Hellobee Boards

Wow, does she refuse, or just doesn't offer and you feel bad asking?

Yep, my mom really isn't involved much anymore. She used to be, and used to really enjoy spending time one on one with DS, but nowadays not so much. It's tough to not have much family support

@Cherrybee: I understand not wanting to ask the ILs since they have her 3 days a week already. Is there an option to send her to daycare 3 days and them have her 2 days? Maybe then they could take her one afternoon maybe one or two weekends a month?

@Cherrybee: Wow that's really tough. I don't know maybe I'm giving obvious answers here, but what if it started with just saying you really have to run to do something that will only take 15 minutes and can she please just leave her for 15 minutes. And maybe don't give her much of a choice just go for the door and say "i really have to go!" I guess you know your daughter best, if she would cry for that entire 15 minutes then maybe it's not a good idea but if you think that she would be OK with it and it would show your mom that she's OK with it, might be worth a shot. And can gradually increase?

@Cherrybee: I know that feeling well my mom used to be involved, but she's got a boyfriend now and he trumps anything and everything in the world.

In a way I understand... I have no family support as no one lives in the city we are in, but I suspect my mom also won't babysit for me if my LO is two or younger. My son is quite a handful and my mom is getting old. It was a pain for me to wrestle my son on the changing table sometimes and I honestly wouldn't expect my mom to watch him until he is older. My MIL is very willing to watch LO though even when he was a baby when we go visit so I always really really appreciate that. After all the last time they had to deal with a baby was at least 20-30 years ago, you know? (For myself it would have been 40 years ago!)

Some people are naturally good with babies and some are not. Even if that is your mother, she might have disliked the time when you were a baby! Haha. In a way I wonder if I would offer to babysit my son's baby when the time comes. I am just not crazy about the baby time. I was only able to deal with my baby because I read a ton of books and was mentally and physically prepared for it but I would forget about everything I know about babies in 25-30 years. I wouldn't mind just watching but not sure if I would be ok to deal with someone else's baby on feeding and crying and poop. I suspect your mom will be more ok when your daughter is potty trained

Eta: speaking of which now I remember when I was pregnant I asked my mom to come help out when the baby comes and she actually said no and she didn't want to! She said she is too old to do anything useful. Back then I was really really upset, I made her come anyway (which ended up maybe worse but that's another story for another time). But now looking back I totally understand why she said no to begin with.

None of our family really live close by so it's not really an issue anyway, but I know what you mean. My MIL will babysit, but we live cross country and only see her a few times a year.

My parents are five hour drive away, but they will babysit, it just can be a bit of a struggle to coordinate and they don't go out of their way to make it easier. I asked my mom about coming up to take care of C when baby 2 is born and she couldn't possibly take time off work. If I could ahead and have the baby a few days to a week late, so it was during Christmas week, no problem. I really do get it and it would be a lot to ask of anyone, but I wish she had at least sounded like she wanted to! That said, she IS coming to watch C in October so Dh and I can go away for a weekend for our anniversary. So I'm not complaining, just saying I feel your pain where you feel like they should WANT to spend more time with them!

This comment has been deleted by the original poster.

My father in law and step-mother-in-law (an evil stepmother if there ever was one - she makes my skin crawl and was abusive to my husband while he was growing up) have met my son twice in his 17 month life, once when we had to bring him to a brunch (babysitting fell through at the last minute so we had to bring him along - felt so unwelcome with him there that I left with him after about 30 min and my husband stayed), and once at his first birthday party where neither held him and they left after 20 minutes. It doesn't bother me as much because I really don't like them and don't trust them with a child they've met twice...but it is absolutely heartbreaking to my husband, he really thought that having a son would bring he and his father closer together, but if anything they had drifted even further apart. Its very sad...I'm sorry you're going through this with your mum, and I hope she comes around - she will be the one who will regret not getting those precious moments with her granddaughter!

No I don't think this is normal at all...unless she had a physical disability. You definitely should figure out how to get a tiny bit of me time though. If you can't fit a part time babysitter into the budget, how about trading some babysitting with another mom? I've done that it a mom in my neighborhood and its great to just get 1-2 hours once a month to yourself!

