What would be your response?
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I would immediately tell them that that was unacceptable and they are never to lay a hand on my child again. That person would also never be with LO without me again.
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Immediately remove my child from the situation.
I would first discipline the child (assuming I thought they did something that warranted further discipline) and follow up with a we have a rule for our child that we do not hit. That includes adults hitting children.
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How old is the kid? What are they doing?
With my two year old he probably needed it to get his attention. In general don't think swatting a kid's hand is bad but there are always different amounts of force or different reasons that can change that decision.
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My husband's cousin did this today and I was totally shocked! My son threw a toy and hit a girl (his daughter). He is three.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: Did you do anything to discipline when he threw the toy or hit the other child?
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@Truth Bombs: I was actually right there when it happened, but he leapt up. It is a conservative Christian home and he assumes leadership on these issues without asking. Typically I let it slide but of course this really surprised me.
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I would tell that parent not to physically touch my child please and thank you.
If my child had thrown a toy and hit another child I would have told my child that we do not throw toys and make them apologize to the other child.
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@T.H.O.U.: the cousin in law leapt up immediately. My son is not used to being popped so he ran off sobbing. Then the cousin asked if he could go talk to him, and he did, and then it was all over. It happened super fast!
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Depends on how hard. If it was just a tap on the hand to say no no I'm ok with well meaning friends and family. We don't do it, but I wouldn't take too much offense.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: Oh I assumed you were there this time. I just meant if it was a grandparent, etc that person would lose any future babysitting privileges. I wouldn't care at all about what HIS values are. That's MY kid. I wouldn't even bother pointing out the stupidity of hitting a child to punish them for, you know, hitting a child.... but I would firmly tell him not to ever touch my son again.
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There would be hell to pay. For real.
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I'd have been LIVID and told him that was entirely unacceptable that it is never okay to hit/swat/spank another human (unless in self-defense or some sort of emergency), let alone someone else's child. I'm angry for you.
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I wish the answer was that I would immediately react and strongly but I think I would be so shocked that we would just quickly leave and I would have to say something later. I would wind up avoiding the person at all costs and they would never ever be allowed alone with my kid, or honestly even in hitting distance.
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I would immediately address it with the adult. Totally not cool. Regardless of what anyone thinks of that form of discipline, it is not his position or place to discipline your child and certainly not his place with you right there. That would make me so angry! I would honestly probably even address it even now - "you know that time that you did this? That's not cool with me. I will parent my own child, thankyouverymuch."
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There would be words and they would definitely never be left alone with my child in the future.
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@Cole: same for me. I know I would just be so stunned and silent.
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I mean, I've swatted a kid's hand away before if they were being too grabby or in my face (or in a newborn's face), but it's more of a gentle redirection to move their hands. So it would depend on how hard it was as well as the intent behind it.
I'd address whoever did it and make it clear we don't use physical discipline with our child and that we do timeouts for hitting. And I'd also talk to my child about how it's not okay for someone to hit them and that I was sorry it happened (assuming I couldn't get the person who did it to apologize).
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I don't really know what "popped in the hand" means, so my answer depends on that @Mrs. Sketchbook:
But unless it was severe I would probably just remove my kid from the situation. It sounds like it was bad enough to upset your LO though so I don't really know. I would probably separately talk to LO about how hitting isn't ok, and later tell the cousin that we don't hit, we do time outs. But if it was a swat I might just let it go. -
I would have punched him square in the face, then reiterated to LO that we do not hit!!
In all seriousness, I would have wanted to. How DARE he hit my child. I would have let him have it, but not in front of the kids.
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My immediate reaction: OHHAILSNAW. That is so far out of line and crosses so many boundaries. And I totally agree with @Truth Bombs: @Boogs: I would address the situation immediately and my child would never be alone with that person again.
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I would take him aside and tell him that under no circumstances is he ever to lay a hand on my child again, and that he needed to apologize to my son because we do not teach that hands are for hitting. If he didn't like it, he could leave.
I am VERY anti-hitting. I am also extremely against someone else disciplining my child when I'm right there.
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I would make it clear that they are to never lay a hand on my child ever again. I would discipline my child myself and would probably leave. I have no problems with another adult correcting my daughter, but I draw the line at hitting of any sort. I'm getting angry just thinking about it.
Have you spoken to the cousin? Even though the situation is over I probably would.
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I honestly don't know. I wouldn't like it, and like @Pumpkin Pie: said, my reaction would probably depend on how hard and the message with it. And who it was. If it was sort of a tap and admonishment I might just say "oh we've never done that before. How about you give me a chance to address the situation next time?" Since its family I wouldn't want to create a lot of drama.
If it was a friend or something I might be more upset because I DEFINITELY would be mad if a non family member laid a hand on my kid.
