I am sorry to vent here but I don't want to talk about this to anyone I know in real life. My Mother and Father in Law have always felt that I am not what they would have imagined or wanted for their son. Much of that has to do with the fact that I am not Japanese (or from a wealthy family). They were over this afternoon for lunch and when I was coming out of the kitchen I overheard my Mother in Law say that she hoped our daughter looks less caucasian than our son. 
My son is beautiful and a wonderful blend of his father and I. I am afraid that our children will never be treated with as much love as they show their pure Japanese grandchildren. I just want to cry. Sorry to vent here.
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Oh my, that is AWFUL! I'm SO sorry you had to experience that. Have you spoken to your husband about how hurtful his parents' comments are? *hugs*
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So sorry you have to deal with that, how awful! Its obvious your son isn't lacking for love though with an awesome mommy like you!
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So so sorry to hear.. I apologize on behalf of all asian parents who are like that..
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Dude, they are lame! Clearly, they have the issues.
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Oh my god! I am so sorry
I also was hoping your husband didn't know, because if he doesn't know, maybe he can say something to them?
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I'm so sorry. Hopefully they don't treat them any different. I hope not. Poor kids.
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Sorry to hear about this!
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Sorry to hear that! I'm sure your son is just beautiful and your daughter will be just as beautiful! There's a reason why your husband chose you and married you and if his parents don't see you for who you are, then it's their loss.
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Thank you everyone. I am not one to cry easily or get offended quickly but I did cry after they left. My sweet little Liam asked me what was wrong and it made me cry worse.
They will never accept me and I have made peace with that. Not accepting my children just because they aren't 100% Japanese just kills me. My husband does know how they feel about me. They told him often enough when we got engaged. We are stronger now because of it really. He does not know what she said today and I don't know if I'm going to tell him. It would crush him to hear that I think.
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that is so horrible! I can't believe they would say that. They should love all their grandchildren the same no matter what is different about them!
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@ ecogirl: I understand to some degree... My in-laws clearly love LO, but are always remarking about how white he looks. Whether joking or not, it bothers me. As for what they think of me, they would never say anything bad to my face. But sometimes that's worse
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I am half Japanese, and will post more later about how to break this dynamic! It's Charlie's bath time now though.
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You are all very sweet to listen to me pity myself.
I really am not an emotionally high maintenance person at all and I try not to get worked up over small things. This is just such a painful thorn in my side. Thank you all so much for your kind words. @mrbee I'll be awaiting any advice you seem to have for me. -
So sorry you have to deal with in laws like that. I am Japanese (but American) and my husband is American. Our first baby looked completely Caucasian, as he looked exactly like my husband. Fortunately my side of the family were very accepting of that and thought he was very cute. They were happy he had a "tall" nose instead of a flat Japanese nose.
Like I said earlier, I am very lucky my family is very open and not "japanacentric". I've lived here in tokyo for three years now and have seen how some ( many) Japanese are very proud and nationalistic and have a tendency to look down on people of other races.
The fact that you have a very strong relationship with your husband is wonderful and I hope he continues to be supportive throughout this hard time. Please don't let your in laws affect that. Having a strong core family is most important and it sounds like you do have that with your husband and son.
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Ecogirl, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to send you a virtual hug.
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Ok back!
There are a few rules that served me well in navigating this world:
1) Don't try too hard to be Something you're not.
As a half-Something, the more you try to be that Something... the more you will get resistance (not always true, but often). So you have to find your own Thing to focus on.
Along those lines, I learned to not try to be accepted. For example, I limit my usage of Japanese. Even though I studied Japanese in college, I found that I am much more accepted by Japanese when I don't speak the language but speak English instead.
Not trying too hard to be accepted is also helpful in keeping your hopes and expectations down.
2) Take the very very long perspective
Personally, my Japanese grandmother was not happy when my mom married my American dad. Obaachan would've preferred that my mom married the Japanese man she had been betrothed to as a girl.
But over the years, my family was very loving towards my Grandma and wrote her letters and cards and showered her with love. Over time, she came to love us as much (and probably more) than all the other full-blooded kids, even despite the language barrier. That process took years though.
The whole thing is just a long process. When I married Bee, I was prepared for her (Korean) parents to hate me for ten years. If they still hated me then, I was not going to be happy. But in the meantime, I planned to just ignore anything that was said. It takes years for people to see what you're like, and to overcome their own prejudices.
I lucked out with my in-laws though, because they accepted me fairly quickly.
3) In the meantime, you just can't care what people say
You literally have to steel yourself against the worst possible things people can say, and prepare for them. The things they say reflect their ignorance, and have nothing to do with you. I just ignore it, or use it as a chance to educate them.
Having kids is the ultimate trump card. If they treat their grandkids less well than the other grandkids, your kids will notice and have their own opinions about it. Hopefully your in-laws will change their ways before the kids notice though.
Overall, my parents raised us to love our grandparents completely. That really just melted my Obaachan's heart. That plus getting good grades and playing the piano haha.
Good luck!!!
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Great advice Mr. Bee!
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@mrbee: great advice! i love killing people with sweetness!!!
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=( i'm so sorry you have to deal with such annoying in-laws. i mean really, it's your blood. it's their blood. wtf cares what nationality they make up? i mean really. what is wrong with these people! (in general - i'm annoyed that it's most asian parents that think like this - i'm asian so i'm allowed to complain!)
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@mrbee thank you for that very thoughtful advice. I will take it to heart
Thank you everyone for listening to my rant
I did end up telling my husband over the holiday what his mother had said. He is understandably upset about it but he held me tight and reassured me that we are what he wants. We will hold our heads high and make sure our children are loved at home.
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