I'm a SAHM and I am jealous of DH. I'm jealous he gets to talk to adults everyday, I'm jealous he gets to go to lunch with whomever whenever he wants with NO children, I'm jealous he can basically do anything he wants at anytime and not worry about the kids, I'm jealous he makes the money and can get whatever he wants whenever he wants it, I'm jealous he can just go to the grocery and not ask for money to do so. DH owns his own business and makes great money. He doesn't have to work all day everyday and gets a ton of downtime while "at work". He also has 100% control of all of our finances. I know where we stand financially but do not have access to any of the funds. It has always been this way but was never an issue previously because I was doing daycare and making some money to do with what I wanted/needed. Now my daycare girls mom is laid off and has been since Sept 1st leaving me with no extra income of my own. I HATE HATE HATE having to ask DH every single time I need money for something. I hate that our anniversary is on Saturday and I can't even buy him anything. I hate that today he called at 11am to say he would be home soon so we could all go grocery shopping together then at 1pm when I call to see where he is I hear tons of commotion in the background because he is out to lunch with a buddy. Seriously my feelings are so hurt and I hate that I feel this way. Sorry for the rant I'm having a rough day.
-
hugs mama hugs
-
Whoa whoa whoa. Why don't you have access to the funds. Just because you don't earn income that doesn't mean you aren't contributing to your family by staying at home. Why aren't your accounts joint? If I were you I would NOT be comfortable with this financial set up. What if your husband died unexpectedly, what if you got divorced? I know those are worst case scenarios but you need to have access to funds!
-
I would set a dinner date and talk to him about your money issue. Maybe he doesn't realize you feel this way. Have you talked about it before? I would also look for a new job. It can be very isolating/ draining being a stay at home mom.
-
Yikes...
Agree with @MamaMoose: but just want to give you a big HUG - that all sounds so frustrating!
-
He was a bachelor for a long time before we married(he was 40 when we got married) so he is just really set in his ways. Since he pays all the bills we doesn't really see why we need a joint account when he can just give me money when I need it. This was never really an issue until I stopped making any income for myself. I was offered a job at a local fabric store I go to frequently but he didn't want me to take it. He is also crazy about leaving our 1 yr old daughter with anyone although he is ok leaving our 5 yr old. We have only left her ONCE in her entire life and it was for an hour. I had to beg him to let my friend babysit her so we can go on a date for our anniversary and not bring her.
-
I'm also super annoyed because I thought we were going out to lunch with the kids so non of us have eaten yet! Just to find out he's out with a friend
-
I'm sorry
I hate to feel dependent on DH like that, it's not that way now but I've been there!@MamaMoose: agreed!
@travelingnanny: this is what I was going to say! You guys need to talk about this, before it starts festering and becomes a huge issue!
-
Big hugs. I'm sorry. Can you join any mommy groups so you can get some adult interaction during the day?
And I really think you should have access to the funds! Just because you don't work, doesn't mean you aren't contributing to the household.
-
I really don't want to be overdramatic here because I don't know the details of your life. But from the info you've provided here is sounds like he's pretty controlling. I would not be comfortable having no access to money. And the fact that he doesn't want to "let" you take on a job to have your own money is concerning.
-
Hugs! I agree with @MamaMoose: finances should NEVER be a one way street. Both parties need to know to know what is going on. I would never be ok with not having my own debit card and having to ask DH for money.
-
Yikes. I'm going to have to agree with @MamaMoose: that this doesn't sound like a great set up for you. What if you need food like, stat, for the kiddos while he's out? Or you just want to run to take them to the mall or something?
:hugs: sorry you have having a rough time!
-
@MamaMoose: I agree, there are multiple red flags .
-
You need access to money! I obviously don't know your relationship and don't want to project, but controlling funds is a sign of an abusive relationship. (Not saying yours is, but just pointing out how problematic it is!)
My mom was a SAHM and my dad always made sure to make her feel as if she was an equal partner. He physically earned the paychecks, but she did everything needed so that he could do so. It was always "their" money. They both had an allowance.
-
My DH and I share a bank account and I can access the money in it myself whenever I'd like. I get that your DH is the breadwinner, but his money should be yours too, especially just to buy groceries and things.
I would explain to him how it makes you feel to have to ask for money all the time. You're both equal adults and money should be handled that way. It feels deeming to have to ask for money.
-
I've learned to just not touch these kinds of posts, not even with a 10 foot pole, but not all marriages and relationships are made up of adults with equal partnerships.
