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While I can sympathize (my mom always liked the "idea" of grandkids, but never actually liked spending any time with them), I kind of feel like my parents did their time. I don't have any expectation of them to watch LO. My dad does watch him a day/week because he loves it, but if he told me he wanted to stop, I'd certainly understand. Neither of my parents have watched LO for a date night in his almost 3 years of life.
My ILs are a bit older, but my FIL will also watch LO a day/week (he goes to daycare the other 3 days), but again, if he wanted to stop, we'd be fine with that. My ILs will watch him on occasion at their house or ours if we want to take an afternoon to run some errands, but that's once in a blue moon, and again, not expected.
@Cherrybee: I think you're most disappointed that your mom just doesn't want to spend time with your LO, and I understand that. But, I've found that the sooner you accept your mom (or my mom in my case) as the person she is, the less disappointed you'll be about it. It's hard, yes. Sad, yes, but the fact that your ILs are so thoughtful is a really great thing. Try to take comfort in that...two extra people who love your DD just as much as you do...
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@rosegold: That's how I feel, too. We recently moved away from family but it was so wonderful to feel like LO was surrounded by people that love her. I felt very loved too to know that I had the support and help of my family. Parents don't stop being parents when their kids are grown and one way my mom in particular really showed her love for me was helping out with LO. It was never assumed but I know it would hurt to have not had it offered so freely.
@Cherrybee: I'm sorry
I wonder if you talked to your mom about it as wanting her to have more of a relationship with LO, she would get it? Not that you are pawning her off. I know that LO became so close with my parents when they were regularly watching her. LOs develop attachments with those that take care of them and respond to their needs.
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I don't think grandparents have a responsibility to babysit, nor do I think doing so or not doing so is any indication of how much they love their kids or their grandkids. It's a great bonus, but nothing we ever expect from either of our parents.
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I feel for you ... our parents live 2,000 miles away, so we have no help either. I know that in the past 19 months, it would have been REALLY nice to have a date night, or even just time to go to the store alone.
Does this surprise you about your mom? Was she really involved with your upbringing?
I don't have any advice, but I do want to share some support for you!!
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@daniellemybelle: The "you're always trying to palm her off on me. She's your responsibility." comment was said in response to me trying to have the discussion with her. I guess I backed her into a corner by saying that I wanted them to be close but she would need to invest in the relationship in order to achieve that.... and she couldn't just say "Look, I don't want to" so she attacked.
@2PeasinaPod: You're right. I do need to accept her for who she is and just move on. But it's hard when she likes to sends me memes via text message about how she will always be here for me and post all over facebook about her beautiful grandaughter who she loves so much but then when it comes to it she doesn't want to actually be involved. she once said to me "I prefer to dote on her from afar". Hmm, okay.
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@littlejoy: YES! It really does surprise me. I mean, she has always been quite a selfish person and our relationship has been interesting at points but I really thought she would relish the grandmother thing. She spent my entire twenties stressing about whether or not I would give her grandchildren and when we were TTC the plan was for her to retire (she hated her job) and then I would pay her the going rate to care for our child full time! She told me when I was 3 months pregnant that she had changed her mind because she didn't want to "give up her freedom", but she couldn't wait to be a granny.....which was fine...... and then when DD was actually born she changed her tune again. Then she was "scared" to be alone with her in case she cried. In the first year of DDs life, she probably only saw her a handful of times because I had PPD and so I didn't reach out to her. Now I visit weekly with DD to try to build up their relationship..... it's just weird.
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@Cherrybee: How frustrating ... not to mention, confusing!! Just keep fostering relationships with the people who want to be involved. She'll either come around, or maintain this weird status. I'd say to be super gentle with yourself, and know it's not YOUR issue!! Does she have a new partner or anything that could explain this?
Hugs to you! This is hard!!
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@Cherrybee: I feel for you, my mom can be the same way. I called her Friday to tell her that her grandson started crawling, was about to invite her over to have lunch together (she always says "We should get lunch on Fridays"), and before I could invite her - she told me to send her a video... (She lives 15 minutes away...) The kicker was she drove by my house that night to visit a friend, and I always tell her to stop by. I've accepted it for the most part, but sometimes its tough.
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@Cherrybee: Think about it this way - you don't want someone that fickle spending that much time with your daughter. Kids thrive on routine and stability. I think it would be incredibly confusing and hard to be around a flakey Grandma who can't resolve her ideas/fantasies about grandparenthood with her desires to do whatever she wants. Imagine how that would be played out for your LO. Granny likes me sometimes (when I'm well behaved and pretty and can sit nicely at tea, for example) but not when I want to jump in puddles or run around and make music. I think your disappointment is warranted (I have a weird father too) but that just makes me think I would never want to leave my son alone with him or count on him for anything having to do with my son.
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@Cherrybee: That makes sense. You are really good to see past the hurtful words to the reason she felt like she had to say them.
I'm sure your mother loves you and your LO. But your hurt is certainly justified.
