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The second made it better. Hoping the third does too!

This is a good portion of why we won't have a third.

I think that considering how a child will affect your marriage is something every responsible couple should do! Blindly hoping it will all work out or expecting having a child to "fix" marital issues is really unfair to everyone involved. I think the first step is getting on the same page about whether or not you both want another child. I think having a baby when you aren't both 100% on board is a recipe for resentment. If you both decide having another one is the way to go, have a talk about the things that caused problems the first time around so you can both be prepared and work on what you can do better/differently to avoid unhappiness with each other during the stressful time of having a newborn.

It's not the main reason we're one and done, but I guess it has influenced us (me). before we had lo, we were so sure we'd be on top of maintaining our own relationship, making sure we'd have "us" time, etc. In reality, it's been hard primarily because I am a control freak and cannot trust anyone but my mom to put him down for bed, and she already watches him during the week so I feel bad asking her for more of her time. and the thought of getting ready and going out after Lo is in bed (if we were to hire someone) is just not appealing to me. because that'd mean we would be leaving the house at like 8 at the earliest. I have high sleep needs and I don't like the idea of losing sleep, even if it means a night out with DH! So anyway, all this to say that I can only see these things getting trickier with more than one.

The second definitely improved our marriage but up until his birth I was convinced we would be a mess. However in between babies we had a miscarriage @ 12 weeks, moved, and I changed jobs, so we had a lot of flux to prepare us for baby 2. In comparison to all that, another baby felt easy just because we already had an idea of what to expect. There are definitely times I reconsider my plan for 3, but mostly because we are in a good place with two and a third seems "optional" (we really wanted a sibling for LO).

I think long term, over the first 18 years having 2 is much easier on your marriage since the kids have each other and don't need 100% from mom and dad. The first year may be rough. After our second was born things were crazy difficult for 3 months and then got a lot better, they go better again after a year.

following. This is probably the #1 reason I'm scared to have #2 (and I don't know if we will). I couldn't written your OP. The first year of our LO's life was SO hard on our marriage and we are in a good place now and ugh... I don't want to go back. We are not our best selves when we are sleep deprived.

Two and three made us better parents and partners but there's not much romance in our relationship right now.
We fought a lot when our first was little and now we know what we're doing and don't fight about parenting styles anymore.
We need a date though.

@Adira: you aren't a downer. I think you gave honest feedback. I personally don't see how adding another kid to your family wouldn't impact your marriage. It doesn't necessarily mean affect it in a bad way, but it has an effect for sure. It has to be more stressful and much harder to get time the two of you.

For us, the first was extremely hard on our marriage. We ended up going to counseling and things improved enough for us to want a second. Now our second is 18 mos and it's still really hard (if not harder) on our marriage. It's hard to make time for one another, and for each of us to take time for ourselves (something we both really need).

@pmrlady: I don't think it's a sad question, I think it's a really smart question. To me, giving my child a sibling is not nearly as important as my marriage (and the stability of my family). I think the biggest part of having a second is that your expectations are so much more in line reality . . . you don't have an idealized version of what your family will look like because, chances are, your ass got kicked a bit here and there with the first. Now that you know what's up, so to speak, I think it's easier to find/make peace with where you are.

We were one and done for a long time . . . our first was hard in so many ways, and our relationship really took a beating. When things started to smooth out (after LO turned 2), it took a lot of frank discussions, and a lot of time, to flesh it all out, deal with it, and to let it go (it was not a smooth or pretty process either, but we couldn't keep going without dealing with several ever-present elephants in the room). I am now pregnant with our second. But I can honestly say that but for our journey, I would not have had a second.

So many hugs to you!

@looch: I totally agree with your first paragraph.

@Adira: I think that's incredibly brave to admit, and just wanted to add that I appreciate your honesty and openness as well.

That's a very good question, I think. For us, it does have a negative effect that we have kids... 99% of our fights are about them! Plus we get into all kinds of stressful situations that wouldn't come up otherwise, like being chronically sleep deprived, or not being able to do stuff we love without planning it out months in advance... never mind going from feeling like we make a decent income, to feeling rather poor. But then I remember that we really wanted them to be in our lives, and when we thought it wasn't going to happen we were so sad. Admittedly, we were hoping our family would come through more for us and at least watch the kids now and then so we wouldn't have to send them to day care sick, but we're getting by without them, and things will get easier eventually.

