teenagers, etc). We came to courtship in reverse. We TRIED dating for most of our adult lives before we both individually decided it didn't work for us at some point.

DH had been in one pointless longterm relationship after another since high school and in his late-20s decided he needed a better plan. He got plugged into church and his men's Bible study more and started praying a lot more intentionally about marriage and what that meant.

I got fed up with dating in general in my mid-20s and decided I wanted to pursue courtship, which resulted in me being single for 4 years. I took the time to get retroactively get into a courtship mindset and dig further into my faith, my community, my relationship with my mom, etc. I also plugged into a women's Bible study group for support and guidance. I personally didn't really feel "ready" to pursue a courtship or marriage for 3 of those 4 years because I was busy working through my issues and learning about myself. I had to make peace with issues with my dad, emotional scars from my past, bad habits, etc, first.

When DH and I decided on our own to enter into a courtship, our parents and a lot of our friends were honestly shocked. We were 29 years old and we WANTED their input, support, advice, and accountability. We wanted the 4 months of premarital counseling after we got engaged. We sought out married couples we respected for advice. So it was a new experience for both of us and our families.