This past weekend was my Dad's birthday so we spent the day at my parents' house with my sister. DD (3) ended up not napping that day. All in all she was really good all day, especially considering she didn't nap. A few times when she was whining or being little defiant my sister told her she was being "bad" or my dad half jokingly called her a brat. This is not the way I talk to my daughter, and honestly it usually doesn't help the situation, but I know if I said anything it would just be met with eye rolls. How do you feel about family members disciplining your Los? Have you had to say anything to them about it?
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I wouldn't even consider that disciplining -- more like name-calling. I understand your frustration, I wouldn't appreciate that either. I'd probably try to talk to your dad and sister individually and say basically what you said here, that it doesn't help the situation to tell her she's being bad or a brat and ask that they just let you handle it. If they roll their eyes, so be it.
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I hate the name-calling because my sister does this and I don't like it at all. I'm pretty protective and outspoken so nobody has said anything at this point. Nobody in my family would ever physically punish another child, and if it's a family function, the most anyone would do is tell you about your child's behavior so you can handle it. When we babysit, we do timeouts for each other's kids.
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I am very sensitive to family disciplining my kids because we live overseas so they rarely see them and don't really know them so I don't feel like it's their place. In your case, I would probably have said at the time "no, she's not a brat, she's just very tired and is struggling."
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I agree that that's not disciplining, that's name calling and not very nice. Not sure what I would have done, really. Then again, my LO also skipped a nap this weekend and slept poorly and I may have been the one calling her a brat
(in my defense no one slept this weekend!) If it's not something that comes up often, I guess I would ignore it or say something like, we are trying not to teach her those words. She's having a hard time because she didn't nap. Then let it go even if there are eye rolls.
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I think I'd be ok with family members disciplining the kids if they're really misbehaving, but anyone that's mean to the kids (even if it's supposed to be a "joke") doesn't get left alone with them again. Some of my family members have the tact of a wooden spoon, and when this happens I'm not sure they realize they're being mean, so talking to them is kind of pointless. I just keep their opportunities to say something dumb to the kids to a minimum.
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Well, no one is allowed to call my child names, so I wouldn't permit that for a second.
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I am ok with disciplining if it is needed...don't hit, don't climb, etc but not ok with name calling.
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@autumnlove: yes, I would want them to correct behavior like that. No yelling or anything but saying, no don't touch that or whatever is expected.
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@BeachMama: I don't really think that calling your kid a bad kid or a brat is discipline, so much as your sister acting like a brat around a tired 3 year old. My sister does this too with my 2 year old's perfectly normal 2 year old behaviour, and it drives me nuts! I usually say something like "she's not being a brat, she's just being 2", which earns eyerolls and I am sure my sister is thinking about how when she has a 2 year old, they WILL NEVER behave like that.
I also hate it when family members discipline my kids because we use gentle parenting, and everyone on both sides is very authoritarian. But that said, I usually don't correct anyone although we have absolutely banned physical discipline and I would lose my mind if anyone laid a finger on the kids. I do comfort my kid when she cries about the authoritarian type discipline, which earns lots of eyerolls from everyone too. So yeah, I know it takes a village and all that, but I absolutely hate it.
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I would not be ok with my family members labeling my child's behavior or mocking him or her. I also put that kind of approach on the same level as when adults try to scare children into behaving with stories. Children don't have enough experience to know when adults are being sarcastic and trying to be funny. It all just comes across as mean-spirited, scary, and shaming.
If my family members used the same techniques I did or took the initiative to redirect my LO with a positive approach I wouldn't mind. I will likely "train" my family on what I deem is appropriate long before my LO even needs discipline.
On Saturday, my mom and I noticed a little boy tearing up the Nordstrom shoe section. His dad tried to get him to behave, but the grandmother did nothing at all. I asked my mom, who wants to be a major caregiver for us, if she thought it was odd the grandmother didn't intervene. She said when the parents are around it's their responsibility to discipline-only. Given her thoughts on it who know is your dad and sis should have shared their displeasure with you Instead of going directly to your LO.
