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@LuLu Mom: I read your statement like it was coming from a worried friend, not at all judgemental. I would be scared of this arrangement also.

Change is inevitable, especially when children come into the mix. Things that might have worked for you guys before may not now, and you both need to keep an open mind and be able to compromise.

I think it would be a good idea to have a chat with your husband about how you're feeling, at the very least. I hope he is understanding and you two can come to an agreement where you're both happy.

@wonderstruck: I agree that counseling seems like a really good idea.

Marriage is a lifelong partnership, and financial issues (in all sorts of forms) and communication issues are like the #1 and #2 reasons for divorce. Even if “divorce is not an option”, if you cannot get on equal ground regarding money and can’t get there in part because you cannot communicate; that doesn’t sound like a healthy situation.

People with severe financial control issues like this raise such huge red flags to me, because too often it isn’t strictly about money and instead is just as much about exerting power and control over the lifestyle and freedom of choice of the other person. If you can’t access your money, plainly, your choices are limited.

I *totally* understand how jealousy could crop up between a SAH parent and a WOH parent, especially on hard days. I wonder if some of those feelings of jealosy are more about a lack of freedom you have coming from the financial setup, and if you might be happier if those issues were resolved.

@CraftyMom13: great update!

Yay!!!!

YAY!!! I'm so glad it worked out. I think you came up with a great plan

Glad to hear a positive update.

I'm glad things have worked out. I didn't read your OP as anything too ahole of him to begin with. I think some guys just assume that if you don't approach him that something is wrong, then all must be ok. My husband is that exact same way and he is by no means an ahole. It's a tough situation to have to rely on one income but it's great that you were able to sit down and discuss a plan.

Glad to hear you worked it out! We got joint accounts the day after our wedding because we both agreed that it wouldn't feel right for one of us to not be able to spend as much if they made less $ and what if one of us decided to stay home or got hurt adn couldn't work? I know a lot of couples who keep separate financies, usually the same as your situation where one or both of them are older and set in their ways. It works fine for some but we weren't comfortable with it.