Especially if you WOH? Demanding I would say is 70-80 hours a week or more...
Especially if you WOH? Demanding I would say is 70-80 hours a week or more...
pomegranate / 3595 posts
@matador84: This is us. DH is a pediatric resident with no control over his schedule and I WOH. Things I did:
-dropped to 32 hours but kept LO in ft daycare. I use Fridays to run errands and clean the house so our weekends can be fun.
-lower expectations. Even when DH is home he can be exhausted. I just assume I will do all the parenting and all the house management and if he is able to help at all, it is a bonus.
-get help when needed. We have house cleaners come once a month so I just worry about surface stuff and let them do the deep cleaning.
-cut yourself a break. We do pizza once a week and I plan meals that are fast and reasonably healthy.
For us it helps that there are crazy months followed by calmer months but it gets old either way. It is a phase for now and in a few years DH should have better balance so that helps too.
apricot / 409 posts
Wow 70-80 hours a week is alot! My DH works about 60 hrs, which is kind of hard on me. I have a full time WOH job too, but it's 40 hrs. Still, alot of the taking care of LO responsibility falls on me. Drop offs, pick ups, bathing, feeding, food prep, etc. When DH is home, he's often exhausted. It's hard, and I imagine 70-80 hr weeks must be way rougher. Is that temporary long hours?
papaya / 10560 posts
@MamaCate: sounds a little similar to what I do. I have a cleaning lady that comes twice a month and that is a huge help. I can't drop to part time but my job is about 730-530 so I guess that isn't too bad. We eat pretty bad because I have little to no time to cook and two picky children. Ugh. It can just be frustrating.
@tiramisu: I do all child care pick ups and drop offs, pay bills, manage house, shopping, etx. Permanent job and hours but I find my resentment growing with week after week of leaving at 6 am and coming home after 7pm, plus frequent weekends. Not so much resentment that he can't pay attention to me as much as the kids.
apricot / 409 posts
@matador84: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear it's regular long hours. I feel you, I have growing resentment too and my situation isn't nearly as rough. Every so often DH and I get in a big fight when my resentment builds up from being overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated. I've been trying to accept this is what it is. Unless DH finds a 40 hr a week job, which I doubt he will, managing the household is just my responsibility.
We don't eat the healthiest either. There's just no time. If you live in an area that has grocery deliveries that might help save time. I also buy alot of frozen premade food that I just throw in the microwave or oven. And we do pizza every other week too.
Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing a great job. Hopefully your husband can eventually find a job with better hours and spend more time with the kids and you.
pomegranate / 3565 posts
Honestly - my mom is a huge help. DH works a shift schedule - a week of nights, followed by a week of days, and then a week off. He also can't really help even on days because he is exhausted ( his day starts at 3am).
I have someone clean the house once a month and my mom helps me with dinners often (she watches DS2 at my house). I also don't have high expectations for a clean organized house anymore.
papaya / 10560 posts
@Mamasig: I wish I had family close by. I was visiting my family this week (6 hrs away) and they all want me to move back. It's not in the card for us to move, but I think how nice it is my SIL has so much family help!
@tiramisu: it's like most of the time it is fine, but sometimes it is awful! I get totally frustrated on nights like tonight when it's 8 and he's still not home. Especially frustrating when I have a hard time putting the kids to sleep and he isn't here.
eggplant / 11716 posts
@matador84: what does your husband do? When does he typically leave for work and return?
My husband doesn't work anywhere near 70-80 hours a week, but he's rarely home from work till 7:30 pm and often later. But he doesn't leave till 8, so he's around in the morning.
During the school year, I am up at 5:30 and leave with LO by 6:40 am because I have an hour commute (a bit longer with daycare pick up and drop off). I also do all of the grocery shopping and cooking.
We don't have any family nearby and we don't have cleaners or anything. But DH helps do all big cleaning on weekends.
We're about to have #2, and I'm honestly not sure how it will work when we have two.
The good thing about my job is that LO and I arrive home by 4:15, so I have time to run errands, play with her, figure out dinner, etc. it would be so much harder if I didn't get home till 5:30.
=(
In your situation, I wouldn't feel bad about convenience foods. You can only do so much.
pomegranate / 3595 posts
@matador84: Hugs mama! It is hard, especially when you are solo parenting in the morning and night! The crockpot helped a lot for meals. Do you gave any mom friends in the same boat? My DH was out of the country for a m&ms nth right after LO turned two and I had a friend whose DH was also working a lot of long hours. We took turns having dinners with the kids at each other's houses. It was a nice break from our routine and a way to get some adult time. You can always vent here if that helps!!