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As others said, this would totally not fly with me since it's name-calling. I'm all for others disciplining my child appropriately--his whole life others will "discipline" him, so he might as well get used to it. Luckily, my parents are super receptive to my style of parenting (even though it wasn't theirs), and work hard to use the kinds of phrases I use with him. They're a bit more lenient than I am, so rarely do they say something when I wouldn't have. My mom will often ask how I would have handled something or will happily read things I send/give her (she provides part-time care). But I also trust her judgment--if she's providing care, then she's the boss.
I prefer the person he's dealing with to discipline, so if he defies my brother's direction, my preference is for my brother to handle it. Of course, if he doesn't want to, I'm happy to step in, but to the degree he's comfortable, I think that's the best way for DS to learn boundaries. I think otherwise it would send the message that when you are with uncle and Mommy isn't around, you don't have to listen.
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In this case I would have a major issue with the name-calling--that's not discipline, that's just being mean. Eye-rolling or not I would definitely be addressing it.
In general I have no issues with the family (my mom and my ILs) disciplining E. We use the same method of discipline that D's siblings did/do, so it's consistent across all of the families, which definitely comes in handy when we're all together, or watch each other's kids. (And though it may chance as the kids all get older at their ages now it's very effective).
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In that situation I probably would have said "she is just tired" or somethin, but it wouldn't have bothered me. My sister and dad point our when DD is being a brat or whiny and gotta admit it's the truth sometimes. I am totally ok with family disciplining my kids, I am in the it takes a village camp so I will take all the help I can get. Everyone in our families is well aware we do time outs and correct behavior that is not ok.
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I have no issue telling family not to discipline my child unless they are babysitting and I am not there. We practice gentle parenting which is not what my family is familiar with. I have told all sitters family or otherwise our approach so hopefully they use that. My in laws watch DD 3 days a week but they have a more gentle approach and I see them picking
Up tactics from observing DH and I so I haven't felt any need to say anything otherwise/ -
Sorry, I realize that my example isn't really disciplining - I should have called it something else. Usually DD saves her bad behavior for me so my family hasn't had to discipline much. My mom has given her time outs a few times, or taken away privileges, which is okay with me.
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@pinkb: I'm ok with people calling out my kiddo when he deserves it, but I prefer to label the behavior rather than the kid. So I would tell my kiddo he is being bossy, but would not tell him that he is a brat. Or even "you are being whiny," but not "you are a whiner." That's a pretty subtle distinction, but I firmly believe labels perpetuate behavior. So calling someone a "brat" or "bad" is labeling, and thus I wouldn't be ok with it.
I can't find the article right now, but it discussed how using positive labels has a more profound effect on kids' behavior ("you're a good helper" is better than "you helped"), so to use labels for positive attributes, and talk about the behavior for negative things ("you didn't listen" is better than "you're a bad listener.")
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I would not be okay with what you described here but like others, I don't see it as discipline..
It's hard for me as I SAH, and I'm the main disciplinarian, so I even struggle keeping my mouth shut when DH has to discipline sometimes. That being said, sometimes it's just not possible for only us to discipline her. My beef is when it's done in ways I don't agree with. So far it hasn't been anything huge and she will never be left alone with those family members who have questionable ways so, I usually let things pass.
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I'm okay with actual disciplining (aka when one of my parents tells her no, sets limits, stays firm on our rules, etc). But yea calling a kid a brat is not helpful or appreciated.
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@BeachMama: I would say "I'm sorry, would you like us to leave? We don't mean to disrupt the party - she is cranky because she missed her nap." They will probably say oh no, its fine, etc. And then I would say "Okay, then I would appreciate if you wouldn't call her a brat or bad because of something she can't help. Again, we can leave if its a problem."
(in my defense no one slept this weekend!) Reply
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