-
i'm sorry--your frustration and jealousy are completely understandable. what you're doing is HARD WORK. maybe the financial system was working before but now that things have changed, do you think he would be open to a conversation about changing it?
-
@CraftyMom13: Okay, I understand that every relationship works the way it works, but this dynamic scares me. I feel like you need to have access to accounts and funds without "asking" for money. You should be able to have a card to get groceries, lunch, coffee, gas, ect. without having to ask for it. And you NEED to get your name on stuff in the case of an emergency. Noone wants to think of those things, but you have children to consider & it's your life too.
He WAS a bachelor, he isn't anymore and you need to make that very clear.
-
Yes, I agree with the above posters. The money thing is a control issue and I would not be cool with that AT ALL. I actually make significantly more than DH but I truly have a what's mine is yours mentality, which is how a marriage should be, in my opinion. You need to talk to him about this.
-
Definitely think you should have a talk with your DH and let him know how you are feeling. Both about money and about him forgetting you for lunch today! (((HUGS)))
-
We don't have joint accounts either, but our accounts are linked - we're both on the mortgage. Joint accounts like in the States aren't available in the same way here (we live abroad). But I do have access to his account and we're beside each other when bills are paid. This is usually when DH asks if he should transfer money over to my account.
I think your contribution to the family is as important (even more so) than his. Maybe he just doesn't know how you feel about it? Hopefully you can both come up with a set figure to transfer to your account each month. It'll alleviate some stress for you. I'm sure he wouldn't mind -- you are taking care of his children afterall.
-
@looch: same here.
-
My only concern would be that God forbid he died you would have ZERO money!! The money in his accounts could be tied up for months!
Even if he doesn't want you to have access on a day to day basis (that is btwn you and DH) I think your name still needs to be on the account - I would def talk to him about that.
-
We have always had a very "His way or now way" type of relationship. We do talk about some things and he does listen about certain things but ultimately if he wants something a certain way that's the way we do it. Honestly I usually don't mind this and it does work for us but right now it's not working and I'm frustrated. I know I need to talk to him about it I am just terrible at having tough discussions. I usually avoid conflict as much as possible.
-
We do have things set up that if he dies everything goes to me. We did this shortly after we got married. We also have a prenup agreement so if we were to get divorced that is all pretty set in stone as well.
-
@looch: This is true. And some people like it that way and think my way, a more equal partnership, is problematic.
@CraftyMom13: I won't dwell on it because it wasn't the point of you post, but there is absolutely no reason to not have at least a debit card to get money out whenever you need it.
"I'm jealous he can basically do anything he wants at anytime and not worry about the kids,"- even as a WOHM I feel this. I ended up taking a night 'off' each week. Every Thursday he knows he is solo dadding it and I do whatever I want...like, you know, shower
It has helped a lot. -
I think that at times I could have written this post, but you NEED to talk to him about all of this or else it is going to eat you up inside. You need to tell him that you are beginning to resent him, and he needs to help you come up with solutions to help you not feel this way.
As someone who had very very very little if any "Me" time in the first year of LO's life, I can tell you that you NEED it. I went back to work at 15m and since then I feel a lot less isolation, guilt about spending money, and resentment towards DH. Please PM me if you want to talk, I would be happy to share more of what has worked for us in compromises and discussions (and what hasn't!!).
-
@CraftyMom13: happy to hear =)
Yeah I hate conflict too! Maybe you can write down your feelings and let him read it?
-
Some relationships may work well with a less equal dynamic, but the OP is clearly frustrated and unhappy with how things currently are. I think talking to him is probably the best idea. Surely some kind of compromise can be made here.
-
@CraftyMom13: I'm glad that you guys have that set up. My coworker handles all of her family's finances and she gives her husband an allowance b/c he just simple isn't good with money. She was able to set up this like separate sub-account where she puts his allowance into. He has his own debit card for it. Maybe he can set something like that up for you?
-
@MamaMoose: complete agreement.
-
@CraftyMom13: hugs....I don't know how you are set up, but can he at least issue a credit card for you so you don't have to ask him for cash every time...? Or is it how it is already just that you didn't want to use his card to buy him his gifts?
Can you talk to him and have an agreement where you have a bank account, and he puts a certain amount of $ every month into your account so at least you can go get some groceries without asking him for the money..? SAHM needs to get "paid" too - that's one of the most difficult jobs in the world!! (And actually I think that's how one of my friends was set up, and she is an SAHM)
Can you establish your own group of friends? That way you can still go have lunch with your mom friends ? Yes you'll have to take your kids with you but at least you have other adults to talk to on a regular basis...
