I saw this article this morning, this is certainly something DH and I have discussed. We really think we would be okay being a family of three. How do you feel about this? Has anyone had a 2nd child after thinking they would be one-and-done? We are at least 2 years from TTC again, but who knows! 
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My husband grew up with 2 older brothers. Listening to him tell tales of their childhood only solidified my desire to have more than one child.
I grew up with 2 older brothers but ached for a sister.
"But he reminds me often how the sacrifices we’d need to make to raise another child would impact Dahlia’s happiness—not to mention our own."
I really don't get how having another child will affect her child's happiness? What; less name brand clothing? Less vacations? In just a paragraph above she was saying how her daughter aches to have a sibling. Won't that be adding to her happiness?
It sounds like their reasons are selfish bc having another child is more financial burden which will take away from their fun fund.
IMO those sacrifices are worth it to give a child the lifelong friend of a sibling. Assuming they like each other, of course.
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<<"But he reminds me often how the sacrifices we’d need to make to raise another child would impact Dahlia’s happiness—not to mention our own."
I really don't get how having another child will affect her child's happiness? What; less name brand clothing? Less vacations? In just a paragraph above she was saying how her daughter aches to have a sibling. Won't that be adding to her happiness?
It sounds like their reasons are selfish bc having another child is more financial burden which will take away from their fun fund.
IMO those sacrifices are worth it to give a child the lifelong friend of a sibling. Assuming they like each other, of course. >>I read this the same way!!
The whole thing left a really bad taste in my mouth & even made me feel kind of sorry for the perspective... Not sure why though, I'll have to ponder on it some & then come back & elaborate. Overall though I think it's a mis-perspective of balance & what fulfillment & happiness is made up of.
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I'm one of 5 kids, DH is one of 3, so we both only know what it's like to grow up with siblings. And we both have really good relationships with our siblings-- my sisters are my best friends and I really truly treasure the relationships we have. That said, we definitely did NOT always get along so well and my mom's life would have been much easier without so many kids! For every hour we played together, there was probably at least a half an hour of us screaming at each other, or fighting, or tattle taling... and we were generally GOOD kids!
So I absolutely want to have more than one because I hope and pray my kids will eventually be close friends, but I don't think it's selfish for other parents not to. I think the author's point about the sacrifices they would make affecting the daughter's happiness are valid-- if parents are stressed about finances and schedules, that does affect the kids. I think when parents are able to make a decision that they choose-- rather than having one forced upon them-- that's when they are happiest!
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I think Diane Rehm is talking with someone today who debunks all the notions of only children being spoiled and entitled using (gasp) research!
The data shows that onlies come out just fine and "common knowledge" of them does not reflect the actual reality.
I say kudos to anyone who knows that they are one and done
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@babyjmama: great article. There has been a lot of talk about only children recently. Just yesterday a friend IM'ed me about a Today Show segment she was watching on an author named Lauren Sandler who wrote a book about it. http://www.amazon.com/One-Only-Freedom-Having-Child/dp/1451626959/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370954570&sr=1-1&keywords=one+and+only
@regberadaisy: it is not the child's choice to have a sibling. It is the parents choice for how many children they decide to have. I'm sure my daughter will wish for a sibling someday just like I wished for a sister when I was little but it's not going to change our decision.
My husband and I have decided not to sacrifice our goals for our future (retirement) so we have decided not to have another child. I believe my child's happiness will not be changed by not having another child. So, in essence, I don't care if I am depriving my child of this so-called fun of having a sibling if it means my husband and I can reach our goals in life. If that's us being selfish, so be it.
We are also only having one so that we CAN provide the best life possible for her. If we had one more, we would be struggling to get by day to day and that is not what we want for us or for her. We want to teach our daughter about financial responsibility. We are doing that by having just one child, paying off our house early, sending her to private school when she is of school age and paying for part of her college tuition.
Regarding lifelong friendships - my brother and I are polar opposites and are not what you would call friends. My husband is not friends with his sisters and his sisters are somewhat social but only became so in their mid 40's. Having more than one child does not automatically mean your children will be friends when they are adults.
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We are still mulling if we will have another, but I think we are leaning towards stopping at one. Not for our child's happiness, but for ours. The absolute only reason we'd have another at this point, would be to give our son a sibling. But that's it. Not because we want another or because we think it will make our lives more joyous. And I just don't think that's the right reason to have more children,.