@Modern Daisy: yep. My MIL is totally an alarmist too.

I'm sorry that really sucks. And I don't think it is okay or normal. I mean obviously people shouldn't abuse their parents as babysitters but refusing to EVER watch a grandchild is sort of bizarre and sad that she doesn't want to be more involved.

@raintreebee: that's so mean. I'm sorry. big hugs!!!!

@Cherrybee: part of the reason we decided to settle down here is because we felt bad that my inlaws had no sons left here in their old age. We thought they would be very involved grandparents. They are not. My mil is very very selfish. DD1 is 3.5 and we've gone on date nights maybe 5x and only one of those was them babysitting. When I was unemployed they offer to take DD twice a week for the day after #2 was born to give me a break. It quickly turned to once a week. Then from most of the day to just 3-4 hours and half the time they cancelled last minute or showed up super late. It got to the point where my daughter was crying they didn't show up. So I stopped telling her they were picking her up until like an hour before. And I almost always fed her a small lunch because they would show up at noon or 12:30 then take her shopping then lunch. Ugh, I've come to accept that they're not the best grandparents but also realize they're not the worst. But honestly it makes DH very upset because his grandmothers were so awesome. His parents used to leave him and his two brothers with his maternal grandmother for the whole weekend, at least once a month. He just doesn't understand with that kind of example how it never occurs to them to want to give us that same kind of help/break.

We just spent our first night away on Friday in 3.5 years thanks to my BIL and his gf babysitting; it was for our 5 year anniversary.

We don't really have a ton of extra cash either but both have reached the point that we want more date nights and paying someone is just easier than always having to ask someone for a favor! Once DD2 is a bit older I plan to start asking one of DH cousins daughter who works with infants at a daycare to babysit. If not then one of their own daycare teachers.

So often I wished we decided to settle near my family instead. Sure it would come with its own issues. But my mom would watch our kids full time. She would offer all the time to watch them for date nights or overnight.

@Cherrybee: I try to think of any babysitting by family as a bonus! We also don't have family support and it can turn parenting into a real grind... but I found that thinking about babysitting as a bonus leads to less resentment!!

Plus I figure, our parents did their job by raising me and Bee... so anything on top of that is truly a bonus!!

I totally understand why grandparents don't want to watch their grandchildren in some cases. I think part of it could be guilt from having not done a textbook job the first time around and then coming under fire from us "young folk" and our new parenting ways. We can be a tough group of people to deal with. Obviously I am speaking from a macro sense here, but you get my drift.

I have my parents closeby, they take care of my son during the week so we don't ask anything on top of that for the weekends, so we're not going on dates or anything either. It's tough!

My parents will watch the kids, but they live in another country so it's not really something I ever use.
My MIL will watch DD1 at her house but not safely and always leaves steak knives and scissors about so I'm not comfortable with her there.
FIL is 90 and incapable of looking after himself at this point.

Grandparent participation is just not something I expected so I don't really miss it. I honestly think it's really awesome how involved your inlaws are.
Count your blessings.

@Cherrybee: what really bothers me about this is that i totally have the mindset of "it takes a village" to raise a good kid. it isn't about pawning them off or spoiling them but moreso what can grandparents do to enrich the lives of their grandchildren? they will have a different routine and can't pick them up to swing them all over the place but i definitely think they should WANT to bring something to the table, if not for you then simply for the kids. they're so impressionable and there is so much bad in the world, my mil is very big on providing the best sense of self worth to a child. this makes me sad some grandparents haven't asked themselves what they can provide.

@Cherrybee: I feel your pain. My parents live in London and I'm in NYC so no help there, but I know that if I was in London they would absolutely be willing to watch DD sometimes. My MIL is a very nice and kind woman but she just will not babysit. She doesn't feel comfortable/want to and I have made my piece with it.

I think you have to work harder on your DH to hire a sitter. Alternatively, you could just get an au pair (around 100 pounds per week!) and then there would always be someone there!