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It's finally Friday here!!!! 10.45am! That means, in just a few hours, it will be the weekend - the weekend @Hanzabelle and @Chibee can POAS!! I'm so excited!!! Baby dust to you both!

It will also, hopefully, be the weekend I will be Oing! Hopefully!!! After yesterday's negative but almost positive OPK, my stupid body shut down, all symptoms stopped and I got a further two negatives (yes I tested three times yesterday!!) with stark white spaces where lines should be!! Grr!

Then, this morning, I wake up with slight cramping and an abundance of CM (TMI, I know!) - I thought AF had come in the night!!! (yes, disgusting imagery!). My OPK was still negative but it was an even darker line that yesterdays!! Hurrah!!!

I think my body has tried to O twice so far this month (a couple of days apart) - my temps have been up and down like a mad thing (they're normally really steady). Hopefully, this time it will be successful!!!!

@Anonysquire - I quite like the idea of not telling DH for a little while. It will be like a special secret between you and your tiny, tiny LO - he/she will be just yours for a few weeks. I'd have to tell mine even if I didn't want to because he pours me a glass of wine when I get in from work!! He'd know something was very very wrong (or very right!) if I said no!!!

@Ali: OPKs are so frustrating! I hope it comes up positive this weekend!

@Hanzabelle: I've had stomach cramps all morning, it kind of feels like AF is coming although it's really not expected until next week...

So my new thing now is that maybe I will just wait to see if AF is late. I have friends flying in to stay the weekend with us and I'm not sure I want my mood to be ruined (or have to contain my excitement, either way) the whole weekend, if that makes any sense?? It would be a miracle if I could really hold out but I don't know...

@Hanzabelle @ Chibee - I think I'm with Hanzabelle about AF making me more miserable. I'm thinking, once I O (ifI ever O!!) I might stop taking my temps - because I think that seeing my temp drop might make me more upset than a BFN. Then I'll test before AF has a chance to appear!!!!!

@Ali: you definitely will O - it took me 27 days to O this month it can be weird! What CD are you at?

Alright guys I caved and tested - BFN, on top of that, I am brown spotting ever so lightly with cramps. Oh well, I knew it wasn't my month. @Hanzabelle: hope you have better results than i did!

Oh man, is this disappointing, I'm actually really surprised by how upset I am at this.

@Ali: thanks I bawled my eyes out like an idiot while DH was gone, I feel like a drama queen but I felt so disappointed! It's silly because it was our first month and we honestly did not even time things right either, but I couldn't help but hope it would just take one try and I would magically become pregnant. This is so stressful, I can see how incredibly hard and draining it is for people that have been TTC for a long time.. I truly truly feel for them.
Are you any closer to a positive OPK yet??

@Hanzabelle: Oh I'm so sorry sweetie. Sometimes life really does suck, I hear you. Think back to a time when life sucked before - coz I bet you've felt like this before. Did it last forever? No. When you've got some beautiful children, you're living somewhere totally different, DH has a different job, all of this will seem like a million years ago.

Okay, here's a story for you. A true story at that!!

We currently don't have a bathroom door because we're decorating the stairs and landing. You can imagine that peeing in a cup (for OPK purposes, not just for fun!) is quite a challenge without a bathroom door!!! So, one day during the weekend, I got up early to go and test. As I was getting up, I noticed that DH was awake and looked like he was going to get out of bed. I panicked and, in a bid to keep him in bed, I offered to bring him breakfast.

I grabbed my OPK on the way downstairs. Well, there I was, in the kitchen, desperate to test.... I got a plastic beaker out of the cupboard and stood, holding it for a while. I couldn't could I? It's the kitchen! It's where food gets prepared!! I couldn't do a pee in the kitchen!!!! I flipped the kettle on. Oh, but I wanted to test so much! I hovered over the cup...... no. NO!

At the end of the kitchen, we have a little conservatory, where the dogs sleep. It's glass all the way round - but has seen it's fair share off pee during house-breaking the dogs and we always keep a puppy pad down in there just in case. I could pee, guilt free, in there, I thought - I could hover over the puppy pad.....