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@BananaPancakes: I agree completely.
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@regberadaisy: I agree, but don't you find that these days, parents are less willing to make the same sacrifices our parents did?
We are well aware that having two children will be hard, but we can't imagine not giving LO a sibling.
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She was on the Today show yesterday and her entire interview just sounded like she was trying to prove that she wasn't only having on kid for selfish reasons, but she just sounded selfish.
I don't think only children are self centered, but I don't know any only children that don't wish they had siblings to this day.
One of my old bosses wanted to have at least 7 kids because he was an only child and his parents died when he was in high school and he was left completely alone. He said he would never wish that upon anyone.
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Oh and we were pretty sure we would be one and done originally (well Mr. Jacks did), but something clicked and we decided to go for it again. Whatever we decided, we are confident that it would have worked out for the best
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@mediagirl: I'm sorry if I offended you; I don't think you & DH are selfish. But I do think the mom in that article comes off selfish for her reasoning. That's just the way I interpreted the article.
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@mediagirl: I think we must have similar family dynamics, I only just became 'friends' with my brother in the past 5 years. My sister and I NEVER talk. We are all very different people. I guess I don't understand what it's like to have that sibling friendship. I was always viewed as the annoying obligation by my siblings growing up.
DH is 13 years older than his only sibling, I wasn't close with mine, so maybe that's the difference. You can't guarantee the kids would get along (or that they wouldn't!)I but I don't feel like Jake would miss out by being an only child either. We are very active parents and our godsons are only 2 blocks from where we are going to live so he would have them close by. I guess it's 'weord' to only have one kid, but I don't think it's BAD...?
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@Freckles: If you don't need to make sacrifices, should you make them just so that you can say that you did? Is there something inherently good about sacrifice that makes it the desirable state? I'm asking in good faith because I don't feel like I've had to make many sacrifices for my girls. Does that mean I should keep having kids until it gets to be a stretch?
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DH and I will be one and done. I don't think our LO needs a sibling to have a happy life.
I also want to provide the best life for all members of our family and in our case I don't think multiple children are conducive to that.
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@babyjmama: I'm not terribly close to my siblings either. They are 7 years older than me and I was always the annoying younger sister they had to bring every where! BUT. They are amazing older brothers and have willingly sacrificed a ton for my education and happiness. This all has made me want to give my children siblings more.
@Mrs. Jacks: I know the question was directed @Freckles but I guess I don't really understand it?
My parents immigrated here when I was 3. It was a HARD life and they sacrificed a TON to be here so that their children can have a chance at a better life than they did. They did not have to make that sacrifice. But they did for the future of their children. So no I would not make a sacrifice just to say I did. But I will do it because *I* think it's for the betterment of my child.ETA: In NO way shape or form am I saying only children are unhappy!
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@mediagirl: I totally agree. My brother and I are just 2 years apart, grew up fighting like cats and dogs (friends would stage interventions for us telling us we needed to fight less!) and we're not close as adults. However, I felt the need to provide my first with a sibling, so much so that even though I wanted to wait a few years, my kids are only 2.5 years apart because once we got to a certain point, I realized I didn't want my kids to be too far apart in age.
It takes all kinds! I know plenty of happy only children, happy one of nine children, and plenty of messed up people of all kinds
I commend you and your husband for being able to see so clearly into the future and plan your family based on your values and priorities! In general, I hate articles like this (I didn't even read it, just the excerpts that other commenters posted) because no matter what, it will come off as judgmental to SOMEone SOMEwhere. Everyone needs to do what they believe is best for their family and stop listening to everyone else around them. Period. No one is in your exact situation with your exact personality and values, so no one will ever have the right to say what's right and wrong for you.
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Being pregs with our second I obviously have a biased opinion. I cannot view having a child as sacrificing the needs of another child. If anything I thing it does the exact opposite. However, for anyone deciding to be one and done, i give you respect because there is no need to bring another child into this world if you feel you cannot adequately provide those needs to both children. To each their own.
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@mrs. wagon: "In general, I hate articles like this (I didn't even read it, just the excerpts that other commenters posted) because no matter what, it will come off as judgmental to SOMEone SOMEwhere. Everyone needs to do what they believe is best for their family and stop listening to everyone else around them. Period. No one is in your exact situation with your exact personality and values, so no one will ever have the right to say what's right and wrong for you."
