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emotional labor

  1. gotkimchi

    nectarine / 2400 posts

    @muffinsmuffins: this is super interesting. My husband is fine with the kids and did get a paternity leave and by nature of my job has them by himself a lot, but when our kids were tiny he absolutely thought it was easier for me - I was nursing etc. it was such a cop out.

  2. codeitall

    clementine / 874 posts

    I feel like I could read comments on this forever and feel super validated and still at a loss for what to change.

    DH has further complicated things be doing both school and work full-time so I've picked up a lot of the slack in our house because he literally has no time for it. But he's on a term break right now and I've been slowly letting things slide.

    Dropping the ball has worked in my house when I haven't cared. I still take care of my kids in the morning, so hopefully no one can tell that their dad fed them cereal or sandwiches again the night before. I ask SIL to come over so he'll help vacuum and clean up the front room.

    I dread when my kids go to school because I know that will all fall on me and I can't think of a good way to drop the ball without having it plop down on my kid's heads.

  3. Anagram

    eggplant / 11716 posts

    @codeitall: can you hire some help?

  4. codeitall

    clementine / 874 posts

    @Anagram: We're working towards it. DH doesn't want a stranger in the house so we compromised on my college student SIL coming once a week. But she doesn't always come and she never finishes cleaning the whole house, just does an hour blitz clean. So I'm thinking we'll get a real cleaner next year once he admits she isn't working out.

  5. JennyPenny

    nectarine / 2460 posts

    @muffinsmuffins: I remember reading something similar that countries with mandated paternity leave, especially the kind that is specific for men and not just "parental", have seen growing gender equality in household balance and child raising. DH got 2 weeks, 4 weeks and if we have another kid he'll get 8 weeks of paternity leave. I was so excited, but he was like "I probably won't take it...what would I do with all that time" and I wanted to scream "take care of our child!!!!" I still need to figure out a healthy way to talk to him about it.

  6. muffinsmuffins

    persimmon / 1023 posts

    @gotkimchi: oh yes I have definitely seen this with friends as well. Because mom nurses, just hand the kid off!

    @JennyPenny: totally! I was talking to my boss about this because both of us had kids this year and he was curious how I’m seen as the non birth parent vs. a typical dad. I took 3 months off with our first son and a month off with our second and reduced/changed my schedule to accommodate being home to cook dinner, do bed and do school drop off. No one batted an eye at my work and it literally didn’t occur to me to think of not taking a decent amount of time and to consider DW juggling both kids at home alone until I get home from work. But we are also in Canada and can split leave of up to 18 months. Of our straight couple friends, 2 of the dads became short term SAHD for 3-6+ months, usually after mom went back to work and the kids were more flexible with bottle feeding. So I do think there’s some truth to it for sure...and the more men take advantage and say screw it, I’m gonna take my leave, the more it will end this toxic patriarchal culture that is the source of the issue.

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