This is something I worry about. I'm pregnant with #2, who is a surprise baby. We had a really rough time adjusting to having one. It totally rocked my husband's world and he definitely resented having to give up the immense amount of time (and money) he was used to devoting to his hobbies. The second winter (after she turned one) was the hardest. I anticipate that adding #2 is going to be difficult, but we will get through it. The first three years are going to be difficult with the reality of two in daycare, but in the end, things will be fine. Something else that will help in our situation is that now my husband has a bike trainer, so he can actually work out at home instead of grumbling if there isn't time/money for him to get out to the trails.

For reference, we've been together for 11 years and married for almost 9, so we had a lot of time as a couple before adding one kid, let alone 2.

@Truth Bombs: Thank you!

I was one of the ones who claimed that her marriage got better so I want to offer some context...it got better once we realized (well I realized) that it had to get better or there wasnt going to be a marriage anymore! But for us that shift happened prior to the second baby's birth so we had a lot of motivation going in. Having another truly forced us to realize that we were basically all we had in the world. I'm not saying we don't both have other things going on, but without flexibility from each other we can't take much time for those things. We came to terms with doing things separately a lot more than we did before. We stopped trying to jam our schedule and stopped comparing the present to our childfree days. I stopped comparing myself to the perfect mom and started speaking up assertively (instead of passively complaining as I used to do), when things got bad. I also stopped thinking of divorce as failure and started thinking of an unhappy marriage as failure. I'm definitely a fan of the whole woo woo "unconscious coupling" notion that if a relationship isn't serving you, then let it go. But accepting that was part of learning how to cope with the realities of marriage and how to work within the boundaries. I think that having two made me realize...OK divorce is not a failure but it really isn't an attractive option with two so we better make it work and happily. Funny enough, the research backs this notion:
http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/everything-kids/happiest-parents-have-four-or-more-kids-study-says/

I'm not going to test this out myself, but I find it really interesting nevertheless.

Not trying to say that this is what would work for everyone and my husband and I have done some pretty crazy stuff to try and improve our relationship, but I don't think it is dishonest or pie in the sky to say that your relationship can improve in spite of the addition of a new child. In fact, if the opposite were absolutely expected, then surely why would anyone have another? For everyone it is a crap shoot. The only times I have been able to improve my marriage in a positive way have been when I was willing to change the parts of myself that I held dear to me, and vice versa for my partner. So perhaps a litmus test would be, do I feel too stretched thin to change?Do I feel my marriage deserves the sacrifice? At my last therapy appointment I flatly told my therapist I did not want to change and she just laughed at me and said, well at least you're honest.

I really like Gottman's seven relationship qualities. It is a pyramid, with friendship at the base. I think there are many times my marriage was on the brink if it were not for the fundamental friendship and the memory of the pre baby years we spent together.

In many ways baby 2 was healing for our marriage. For example the day my 2nd was born was the happiest day of my life. The birth of my first ranks MAYBE in the top ten. Just because with my first I was terrified. I have to give many tasks to my husband that I kept to myself with the first, and this has healed much of the resentment I felt the first time around when I was hell bent on doing it all myself and then resenting everyone who didn't save me from myself. Maybe it is kinda crappy that it took having a baby to heal those wounds, but I must say it did. Same thing happened with my parents. I gave them more latitude with the second and also was more up front with them out of necessity and this has improved our relationship a ton. But it hasn't been a conflict-free change.

@Adira: I admit that I hold back a lot on HB because though I love my husband (a lot!), he's not my best friend/do everything with/date nights, etc.
Marriage is hard!

I know a lot of couples that separated/divorced after their second child.

I don't know if adding a second child would affect our marriage, but it definitely would throw the tightrope balance that we do on a day to day.. at least right now. And adding more stress to life would probably affect our marriage.

I feel like having our first was harder on our marriage. Our second didn't make it worse, we knew more about how to look after a baby etc. With both of our children, my DH had had long periods of unemployment right after their births so being in each other's pockets hasn't been easy.
I feel like the number of children won't impact on us as much as the fact that we do have children and therefore don't have time to ourselves and I struggle with being touched out by the kids. Once they are a little older I think we will invest more time in each other again.

@pmrlady: We only have one at the moment so take this for what it's worth! Having LO was a tough adjustment (for me moreso than my husband), then we moved,far from family etc. so we decided to either have a large gap between kids or just be one and done so that we could focus on our marriage, ourselves and our LO for a while. LO just turned 3 and we now feel ready, that we are solid enough in our marriage and in ourselves and that we have had a lot of one on one time with LO. So perhaps consider waiting a year or two when you might feel more solid and like things are more under control if that makes sense and then a LO#2 might feel like a more manageable adjustment. I am also a HUGE fan of 'preventative therapy' if that is an option. I knew that LO1 would be a tough adjustment for me so saw a therapist for most of my pregnancy and for a while after, sometimes with my husband, to keep things on solid ground.