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
Well he works more like 60 but he travels. So 3 or 4 days I do everything. Then when he is home I usually still do everything at night cause he works late(at home). If he can he stops and does bath and bedtime. We just try and make the most of the weekends together.
Him and I are both ready for this project to be over! It is killing him.
papaya / 10560 posts
@Anagram: well if it's any consolation, I was very worried when I was about to have my 2nd that it would not work for us. My lo2 has been a very easy baby and the transition from one to two is not much different other than I am still really tired. it's a real doozy when I get home at 6 or later with the kids, I still have no idea what is for dinner (meal plans don't always work for us...) and then end up loading them back in the car to drive through somewhere.
@MamaCate: I do have a pretty strong network of girlfriends who are supportive of me and that helps. It helps more for venting and moral support...not when it's 8 and I can't get either kid in bed, ha! That is a great idea about switching off dinners.
clementine / 856 posts
My DH works about 65 hours a week, and at least one weekend a month. And honestly, it's a big reason that we're sticking to one and not planning to have any more. I don't think it's fair to me to have to shoulder much of the parenting load, and I have a lot of anxiety about baby sleep, so yeah we're one and done.
papaya / 10560 posts
@BabyTsMom: you might be surprised once you have your LO how not bad it is. My DH's career is much more difficult to deal with than my children are if you can believe that.
apricot / 428 posts
@MamaCate: definitely agreed on lowering expectayions, or at least accepting that the lifestyle isn't shared by all and that's OK.
grapefruit / 4066 posts
Hugs! My DH works really long hours and isn't home until 9 most nights, it sucks! Doing all the daycare drop offs, pick ups, meals, getting LO clean and in bed all falls on me too. I am super nervous about what it's going to be like when #2 comes!
For me things that have made my life easier are many of the things @MamaCate mentioned. Especially the flex schedule and lowering expectations/giving DH a break. I work until 4:30 M-Th and then on Friday until 2ish. So even just getting a few hours on Friday to do stuff helps. No family of mine nearby, so I def feel for you there...
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
My husband usually works 40 hour weeks with lots of unusual hours and most weekends. He has to work 82 hours a week every few months and that kinda sucks but I am used to it since he has been doing it for 6 years.
I try to keep things simple with food and we eat a lot of sandwiches, rotisserie chicken, frozen veggies, soup, quesadillas and takeout during the hard weeks.
pomegranate / 3595 posts
It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in the solo parenting boat even though it is crazy how demanding some jobs have gotten!
We don't have family in town either so it has taken a while to build a network. I also grew up in a very egalitarian parenting household so it was a real adjustment for me the first year to see how much of the parenting and general life maintenance falls on me. Watching my DH I feel bad sometimes because if you are working 70-80 hours a week there is really not time to do much else. I have had to figure out what works for our family and our sanity but some days are better than others.
It is so hard when you finally make it to bedtime and you get shenanigans when you just want to be done too so I hear you!!
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
Aw man, I'm so sorry, that sucks so bad. My husband works a lot, but he works from home as often as he can so we can at least see him even if he can't help out. But there are periods when he's out of the house and has a 4 hour commute or he's gone all day on Saturday and those days are just brutal. The resentment thing is real, no matter how hard the other person is working. Its just so tough!
Here's how we try to make things work:
1. I basically make my own fully cooked frozen dinners. Most of this is due to DH's dietary restrictions and he's gotta pack all his meals, but I make fully cooked meals, label them, and freeze them. I make like 2-3 more portions than I need whenever I cook a meal (like 3x a week) and freeze it. In a few weeks, I have a good variety of things to eat. In the mornings, I pop some dinners in the fridge to thaw and then nuke it at dinner time. This is great for things like soups, stews, meatloaf, pasta, lasagna, shepherd's pie, jambalaya, curries and rice, leftover rotisserie chicken, and grilled meats and sausages. A lot of times, its really not fancy - its like leftover chicken leg, a scoop of brown rice from the rice cooker, and a scoop of frozen mixed veggies. But between freezer dinners, actually cooking something a few nights, takeout/pizza, and some backup staples, we have food. If I have to cook something every night, even if I've planned for it, I'm probably going to skip a night here or there.
2. Try to include DH where we can. My husband spends a lot of time in his car when he's commuting, so sometimes I just call him on speakerphone and chat with him and let him talk to the baby (DS is only 10 months so he can't really interact, but he recognizes Daddy's voice). We check in a lot with each other during the day and I send him pictures and video as much as I can on our phones. This makes me feel like we're connecting and that DH gets an idea of how our kid has been doing and gets a little motivation to get through the day. Maybe your husband can call or FaceTime in the same way and say hi to the littles and if they are old enough, maybe tell them a story over the phone before bed. Or maybe you can get your kids to make a picture for daddy to look at when he gets home from work.