Amen!
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@BananaPancakes: This is exactly where we are, too.
@mediagirl: While I enjoyed growing up with my brother (when we weren't fighting), I am not particularly close with him in adulthood (although I really really do like him as a person!).
@Freckles: Regarding *less willing to make the same sacrifices* . . . I don't know that this is a fair comparison inasmuch as (logically) the sacrifices can't be the same due to changes in social norms/models. I think a more accurate statement would be that, IMO, parents today are just as willing to sacrifice for their children as parents have been historically.
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Okay, so I've thought about it some & here's where I stand...
G was an only child until he was 7. In that time I never really thought about having more, infact on my "list" for a spouse I put that they needed to not want more! I was totally fine with an only child... less work, less financial strain, & I had a child to live on my legacy and I got more freedom, except that's not how it really went...
1. Less work/More freedom: Because it was only him *I* was his best friend & from time he woke up until he went to bed he relied on me for companionship... which I love that he loves me BUT I need quiet time to get things done AND I'm his parent, not his friend. Even though P can't talk, run, or build with blocks she ALREADY fulfills a place of companionship for him and since she's a sibling it's a peer, not a parent! (I've seen so many adults have horrible boundaries b/c they had more friend companionship with their parents that parent/child).
2. Less financial strain: Buying G everything under the sun b/c we have less financial strain really doesn't benefit anyone.... I think the financial aspect is really thrown out of proportion b/c we (as a whole) have such a materialistic mindset. Most of the things we spend tons of money on for our kids really aren't needed and at the end of a life aren't all that fulfilling! AND by having only 1 it goes back to finding more things to fill that companionship need whether it's team sports or other activities... I spent way more money when it was only G than I do now & not because we "have less".
Idk.. I'm sure that many people have one & feel fulfilled & there are kids who don't feel like they miss out or have a void b/c they don't have siblings, but I don't think this is the perspective of the article at all & that's what bothers me..... It is horrible to see your child long for a sibling & just choose not to consider it, loneliness isn't like them being upset they didn't get a lego set or certain toy! I'm sure most of us wouldn't be happy just staying single & being lonely b/c marriage brings less freedom & possible financial strain. =(
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@mrs. wagon: Agree with everything you said.
And just wanted to throw this out there so as not to tempt the universe: If we accidentally got pregnant with another, I know myself enough to know I'd drastically change my tune, just because I'm an optimist and believe things happen the way they are supposed to in life. Don't knock me up, fertility gods!
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@Freckles: we live in a much different world than we lived in when my parents were having children in the 70's. Prices of everything has skyrocketed out of control since then. Housing, gas, college are the big ones. If my husband and I had the same circumstances my parents had when they we were growing up, maybe we would have more than one. But, we would only have more than one if we decided we wouldn't have to sacrifice our future goals to do so.
@babyjmama: and what's funny is, of the friends I have in person, we are all even for single children vs 2 or more children. The ones who had one child are done. The ones who had 2 are done (I don't know anyone with 3 or more). So, for our group, it's not even weird to be one and done!
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@regberadaisy: She said that these days parents are less willing to make sacrifices than our parents did. I'm wondering if sacrifices are an important thing to do? Many of us don't need to make the same sacrifices that our parents did or choose not to, but is that inherently less good than when our parents had to?
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In a way we would be happy to be one and done. However, we both come from tiny families, and DH is an only child, so we kind of feel we owe it to our daughter to give her a sibling. As of now she has no first cousins, and she may never have cousins... so we feel like she at least needs a sibling, so she's not the only member of our entire family in the next generation.
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@BananaPancakes:
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@mrs. wagon: yep
I grew up with a brother that though I love him, we aren't close and I'm hurt by choices he's made/how he is with our family.
DH grew up in a horribly abusive family and has a child-molester/murderer brother that he doesn't speak to.I love DS so, so very much, he's my everything. I would love to have another just because that's what I want. But DH and I have always been "one and done".
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@BananaPancakes: "If we accidentally got pregnant with another, I know myself enough to know I'd drastically change my tune, just because I'm an optimist and believe things happen the way they are supposed to in life. Don't knock me up, fertility gods!" - Yup.
