I was reading an advice column about MIL/DIL issues and it seems these come up all the time. I see the conflict a lot in my mommy friends' lives too. Honestly, sometimes it totally seems to be the MILs "fault", but other times I secretly think the DILs are at fault (but since they are my friend I try to nicely point out the other view and still be supportive).
Do you think MIL/DIL conflict is more common than say MIL or FIL vs SIL conflict?
And why do you think that is?
pomelo / 5000 posts
Judging from how many books are sold an Amazon addressing MIL issues, I would say very common!
I had always wished I would have a great relationship with my MIL and we would be friends. It has not gone that way, and I know it's the same for many of my friends.
grapefruit / 4321 posts
I would say probably 75% of my friends have some sort of tension with their MIL, and for the most part, it usually arrises or becomes much worse once grandchildren come into the mix.
pineapple / 12802 posts
I think it's really common. In my own circle of friends (which is small), I am the only one who has a good (great even) relationship with my MIL.
The rest all have issues that could, truly, be either the MIL or DIL at fault.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
I think MILs/DILs probably butt heads because one is essentially replacing the other. Until my husband met me, his mother was the primary woman in his life and she handled much of his needs from buying him clothes to scheduling his appointments and just basic taking care of him (as much as needed because he was an adult and could take of himself for the most part). Once I was in the picture, I took on those roles. I buy his clothes. I remind him to schedule his appointments (and have scheduled them for him on occasion). I make him meals. I take care of him (in an adult-to-adult sense, not adult-to-child sense). I've essentially replaced my MIL as the woman in his life. That's probably hard for a lot of moms (and I'm already dreading the day that my boys will replace me with their own wives and not need me as much).
nectarine / 2821 posts
Do you guys ever think about the future and your son's potential mate ? So weird!
watermelon / 14206 posts
Females in general have a hard time getting along, so it shouldn't be a big surprise that MILs and DILs commonly dont' get along, either.
pomegranate / 3845 posts
@junebugsmama: this exactly. I try to put myself in my MILs shoes. I'm not always good about it, but I try to be. Sometimes we get on each other's nerves, but I try to have a good relationship with her!
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
I think it's common. But most of my friends don't have terrible relationships with their MILs. My MIL and I have had a couple of hiccups in our relationship where I had to set boundaries and such early on in our marriage, but since I've had DS our relationship has been pretty even keel and cool. She totally respects my place as the mom and becoming a mother has made me appreciate her more and think of her position before my own feelings a lot of the time.
honeydew / 7622 posts
I think it is very common. The two Aunts that I am very close to have 3 boys each and all but one are married- I hear a variety of issues that they have with their DILs. From what I see with my MIL (who has two boys) and my aunts I think it's because wives in many cases are the social planner for the family, therefore they control how much access their MIL has to their son and grandchildren. And in many cases the DIL may want to spend more time with her family/parents. Obviously physical distance plays in here too.
I think that if one or both people are opinionated/difficult or have a variety of other issues (alcoholism, NPD, etc) it makes the access issue above even more complicated.
I have a great relationship with my MIL, as long as we are home she can come to us anytime she would like (they have been living in a trailer for 6 months, and are now moving, so we have not gone to them since October). We just chatted for 30 minutes like we do several times a week. We have mutual respect for each others differences, and she really gives me to room to parent (and run my household) as I see fit and rarely corrects me or gives feedback.
But that's just me.
grapefruit / 4770 posts
My MIL told DH I stole her baby boy when we got engaged. Yeah, I think it's common!
eggplant / 11716 posts
Why do you guys think it's more common to have this conflict between MIL/DIls rather than SIL and inlaws?
The social-planner aspect? Men are less sensitive? (it hurts my feminist heart to say that), Parents are less possessive of their daughters than they are of their sons?
