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I would be upset... but I also know that I vent to my mom/girlfriends too so I would be a complete hypocrite if I complained too much. I guess I would just try to talk it out with DH, but I would be upset.

Yeah I'd be really pissed off about that. A little light griping, sure, fine. Talking hot garbage about me to someone else? Not okay.

But DH is sensitive to bad-mouthing himself so when we got married we created a rule where we wouldn't talk trash about each other to other people - like harsh mean things. Sure I whine about my husband sometimes or I ask a close friend for advice or something, but we don't bash each other outside our marriage.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably find a calm moment and tell my husband that I found the text messages and that I'm super pissed and hurt by them, but more importantly I would like to work on ways that we can communicate better so that he doesn't feel the need to go bashing me to other people. Especially his brother, since he's family and I will have to see him for the rest of my life and I don't want to face him thinking he has all these negative opinions about me or that he's telling the rest of my in-laws that I'm a bucket of bonkers.

If its my husband, he would apologize and appreciate that instead of like breaking his phone I'm trying to find a more productive outcome to this garbage situation.

I'm guilty of doing this. DH has seen texts I've sent to my best friend when I'm venting after an argument and he was very upset. I'm sure that I would be too. I don't really know what the right answer is. I know I would be upset if I saw something like that, but also know everyone needs to vent. I think venting to someone who actually knows my DH well, my friend, is better because she really knows him and knows that I'm probably exaggerating my feelings a little. It has led to some good conversations about how we can better voice our frustrations with each other though.

I guess it depends on how harsh it was how I would respond. I would probably be a little hurt regardless, but if it was really terrible stuff he was saying, I would need to talk to him and clear the air.

My rule for myself is that I can do normal talk-to-my-friends kind of venting--i.e., why am I always the one to get up at night??, DH wants to be intimate more often than I do, etc., kind of stuff, but if I feel like it's about his character or something that he did or said that was deeply hurtful, I don't tell my family and friends that kind of stuff because I know it will be harder for them to forgive than for me. And I would want him to honor that same rule. I think it's okay to "vent," but if it was something really awful about who you are as a person, or something that he knows would be extremely hurtful to you than I would probably talk to him when you can do it calmly.

And, also, I'm sorry. It never feels good to see something like that regardless of the circumstances.

@gingerbebe: we have a similar rule. Little normal gripes-fine. But no damaging/really hurtful stuff.

I'd be pretty shaken up. DHs gets all texts on his iPad so I have access if I wanted to look.

My issue is that it undermines your relationship- what's said can't be unsaid. People don't forget mean words/gossip. That's why I see a therapist- it's her job to listen/help me. I don't think I could move past it without hashing it out.

@Purpledaisy: This is no fun, I'm so sorry. Don't let it fester, tell him how you feel and expectations for you both in your venting going forward.

This would make me incredibly angry and honestly hurt my feelings. I would definitely bring it up with DH.

Since you've clarified that it's not things like "uh why do I always pack the diaper bag and get the kids ready??" But actually attacking you I would be extremely upset. Furious. Betrayed. Untrusting. I can't imagine all the things I would feel. The fact that your husband not only did this, but then joked about it and didn't immediately apologize, would be a really big deal for me. Even worse that his has apparently happened before snow you told your husband how hurtful it was and he somehow didn't agree with that.