Maybe you need to find a mom/grandma figure to fill that place in your heart in a way? Of course not to replace your Mom. But I have friends who are not close with their moms or they even just live far away from them and they've drawn closer to their MIL, or an aunt or just an older female friend who dotes on their LO and gives them that much needed support.
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@gingerbebe: Thats a good perspective, thank you. You're right.
@MtnBiker: That's awful, I'm so sorry. Its amazing that your LO has started crawling - the crawling stage is so much fun!
@littlejoy: No new partner, no. She has recently lost a lot of weight though and has gained a load of new confidence.... maybe thats it?
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@Cherrybee: Trust me...I know how much easier said than done it is. It took me a long time to accept that my mom is who she is and realize that the reason I'm disappointed all the time is because I'm expecting her to change. In reality, she's never going to change...I just need to start changing my expectations. It's incredibly hard to do that, because of all people who you want to have a great relationship with your children, your mom is most important. And it's a horrible let down when it seems as if she doesn't care.
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@daniellemybelle: My MIL is fantastic. To be honest, the only reason Im not closer to her (like, in a practical sense, going shopping and for lunch together etc) is because I know it would hurt my mum so much. She's so jealous of my MIL as it is.
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@Cherrybee: That's sweet of you but since she is living her life how she wants, you should do the same. If she asks why, you should find a way to kindly tell her truth. Your mom doesn't want to be there for you in that way, but your MIL does, and that's your mom's choice.
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@Cherrybee: Neither my parents nor my MIL watch our son
in fact, my parents have only been to visit us on J's first and second birthdays and twice around when he was born, once at the hospital and once at home. (They live 45 minutes away).
MIL is in her 80s and doesn't drive, so it's not expected.
My mother doesn't drive, but my dad does.... -
@rachiecakes: That's outrageous, I'm so sorry.
Why don't they want to be more involved?
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@Cherrybee: I wish I knew
my grandmother was the "pick you up in the middle of the city at 1am in her nightgown, because your ride ditched you" kind of grandma, literally.ETA: I try to go out to visit them as often as I can despite this. It was really hard in the early days when I didn't want to leave the house trying to recover from childbirth but I keep doing it because I don't want to be spiteful and I want my son to know my parents. I don't know what else to do or what's right.
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Sorry you are going through this but I wanted to kudos you on having a talk with your mom and opening that line of communication. I know it was probably rough because she said those hurtful things but at least you know you did your best to express your feelings. I think that's all you can do for now but at least you tried!!
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The last time my MIL was visiting, my husband planned a date night with me and my MIL faked sick at the last minute so that she didn't have to watch the kids. After he had cancelled everything, she made a miraculous recovery and managed to eat several pieces of pizza and drink a bottle of wine with dinner.
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I'm sorry. That makes me very sad your your family. We have a similar issue with my in laws. They asked to watch our older lo once when he was just born and we were visiting them in their brand new home. So basically they wanted us to get out of their house in a town in the middle of nowhere that we had never been to before and had no idea where we could even go. It was really weird and awkward. After that we asked one time for MIL to come help out with lo when I had a stomach virus that landed me in the hospital and I was pregnant and we were moving the following weekend. We were going to be home and she didn't refuse, she just never showed, wouldn't answer the phone and changed the subject without acknowledging it when we asked what happened. I completely lost respect for her then because in my opinion family should be there for you if you really need it. Sorry so long, just venting. I am sorry you are dealing with this but at least know it is not just you.
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I don't have personal experience with this issue, but I wanted to add an anectode - my SIL has a b!tchface MIL who has washed her hands of looking after any grandkids (she had them for a half day on Thursday for a year or so). Now she doesn't even make the effort to visit them even though they're only 20 minutes away - only on their birthdays or if they go there for easter/xmas. We were at her house for a birthday party this year, and The MIL was bragging away about her holiday plans, rather proud of herself that she doesn't have to babysit and making mention of it. Well, SIL had enough, and loudly proclaimed in front of everyone - "Thats great, if you don't bother spending time with them now, I'm sure that when you're a decrepit old lady in the nursing home they won't be visiting you either!!" bahahahahha mega hi-fives in the kitchen after that one!!
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@Cherrybee: My mom is also jealous of my MIL. You're not alone in that regard either. I don't understand it. Her mother also watched me every day until I was 5 (I loved it!)... so I really thought she'd be all up in my house and I'd have the opposite problem I do now.
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My family lives 6 hours away and my inlaws live here. They never offer to watch kids and I know they wouldn't either. They just aren't kid people...which seems weird considering they had children. Not a big deal to me--I personally don't want someone watching my kids who doesn't want to. I get sitters and they love my kids so I'm more than happy to pay to get someone to watch them so I can do errands or have me time.
I wonder if you talked to your mom about it as wanting her to have more of a relationship with LO, she would get it? Not that you are pawning her off. I know that LO became so close with my parents when they were regularly watching her. LOs develop attachments with those that take care of them and respond to their needs.
in fact, my parents have only been to visit us on J's first and second birthdays and twice around when he was born, once at the hospital and once at home. (They live 45 minutes away).
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