Of all my friends, I can only think of one guy who doesn't like his inlaws, but the women are more at around 75%. Makes me wonder what's going on.
eggplant / 11716 posts
and yes, I totally wonder this about being a MIL one day--I have two daughters, but what if I have a son in the future? Will some scary MIL gene take over my body and I'll treat the SILs different from the DIL? haha
grapefruit / 4321 posts
@Anagram: I think it's all those things together. Men are definitely less sensitive. My dad and my husband have a great relationship even though my husband has taken over a lot of the things my dad used to do for me (fixing things, car maitenance, etc). My dad doesn't feel like he's being "replaced". But also, I (happily) make a real effort to maintain a great relationship with my parents. So they never feel neglected or like they have to assert themselves into our lives because I make them a part of our lives. My husband doesn't make nearly the effort to keep his parents in the loop, so I think that makes my MIL become over bearing and not respectful of boundaries.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
@Anagram: I think of the saying "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life." I think we, women, in general, tend to rely on our mothers more than sons do. So even though I'm married, I still rely on my mom for advice and help. My husband on the other hand relies on ME now instead of his mom. I think that's why there's more tension between MIL/DIL than MIL/SILs or FIL/SILs. New wives tend to replace their MILs in many aspects, whereas new husbands don't replace their FILs or MILs as much.
Hope that makes sense.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@Truth Bombs: that kinda makes sense. I do think sometimes men aren't good at communicating with their own families, so then sometimes the wives get blamed. Although truthfully, I have some friends who hang out with their own families a lot, but would resent hanging out with their inlaws the same amount, so I guess it swings both ways.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I don't have problems with my in-laws? My DH is like, BFFs with his parents and calls/makes plans with them them all the time, so I don't have to be in charge of any of that.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@Adira: yeah that kind of makes sense. I'd say my husband relies on his parents as much if not more than I rely on my mom (for life advice and whatnot), so that might go a long way to making my in-law relationship easier.
eggplant / 11716 posts
Mothers of sons: What would your MIL "strategy" be if your son got married and suddenly stopped calling you/answering your calls/wanting to spend time with you on holidays?
grapefruit / 4817 posts
I actually can't think of anyone in my life who has real MIL issues. Most of my friends find things annoying here and there about their MIL's, but for the most part, they all get along well. I love my MIL and am thankful we have no real problems. There's friction every once in a while, like with all family, but we're pretty close.
pineapple / 12234 posts
It's definitely common. Although, not among my friends. They all love their MIL's. I have issues with my MIL but DH has the same issues with her. I'm not alone, haha.
pomelo / 5257 posts
It seems to happen a LOT -- and TBH, since I see it so much, I do also sometimes get suspicious of people who blame a bad relationship solely on the MIL. I know a few MILs who are just nuts, but in many cases I think it takes two people to sour a relationship. I never attempt to point that out to my friends, though, because I know they're really just looking to vent!
pear / 1503 posts
I've gotten along really well with my MIL up until I got pregnant. Then all of her issues started to bother me big time. For instance, she smokes cigarettes and pot. And she doesn't believe in getting adult boosters or flu shots. NBD, until I started to think how it all would affect my family. The smoking really bothers me, and DH and I have talked about it a lot, although for the sake of maintaining a good relationship with her and FIL, I haven't brought it up. She doesn't do either around LO, and she's never watched him alone yet, so our parenting expectations haven't been discussed.
ETA: That is all to say, I am beginning to understand how a change of viewpoint can adversely affect a relationship. Even when nothing else has changed.
pear / 1788 posts
No more common than mother/daughter issues! I think that women of different generations tend to have issues. Add in personality conflicts, you have drama. It's a female thing!
pomegranate / 3565 posts
@junebugsmama: I pray every day that my boys find someone nice and loving. My sister in law is pure evil and makes so many lives hell at times. I hope my boys don't end up with someone like that.
grapefruit / 4671 posts
I think it is extremely common. Most people I know have lots of issues with their MIL. I adore mine though. Truth be told I feel like a lot of people I know have a weird double standard when it comes to how they treat their MIL vs their Mum.