So there I was, in a glass room, hovering over the puppy pad, attempting to pee into a cup. What an image!! I hope none of my neighbours saw!! I didn't care at that point, I was a woman on a mission! By now, the kettle was almost boiling at was quite loud. I therefore didn't hear DH getting up....

The kettle clicked off just as I'd finished my cup-pee and just as DH entered the lounge.... I heard him speaking to one of the dogs, his voice clearly coming closer, and panicked! In one swift movement, I tipped the contents of the cup onto the puppy pad. I was still bent slightly over the pad - and holding the cup - when DH walked in.

"Stupid dogs!!" I exclaimed. I rolled the puppy pad up and, in a moment of genius, popped it into the cup, "In case it drips taking it to the bin" I added, like I always used the cup-drip-tray method!

How did I become this woman?? Peeing on a cup in the conservatory, for everyone to see!! Blaming my poor dogs!!!

Hope that's cheered you up a little? When it all seems too much to bear, you can think "At least I'm not Ali, peeing in a cup like some kind of freak" and feel better!!! Hugs. xxx

@Hanzabelle: That makes you 4 days late, right? Are you usually bang on schedule?

@Hanzabelle @Chibee

Can I just share - I just confided in my best friend over email about my frustrations about DH not wanting to BD on demand and I feel really upset about her response. She is currently 7 months pg with her first and was firmly in the "no pressure, no charting, nature doing it's course" camp. That was ok for her because they BDd every day before they were TTC....Even then, it took her year to conceive.

Here are a few choice snippits from her reply:

"You only decided about a month ago that you were ready to start trying. You are only on week three!! You need to chill "

Erm, hello. I'm chilled, I just want to BD when the time's right. is that a crime??

"On top of this, have you started taking vitamins yet? They recommend that you take folic acid up to three months before getting pregnant"

And my personal favourite:

"Would it really be the end of the world if it didn't happen this month??"

I don't know why it's upset me so much. I just feel like I'm being mocked by my own best friend - and I feel like I'm not allowed to want this because I haven't been trying long enough.

i know I'm probably just overreacting because I'm all upset anyway - I just wanted her support, that's all, not criticism.

I just feel really alone on this journey. Thank goodness for you guys.

@Hanzabelle: Still no AF?

@Chibee, @Ali and @Hanzabelle: I totally get being so frustrated and upset that you screw up your cycle. I'm pretty sure that was me last month. I didn't take it out on DH but I got his hopes up and then mine all to have them dashed. He was devastated which devastated me too. Not charting for the second half would probably be a good idea, but I just don't think I can stop being a control freak for that long.

@Ali: I actually did the same with my friend that visited over the weekend, and she was very sympathetic but I don't think she understood exactly how devastated I was at this first month's failure. I don't think anyone could understand unless you're going through it, or have gone through it - I am such a control freak and I feel like this is totally out of my control and that's the part that frustrates me the most. I understand though, and that's why we post here!

@Hanzabelle: you may have just ovulated late, like I did this cycle? If I hadn't been using OPKs this cycle and confirmed the actual O day of CD27 or so (I thought I had O'd CD16 or so), I would have gone bonkers crazy from CD29-39 thinking I was late too - could this be the case with you??

@Ambular1025: it's virtually impossible for me to be a control freak, I just have to try to be a bit calmer about things, but that's the best I can do!

I think there's also the opposite issue - ie people who have tried for SO LONG may forget that it's still stressful for those who are just starting out (ie 'OMG i tried for a year, you've only been trying for a month'). I wonder if your friend was super upset over how long it took her to conceive and that's part of why she's less sensitive to what you're going through?

@Ali: ahhh. Then while it wasn't what you wanted to hear, her response does make some more sense. She's coming from a compassionate place but all of us sometimes let our own pain/past experiences get in the way

@Ali: Even better, you can probably tell her how much more you can empathize with what she went through now than you ever could before.. maybe even bring you guys closer, who knows? It's a tough tough process and people have been through it at least have that in common.