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What an interesting question! I think it's amazing that you know three languages!

My cousin is English. His wife is from the border of France and Germany - she is technically French but speaks both languages fluently (and interchangeably). Her daughters learned all three languages easily when they were very young and it didn't seem to confuse them at all. In fact, they seemed to be able to tell which language to use with which person just by looking at them! Kids' brains are incredible.

I speak with our LO in English, my partner speaks with LO in Ukrainian, and LO goes to a Spanish immersion daycare. He's only 21 months, but, he seems equally strong in receptive and expressive communication in all 3 languages. He is sometimes frustrated when he only knows a word in 1 or 2 languages and the person he's talking to doesn't understand. It can be frustrating as the parents sometimes too -- my partner and I both have a fair bit of Spanish, but rarely enough to recognize what LO is saying in toddler pronunciation. It is sometimes weeks or months after he starts using a Spanish word that I finally have enough context to understand.

@thestairs: Great post! Btw, I don't think you give yourself enough credit - you speak 5 languages, not 3! Although 3 are Chinese, they are not mutually intelligable. That's super impressive!

I'm a Filipino American married to a Swede and we live in Sweden. We speak English to each other, while DH speaks Swedish to LO. Swedish is her dominate language since I'm really the only one she talks to in English.

DH took German in school and I studied Spanish, but we both pretty much lost most of it since we get zero practice. I also speak Tagalog (Filipino) but I can't communicate well (I grew up speaking the language only to my parents and grandparents), so it's not natural for me to use it with DD, which is a shame, I know. I also know a bit of Korean from my short stint working there and the many years I spent working as an ESL teacher to South Korean school children. But I no longer work in that field, so I'm losing most of it now. Language is so difficult for me. I wish I was better at learning and retaining more than 2 at once

Besides English, I speak two dialects of Chinese
Besides English, DH speaks three dialects of Chinese

DD1 mainly speaks English, can understand and speak a little of one dialect but has little exposure to be other two (mainly spoken by in laws)

For me, I would say don't stress about it and just speak whatever language you are comfortable with with your child... because in my experience, you can plan all you want, but the road that happens is often not what you envisioned it to be.

Both my husband and I speak Cantonese and English fluently, and I speak Mandarin too. There was no question in my mind that we would teach DS both Cantonese and English. So when he was a baby, I was adamant about speaking to him only in Cantonese, and our nanny and everyone else speaks to him in English. Then when everyone is turning 1, everyone's babies started speaking words, while DS was not speaking anything. He was quite delayed in speech and I was worried sick. In fact, I think he can only speak 20 words (? I can't quite remember) by 18 months.... the absolute bare minimum when everyone else was speaking simple sentences. I was worried sick, and I kinda gave up on speaking 100% in cantonese, because I don't know if it was the two languages that slowed him down or if he genuinely have a problem. He started going to daycare and at some point, he started picking up English more quickly, and he came home and speak to me in English. I lose grip of my original plan and I started talking back to him in English too.

Long story short, DS is now 5, he speaks fluent English, but he can not speak Cantonese... maybe a few words here and there and he could count to 30 or so in Cantonese. He understands simple conversations in Cantonese though (as that's what I speak to him still). I am trying really hard because now when I speak to him in Cantonese, he would say, mommy, I don't understand. What does it mean in English? It drives me nuts.

It really depends on the kid also. Some people say girls are better at language than boys. My friend's daughter speaks Cantonese and English to her mom (who speaks Cantonese and English), and Mandarin and English to her dad (who speaks, apparently, those two languages). My other friend her daughter speaks English, understands Dutch (I am not sure if she speaks it), and I am not sure if she understands cantonese as well. Bottomline is, they will be fine.

So I would say this is the last thing you should worry about.... just speak whatever you are comfortable with!

I should add that I strongly feel it's important for parents to be able to communicate to their children with the language that allows them best to express themselves. Whether it's a obscure language no one else speaks is irrelevant - the most important thing is to just be able to communicate freely with your kids

@SugarplumsMom: I think that's a very important point, being able to clearly express yourself to your children. I could easily just speak French back to my daughter, but I would lose some of the nuance that only native speakers have, and of course she would then miss out on the richness of the English language.

@looch: I agree 100% that anyone with the desire and natural ability can learn a language but the ability to practice it regularly is so beneficial. I learnt German and became really, really good at it, passed exams with A grades. But then I visited Germany and while I could say anything I needed to, I couldn't understand most of what was being said in return. They spoke SO FAST! Of course, once people noticed me struggling, they immediately switched into English and I came back from Berlin no further forward!

@irene: I wanted to speak canto to DD1 only and totally failed haha. Certain words she knows, and I think she understands my mom (who is way better at speaking canto more to DD1 even tho I'm also fluent). Blah, I'm really hoping for her to be bilingual without having to go to Chinese school!

@looch: Yes I agree.

@snowjewelz: It is so hard! DH and I speak English to each other so it is an effort. Then this little person kept speaking in English to me it is natural to talk back in English. I applaud the moms who adamantly wouldn't talk to their LO unless they speak their language. I also notice a big splurge whenever we visit the grandparents. DS would just suddenly attempt to speak cantonese himself! Too bad we only visit a few days max and we visit very very few times.

@irene: My son had/has a speech delay that was caused by ear infections and hearing loss that has been getting better since preschool and tubes. However, I stopped working on using Korean as much at home and switched to English because I just wanted him to learn some clear ways to communicate at school and with others that weren't me and DH - it's hard to be frustrated at 2 years old because no one understands you and you don't have the words to express yourself. He's 29 months now and catching up on language so we use more Korean when we remember but I'm not pushing it too hard because again I don't want him to use Korean words for things at school and get frustrated because his teachers can't understand. I wouldn't feel like that if it was a common second language like Spanish where you can get the jist of things - and in fact his first daycare was Spanish speaking so he said "agua" for water forever. So I get what you're saying - it's not about languages causing speech delays, it's about prioritizing the development of a certain language for someone who for whatever reason is delayed. I think even without the hearing loss my son was slower to begin talking anyway so prioritizing English was what was right for us. I have an ear for language but DH does not so perhaps DS is like his dad and just needed a little more time to get the hang of any language. Given that he was falling behind and English will be the primary language, I didn't feel bad waiting on more Korean. We will probably send him to Korean school when he's around 4 and I imagine he will also learn Spanish or French later on.