pomegranate / 3350 posts
I definitely have major issues with my MIL and most of my friends do to varying degrees. I can't say my issue with MIL in particular is because I replaced her because she didn't do much for DH from the moment he went to college (never visited him, only called him every 1-2 weeks, etc). It really has made me wonder how things will be with any future DIL. I know how I do not want to treat them but I am afraid of going too far the other direction and essentially losing my son because I can't get along with the wife. Talk about over thinking things!
pomegranate / 3565 posts
@Anagram: I would be so sad. I don't know honestly. I think my strategy is for them to be very family oriented from the start. Also to show them what alienation can do to a family. We have experience with a sister in law who has done that.
grapefruit / 4321 posts
@plantains: See I don't think it's weird to treat your MIL and your mother differently. For example, right after my daughter was born... I wanted my mom there. But I didn't want my MIL there right away while I was trying to figure out breastfeeding, etc. And think some in laws are respectful of that and some aren't. When my brother's wife had her baby my parents totally understood that her parents would visit first.
pomegranate / 3565 posts
@Adira: My husband still values his parents advice a lot. maybe it's because we got married later in our 30s? I don't know but I hope our boys are the same.
persimmon / 1363 posts
I think that it's common for MILs to feel a bit displaced by DILs and DILs to feel a bit judged and scrutinized by MILs, especially with parenting. In my own relationship with my MIL, we have that dynamic, made more complicated by the fact that my MIL is a difficult person with a fraught relationship with all of her children, and me as an DIL is no exception to this. I think it's important that our kids have a relationship with as much family as possible, so I just try to stay positive and keep the peace. I try to "own" my part of the bad dynamic, and not take every comment about my parenting personally, but it's hard!
watermelon / 14206 posts
@Anagram: If my sons stop talking to me, it's not my DIL's fault. They are in control of their own actions.
pineapple / 12234 posts
@Mrs. Microscope: I think so too. I know more people IRL who have issues with their own mother than issues with their MIL.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@plantains: yeah, why do you think that is? I mean, I have a mix in my group of friends--people who like their MILs, people who don't like them for very good reasons, and people who seems overly sensitive about things that I find to be NBD...it's that last group (the biggest group!) that I wonder about.
eggplant / 11716 posts
I found this online:
The Five Biggest Mistakes Mothers-in-Law Make:
1) Assuming your daughter-in-law wants your advice. Most don't want to hear "This is what I did so this is what you should do," says Apter.
2) Thinking the mother-son relationship will not change after his marriage. Instead, says Apter, "mothers should assume that they will need to negotiate" a new way of communicating with their sons. "Mothers have to find a new mode of asking for their son's help or giving him advice and getting access to him," Apter said.
3) Offering to help out with housework or disciplining the children. "Offers to help are often perceived as criticism," Apter said. "Walking into the house and saying, 'Let me iron my son's shirts for you,' implies to the daughter-in-law that you think that's her role, and she may bristle at that notion."
4) Trying too hard to be nice. "Some women are so worried about being perceived as an awful mother-in-law that they are too polite, they never say anything spontaneous, and that can put a real strain on the relationship," says Apter. "You shouldn't act as if you're worried that any disagreement could make the whole relationship fall apart."
5) Criticizing your daughter-in-law to your son. "This should be obvious but it's worth highlighting how damaging this is, because the son is very likely to bring up the topic with his wife," says Apter. Not only is she likely to get mad at the mother-in-law ("Why didn't she tell me to my face!?!"), she'll probably feel resentful toward her husband as well ("Why are you bringing this up to me? You're supposed to be on my side!"). "It just makes things worse," said Apter. "It's better to talk to your son and daughter-in-law together."
The Five Biggest Mistakes Daughters-in-Law Make:
1) Being thin-skinned. "Don't take offense at little things that aren't meant personally," says Apter. Daughters-in-law can be very sensitive to anything their mothers-in-law say about the appearance of the house or the behavior of the children, Apter said. "Daughters-in-law expect their mothers-in law to be critical and they tend to take offense too easily."
