wonderful grape / 20453 posts
@Anagram: this is like, the dream experience, heh. I'd like to borrow your family....
eggplant / 11706 posts
@blackbird: I feel lucky when people talk about their families! It's not that any of us are perfect, but all the annoyances are minor I guess. Minor enough to be outweighed by the benefits, anyway!
We're actually thinking about renting an apartment nearby after LO #2 arrives, so my mom and in-laws (all retired) can take turns coming here for a couple of months and taking care of the babies when I go back to work.
@Anagram: I have a lot of friends who have really good relationships like that with theirs. I may not with mine, but it's the kind of relationship I want with my kids
coffee bean / 26 posts
I am 10 weeks along with my second and this has been on my mind since the beginning. With my first, I wish I had been more adamant about limiting the number of visitors from the beginning, but as a new mom, I had no idea what to do. We literally had family popping in the recovery room just as I had gotten there with the baby after my c-section and I would say we had numerous visitors every day at the hospital and in the week following at home. We have family in town and everyone wanted to see the baby at a different time and day. The hardest part was my parents visiting from out of town for a long weekend, even though they stayed at a hotel, they came over every day and all they would do is hold the baby or read/watch TV when I needed to nurse or sleep. They seemed to create more dishes and messes everywhere. Despite requests to do dishes, laundry, etc. it never got done and I was the one doing dishes while my mom held the baby! And my husband actually ended up cooking for us each night because my parents even got lost trying to go pick up a pizza one night. It was very frustrating, and I like I said, I had no idea how to handle all of it. Trying to talk about how hard a time that was with my mom now, she says, "well, it seems like you guys had everything covered." This next time, I am seriously saying no visitors for the first two weeks we are home (hospital visits are okay with me since I will be there for four days and there is no house to worry about being neat and I can just hang out in my bed while we talk/hold the baby). If you miss the hospital visit, you will just have to wait until we are good and settled at home. As for my parents, I have no idea what to do since they expect to come visit again this time and "help." At least this time they will have my older daughter to help with and entertain. But if this time, I see my dad sitting out on the back porch in the sun reading his newspaper and enjoying his coffee all morning while the sink is full of dishes and I am PP mess, I am going to scream
apricot / 309 posts
@pinkcrayon: Just reading that is so frustrating! What's wrong with people? Don't they remember what it was like when they had a new baby, or can't they at least see how tired and stressed you are, or maybe realize that new parents want to hold and bond with their baby even more than grandparents / aunts / uncles / cousins / friends do?
apricot / 411 posts
@MrsBananaGrabber: I really don't think they do remember, even if they've had multiple children. My mum didn't offer me any help whatsoever and I feel slightly resentful after reading all these posts about parents who wanted to help out!
pomelo / 5607 posts
Talked to DH about this, and he's totally fine with "being the asshole," as I phrased it. I'm very nonconfrontational, but he's fine with being as rude as he needs to if people don't get the point. Feeling a bit better. My mom is still going to be an issue, but at least it's just her.
grapefruit / 4110 posts
So with our first baby, I made the rule that no one could come for the first 4 weeks ish. My mom had to fly out so since he was late she was there at like 3 weeks but it was far enough. My husband was great and it was rough with him crying all the time. The in laws didn't bother to show up until he was 6 months old so I didn't have to deal with them. And my step mom came for two weeks when my husband went out of town sometime in the first 4 months. Luckily all situations really worked for me. I did need someone to baby sit my little guy at 4 weeks because I had to get out.
This time around I have people lined up for the first 3 months because I am going to work right away and daddy doesn't have FMLA. But having second one I know a bit more what to expect and am really happy with how it is getting set up. Again no inlaws only my family so I can be mean (and I have no problems with that).
olive / 50 posts
Quick suggestion, is Air BNB available in your area? All of our family live out of town as well, and it was really nice to have them nearby but not staying with us after the delivery. We explained the situation to the Air BNB hosts, and were able to negotiate a weekly rate. Also, my MIL stayed with us for a month after I went back to work so we could delay daycare a bit, and she lived with us during the week and stayed at the Air BNB during the weekends to give us some family time. I was so grateful for her help.
