Hellobee Boards

I agree with @hilsy85.

Just thank her for her advice and say something like, "well, we'll have to try that." or "I'm writing that down for things to try if <insert preferred method> doesn't work for us." That way she feels acknowledged and hopefully won't feel the need to continue on with the subject.

I find arguing or trying to educate some people from different generations on what the popular childcare methods are now can be a losing battle. Better just to acknowledge their opinion and hope they move on!

If it's my own mom, I'd tell her how her behavior is making it very difficult for me to want to see her. That she needs to respect my decisions and learn to keep comments to herself! She had her turn at parenting, it's your turn now.

It's harsh, I know, and it probably won't work for most ppl, but my mom is an extraordinarily stubborn woman and very into "her ways". I've learned that I need to stand my ground when it comes to important issues.

@ScarletJwl: How challenging. My mom usually backs off immediately if she knows she is deliberately pissing me off, but she usually rolls into the guilt trip arena (you hurt my feelings, I'm so sorry I never meant to hurt you, etc. etc.)..which is a whole other conversation that I try to avoid.

@autumnlove: YIKES. Does she have issues with her own weight? That sounds like she is projecting. Why would she harass you about something like that if it is often such a sensitive topic for women? I would not be able to handle that at all.

First, I try to gently educate them. If that doesn't work, I ignore them.

with my mil, we do the "ok", nod a couple times, and then hopefully she stops. my DH, who is usually pretty chill, but if she pushes too much, depending on his mood, he will sometimes give her an irritated response or starts defending our decisions, and she usually backs off.

@autumnlove oh that sucks about the comments your MIL and mom makes, I would be sooooo mad if someone told me that you deserved gestational diabetes, that's way harsh.

@crumbs: Good suggestion, going to try this the next time things get difficult.
@highwire: My mom has a huge guilt trip arena, too! Nothing is her fault
@autumnlove: What your mom said was horrible!

Our moms sound the same so sorry to hear you are dealing with this. Here’s what helps me:
1) Figure out the root cause. Every issue that my mom judges ends up being one of her own parenting insecurities from raising her own 4 children. For example, she spent So. Many. Conversations. trying to convince me to let my then 6-mo watch Sesame Street, saying I was not as interesting or educating as the TV could be. Only later did I realize she had let my younger brother watch hours and hours of TV before he started kindergarten. So now when she brings something up, I try to uncover any of her doubts about her own parenting choices and reassure her that she did fine but my choice is different. The problem with this is that it takes time to figure out the deeper issue, so usually a few painful conversations have already occurred, with a lot of “ok I’ll think about it” and “thank you for your opinion”.
2) Have support. Because I am bad at standing up to her in person, DH and I agreed that I can’t bring LO over alone. (We live flying distance, so this is relatively easy to do) My mom behaves slightly better in front of DH, but he has come close to whisking me and LO out the front door on a few occasions. Hm I don’t have any advice for this, because we haven’t yet had to leave their house because of her behavior, but we do have a simple exit strategy: I will make up some plausible excuse and DH will politely but firmly excuse ourselves and then leave. That way we (especially DH!) don’t stay and burn the bridge by saying something in the heat of the moment.
3) Control the environment. We’ve avoided inviting her over to visit our home, but have her “visit” through the webcam instead. This allows us more control over the interaction, in case we need to end it before it gets ugly. We can always blame a lousy internet connection...
4) Keep a calm tone. If your mom is like mine, the more she continues pushing an issue, the more argumentative she gets. I found that keeping my voice low and trying to at least sound calm helps by not contributing to her excitement.
5) Redirect the conversation. Well, it’s worth a shot. But when she continues to push the issue, then it’s time for “Thank you for your advice, please give me some time to think about it.”

On a positive note, despite our rocky relationship my mom is still clearly in love with LO and is so happy when she talks to LO over the webcam or in person... even if she is ignoring me, heh. :T

Phew, sorry for the essay! Good luck with this and hang in there!