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I also think the MIL's family makeup and the MIL/DIL belief systems have something to do with it.

My husband is the only child of a single mother (I mean, she's remarried now, but it was just the two of them for a long time). So I can completely see how she is extremely protective of her relationship with him and their time together. Her entire family lives in the same town, but DH moved 1.5 hours away for college, met and married me, and is never moving back. We moved further away, in fact - for his job, but still. It has to be tough on her, and although I'm not the reason for these things DH has decided to do (he wasn't going to live in the small town he grew up in either way) I think there's a part of her that sees me as a hinderance on her being close to DH.

We're also just very, very different people. Completely opposite ends of the political spectrum, different interests, different senses of humor. DH is a lot more like me in his beliefs and his interests, which I'm sure is partly a function of our relationship and partly just his nature. But again, I'm seen as kind of a radical and possibly a corrupting influence

I think in general, platonic relationships between females tend to be more complex than platonic relationships between males. In MIL/DIL relationships, I think everyone is tiptoeing at first, and no one really defines roles or sets boundaries in the relationship for fear of offending the other one. I also think that we have issues with our MILs that we don't with our own mothers because we've just had more time to get used to the way our own moms do things and come to terms with those ways, even if we don't like it!

My MIL and I used to butt heads quite a bit because, like so many other people here, I felt like she could be critical, bossy, quick to judge, etc. After one not very pretty argument, DH told me I needed to suck it up and apologize (even though he didn't think I was wrong - he and his mother also butt heads often)...so I did. To my surprise, this was met with a big hug, an apology, and a teary MIL who said she loved me as family and would have acted the exact same way with my sister in law (her daughter, who she is super close with). So while yes, she still drives me bonkers sometimes, just like she drives her kids bonkers sometimes, I'm able to put a bit more of a positive focus on things - that she is treating me the same way she would treat one of her own kids, for better or for worse.

@Truth Bombs: I can understand feeling that way, and this is where mileage may vary. I feel like there are times when it might not be instinctive for me to include my MIL in something but I do anyway. I do it because she has two sons and no daughters of her own which means that if I don't include her in things like wedding dress shopping then she will never have that experience and that seems a little sad to me.

That said, my MIL is very respectful and she admires me and really makes me feel welcome so I don't think she would do something I didn't want her to and if I told her I was uncomfortable with something she would understand. Of course there are many times that she talk about doing things with her sons forgetting that they have their own families now, but I just feel like she isn't doing it on purpose and a lifetime of habits is tough to change so it isn't worth being upset about.

I think it's very common, unfortunately.

I don't have a horrible relationship with my MIL. We are cordial to each other and I've known her for 10 years now. But, we are definitely different (personality and also generation wise, obviously). She's also passive aggressive so when she makes rude comments it's always in a "nice" tone which of course DH doesn't realize. And the complaining.. Ugh. She's always so negative. But in general she's ok and I tolerate her. But there's definitely unspoken tension I feel sometimes, it started when I was wedding planning and has definitely been worse since DS was born.

I do think some of the things people complain about with their MIL are legit, and other times as PP said its kind of silly.. Like complaining they're buying your LO clothes without asking you what they like. Who cares? Just say thank you and don't put it on them.

@Maysprout: Yep. I had a csection and DH took a week off from work. After he went back, my mom came over during the day for a week. I just wanted my mom (even though MIL still came over daily for visits) but she was still upset that I didn't ask her to stay over to help. I just wanted my mom because I'm more comfortable with her -- and I think she forgets what that feels like - I can guarantee she didn't want her MIL around all the time after she had DH, because she was/is super close with her mom and only had a so-so relationship with her MIL.

@Adira: Aw. I think it really just depends on the child! I really don't think it has anything to do with how the father is with his mom at all. Mainly because my FIL makes barely any effort to see his mom, but my DH has always been close to his mom - they see each other at least once a week and talk almost everyday on the phone.

But I hear you, I think about this a lot because I have a son and am expecting my second son in October. It kinda makes me sad sometimes because my mom and I are super close still and I wanted that same kind of relationship with a daughter.

@NurseDMB: Same here! I'm close to my mom, so I was hoping for a similar relationship with a daughter, but I have two boys. Fingers crossed one of them takes pity on me and is still good with the communication in adulthood, haha.

@jape14: So true!

I don't have much relationship with my ILs (because of distance and language barriers), but thinking about my mom's relationship with her DIL, I think a lot of it is the differences in family cultures and expectations. My mother is the social director in our family and has always been the one to reach out to my father's family, buy them Christmas gifts, arrange family vacations with them, etc. My SIL expects my brother to do it for his family and when he doesn't, she doesn't pick up the slack.

Because in our family culture it is typically the women (my sisters and myself) who keep in contact, my mom kinda expected my SIL to do it and gets really frustrated when there is nothing from either of them. (Like even an acknowledgement that the kids received the birthday gifts.) But then she hears about all the things that my brother's family does with his wife's parents and is jealous/disappointed that our family is not as involved when she tries so hard.

@travelgirl1: That's sad. I can't imagine feeling that way. I'm sure my boys will have girlfriends I don't approve of or like, but I can't imagine thinking that NO ONE is good enough for them! My future daughter-in-laws will be the only "daughters" I have, so I hope I can be welcoming of them into our family!

@keepcalmcarrie: Agree with this.

@travelgirl1: While I do agree with you, that those articles can be terrible. The original one was about a father to any to-be boyfriends of their daughters.

Either way, it's a shitty way to start your non-existent relationship with any future spouses of your kid! Boy or girl!

All these comments about MILs are funny to me, because in my life it is FIL who is the drama queen. My MIL and I don't really see eye to eye, but I can get along with her, as long as she is in smaller doses (like I don't have to spend a whole day with her alone). Interestingly enough, FIL is the one who made up his mind years ago that no wife would ever been good enough for his son... I guess he is the drama queen? It is a bit strange, and it sucks!

This is so common among my friends. I think most of the issues that I have comes from MIL not being able to respect our boundaries. I'm not sure if its the same with my friends or not.