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I will be honest and raise my hand to write that while I love my son, my nerves are absolutely shattered at the moment. Adding another child to the mix would probably push me to the breaking point. I was secretly hoping my son would have been twins but I see now that I might have gone crazy if that happened. I am blessed to have my son and he will have everything he needs within reason and he will not be spoiled in things.
I get a lot of flak from friends and family about only having one child, but honestly, I don't go around telling people with more than one child that they are doing their child a disservice by adding siblings. This shuts them up.
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@Mrs. Jacks: No, that's not true. My comments were more in relation to regberadaisy questioning what sounded like selfish reasons for not having more children. I hope my comment didn't come off as too judgmental (as it is not my place) or rub you the wrong way. It's great if you know what you want and feel you can afford for your kids. I actually feel like that is the more responsible thing to do.
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@Mrs. Jacks: I do think there is an inherent good in sacrifice. Not for the sake of being able to say we did (which is generally obnoxious), but because it trains us to be better people. By that I mean that sacrifice forces us to develop virtues that I value, such as humility, selflessness and patience. Clearly you can have only one child and possess those, and one could argue whether there is merit in those virtues at all. But I do think that the choice to have more and whatever other sacrifices that entails is a choice to further develop those, and I find merit in that. Not that you asked me
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@Freckles: Oh no, I wasn't offended at all! I was just wondering philosophically if there was a mindset that sacrifice in it's own right was good for families. I think my parent's generation probably has members that agree that sacrifice is good just as an exercise in character development. I was interested in further exploring the view if you held it
There is an element of feeling slightly guilty that I have so much more to offer my kids, such as being able to provide nice vacations and pay college tuition. I do want my girls to know the value of hard work... but now I'm derailing this thread!
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I just have to say this. My initial comment was a direct reaction to the article. My perception of the article. Nothing more.
I have MY views on how many children I want. So I don't pretend to assume for other people how many children they should want. I feel bad if anyone perceived my reaction to a direct attack/judgement on their family plan choice!
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@Navy_Mommy: My husband loved being an only child and is extremely happy his parents couldn't have anymore, hes 32 and still feels this way. Its the biggest reason we are on the fence about whether or not to have another. I'm the oldest of 4 and they all share a very dear spot in my heart but truthfully the sister I'm closest in age to moved several thousand miles away and its stressing our relationship more than I thought it would.
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One of the things I think about when I think about only children is... cousins! Hubs and his sister are very close to some of their cousins, and I'm very close to some of mine! I just can't imagine not having cousins! It's so fun to have family get-together and hang out with my cousins or Hubs' cousins! If you have only one child, their children won't have any cousins (or won't have very many, depending on their SO's family). I can't imagine not having cousins!
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I've always wanted to have two children. I grew up being 1 of 4 and my sister and I are less than a year and a half apart. We are friends and hangout a lot. My brothers are 8 years younger and I'm close with one of them, the other not really.
DH is an only child and he wanted a sibling and wants LO to have a sibling. My friends who are only children always wanted a sibling. (And believe me I used to wish I had LESS siblings!)
However after having her we keep on going back and forth about having another one. I know that right now the number one reason would be so that she can have a sibling and we're both okay with that being the reason we have a second child.
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@rattles: I didn't ask you, but yours was the opinion I was seeking so I'm glad you spoke up!
I guess I'm wondering if the sacrifice part is a necessary input to developing those virtues, as they are obviously things we would love to encourage in children. Maybe I am naive in thinking that I can instill them through other mechanisms?
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@Adira: Yeah, I hear you on this, but my son's set in the cousins department. He'll have plenty. Some of my cousins are less than stellar citizens, lol.
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@Mrs. Jacks: Oh you definitely can! I do think that if you come from a large family, you learn compromise and sharing and all that jazz. (I'm one of five, and that was my experience anyway.) You could teach kids that without, but it's one way that definitely works.
That said, I was being selfish and talking about the parents, not the kids! I think it forces those values in the parents when they choose to have a larger family.
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I guess the vibe I'm seeing w/the argument for financial reasons to be one and done is 'things'. But what I am thinking about is college tuition, good schools, educational trips. Also, I would really like to be a SAHM eventually, we couldn't afford that ring now the day things are... I was able to do those things because my grandparents could foot the bill, we won't have that luxury.
I commend you and your husband for being able to see so clearly into the future and plan your family based on your values and priorities! Subscribe to our newsletter
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