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You've already gotten some great advice - I'll just add my two cents. We're only 6 months into being a family of 4 but I must say that DH and I BARELY talk or see each other because we're still tag-teaming the kids. The free time that we had with only one kid, is totally gone, which I think is the hardest part. He takes control of our 3yo most of the time we're all home together and I take the baby... a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm breastfeeding and the baby HATES and refuses the bottle, so I'm still pretty chained to him.
We both work full time and he's out the door before I get up with the kids, and then I get home and it's dinner, playtime, bath time, bed time, and then we're totally exhausted and usually just go to bed early.... and not even sleeping in the same room because the baby is still up 2-3x a night and DH can't get back to sleep once he's up.
We don't even have time to fight! It's been exhausting going to two kids honestly, but great too.... No more kids for us after this, and while the baby is A LOT of work, he's the best and so sweet (even though he won't sleep, ha), and it's awesome seeing our older LO loving the baby.
The good thing is we know this phase is temporary, and the babe is ALREADY 6 months old... We're starting to get out on dates here & there, and working on getting the baby in his own room, then we get get back to sleeping together.... Sorry, kind of a ramble here - but we're in the middle of it and it's been tough, but going fast... and we both see the "light at the end of the tunnel" --- what helps us, esp my DH, is planning ahead. So we have vacations booked, and fun things to look forward to and plan that helps get us through what we know will be a short-lived tough time!
Good luck, i know it's a HUGE decision and heard a lot of people say they thought going to 2 was easier, but we have found it to be tough! Having A BABY the second time is easier for sure, but then you have a baby AND a threenager and that's been the tricky part.
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Going to 2 was harder for me in every single way than 0-1 was (worse HG, traumatic birth, very bad PPD, colicky newborn and an under 2 year old), except for the impact on my relationship with DH. Having our first was much harder on us, having our second was easier on us regarding our relationship. We feel very solid, and happy with our 2 girls!
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Having our 2nd has been very hard on our marriage, and I'm sure D's medical emergency and chronic health conditions made it even harder to deal with. I started writing blog posts many times but ultimately didn't want to our our struggles out there so publicly. As the kids get older it's easier in a lot of ways.
I hope you sort out what's best for you all together!
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I'll be another one to say that number 2 is taking a toll on us. Though we are not that far into it yet (DD2 is just 3 weeks), I know it will get worse before it gets better for us.
Our situation sounds a bit like yours. My husband didn't want another and I did. Once I resolved myself to being done at one (and starting to see the bright side of it), we had a (sort of) surprise with number 2. Right now, we are struggling with lack of sleep and lack of time and his "told you so" attitude in regards to how hard it would be with a second is making it even harder for me to bond with DD2. Since we have to divide and conquer, DH tends to handle my 3yo and I take the baby. It has really been hard on me to have very little time with DD1 and to see how much she is currently preferring DH over me. Silly, I know...but I feel like I'm missing out on all the fun stuff they are doing. She has recently really started to become her own little person that you can have real conversations and DO a lot more with, and I feel like I'm missing out on a small piece of her growing up. I'm sure a lot of it is still postpartum hormones and such, but I find myself missing her tremendously and not coping well with DD2. I find myself wishing at times we had stopped at one (again, terrible I know - but I know it will pass).
On top of this, I think DH is unhappy with the lack of freedom he now has. I've done bedtime solo twice now and it as been brutal. (My 3yo is a huge challenge at bedtime.) It used to be easy for him to grab a drink with a friend once or twice a week or travel for work, but we aren't at a place yet where I can easily manage the both of them. I'm already dreading how much harder it might get when I'm back at work too!!
However, there are some other factors playing into our recent issues involving a major/risky career change DH is planning to make (one that I don't fully support at this time, but that's a whole other story), so perhaps that is complicating things more than it otherwise would.
I'm sure some of our current struggles will be a non-issue in a few months as, hopefully, the baby starts sleeping well and we find our groove. But...I do think it will be quite a while before we really have time for each other and get back to a good place overall.
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We won't have a third because we know what we can handle in our marriage. We don't think that a third child would be good for our marriage. Our first was so tough and colicky. Having our second, newborn time was easier and we handled it better overall. We still have issues with communication and stress. We sold our condo, moved, and DH lost his job all in a short span of time. That's been more stressful than balancing two kids and two parents. Finding time for ourselves has been hard as well as tough moments of support.
If anything, having a second kid reinforced our need to work on our marriage and communication. Our second showed us even more how to be a team together. I wouldn't say it strengthened because it's still tough as hell. Our vision about marriage and family is clearer. We're looking for a marriage counselor to work out some communication issues as well that we can't overcome.
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