And I'm just being honest, and I think this would be true for most whether they admit it or not, if it was my mom vs my MIL my reaction would probably be different.I'm not saying it's ok to do, but I think my reaction would match the situation. May not be popular opinion around here, but tap on the hand vs winding up and slapping his hand vs putting him over his knee and spanking are different to me. If someone wound up and slapped or spanked my kid, no matter who they were, in front of me or not, THAT would make me livid and there would be consequences.
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I guess it depends on how hard this was. In my mind, I'm picturing a slap on the hand--which I totally wouldn't like, but I would probably "let go", ie. seethe inside, and dislike that cousin forever more and never let our kids play together again.
So yeah, addressing it is probably healthier. Or rather, your DH addressing it. It's his cousin, right? What did he say about it.
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@pwnstar: I had the same reaction.
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@pwnstar: So many boundaries. Even if I did hit my kid, that doesn't give others the right to do it. But we don't and that is verrrry clear with those around us. I don't even like when people play around like that, I've had to address that before.
@Mrs. Pickle: I agree, I would be out of there so fast.
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We had/have this issue with my FIL, but it's a little different. He "playfully" slaps LO1 in the hand. Every time it happens, LO1 pulls his hand back and says, "Pop-pop, we don't hit." If I catch my FIL doing it, I immediately say the same thing, and my MIL will back me up and separately tell him that he's learning to hit others from my FIL playfully smacking him. It's taken a while, but he's finally stopped doing it.
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I'm assuming that since you're asking this question, you don't currently or intend to use physical discipline for your child.
Even if it was a "soft" slap, the issue needs to be addressed, because it will come up again as your son gets older and the small hand swat will inevitably turn into a big leg swat.
I would remove the child from the situation, and then privately tell your cousin that you and your husband have decided you want to try disciplining your son without using physical discipline. Make sure he understands you're not telling him he's a bad dad, but that this is something y'all are trying out and you'd prefer it if he left the disciplining up to you or your husband.
If he acts defensive or hints that he knows better than you what's best for your son, then I would be VERY hesitant about leaving him alone with your son.
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I would immediately have a conversation with both the cousin and her husband with your husband and say that how your son acted today was regrettable and that you will work on his behavior in the future and that you understand that the cousin's husband was acting to protect his daughter as well as correct bad toddler behavior, BUT as far as it concerns your son it's not his place to lay hands on your child. Period.
Then I would talk to your son. I would discipline him the way your family chooses to do so but then also explain that people discipline differently in other families and that you have talked to that cousin in law to never hit him again and that you're sorry he had to go through that.
I think for us, physical discipline just wouldn't work for my son and his personality, beyond our personal beliefs on it, so I would explain that as well to the cousin.
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I would lose my damn mind at them once I got them alone. In front of my child I would tell them never to touch my child again. I would probably choose to not be around them any more.
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I don't know what I would do in the moment. I am a very reserved person and in normal circumstances ignore things that bother me in order to avoid a scene. I am also ridiculously over protective of my daughter to the point that I can not picture anyone hitting her. After the incident though I would never visit with that cousin again. You can't even trust the 'not leave them alone' since you were there and he was hit...
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My initial reaction would have been, "Don't hit my kid!"
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My reaction would be to get very upset. I try very hard to place consistent boundaries on my 3 year old and if he threw a toy I'd take him aside, talk to him, get him to apologize etc. Your cousin's quick reaction wouldn't allow for any of that, plus it would be traumatizing for my kid, plus it's counterproductive (hello, violence to address violence? The whole law & order mindset is so backwards...)
In my fantasy I'd tell him to take his vengeful Christian patriarchy and shove it, but in reality I'd firmly tell him to never touch my child again, and I think DH would follow up similarly. I'm mad just reading about it
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So I could easily see my BIL doing this. I would look over and shake my head while making a dispproving sound to get my point across. I would address the issue with my child and then reinforce with him later. We have had to do this before with him correcting her behavior and not even giving us 2 seconds to do it.
ETA: I don't spank our children, my husband has on a very rare occasion, so it would not be our go to form of discipline (and to get him to that point was a small miracle). I do occasionally pop on the hand for certain instances.
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I would be absolutely FURIOUS and would certainly leave right then after saying something. I would also end or limit my interactions with the person. I think that parents do have the right to use limited, age appropriate corporal punishment with their own children, but should NEVER presume to discipline someone else's child in that way.
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@2PeasinaPod: We have had a similar situation, what is it with grown people who think it's okay to play like that?!
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@Boogs: I have no idea! It's so frustrating though!
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: If someone did that to my kid and then asked to be the one to comfort my sobbing child, I am pretty sure I would tell the adult to fuck off.
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@catomd00: I am curious why you wouldn't want your child to hear you speak to the adult? I think I would be ok with my son hearing me speak up to someone.
In all seriousness, I would have wanted to. How DARE he hit my child. I would have let him have it, but not in front of the kids.
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