2) Taking a confrontational stand too quickly. If your mother-in-law expresses a view that differs from yours, you don't have to get your back up about it, Apter says. "You can just say, 'That's interesting, and I'm glad that worked for you, but I think I'd like to try it this way.' You can show respect for someone else's experience while still making it clear that you want to do things your own way."
3) Expecting equal treatment. "Don't expect your mother-in-law to care as much about your career and your potential as she does about her son's," Apter said. "It's not that she is incapable of valuing a woman's career, but she is his mother, and her son will always come first to her. It really helps if you expect that and try to see it from her point of view."
4) Letting things slide at the start. If you find that your mother-in-law is interfering too much, or visiting too often, or offering too much advice, don't put off talking to her about it, says Apter. "It is much better to start out by setting limits. Otherwise, bad habits become quickly ingrained. If a mother-in-law is good at manipulating things, once she succeeds at it, it's hard to change things later."
5) Failing to put yourself in her shoes. A mother-in-law is more likely to respect boundaries if she is reassured that she will continue to be a respected and important part of the family, and that you will make an effort to include her in your family's life.
watermelon / 14206 posts
@Truth Bombs: I agree. My MIL has sometimes overstepped and said things like, "my mom did this for me when I was pregnant." and at a few of these instances, I did actually tell her, "That's why I want MY mom to do it." She often has to be reminded that she's not my mom, and I'd prefer that my own mom do certain things for/with me.
pineapple / 12234 posts
@Anagram: I think if DS stopped talking to me as often, I would put more effort in. New relationships and young, growing families take time and need time to themselves too. So while I would respect that, I'd still want to come see them every few weeks or once a month. Both my family and DH's expect us to come to them, but taking 3 kids over to a house that's not baby proofed, without a place for baby to nap, no high chair, lots of pets, is hard. Especially when I'm alone. I wish they could come to us (as long as they call beforehand).
cantaloupe / 6791 posts
It seems to be very common! Most of my friends have issues with their MIL. I, on the other hand, feel very lucky to get along great with my MIL (more so than my own mom most days). She is very careful not to judge or overstep boundaries.
As a mom of two boys, I do think about this. I hope I'm lucky enough to have good relationships with my sons' future wives.
grapefruit / 4800 posts
I think there's a couple reasons. ive had a lifetime of knowing how to work out conflicts with my own mom but then you enter into a different family that have different ways of dealing with or ignoring issues.
Raising children brings out lots of differences and I think it can be frustrating for MILs to see things they strongly judge as wrong and try to gain control of the situation. I know I do lots of things, down to the way they dress, that annoy my MIL so it is frustrating for both of us since she wants to tell me how to do things right and I have my own strong opinion of what is right for our family
pomelo / 5791 posts
I definitely have MIL issues and so do a vast majority of the women in my life. It's sad really.
persimmon / 1096 posts
@Anagram: I have two boys and a so-so relationship with my MIL, so I totally think about this.
The thing is, I truly believe the tone of the relationship is established early by the MIL and how she reacts to her son and his partner as a "unit." I think way too many MILs try to be controlling, go into the relationship with preconceived notions about another woman trying to "steal" their son, etc. It starts on a bad (or at least tense) note and becomes more of a power struggle from there.
I sincerely hope I can approach it differently - I want my sons to find partners that they can be totally devoted to, people who are the loves of their lives and makes their hearts complete. That is not my role as they become adults. I'm their mom and nothing will ever change that, but their future wives won't be "stealing" them from me - they're not mine to keep!
I hope to be great friends with any future daughters in law, and I plan to approach it as... this is someone my son loves like crazy, who's going to raise my grandchildren, and it's my job/privilege to get to know her and offer help if she wants it, companionship if she wants it, and respect and understanding if she doesn't. We don't have to be best friends, but we're not going to be "rivals" or at odds. Hard to be at odds with someone who doesn't want a fight (that would be me, in my ideal future).
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