3. Leave certain chores for DH to do. There are some chores that are just designated for my husband and often times he'll hop right to it as soon as he's in the door and before he even changes out of his work clothes. That makes me feel like he cares about what's going on at home and is trying to help me out. When DS was an infant, it was the bottle wash and sterilizing. Now its washing the sippy cups. DH always clears out the diaper genie and kitchen trash, gives baths when he's home in time, gets DS up in the morning when he's around for it, and always checks to see if there's a load of laundry that has to be moved or run when he gets home. On the weekends, he always takes out the trash and drags the cans back in and he actually takes care of all the bills. In truth, all the bills are automated, but he sets it all up and I just don't deal with it. The last thing DH does before bed is to set up the coffee for the morning so we have that the minute we wake up!
4. Spend time encouraging each other every day. Usually right before we doze off we chat a little bit and we will just vent about what sucked about our day and commiserate. Typically after our vent sesh, we will say something nice to the other person. Like I will say "That sounds awful, I'm really sorry. But thank you for working so hard to support our family. DS and I love you very much and we know you are doing your best." And DH will say something like "It sounds like DS was a jerk to you today. I'm sorry I wasn't around to help out more. The dinner I heated up at work was really delicious. I'll make sure the garbage is out tomorrow before I leave for work, okay?" Its sounds trite, but its our way of acknowledging that the other person is working their tail off, we're both in this together for the good of the same family, and it gives us the energy to do it all again the next day. DH has told me that by saying things like that or sending him texts encouraging him during the day, he gets a huge boost and it makes him work harder (and usually faster) so he can go home. Or I'll text him to vent and say our child is a terrorist and he will say something encouraging back and tell me he will try to get home as soon as he can. Even if he gets home late, just him telling me that makes me feel better.
5. Pre-pack as much breakfast/lunch/snack stuff on Sunday nights as you can. DS doesn't go to daycare yet, but I do this for DH. One shelf of our fridge is all DH's lunch/snack stuff. On Sundays I pack sandwich packs (2 slices of bread, separately wrapped lettuce, pickle, and meat) and make snack bags of baby carrots and wash fruit that keeps well like grapes or apples. On the counter we have a tray of dry snacks (bars, cookies I've bagged up, etc). DH just grabs that plus a frozen dinner on his way out in the morning and I imagine you could do the same for daycare food. Just pack 5 of whatever you would send, focusing on fruits and snacks that can keep all week long (grapes, blueberries, apple slices, steamed broccoli, quesadillas, pasta, meatballs, sausages, shredded rotisserie chicken, peas, corn, etc). Pre-bag the puffs or Goldfish crackers or whatever. Then you just have to set up the milk and sippy cups every night. If cold cereal isn't an option yet, make a batch of pancakes or French toast on the weekend, cut it up into bite size pieces, throw it in a gallon Ziploc bag and nuke a handful every morning for 30 seconds.
Hugs hugs hugs.
grapefruit / 4800 posts
Sucks. My dh was a first year resident last year and my biggest goal was to maintain his relationship with our kids ( or keep building one in dd2 case). My oldest is very attached to him and it was hard on her She would stay awake a lot of nights just so she could say goodnight to him.
We simplified meals, still ate healthy but weren't all that creative. House was messy and I would have hired someone to come clean sometimes if I was at all type A. And we had lots of visitors and lots of mommy/ kid dates on the weekends. It gets lonely not having your buddy around.
But I'd figure out what things are causing you stress and hire help. Your and his relationship with each other and the kids are important and it's so hard to squeeze that time in with crazy hours. I think we did a really good job of making sure kiddos had dad time but even still that was the hardest part seeing the impact crazy hours had.
clementine / 806 posts
This is so helpful. We both WOH, and DH has had crazy hours this week. Starting Sunday, he is about to start traveling 4-5 days/week for the next 3 weeks. After we get though July, he will have no travel and more normal hours for a year (!!!!) but I'm nervous about getting through the month with so much solo-parenting.
pear / 1961 posts
Aside from just generally lowering my expectations (for everything from having a clean house to meals to me working out), the most helpful things I found were: Trader Joes prepared foods (frozen sides, rotisserie chickens, heat-and-serve meats like carnitas), cleaners once a month, and having a daycare that provided meals. Despite the meals not being exactly what I would prefer, not having to shop/prep/think about LOs eating during the day was excellent. Honestly I thought everything got better once I didn't have to prep bottles and wash everything (pump parts, etc) each night.
clementine / 856 posts
@matador84: lol, no I can't believe that!! I give you lots of credit, seriously. If he's around on the weekends, I'd try to pre-plan as much as possible, as others were saying. It might make the weekdays go smoother. hang in there, you're doing great!
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