Hugs.....
-
I know people who have a financial set up the way you do, but the wife gets a large sum at a time, every month. Then if she needs more, she just says so. That way, she has funds always available to her, rather than asking for each thing individually.
I can relate to a lot of your post about your DH being able to have his time to do things like talk to adults, eat lunch without distraction, hell, even get a cup of coffee or pee alone. It's hard to be the parent that's home. I have full access to our joint accounts and a husband who doesn't care to really look at what I spend, but the other stuff is also hard. My advice is this: talk to him about another financial set up, maybe like my example of the couple I know, so your hubby is still in control as he likes to be, but you've got more wiggle room. Also, make some mom friends and see them- a lot. Have play dates and get coffee, lunch, go to each other's houses, make Costco runs together. It's amazingly helpful to talk to other adults during the day, especially women who completely understand your current life, plus it's great for your LO to be around other kiddos. And about the grocery shopping thing today, I think you need to tell your DH that you both should work a little on communication, because you understood his call to mean he'd be right home, you waited on him and delayed lunch, and were frustrated/ hurt when 2 hours later he was not home, but out with a friend instead. Maybe explain to him a bit what your day is like, and how you'd been looking forward to seeing him and spending time as a family, so it just hurt your feelings a little. Good luck, mama!
-
I wonder if it might help to have a credit card in your name even if the bill just goes straight to him. It would give you some freedom and you wouldn't need to get so stuck.
It is so hard that you are stuck without much adult interaction. I think it would be wise for you to have a chat with him and let him know that you need some sort of change. Personally, I would wait a few days until you are over the craziness of today and I would put it out there as something you want to pursue after the holidays are over (?) once things are calm. In the meantime I would schedule a few things for yourself, an evening with friends, an afternoon at the spa, something for you to look forward to and so you can recharge your batteries.
Big hugs to you!
-
I agree that not all relationships are equal partnerships and I think as long as each person is comfortable in the relationship then there is nothing wrong with it.
Is there a way you could work out some sort of allowance situation. Where he pays you every week an amount that you both agree is fair to cover your personal expenses as well as groceries, gas, etc? This way he would still have control of the big checkbook but you would have a little stipend account of your own?
-
Not having access to money kind of blows my mind. I get that he gives it to you when you ask, but it would annoy the heck out of me to ask every time.
DH and I both work full time, but create our budget together. We each get X amount of "no questions asked" money each month. I can blow it on pedicures every month, spend it on gifts for him, or save it up for something bigger down the road.
I'm wondering if your set up is "just ask if you need money", maybe you need to change the ask to a larger lump sum for discretionary spending.
-
The thing is, 30/40 years ago I can see why a more "traditional" marriage would work this way, financially. When there was no easy access to cash and someone had to go to the bank to withdraw, it makes sense that someone would withdraw the money and then give an allowance to the 2nd party.
But nowadays, i really see no excuse for the kind of financial control your husband has over you. It is *so* easy to have a joint account that you have full (or partial) access to via a debit card, or a separate account that he deposits into and you have full access to, or any one of a dozen other options, all with the bonus that you never need to ask for money. I think that the asking sets up a toxic dynamic in a relationship. My husband makes a lot more money than I do, but our money is all joint except for individual credit cards, and I honestly don't know if i could live it any other way.
To each their own - its your relationship and you know best. But the upset and sadness coming across in your posts makes me feel like maybe you do want this to change, and you have to talk to him about it, "his way or no way" be damned. Your way is important too!!!
Good luck to you - keep us posted! -
@looch: agree. support w/o judging.
-
@CraftyMom13: Hope you can talk to him about this sooner rather than later. I am not judging and just want to lend my ears and shoulders for you to cry on. He needs to get you a debit card to one of the accounts so you can buy things that you need without his permission. That would drive me crazy and get me in a pissed off mood daily! I am a SAHM (temporarily) but I am in charge of the bills and finances. DH gets a certain amount automatically deposited into his separate account with his paycheck. He can buy whatever he wants with it but I still have access to it too. Confrontation is not the answer. Maybe you can approach him gently on it and go from there.
If he is anything like my controlling BIL, he doesn't like to be confronted or spoken aggressively to but if you ask him sweetly and kill him with kindness, he will gladly hand over his wallet. Good luck and big hugs!
-
@CraftyMom13: I hope you didn't read my post as judgy, I don't want it to come across that way at all, I know what it's like to just want a listening ear & support. I think we all have to be supportive of each other & I hope you're able to work things out!
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite1
58 comments