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@Mrs. Jacks: Our 6 year old is like this. He gets frustrated, self-critical, and is often times embarrassed to do things he might fail at in front of others. We try to help him find ways to get through things he's overly focused on. For instance, he hated coloring, because he couldn't stay in the lines. So we stopped getting coloring books and instead I would let him color the paper all over and then I would draw things around his different colored blobs so that they were actual "things" he loved this. He now colors without an issue and if he goes outside of the lines, he will then create something (lots of ants) with the extra scribbles.

So maybe get her some paper that has letters on it already so she can trace them, or get her stencils, to practice with

Oh, and when I run into this we have conversations about how sometimes we need to try our best and sometime good enough is good enough. It is not something I would tell every child but we can't all use our best hand writing on every grocery list. We chat a lot about how to tell one time from another and what things always get our best efforts.

Other ideas for less permanent letter practice are colored gel (like hair gel) inside a plastic bag which she can trace with pressure from her finger; flattened playdough & a toothpick (or playdough inside a baggie); or a wet q-tip on a chalkboard.

Does she initiate the letter practice? If so, maybe it'd be a good idea to talk about small goals/boundaries along the "good enough" vein. "How many letter 'F's do you want to make before you pick a new letter/choose the best one? Let's choose between 5 & 10." Try to focus her on not erasing "mistakes" because they aren't bad or wrong & she can learn from them. Acknowledge where appropriate "Oh yes, that is a too-large loop, but your line is very straight for this one."

I think if she's very upset by the "wrong" ones & can't let it go, it's okay to put a limit on how many letters she can make at one time. I'd also ask her to look at the ones she drew and, even if she didn't like any of them enough, have her pick which one was the best out of the set.

@Mrs. Jacks: I think limiting the number of letters would be better. It may help her start to self-regulate as well. You can let her choose how many letters & that may make her feel better about it too. Does she resist stopping after time's up? At her age a countdown of number (You did 6, you can make 4 more & then it's time for a break) may be concrete than time/minutes.

How do you think she would respond to your doing the activity with her? Or another adult? Maybe you can really concretely model for her that way, and she can also practice a role reversal and help you pick your best letters? Is she the sort of kid who will learn and absorb emotional lessons from literature? Maybe you could choose some books about wanting things to be perfect and talk a little bit about it together. And I like all the other suggestions. With Ellie I find that just ceasing altogether for a while is useful-- but she's not one to initiate anything unless she is sure she can get it "right." The fact that L. is initiating the activity makes it a little trickier, in my mind.

I'm not sure if I was that way when I was little, but I had tendencies in grade school. What really helped was when my 5th (or was it 6th) grade teacher made us look up, and write out a ridiculous amount of words per week. We had to write each word and definition numerous times. Now I'm not saying to made a toddler write out words repeatedly, but perhaps making a game out of seeing how many words she can write out in a given time period can help?

ETA: I just rememebred (in case anyone's curious). It was 100 definitions each week. We got a list of 25 words we needed to look up, and had to write the definition 4 times. There was a lot of bellyaching about it as a kid, but that practice helped me immensely in high school and beyond!

I wonder of you could show her a time when you're not being a perfectionist? Maybe not with letters, but drawing pictures or something else subjective? Where you could acknowledge that they weren't perfect, but they were still great, and you're glad you were practicing it.

Another maybe weird alternative would be to show her things that are very diverse, like shells or leaves, and talk about how they are all slightly different shaped but are still great leaves/shells, whatever

@Mrs. Jacks: ugh. With what you were telling me on Sunday, I would feel hesitant to bring up this issue, and since they're response is at least compliance if not active encouragement, I'd be a little concerned they're contributing to the issue... I know you've already thought about this; I'm just talking it through.

I don't know. Lala is young enough that maybe the school's involvement wouldn't have lasting results? But then again, without their support, you might not see a big enough shift in behavior? Maybe with just your support and some time Lala will become a little softer all on her own. I do think the behavior should be monitored, but you might not need an agressive intervention quite yet.

@Mrs. Jacks: I asked those questions because I have noticed before how committed you are to protecting your daughter from things that have caused you anguish in the past and just wondered if maybe you saw the young you in Layla's behaviour, driving yourself to despair with a need to be perfect? I think that as long as she seems okay in herself, it's fine to let her practice over and over - it certainly shows that she is a hard working girl who perseveres. And while it is okay to be "good enough", it is also okay not master everything first time and to work hard to improve.

That said, I am dreadfully self critical and my pathological need to be perfect was revealed during some counselling a few years back to be the root cause of 10 years of clinical depression (from 15-25). So it is serious stuff and Layla is very lucky to have a mum who notices such things and keeps an eye on it.

As a former 3's teacher I agree that it's not unusual, but I second the suggestion to have her pick a favorite. This worked well in a kindergarten class I worked in.

I do think it is VERY likely a stage that will pass once she gains more mastery of writing. (Unlike drawing or say, building, most of the examples of print she sees are typed and therefore perfect. That's hard to reconcile with preschool handwriting.) If she's not upset, it may be something that is just no fun to watch but must be endured! And talking about accepting one's own work and how we build up skills by practicing never hurts.