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@Adira: don't worry, you're not complaining or coming off whiny at all. You have a need and a hurt and it's good to work through this, and of course we're here for you!!
One thing DH and I learned is that even though we may like different things, for instance I hate blowjobs, he loves them - part of being lovers to each other is being SELFLESS for the other person. I please him because I love him, and he pleases me because he loves me. And it's not even about "taking turns" or "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" - you have to have the mindset that even if you get nothing in return, you are giving to them because you unconditionally love each other.
When you discuss things, accusing my say "you never" is an ambiguous and accusatory statement that will only lead to a defensive argument. Starting off by calmly saying, "I feel like ___", and even initially offering something you feel you may need to apologize for. "I'm sorry I don't get into pleasing you as often as you'd like, I love you so much and I want to do this for you, will you forgive me."
Taking those steps - though hard because you may feel he is mostly at blame (don't we all!!), will speak volumes to him and when you start a "confrontation" with an apology and open vulnerability about your feelings, he WILL be caught off guard and 10 times less likely to get defensive and accuse.I hope that doesn't sound preachy - I just want to help!!
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@Coco Bee: You don't sound preachy AT ALL and you're sooooooo helpful! Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my posts and give feedback!
I think part of the problem for us, and I'm not really sure how to fix it, is that I feel like I DO do things selflessly for him. There are definitely things I don't enjoy doing, but I do them because I know HE does enjoy them. I even try to enjoy myself while we do them! And immediately after, he'll seem really thankful and appreciative of my efforts. But later he seems to act like I'm not doing ENOUGH and that even though I try to do things he likes, I'm not putting enough effort into them. Maybe he's not explaining himself well or I'm taking what he's saying the wrong way, but it just seems like he's not satisfied if I don't also LIKE the things he likes. I mean, I LIKE pleasing him and I do these things FOR him, but it seems like if I don't like the act in and of itself, it's not enough.
I definitely agree - stating things like "you never" is a terrible way to communicate and I know that when he says stuff like that, I immediately get defensive, and then he gets mad that I'm taking "never" so literal. I'm sure part of the problem is that the last time we really "talked" about this stuff was when we were arguing about it during my fertile period and I was definitely overly emotional because I knew it meant a BFN coming my way.
I'm probably not the best at being completely selfless either. I think part of me thinks "Okay if I do this for him this week, he'll do that for me next week" and then if THAT doesn't happen, I get REALLY upset. That's definitely what happened last cycle and I'm STILL upset about it, but I probably need to just get over it.
Relationship issues are the worst!
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