@elise626: I don't know what Air BNB is, but no one is planning to stay with us. My parents both work very close to our house, and my dad's house is very close as well. My in-laws will be staying with my dad while they're here for 3 weeks. So, thankfully, we won't have people here all night, but they'll all be just a few minutes away and will expect to stop by any time they like.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I am with Anagram on this one, my parents came when my son was 5 weeks old and it was wonderful. My inlaws, on the other hand, could have been engaged more, but I attribute their lack of help to me not asking for more help. I know my MIL would have absolutely been there if I had asked her to be.
nectarine / 2705 posts
I do think it's good to consider what you would like to have happen before the baby arrives. But maybe leave some room for adjustments once the baby is here. You never know how your birth will go, and if you will actually need more hands when the time comes. And I agree with everyone about having a list. Start making one now. It was exhausting making a list everyday for everyone that was in town when our little guy was born, but it was so helpful to have everyone occupied.
I'm considering how to handle this for baby #2. I wish I could say, "No visitors until 1 month" - but I feel like they all expect to be able to come to the hospital when he's born. I just really want the chance to have a better breastfeeding experience this time around. And I think that will require having no one else around. My mom was so distracting last time. And it was the holidays. And there was so much going on. No excuses, but it's just the way I feel about the experience first time around.
We definitely said no one stays here. But now that we have one child and another on the way, I'm not sure what it will be like with a newborn and if we will appreciate the extra hands to take care of our first son.
clementine / 880 posts
For years my mom has been telling people (but not me directly) that she would be staying with me for a month after i had a kid to help out. Once i got pregnant, she brought it up and i told her that we would not be having any overnight guests (she lives out of state) but that she was welcome to come and stay with other people (lots of local family) and visit us during the day as long as she called first. I said it was because I wanted to breast feed and not always have to worry about covering up around constant guests and that we wanted family time to get used to our new family of 3. At the time, when i was telling her this, she acted fine with it. Since then, she has brought it up a few times specifically to make me feel guilty - like at my shower when we were sitting at a table with aunts/grandmas,etc and she said "well she doesn't want me to come stay with her, so i'm not sure WHEN i'll get to see the baby" and made everyone at the table feel sufficiently awkward (thanks for making the shower cheery, mom!) and she'll bring it up here and there with the same "guilt" tone. Very frustrating! But i'm sticking to my guns!
On the other hand, my MIL is wonderful and would ACTUALLY be helpful and is welcome to come whenever she wants. She lives local, so we spend way more time with them than my family, and i think my mom is worried that the MIL will get more baby time, but she's SOOOO much easier to be around, so i know i'm more open to it.
Only one month to go until this baby gets here, so we'll see how it all plays out - i'm sure my mom will cause some havoc....
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts
I didn't limit visitors, however if someone called and asked us if we were up for visitors, and we were not...I said so and suggested another time. My mom stayed with us a few days, she asked, and it appreciated it. And both moms took a few days off at work to help me after DH went to work, this was lifesaving as I was recovering from C-section. I think USUALLY most people can respect and read the situation enough when they know it's time to go.
As for the waking the baby comment, ahhh hell no! the baby sleeps when the baby wants to sleep, you can admire the baby, and if the baby falls asleep in your arms you can hold the baby, but do not wake the baby. I would make that very clear, I don't care if she's grandma.
apricot / 485 posts
I would have liked to limit visitors in the hospital. It's already hard enough to sleep with them coming in every few hours to do something plus visitors I was exhausted.
I didn't mind at home if I was comfortable with them. I would limit visits to an hour or two tops if you have to "host." My mom stayed with us a week and it was FANTASTIC as she held the baby so I could sleep, made us food, and cleaned.
By the time my baby was 1 mo I was going to visit my parents and the in laws just to get out of the house and see people.
@mrsbananagrabber- Acht, I completely missed that! Well, good luck managing your family! Take care of your and baby's needs first!!
@LaughLines: Good luck with your mom! Stand up for yourself and your family!
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